The Loneliness Of The Long Distance Runner

Day 1 – Thurs Sept 21, 2006

Dear diary, it's me – Daphne

I've decided to start you up again now that I'm stuck up here in my room night after night, "day after day after day" now that my "condition" has 'flared up' again after so long.

I'm sick & tired of people "pussy footing" around me just because I happen to suffer from cerebral palsy – I am a perfectly normal, functioning person, it's just that I can't use my legs "properly", "I'm an invalid not a cripple!" as someone once said. If it weren't for my "condition" I bet you I could outrun almost all of them. It's as if I have some sort of a brain 'defect', a learning disability whenever I'm around certain people "oh, look out for Daphne, she may need some help carrying some of her books", or people deciding to go 'out of their way' in order to go & 'help' me, such as constantly offering to carry my books or my rucksack, etcetera. I mean, I have a back, don't I? – Surely that's the perfect place for me to carry a rucksack! & then they get annoyed at me just because I am quite capable of carrying my bag by myself, as if they were only offering in order to do me a 'kindness', to gain some 'cred', or to be able to say that they have a 'friend' with cerebral palsy. Grrrr, it annoys me sometimes, mainly being known as "the cerebral palsy girl", as if it is my only defining aspect.

I'm beginning to grow sick & tired of 'those' kind of people, the ones who seem to think that I'm some 3 year old child who needs constant supervision & needs help doing every little thing, even if it's the most simple of tasks. To be honest, I'm beginning to give up – "I've seen the future & what do I see?" a life full of muscle problems, pain & sleep disorders, "fun times" right? After everything that's happened – Being 'dealt' cerebral palsy in the 'melting pot' game of cards, the death of my mother & everything else I don't know how much longer I can go on, "all things being considered". This might just be a 'phase', but I just can't tell any more… But anyway, the eclipse is happening on Monday, so that might be something to look forward to before my eventual end of days.

Well, it's gone 2am, so I might as well head "up the hills". So, until tomorrow, "be seeing you".