Disclamier: I do not own Sons of Anarchy, never have and probably never will though I'd love to. All the characters and whatever else belong to Kurt Sutter and FX. The storyline is mine though. But I make no profit from this unless you want to count the shits and giggles I get from doing it.
A/N:The things you come up with when eating ice cream and listening to music on a Saturday night watching an endless tirade of political commercials concerning the presidential election that you really don't care about. At least not at the moment- cause ice cream is WAY more important. Now I remember a new rule being added about musical lyrics, so I didn't include them. But the song's there in case you want to take a listen at the inspiration. and on a side note I thought both guys may seem to be acting a little uncharacteristically so I should mention it takes place sometime soon after episode 5.01. But there is only a vague mention of the episode itself. So minor spoiler just for your info.
Warnings: Suggestive ideas, self-harm, and apparently made up words like "steepling." Also pointless/useless reviews that offer no support or critiques will be devoured by evil bunnies! Slash, m/m.
Song: Whispers in the Dark- Skillet
Tig stumbled back, feet tangling together, hitting the wall behind him in his drunken stupor. He would have fallen had Chibs not been there to grab the neck of his shirt, pulling him back up to slam him into the wall. Tig felt his head explode against the plaster in a loud crack; he could feel the hole left behind, stars dancing in front of his eyes.
"Yeh're a fucking liar! Why? Why the hell do you even bother talkin' ta me, if every damn thing that comes out of year mouth don't mean a thing!" Chibs was within an inch of Tig face, invading personal space, his grip on Tig's shirt tight, his fingers itching to wrap around the half sober mans throat. He was tired of it, tired of all the lies, the walls, the fear. There was enough of that in the club; he didn't need it from Tig.
"Well?" He slammed Tig against the wall again, the hazy blue eyes staring back at him were sad, pitiful, even self-loathing.
"Well what?" Tig spat, venom lacing his voice as he shoved against Chibs. "What! You want me to break down and cry? Tell you about my mommy problems? Or maybe you wanna hear about daddy and his short temper and that bottle always in his hand? Maybe even the dark thoughts that enter my head? About how sick and twisted I am? Want me tell you everything about me Chibs? How fucked up I am? How much I hate myself?" Tig launched his hands out, another solid shove landing against Chibs chest as he tried to maneuver his way around the burly man.
He couldn't stand here, if he waited it out anymore he was gonna break down. The more he stood there the worse he felt. The more twisted his insides became, the harder the water pushed against his eyes.
Chibs snaked an arm around Tig's waist pulling him back and shoving him against the wall. Pinning the taller man by his hands. He could see the pain etched in Tig's face now, the watery blue eyes he was trying hopelessly to hide, and how hard he was trying to be mad but failing at that too.
The sight melted away Chibs' anger, softened his heart, and made his own tears hang in the corner of his eyes. That rock of distance and isolation that had been sitting at the pit of his stomach began to lighten. Even when he was a complete mess Tig somehow managed to lighten his mood and always looked cute doing it, made Chibs wanna fawn over the guy like he was a puppy or something. No one else could make him act so...girly.
Chibs grabbed Tig's chin lightly, his hold firm as he tried to level those blue eyes with his brown. "I want ya ta stop lying. Yeh don't want ta tell me what's wrong? Fine. But don't stand there and tell me yer alright when yer not." Chibs said softly, Tig finally looking at him dead on; his face unreadable.
"I...can't..." Tig's voice cracked, and his eyes went dry. All feeling was gone again, his mind quiet and dead like a barren wasteland. This was how it had been lately, he felt dead and lifeless more often than not, not cold or warm, no pain or happiness. He just felt nothing.
Talking was something he never did well, at least not when you wanted some deep, emotional, fulfilling conversation. Tig liked it simple. But the reason he was never good at the relationships and whatnot wasn't cause he wouldn't talk about his feelings, he just didn't have any. He just didn't. And it was worse on days like this. When things with the club were bad, but it was a slow day. So you had plenty of time to think, delve into your own mind and face all the demons, monsters, and ghosts that were lurking in the darkness.
Tig had become calloused, desensitized, and it took a lot to get him to feel even remotely normal. Chibs had provided that solace to him, a haven where he felt human. But after everything that had happened in the past few weeks that solace had turned against him, disappearing and never being there when he needed it. And Lord knows he needed it now more than ever.
But it wasn't Chibs fault that he wasn't there when Tig needed him, club business always came first and Tig knew that, accepted that. However he still held it against Chibs, using it as some pitiful excuse to not talk to the man, to not even try.
The response surprised Chibs, made his hand fall away and he took a step back, his face blank. What was that supposed to mean? That Tig didn't trust him? Wouldn't talk to him? Couldn't because there was no bond? Then what the hell had they been doing this whole time? Was he just a way for Tig to scratch an itch? Try something different? Was he wrong in thinking they had something together? That maybe he was more than just some fuckbuddy?
