AN: The full chapter title is: And Male Seahorses Can Get Pregnant (What's Your Point?)
"That," Clark said in answer to Lex's question, " would be Conner's morning routine; I've never actually seen him wake up more than seven minutes before he has to leave for school. And he called you 'Other Dad' because he apparently he doesn't see a complete lack of involvement in his life as precluding a paternal relationship." Clark tried not to sound too bitter about that. It's not like Clark could reasonably expect Lex to want to play co-father to the clone he had been planning on cutting up for body parts, but… he kind of had anyway.
"Paternal relationship? What are you talking about?"
"The fact that Conner is our son?" Clark said a little uncertainly. It seemed pretty straight forward to him.
"Our son? Clark, we've never even had sex. I would have definitely remembered that," said Lex.
Clark flushed bright red and started to stutter, because now he was picturing having sex with Lex which was just wrong and definitely not something Clark had ever pictured before, no sir. "What does that have to do with anything?" he finally managed to ask.
Lex gave Clark a sardonic look, which was singularly strange on the face of a five year old face. "Well, when a mommy and daddy love each other very much…"
"I know where babies come from, I'm not a little kid. Unlike some people I could name," said Clark, unable to resist. Besides, Lex had totally started it. "And how is that even relevant? We're both guys for a start."
"I'm a guy," Lex agreed. "And you have the physical appearance of a human male, but that doesn't prove anything. For all I know, that's what all Kryptonian females look like."
"What? That's ridiculous! You've met Kara; that's what a female Kryptonian looks like. And I can't be a girl, I have a cock!" Normally Clark would be blushing just trying to say something like that – twenty-seven and he was still worried his mom would appear out of nowhere to wash his mouth out with soap – but it turned out that when someone was literally questioning your manhood, such petty embarrassments fall by the wayside.
"So do female spotted hyenas," said Lex, completely unperturbed. "Technically it's a pseudo-penis, but it's still used for reproduction, so same basic principle. As for Kara, it's possible, at least to the extent of my knowledge, that 'she' is actually a male of your species. Granted, it's unlikely that Kryptonian males would look identical to human females and vice versa, but not anymore unlikely than aliens appearing physiologically indistinct from humans in the first place. Or, it's possible that the physical differences between the two of you are related to something completely different and have nothing to do with gender. And this is all assuming that Kryptonians even have male-female analogs, rather than a single gender, or even three or more. Really, we can't be sure that you are, in fact, a guy without some x-rays or MRI's and samples of your reproductive cells. And Kara's as well of course, for comparison. "
Clark listened as Lex took one of the few staples of his identity that he hadn't questioned with the "you're actually an alien" revelation and dissected it into little tiny pieces. It was a horrifying experience.
"Look," Clark finally said, interrupting Lex's musings about the relative size and longevity of gametes, "none of this even matters anyway, since there was no sex involved in Conner's creation. No sex." Clark wanted to be absolutely clear on that point. "He was made in a lab."
"I actually knew that," said Lex. "I just don't understand how I come into this. Unless you think I'm the one who cloned you?"
"What?" What in the world was Lex talking about?
"I can see how you might consider me as sort of another parent for Conner in that case," Lex continued, steam-rolling right over Clark. "But I wasn't the one who did it. Personally I suspect Lionel or Tess; they both had something of an unhealthy obsession with you."
Okay, so there were probably more important questions that Clark should be asking at the moment, like had someone hit Lex on the head recently which was making him speak nonsense (like the part where he insinuated that Clark wasn't a guy, because that was not true at all), but there's no way Clark could let that one go.
"Ah yes, Lionel and Tess had an unhealthy obsession with me. Because I distinctly remember them building a room all about me, complete with creepy blue lighting."
Lex crossed his arms and scowled. Clark, quite magnanimously he thought, refrained from mentioning how that made Lex look like an angry kitten. "I told you that room was about me." He paused. "Maybe all those giant pictures were a bit excessive."
"You think?" Clark said dryly.
"Regardless, I'm not the one who cloned you," Lex said, as though that settled it.
"Of course you didn't clone me, nobody cloned me. You cloned yourself and added my DNA," Clark corrected.
"No," Lex said, in flat denial of Clark's statement. "You've gone on the record, repeatedly, as saying that Superboy is a clone of Superman." Well yeah, what was Clark supposed to say "Oh, yeah, he's my son. Who's his mother, you ask? Actually, he doesn't have a mother; he has two fathers, myself and Lex Luthor." Because that would go over well. It's not like Clark actually thought Lex would believe the lie, not when he was the one who had made all those clones, including Conner, in the first place. "And why would I clone myself anyway? That's just asking for trouble."
"You cloned yourself after that thing at in the Artic so you could use their bodies to fix yours," Clark said, somewhat tentatively because Lex was looking really confused – and Clark was starting to appreciate Lex being five; it made his face much easier to read.
"And what happens when one of my clones decides that he would be better at living my life than I am? I would not be stupid enough to make clones of myself; give me a little credit," said Lex. "I did start a project to clone body parts to replace the ones irreparably damaged or lost due to hypothermia, but not much was accomplished before I was killed. I've check the records since I came back and they've all been erased, so I can only presume that it was shut down after I died."
That… could actually make sense. Clark had assumed that Lex had set up the whole clone thing, including Conner, before he had died, but Lex did have a habit of hiring scientists that ended up going psycho. It was possible that the clone chop shop style Frankenstein experiments and the tests in interspecies genetic compatibility hadn't started until after Lex died. At any rate it couldn't hurt to tell him about it, either Lex already knew, or he didn't know, in which case Clark should have told him a long time ago.
"Okay," said Clark. "Well, there was this facility full of clones of you. One of them escaped and um… tried to convince everyone he was you." There was no way Lex could be faking that smug of an 'I told you so' look; he must have been telling the truth about not knowing anything about the clones of himself. Oops? "He burned the whole place down before he left, and then he died shortly afterward because the sped up aging was making him unstable or something. Only one other clone survived and at first he thought he was you and was aging too fast too. Then out of nowhere he started forgetting all the things he had remembered about your life and ever thinking he was you, and his aging slowed to a normal rate at about the same time. Tess's people looked at his DNA and it turned out some of his genetic material came from me. And that was Conner."
"What," said Lex.
"Basically, we have sort of have a teenaged son together. Um… surprise?"
From the look on Lex's face, Clark's invulnerability and Lex's extremely short reach at the moment were the only things saving Clark from getting punched in the face right now.
Yeah, he probably deserved that.