A/N: Just to make sure we all know this, some of this stuff listed comes from Splatalot's Facebook page or the Splatalot website. So, I did not make up every detail in this story.

Disclaimer: I don't own Splatalot, nor do I own Shoved By A Rainbow.

Chapter One

I was always the handsomest viking in my class. My hair was shinier, my biceps were bigger, and my abs were harder. There was no doubt about it. Perhaps you've picked up this book because you realized this truth, and that you'd like to become more like me. My dear fan, if that's the case, I sincerely congratulate you. I shall reward your expectations by telling you everything I know about being me, Gildar, the gorgeous viking.

As you probably already know, I am a Defender of the Kingdom of Splatalot. I learned everything I know about being a Defender at an academy called Defender School. I started Defender School when I was just a little viking. In my teenage years, I was teamed up with eight other Defenders, who are still working alongside me to this day, and are people who you can read about another time.

However, I must express my irritation towards one of the eight, which is directly related to my concern towards the youth of today. One of the eight Defenders is a barbarian named Skabb. He rarely speaks a word, but he always insists on screaming and yelling. Many young people of today have the same issue that he has.

What's wrong with the youth of today? That they can't express themselves through words? When I was not in school, I was busy pillaging villages with my fellow vikings. We had the decency to not just yell at people but to say "Hey, we're pillaging and plundering your village."

While I was in Defender School, I got straight G's for being gorgeous. Impressed? It was here that I was taught the basics of weaponry, good aim, and how to properly splat things. It was a little hard to grasp at first, but I soon became a master.

A year or so before I graduated, I had picked out what my signature weapon would be: the Tenderizer. It's a relic from my hometown, crafted by some of the bravest, toughest vikings who had ever existed, besides myself. The Tenderizer is a massive hammer that I can swing with tremendous force. It's much too large and unwieldy for your average Defender.

After my fellow Defenders and I had graduated from Defender School, we went on together to the Kingdom of Splatalot. We strove to protect the kingdom and the crown from any attacking enemies ever since we arrived, and we've been doing so ever since.