The doubt was circling his head now, the questions popping up everywhere along with anger. He never realized how much he liked Tig, how close he felt to him, how connected. And now maybe it was a totally one-sided thing. "Why?" He croaked voice thicker with his accent then ever and Tig felt his heart in his throat at the sound. "I ain't good enough for ya or something? I'm just some damn fuck buddy teh yeh?"
"Shit, Chibs no wait. That's not what I meant!" Tig covered his face with his hands, steepling his fingers over his nose. He was starting to wonder what they were even arguing over. Was this just tempers running high with exhaustion and stress? Or were these actual problems? "No man look, I just..."
"Just what? Can't talk past booze and pussy? I'm just some piece of ass so what the hell do I deserve? Eh, that's it ain't it?" "NO MAN!" He whipped around to face Chibs, his eyes were wet again and he could feel the warmth running down his face and taste the saltiness. Chibs had touched a nerve. "Do you really think I'd spend so much fucking time with you if I didn't care? I'm not a fag man, not a queer! But you just- you just turn the whole fucking world on its head! I don't know what to think about what we have, I don't have a name for it! But you're not just some piece of ass! Not some fucking croweater!" He was so mad, offended and hurt. Tig couldn't contain the anger that fused into his voice as he spat and shouted every word. Making sure each one hit Chibs point blank in the face as he stepped closer to the Scot.
Tig continued to push against Chibs, forcing him back against the wall and he suddenly thought of how far he would go. Was he willing to smash Chibs' head right into the plaster just to get a point across? Just like Chibs had done? Was he really like that? The answer was yes, he was a violent bastard, but that was when he was with the club, Chibs was different. He was real around of Chibs and he just said the man wasn't just a piece of ass, so smashing his head into the wall wouldn't help anything. Besides, it wasn't who he was with Chibs.
He jerked himself back from Chibs, a physical manifestation of how he jerked himself out of his thoughts before they got to deep. Tig faced the other wall, an overwhelming desire to put his own head through it consuming him. He gave in too. A heavy crack and then it was salt and copper tainting his mouth, the tears mixed with blood. Tig's fist clenched, nails gripping the wall so tight some splintered, it should have hurt. His head should hurt. But that damn numbness was back again, that same empty feeling that pissed him off so much. Why was anger the only thing he had?
"I don't know what to do anymore Chibs," Tig wondered if the Scot was even there anymore, it was too silent behind him and the quiet was killing him. He began to drum out a soft rhythm on the wall with his fists, the wood, plaster, and nails scratching the skin and tearing at it lightly. And still no pain. "I don't feel anything anymore."
Chibs wasn't sure what to do, wasn't sure what this was. One thing stood at the front of his mind though- he was a moron. He was supposed to keep a cool head in this relationship, Tig wasn't very good at it and it was the only way to keep this thing stable. Yet he let his assumptions and worries get the better of him. Chibs understood the way Tig thought, more than he'd like to at times. But he understood, and there was no evidence that he ever felt nothing, quite the opposite really. He wanted no walls yet here he was throwing them up when Tig was over there breaking down before his very eyes. The guy had been through so much lately, and Chibs had just pushed it too far challenging his trust and love. Fuck he was a moron.
Tig kept talking and a piece of Chibs heart broke with every word. He'd been where Tig was, in a sense. "Everything has gone to shit. All this Cartel crap and Pope. God, Pope. And Jax working with that fucker. I just...can't, I'm killing myself more now than I ever was with Clay. I never challenged Clay, at least not in the open and I learned from that. But now I'm screwed. With Jax, man I made a deal, a promise. And I ain't no bitch who goes back on their word. I'll support the guy, but keeping my mouth shut isn't helping anyone. Yet I have to. And we get in deeper and deeper. And the little things that used to make me smile, to laugh, to forget- they don't exist. Seeing the kids run around, having a good fuck...being with you. None of it works anymore. I feel wrong, empty, it gets worse the more I think about it. But how can I not think about it?" Tig flattened his hands and braced himself again, the urge taking over again and he knew Chibs was still there by the sharp take a breath that was louder than the sickening sound of his head meeting the wall.
"I'm not human anymore. I kill, everything. Whether by my own hand or not. People keep dying. And all of it is my fault." He had to take a breath and swallow hard as the tears came again. "Donna, Pope's kid, Dawn...I'm gonna get you killed too, and I won't be able to handle that. I won't. You need to go Chibs. Leave me, leave this. You have other options, you still got your girls. You're good with the boys, you have options man. You shouldn't be here with me! I'm a fucking monster!"
