"Ah Shit Hutch. Wouldn't ya' know it? They're both here already, punching the clock earlier than usual and at their freakin' desks and it's not even gone nine. They're waitin' for me I knew it! I just God Damn knew it!…"
Starsky swallowed as he caught sight of the small contingency in the squad room which included Mike and Eddie and a couple of other uniforms. They were perched lazily on their seats or corners of their desks but were still alert and looking expectedly at the two in the outer hallway. It was very obvious that he was the floorshow and that the audience were now sitting forward in their seats just waiting for the curtains to go up.
"Calm it Starsk. I told you, I've got this. If you show them you're uptight they'll have you. Now why don't you go down to Records and get those two files we were supposed to pull yesterday but which we never got to."
"Huh? What files?"
"There are no files Starsky... but just pretend that there are files – down in Records. Just take a little time while pulling those files and then come back to your desk ok? But make sure you do come back or they'll think something's fishy. And say nothing about yesterday unless you take my cue."
"I dunno Hutch. I reckon it would just be easier to turn around and go home. After all I'm still not feelin' too good...my private parts are red raw and I swear my left hand has got blisters on it from all the rubbing."
"Well isn't that just what your Mother told you would happen if you didn't learn to keep your hand above the sheets?"
Starsky narrowed his eyes at him and exhaled.
Hutch gave him a long look and cocked his head in the direction of the squad room and then back towards the Records Room in the opposite direction.
"There's no way you'll get past this unless you walk through the middle of this Starsky. It's just one of those trials of fire in life where you do it or perish."
"Ok Ok I hear ya'. But ya' know what Hutch?"
He turned in the direction of Records.
"That headache I had yesterday? It's nothin' compared to the one I can feel comin' on now."
"Just promise me then that you won't take any more strange pills from dubious characters lurking near water coolers ok? Keep your hands in your pockets and accept no offers of medication and then maybe you'll be better able to keep your dick from busting out of your jeans."
Hutch snorted at his own derision and pushed through the doors into the morning mêlée.
As soon as he threw his jacket down he sensed it. The hunters were waiting for the wounded prey to enter the lair.
Luckily however Starsky had headed in the opposite direction.
The air was crackling with suppressed laughter and the non-verbals and smirking faces were about as subtle as a poorly disguised surprise party. Mike looked around the tall blond almost as though expecting the other half of the duo to be bringing up the rear. There was a moment of disappointment and deflation when the men realized that the star of the show was in fact missing.
"Hey Ken? Where's ya other half? Thought he came in with you?"
Not half obvious Mike. At least you could try for a small bit of subtly.
Hutch looked semi- preoccupied as he shuffled a few things about on his desk and scratched at the back of his neck.
"What? Oh - Starsky? Yeah he's in, just had to go down to Records to pull some files on some damn case Dobey left for us to tie up while he's gone. Why? Did you want him for something?"
Smirks and averted eyes passed between Mike, Eddie and two of the other guys who were by now in on the joke where Starsky and his wilful genitals had top billing.
"Ahh…No. Just wondering how he pulled up yesterday afternoon with that bad headache he had around lunchtime? Seemed like a real killer…when we went off shift he was still complaining about it. Thought he might have ended up …well….having to go home ….he was so bad. But I know he had the meeting with the new Captain in the afternoon."
At the mention of Stephens Hutch nearly got sidetracked from his strategy and looked quickly over at Dobey's closed door as though at any moment the relieving Captain himself might sweep out in all of his Lycra clad glory.
Thank God the door to Dobey's office remained closed and there seemed to be no action forthcoming from it.
"Headache? Oh yeah…yeah he did mention that yesterday morning, but no it must have cleared up pretty quickly. We had that gig down at the Community Centre in the afternoon. Starsky had to run through some self-defense moves with the ladies down at the Centre. Well, shit, if Starsky had a headache then it sure didn't seem to be bothering him then. Christ! Wow! I'm feeling just a bit inferior in comparison."
