Authors Note: Thanks so much for reading and reviewing! I decided to extend this story into a multi-chapter fic. Thanks!
The phone call doesn't last very long and you are really not surprised. I mean you can call each other anytime you want. Not that you do or you have. But when you both know that you can actually be close to one another in a physical sense. It is hard to resist for too long. That's why it isn't too shocking when she promptly asks you to come pick her up and hangs up the phone with a breathless see you soon.
You can't help but notice that your hands are trembling against the steering wheel as you drive your red mustang the short distance to her house. You send her a quick I'm here text instead of ringing the doorbell. To be honest you really don't want to see Mr. or Mrs. Pierce-not since you trampled all over their daughters heart anyway. You sigh at what a coward you still are. It isn't long before she starts walking down the path and gently swings the door to the passenger side open. Your eyes are still literally transfixed on the road in front of you and you can only bare a slight side glance in her direction as she gracefully slides in next you. Even though it's hard for you to look at her you can't help but notice how beautiful she looks right now. She has on a simple Gray V-neck sweater and skinny jeans. You feel like you can count on your fingers the number of times you've seen her in jeans. And you wonder if this is something Brittany does now. The Brittany you are drifting farther and farther apart from.
You shake your head at your lameness because really this upsets you? Regardless, she looks amazing. And her hair is still as blonde and as gorgeous as you remember as it falls in loose tendrils around her face. Her face is lit up with a smile across her lips and her eyes are as blue as you can ever remember. She startles you out of your internal reverie with a gentle touch to your shoulder And a quick "Hi".
With this you turn fully towards her and upon making eye contact you can only stutter
" Hey Brit-Brit, so what did you want to do? Did you want to get coffee at the Lima bean or something? Or we could go get dinner if you're hungry? Are you hungry? Because if you…? "
You're stopped by a long nimble finger reaching up to your lips. "You are rambling Santana" she says with a grin. "Can we just go somewhere…like private?"
You can feel your heart start beating in your chest and it's pounding in your ears. Because hell you cannot be alone with her- no way. Not when she looks like that. And not when you can already smell the intoxicating scent of the vanilla perfume that you know she dusted across her luscious neck just seconds before leaving the house. Not when you want to bury your own head into her skin. Sensing your own uncertainty or maybe the way your eyes have gone big.
She adds a quick" to talk?" to the end of her statement and honestly you are not sure if that is any less scary.
But since you could never deny her anything you wordlessly start up the car and start to drive. You go in the direction of the park in Lima's center. It's late and your pretty sure you will be alone there. You can find a bench to sit on or maybe just lie on the hood of your car and gaze up at the stars or something. Because that is something that platonic friends do all the time. Right? Well regardless you know your options are limited because even though your parents are out tonight and you would be truly alone there if you went home. You can absolutely not do that because then you'd be alone with Brittany and well….
You think you have been driving for about five minutes or so before you notice that it is totally silent in the car right now. There is no laughter or chatter. There is no crazy dance music or soulful lyrics wafting from the speakers. It is just silent and Brittany is just staring out the passenger window. Or at least she was but now with your eyes focused on the road you can feel the right side of your face and neck heat up. It seems that she is staring at you now. In your peripheral vision you notice that her eyes keep flickering from you lips to your eyes and back down to your hand that lingers over the gear shift. You're silently happy that your car is manual because otherwise what would you do with your hand. You shudder at the possibilities.
Somehow you have made it to the park. It is a miracle when you pull perfectly into the parking spot. It is facing the small pond where Brittany used to take you to feed the ducks. Both of you wordlessly get out of the car and you make a step towards the bench a few feet away. But Brittany reaches out and tugs on your arm.
"Can we just stay here?" She asks and gestures to the hood of your car. You say nothing but walk back around the trunk of the car to pull out the fleece blanket you keep there in case of some sort of freak accident or something.
You drape it along the front of your mustang and watch as she nimbly slides onto the hood of the car and scoots back. She says nothing but gently pats the side next to her as an invitation for you to join. She is lying stretched out on the car with one of her hands under her head propping her up. But you just sit beside her because you cannot bring yourself to lie down.
She sighs audibly and you are sure you'd see a myriad of different emotions flick across her face if you could only bring yourself to look at her.
"Is this how it is going to be, now?" She moved both hands to cross protectively across her chest and her head just falls limply back against the warmth of the blanket.
"Wha…What do you mean?"
"You know what I mean Santana". And again you say nothing, because you do and don't. And no matter how conflicted you have been. You really never remember being this conflicted about anything. Because going from friends, to friends with benefits, to friends in love, to together, to whatever this is. Is seriously fucking with your mind.
She shifts to the sitting position. Her left hand is holding her weight as she turns to face you. You immediately fall back against the fleece. Because you really you can't handle her being that close to you.
"We have been friends for most of our lives Santana, and now were this?" She is gesturing kind of wildly now and she has moved her body over an inch and is peering down at you." We are not together anymore and I get it… I do but now I mean we haven't talked on the phone in forever before you came home and…now I mean you won't talk to me and everything seems forced". Your swear that you can see tears forming in the corners of her perfectly turquoise eyes but as you are paralyzed you can do nothing but let her continue.
"And you, you won't really even let me touch you. I mean I can't even really hug you, and you won't even look at me. Honestly, it hurts it really hurts Santana and I…" You stop her then and with a tug to her arm and a guiding hand to her back she is laying flush against your side. You slip a hand underneath her body and pull her against you. She looks to you for permission to lay her head on your chest and with your eyes you grant it to her. You need to be near her.
You sigh because dammit you have hurt her again. It seems like all you ever wanted. All you will ever want is to never hurt her. Yet that is all you keep doing. All you are sure you will ever do. She nuzzles further into your and you shudder when she tilts her head up slightly, her breath tickling the sensitive skin of your neck. You're trying really hard to think of something to say to her, because she deserves it. But the tingles that are spreading from you neck to your center. Are making your already jumbled thoughts even more of a mess. So that is why whenever she shifts further up your body and softly kisses the throbbing pulse point of your neck. All coherent thought is out of the question. But suddenly it all makes sense to you. Why this is so hard…why things are so different. Brittany and you have never just been friends. You have always been so touchy with one another. Before you were together your heart would always feel like it was filling up with this indescribable feeling whenever she would touch you. Whether it be a linked pinky or a lingering hug. Then whenever you finally made it official your heart still felt like it was always waiting to burst with all the love in every touch. But now it just feels like your heart is aching, and tearing at the seams, just waiting to shatter into a million pieces.
You're so confused because your life is really just so fucked up right now. You have no idea what you want, or what you want to do. You are hundreds of miles away from her and she doesn't deserve that. She deserves someone who is sure, who is secure, and who isn't you. Yet her nearness is so sweet. You know that right now you can't be who she deserves you can't be with her. But really you have no idea how to be just her friend. But fuck if you could ever really let her go.
So you pull her closer to you still and whisper the truest sentiment you know" I don't know how to be just your friend Brittany". You are not at all surprised when she says against the shell of your ear
" Neither do I."