He was losing control, he could feel it slipping away. But he wanted so desperately to go, to escape this for some kind of sleep, a coma would be nice. And that was single reason that kept him driving his head into the wall. Hoping, praying, that he'd knock himself out here soon, booze just didn't work anymore.
"Stop that." Chibs said softly, gripping Tig's shoulder, turning the man around. Swallowing the bile in his throat at the sight of Tig's face, so bloody and torn. Tig was resigned in front of him, head down, tears and blood dripping to the floor. Chibs felt his stomach flip. Chibs wormed out of his shirt, balling it and dabbing at Tig's face, narrowing his eyes when the man shook him off.
"I told you to leave." Chibs ignored him, cleaning his face off again, as he stood there hopelessly. "I said LEAVE!" Tig snapped, but Chibs didn't pull away. This only seemed to confuse Tig as his eyes filled with tears again, and he slumped against the wall, arms hanging limply at his sides. "Why?" He asked quietly, finally looking up at Chibs only for a moment, before returning his gaze to the ground.
Chibs stepped back, barely even a real step. But he couldn't help looking at Tig now, how boneless he looked against the wall, how sad. His whole posture was loose and uncaring, resigned and broken. Arms down, blood dripping off the fingers, eyes pale, watery, and casted down. Face drawn into a frown his mouth hanging open slightly as though as he readied himself to ask the question again when Chibs didn't answer. But Chibs had an answer.
He reached down and grabbed Tig's chin lightly, closing his eyes as he slid his tongue in between Tig's lips. Tig's body was cold against his own, but he didn't care. This broken Tig was too much to see. He worked his lips slow, Tig pushing against him in protest, but he continued. He made it last, kissed with all he had, careful of the cuts and bruises on Tig's face. Searching every crevice of Tig's mouth, a quiet heat spreading through him, and the same passion from the very first kiss he shared with Tig coming back stronger than ever.
Their metaphorical flame was back, and though Tig didn't kiss him back he stopped protesting and that was good enough. It was about Tig this time, healing him. And he was gonna do all it took, kiss him, caress him, adore him, work every inch of his body back to life underneath him. Let the man fuck him raw if that's what he wanted.
And when it was over, he would talk. Tell Tig everything he thought, believed and felt. Tell the man whatever he needed to hear about whatever it was they had, and every bit of it be truth. And then they would do it all over again. It didn't matter if they'd have to spend a whole week locked away in Chibs apartment, a week away from anyone else, from the club. He was gonna do what it took to get Tig back to his real self. Show him he wasn't some monster, make him feel something. And a week with Tig sounded really great anyway.
"Don't ever say that again." Chibs said quietly through their still locked lips, his own tears falling. "Ever. Yeh're not a monster. Not. Yeh're too damn caring for that." He sealed the word with another kiss, fingers working off Tig's shirt when he felt the other mans hands over his own. "No Alex, this is all me." He grabbed Tig's hands and led him to the bed, laying him down in front of him. Chibs straddled Tig's prone form, pressing his shirt against the swollen gash on his forehead, cleaning all the blood off his face.
Smiling gently at the return of a human looking Tig under the blood, at the return of some color to his face. "You ever say any of that bullshit again and I'll kill yeh myself." Chibs looked down on Tig with a grin on his face, it was too enjoyable being here, in this moment.
"That a promise?" His blue eyes were full of question, doubt. This was a loaded question but had an easy answer, at least it was a no-brainer to Chibs.
"Ya bet your ass yes. Alex, you ever start thinking this shit again, you ever need to feel something, I'm right here. And I ain't leaving. I ain't gonna die. Yeh're stuck with me. I'm too fucking hard to kill, and too good at fucking too." The small smile that broke through the depressed mask of Tig's face sent a spike of heat through Chibs, Tig's clothed erection rubbing against his own. The pleading baby blues beneath him were enough to make him get this moving. Words weren't enough, he'd have to show Tig he was never gonna leave and he would everything from making love to buying ice cream.
But right now he wanted something slow, long, tender, and as intimate as you could get. By the slow hands pushing at the buckle of his jeans, he could tell Tig wanted the same. Chibs leaned down and kissed Tig again, the man finally kissing me back in a cautious way Chibs didn't think Tig could. The man was still fragile, thought that this was fragile. He'd just have to prove him wrong. Chibs upped the passion and deepened the kiss forcing Tig to throw caution to the wind.
"Let's fuck." Tig whispered in a lust thick haughty voice, his hot breath against Chibs face. Chibs just smiled.
A/N: And there ya go, another look into the life of my two favorite boys, anyway Thanksgiving is next week, ain't that great? I love the idea of food. I'm hoping my family doesn't get drunk, especially like last year- oh good times. Anyway hope you guys enjoy the holidays, or if you don't have any just enjoy life :)
Reviews make me grin like an idiot- even mean ones.