The room suddenly became quiet as though sensing that this was the news they were all waiting for. Surely now Hutch was going to launch into a vivid description of the the disaster that Starsky's erection had caused. All men leaned forward to focus in on Hutch's words. He felt quite smug that his dramatic intro had them all lapping up his words.
They think I'm going to tell them all about Starsky's embarrassing, painful and interminable penile erection.
And, God, there was a lot to tell them about Starsky's embarrassing, painful and interminable penile erection.
But he wouldn't.
He wouldn't give them the satisfaction. Besides if anyone was going to use his buddy as an object of ridicule, it would be him – and only him. No one else got license to do that. And if they did, and if he became aware of it – well then – there were ways to take care of them.
No one messed with Starsky and came out unscathed.
Not on his watch.
"Actually - did I say a bit inferior? Jesus H. Christ - make that ALOT inferior."
"Inferior? Like how do you mean inferior Ken?"
There were leering smiles now and obviously they thought that this was where he was going to describe the end result that three deviously slipped Viagra pills may well have had on Starsky's lower anatomy.
Hutch looked a little hesitantly to the door as if worried that at any moment the man in question might walk back in.
He leaned in closer to the all male circle and lowered his voice as though sharing some dirty locker room tidbits.
"I can't explain it. There were all of these women – Jesus heaps of them, some hot babes too – all squeezed into their little shimmery leotards, curves in all the right places – Christ have you ever noticed how Lycra shows of a woman's flesh almost more than if she was standing naked in front of you?"
No not likely, but by the excitement on their faces it looked like they wouldn't mind the opportunity to experience what Hutch was describing. One of the guys licked his lips, another coughed self-consciously.
Hutch continues while he had their full concentration.
"Well anyway – Starsky got to do the moves on the mat – he is after all a hell of a lot better at that sort of stuff than I am. Moves like a panther – that's what I heard one of the women say anyway. Like a "sleek panther" that's what she called it. Anyway I tell you – I don't know what it was with him yesterday, but shit! Did he have IT ? I've never seen a roomful of gorgeous babes go so hot for him ever before. They fucking couldn't take their eyes off him I tell you. I don't know why? I mean what would be any different with him than any other day? But - well in the end it was like we had to fight our damn way out of the place. They were all clambering over him, trying to grab at him , calling him just about every hot come on name you can think of."
The men were boggled eyed and Mike looked uncertain as to why this story was not unfolding how he had imagined it would.
"Dobey just about had a fit! All I can say, is that you never really know your partner. I mean, hell, I thought I knew Starsky – really knew him. But I guess I never had any idea that he has such raw magnetism with the ladies. Funny thing, he didn't even to seem to think that it was out of the ordinary. As though he was used to women throwing themselves at him like that. But I have never seen it like that before. Maybe he is a dark horse."
Mike and Eddie were exchanging heavy looks – Mike like the cat that has almost, but not quite managed to get the canary look , Eddie with a dumbstruck confused look. They looked, Hutch thought like they were waiting for the missing piece of information that so far he had not mentioned. The missing link that would explain all of this sexual magnetism that had oozed out of his partner.
Hutch knew what they were waiting for him to mention. That throughout all of this, the afternoon at the Community Center - that Starsky had sported a strange and inexplicable dominant and obstinate erect penis.
But he didn't add that at all. Mike and Eddie were left hanging – mouths slightly agape as though someone needed to egg Hutch along to finish the story.
He could almost hear them asking, insisting…..
"But what about his huge hard on! Tell us about that. The hard on! You haven't mentioned it yet. That's the most important part of the story and you haven't said one word about Starsky's dick! We want some suffering here! We want some value for those three fucking Viagra pills. They don't grow on trees you know…"
Hutch waited a few moments and let them sweat a bit more. He then looked a little amused at his own thoughts as though he was recalling, thinking back on something humorous about the day before. He thought to himself that he had perfected that look quite well because they were once more waiting to hear what he had to say.
When the time was just right and the men were once more ripe for the picking – he shared it.
A light chuckle and a shake of his head as though he was incredulous at his own thoughts had Mike curious – desperate almost for something more that would tell him that his dirty little trick had hit home base with Starsky.
