Going Forward

SPOILERS – This is a post-ep story for "Sarah" Episode 9 of Season 3, don't read it if you haven't seen the episode.

Nathan couldn't explain how he ended up sitting in his truck outside of Stuart Mosley's house, he'd been driving home from work and then suddenly, pure impulse had driven him to turn off his usual route and before he knew what he was doing he had pulled up at the troubled man's home. Nathan knew the guard hadn't relocated Mosely because it simply wasn't necessary, aside from transplanting Nathan and Duke into 1955 it had been years since Mosley had had an incident.

Nathan knew he wouldn't climb out of the Bronco and cross the road and say or do whatever was necessary to scare the old man into sending him back to 1955. It would irresponsible, cruel almost, and it would endanger Haven and the people he loved. It was foolish to fantasize about going back to her, to the read headed beauty that he now loved, not more than Audrey, but in a less complicated way. With Sarah he had been able to act in a way he couldn't with Audrey. He had been less guarded, less hesitant, and freer.

As Nathan remembered the feel of Sarah's mouth on his and the rush of warmth and life and energy that accompanied it those beautiful moment where he had given in to the connection between them, he knew that he could never go back. Back in 1955 he realised that his love for Audrey was truly without bounds, he knew instinctively now that he would love her in any incarnation. But he also knew that his Audrey was here, now, in Haven, and he had to tell her, he had to make her see that they were meant to be. He'd cheated on Jordan the moment he'd so much as flirted with Sarah.

Nathan knew himself well enough to know that he wasn't the sort of man that cheated, or at least he wasn't the sort of man who was okay with that. Okay he'd wasn't a total saint, he'd flirted a little to get information in investigations before, but carefully placed smile that coerced information out of a willing female was different to what had passed between him and Sarah. He couldn't excuse his behaviour because it had been another time or because it was his only chance to be with Sarah and somehow it felt right to be with her because she was Audrey, her spirit, her way, her manner, was the same even if her hair and voice and memories were different. He didn't regret kissing her, he just regretted that it had come at the cost of being unfaithful to women he genuinely cared for.

Since Audrey had discovered the Hunter was coming she had started to push Nathan away and Jordan had come along like a life raft in a storm. The more powerless Nathan had felt to help Audrey, the more he had been drawn to the woman he could give the gift of touch too, the more he had felt adrift, abandoned by his suddenly emotionally distant partner the more he had craved attention and affection from Jordan. Early on he had convinced himself he wasn't using her but the moment he had kissed Sarah that had become a falsehood.

Any further relationship with Jordan would be a lie. But if he broke her heart what chance was there that she would continue to support him in his tenuous relationship with the guard? Could he really trust her after he broke up with her? He wanted too, he badly wanted to do the noble thing and tell her the truth and trust in her goodness, her ability to understand. But he couldn't gamble away Audrey's future. They still might need help from Jordan and the guard. The idea of hurting either woman made his world spin out of control, made him fell nauseous like a car-sick kid on a windy road.

Still, he had to do it; he had to tell Audrey the truth.

And he had to let Jordan live the lie, just a little longer. Just until Audrey was safe and he could explain everything and beg for her forgiveness.

Nathan started the Bronco and pulled out onto the road. He couldn't go back to 1955 but he could go forward to Audrey, today.