"So what's so funny now? How did Starsky seem? I mean – you said he was not normally like that? So …..well I mean….what was different about him yesterday. Come on share it – we all wanna know don't we boys?"
"No – not about Starsky." Hutch shook his head. " I'm having a laugh about those women. You know when Starsky was on the mat going through all the moves, they broke up into groups and well this one lot came over near where I was sitting near the stage and they were all talking among themselves."
"Yeah? Yeah? And what?"
Hutch spluttered and then spluttered again for good measure.
"One said – and I kid you not - these were exact words…."Have you ever seen such a total stud before like that in your life? Look how he's hung!" "
….."No don't laugh boys, this is true. They were going on about how Starsky was built like some Greek Adonis and I don't think they were just talking about his pecs if you know what I mean. They couldn't get their eyes off his crotch. The whole fucking time we were there! Then they all joked about it. One woman said that the only way she has ever seen her husband ever look like that for more than five minutes was when he gets his hands on those - shit…..what are those damn tablets that old geezers have to take when they can't ever get it up? Do you know?"
Hutch looked hopefully for inspiration from the other men but found only lowered eyes and red faces so he plowed on regardless.
"Oh …yeah Viagra that's the name of them - Viagra – old man stuff for old saggy dicks – yes Viagra. So they were saying…that their husbands have to depend on taking these pills in order to get it up and keep it up for more than say five minutes. They were fucking gob smacked that Starsky had a hard on – I think the women were turning him on, I tell him he's got to learn to control that damn cock of his when there's hot babes around. I'm telling you this hard on of his just never gave up all the time he was in front of these babes – that just went on and on and on. And - well, obviously they loved every bit of it. "
He punched out the laughter now – pushed himself to bring tears to his eyes – it had to be good.
"So here's Starsky with this God Almighty woody that wouldn't go down because he was so turned on by rolling around this mat with these hot little bods all trussed into their skin-tight leotards, and here's these women all comparing him to what they miss out with their saggy dicked husbands who have to resort to taking geriatric medication to get it up at all. What a blast! Those women had a great sense of humor. I think most of them wanted to put Starsky in their gym bag and take him home! Can't blame them if they've got husbands who have to swallow freaking little pills to give them some pleasure. No wonder they had the hots for Starsky. They were describing him like..."Now that's how a man's dick should look. Naturally standing up to attention. " Hell what a bunch of feisty women. All in all it wasn't a bad way to spend an afternoon on paid duty time. "
When he drew breath and looked up the picture was priceless.
It looked like someone had just told these four men that they were about to be castrated. Four pairs of eyes were looking down into their four laps and four bodies shuffled uncomfortably on hard chairs as if by simply moving their pelvises the center of their manhood might look more sizeable through their trousers.
He just hoped that he handn't laid it on too thick...
Hutch could see Starsky coming down the hall so he hurried on. Just one more nail in the coffin should do it.
"So you guys does that surprise you? That Viagra shit? Surprised the hell out of me! I'd never known that there were actually men out there – our age for Christ sake who must really need to take that stuff – that Viagra stuff. When I heard these women – I mean some of them were only in their early thirties, I'm thinking – hell that means their poor bastard husbands are so limp that they need to take Viagra. Shit did you know that? I sure didn't. Live and learn. Live and learn – that's what Starsky and I were laughing about last night over some beers. We just don't know how lucky we are to have …..well…normal sexual function I guess. Christ, just look at Starsky! Mid thirties and he can still keep a fucking impressive hard on for some tight little fannies. I've never known a boner to keep on keeping on. He's obviously got the stamina – lasted hours. We should count ourselves lucky boys. Lucky that none of us ever need to take that old man stuff."
He finished the sentence just as Starsky pushed into the room with a ridiculously large bundle of files tumbling out of his arms. It was not half obvious that he was trying to shield his face behind the towering pile.
Did you leave any files back in Records Starsky?
"Yeah fucking embarrassing don't you agree Starsky?"
Hutch tried to meet his partner's eyes – which was not easy when he was cowering behind the stack of files.
Take my cue – remember? Starsky take my cue!
"What's embarrassing – missed it? "
"Just saying that we were having some beers last night and discussing how embarrassing it must be to be only our age and have to – need to artificially enhance your dick. Like those husbands of the ladies in the class who take that shit, new stuff – Viagra – to get it up."
For one moment Starsky looked terrified that this was veering too close to an area that he thought Hutch was meant to have taken care of in his absence. Still he took his partner's mark and played along, his face clearing into shared agreement with his partner.
"Oh that. Yeah….fucking tragic. But I guess it's out there – not just old wrinklies doing it, but well – guys who just can't pull the women anymore. Guys who can't manage to even get it to half mast. "
With an oath he relinquished his tenuous hold on the files and they scattered over his and Hutch's desks. Hutch glowered at him and then quickly recovered to quickly resume the plot.
"Pitiful if you ask me. I said that to you last night didn't I Starsky? Pitiful that a healthy grown man can't rely on his own sexual stamina to keep on going."
"Now Hutch don't be so judgmental. You just never know – there could be men among us, good men that we know, who need that sorta help. "
"Yeah you're right Starsky. There for the Grace of God and all that shit…Hey, but there's one thing for sure buddy…there is no way in hell you'll ever need to be checking into the Docs to get that sort of fake shit. Not with what those women got an eyeful of yesterday! Sergeant Stud is that what they called you? Detective Dick."
Mike and Eddie looked directly at Starsky. Starsky looked directly at Mike and Eddie.
A brief silence ensued.
Don't ruin it now Starsky!
A faint blush rose on the olive face and Starsky ducked his head in his best "aw-shucks" impression that was probably one of the best "aw- shucks" impressions done in the squad room in recent times.
"Don't be modest buddy….I was just telling the boys here that you'll be seventy and you still won't need to resort to taking any shit like some guys need to take to keep a woody going on for hours. You'll still be pulling the babes in when you're an old man."
"Well partner – I always did tell you I had the muscle in this outfit. Seems like those ladies yesterday agree – I think they kinda liked my muscle."
Drum roll you bastards. Take that for an innuendo. That'll teach you to try to force feed me your little dick hardening pills. And to think I called you Pillanthropists. What a waste of a good pun!
Whatever Hutch had said to these four buffoons when he was in Records, it seemed to have done the job. Mike and Eddie were cornered…trapped by their own attempt to trap somehow else in their stupid prank.
Starsky couldn't believe that he was going to walk out of this unscathed. Not only had Hutch painted it so that he was Mr. Penis personified and proud to be tagged with the ribbon, he was also Lady Killer of the month. Mike and Eddie could never take the glory for it unless they fell prey to Hutch's cruel ridicule of all Viagra taking desperadoes. It was highly unlikely that they would be keen to reveal themselves as being in the category of men suffering from prematurely soft cocks.
And just when Starsky was beaming at his partner thinking how very smart he was and how very devious too, Hutch just went and raised the bar one notch higher in the stakes of deviant avenger.
Mike and Eddie had just both conveniently decided that it was time to exit left and hit the hallway for some much-needed air and debriefing. It seemed that now that their egos were as deflated as their penises felt - there was only one thing to do - go to the men's room and see whether or not they were as pathetically shrivelled up as they imagined after Hutch's delivery.
But before they escaped Hutch threw the last barb and it was a doozy.
"Hey Mike by the way!"
"Yeah?" He turned around, listless and stooped. Looking more and more like he might truly be of an age where he might actually qualify for legitimate use of his little blue pills.
"Did your wife mention anything to you last night? Gloria isn't it?"
He looked genuinely confused now.
"No. Why? What about?"
"Oh thought she would have said something. No? Just that she was one of the women in Starsky's class yesterday."
He winked mischievously at poor Mike who was now coloring redder than Hutch thought anyone could every color.
"Gloria? Gloria was there? I had no idea. She never said. ""
"Sure she was. Nice lady. Oops, Oh no ... damn that was insensitive of me. I know what you're probably thinking , but hey don't worry. She wasn't in that group that was badmouthing their husbands. You've got nothing to worry about in that department, I'm sure.…."
For a moment Mike looked like he might say something, but in the end he just grunted lightly and walked away.
The jokes today were on him and not on Starsky.
Starsky walked up to the desk where Hutch had now taken a seat and faced his blond partner. Hutch had turned his back to the door and to the two other men who still remained in the room.
Hutch smiled up at him and brushed his arm.
"Feeling better buddy? You walked through the fire and survived."
He spoke quietly so their voices did not carry.
"Hutch I think it was more of a case of you doing a complete fireman lift and running through with me on your back. My feet didn't even touch the hot floor. Looks like I won't be needing those party tricks after all. Mind you I could still put a fart cushion somewhere near Mike's ass later in the week..."
"Ha! I'd say that Mike's whole lower regions are already feeling pretty compromised. Poor guy will probably spend the next week checking himself out in the bathroom mirror. Anyway ...what's most important is that by my calculations - partner - we are now back to a clean slate as regards how many beers I owe you. Wouldn't you say?"
"Well that sure was a job well done – partner. But the beer tally depends."
Starsky was facing the windows and looking out to the hallway. His eyes were tracking something and he was not looking at Hutch as he spoke.
"Depends? On what? For Christ sake that was a performance of a lifetime. You came out of that looking like some Playboy of the Year and never ever will Mike and Eddie spread it around about you and your … very impressive hard on."
"Ah true….very true. I think it's safe to say Mike will keep his mouth shut about what he did to me. But there remains one problem you need to come to grips with."
"Huh? What? Come to grips with what?"
"Well put it this way, I've had enough of him 'coming to grips' with me. So now I figure Hutch - that it's your turn. "
Suddenly the squad room door sounded on its hinges as it opened behind Hutch.
Hutch tensed and groaned. He didn't turn. He didn't need to.
"Oh yes…. Hutch."
Hutch felt the light soft hand on his shoulder, weak and fluttering. Then he heard the voice – pure and alto as it sang across the squad room for the other two men to hear.
"Ken! Ken! This is marvelous! So pleased to hear what you've decided. I was down in Records meeting the staff and who should pop in but our Boy Wonder from yesterday. I was telling him the great news about the Community Centre already demanding an encore for yesterday's defense lessons. Dave couldn't wait to tell me that you had already decided to put your hand up if there was to be more demonstrations scheduled. He said you were really keen for it."
Hutch turned slowly now and looked up at the shining face of Stephens. He then glared over at the even more shining face of his partner whose smile stretched from ear to ear.
"Did he now? Did you tell our Captain that Starsky?"
Starsky had his curly head tipped to the side like some loving black retriever who had just pranced back from the water with a pheasant in his mouth for his master.
"It's ok Hutch. I'm happy to let you have a turn. After all Cap'n Stephens has four weeks here and I told him how you love to keep fit - you'd be a perfect match for him on that mat."
Stephens smile was full of warmth but he also looked a little apologetic.
"Yes –I'm so looking forward to having a few tumbles with you Ken."
Starsky coughed under his hand and Hutch's glare turned to venom.
" Although Ken, I don't like to dampen your enthusiasm but God damn you'll have your work cut out filling the shoes of this partner of yours. He is one hard act to follow."
Starsky now leaned over and added his hand to Hutch's shoulder. Patting him on the back firmly and chuckling with affected self-deprecation.
"Oh I don't know about that Captain. Hutch here is every bit as good as me when he tries – and well to be truthful…I wouldn't call myself a hard act at all. Nothing 'hard' about me is there Hutch? I'm just a big softie now and I tell you what – I like it that way!"
SHSHSHSHSHSHSHSHSHSHSHSHSHSH SHSHSHSHSHSHSHSHSHSHSHSHSHSH SH
Just to make it clear here for the Readers...that was in fact THE END of Pillanthropy ...but...you never do know with these two wild boys. When they're not full of angst and fighting danger, there is always the threat that they will land themselves in strife. Particularly Starsky who seems to be made for trouble. And don't we just love putting him there for Hutch to rescue ?