Madoka Magica is created and owned by SHAFT and Urobuchi Gen. I am neither, and I'm not making a single cent whatsoever out of this.

All other characters and series mentioned belong to their respective copyright owners, even if not always to their original creators, sadly.

No similarity between any of this and anyone or anything ever seen in real life was ever intended. So there!

OFFERS YOU JUST HAVE TO REFUSE.


Puella Magi of the Dead

"Alice-chan," Saya pushed her glasses up, giving the little critter a wary look, "Where did you find this animal?"

"He found me, actually!" the little girl chirped. "He says his name's Kyuubey!"

Make a contract with me and become Magical Girls...

"Please tell me it hasn't just talked," Rei grimaced.

"It's a classic staple of the Mahou Shoujo genre...!" Hirano was awed. "Oh man, you can't let this chance pass by!"

"You only want to see us in skimpy sailor fukus, don't you?" Saya correctly guessed.

If you become Puella Magi, you could have your most cherished wish realized...

"We could get rid of 'Them'!" Rei gasped.

"It might be worth it..." Saeko pondered.

"Wai, wai!" Shizuka waved a hand up and down. "I want to be a Magical Girl, Cute Fluffy Doll-sama!"

Kyuubey looked at her.

You're too old to be a Magical Girl...

Shizuka's world cracked. "Old...?-!"

"I'm old..." she crouched down in a Corner of Woe.

"I'll take it!" Alice chirped.

"Okay, me too!" Rei nodded.

"I guess we don't have that many other chances to save this world..." Saya said.

"Let's do it," Saeko nodded.

You three are a bit old as well, but I suppose you barely squeeze in...

Three months later, Homura Akemi calmly walked away. "... There. Now I'm off to do more important things."

"Uh, yeah... Thanks..." Komuro looked down at what was left of Witch Saeko, Witch Rei, Witch Alice and Witch Saya.

"Magical Girl stories aren't supposed to end this way...!" Hirano lamented.

"Bark!" Zeke barked.

"Oh, boys...!" Shizuka bawled, hugging both young men. "This has been so horrible...! Please comfort me...!"

They both looked at each other for a very long time, then shrugged their shoulders at the same time.

SHIZUKA HAREM ENDING- UNLOCKED!


Puella 1/2

Then, now you've accepted, what is your wish? Kyubey asked.

"I wish to be a boy, full time, forever!" Ranma-chan cried enthusiastically.

Kyubey made a brief pause. For once, he sounded almost stunned. Almost. Please, repeat that again. Are you implying you are actually a boy part of the time?

"I'm a boy, born a boy, and fated to be a boy!" the redhead poked herself in the chest with a thumb. "I'm only like this when I get splashed with cold water!"

Kyubey shook his head. I'm terribly sorry, but we'll have to cancel our contract.

"Eh?-! Why?-!"

We only recruit the services of actual, born, one hundred percent girls, Kyubey explained. We make no deals with males. Forgive my lack of previous research on you, and I regret making you waste your valued time, Ranma-san, he added, sounding mostly mechanically formal, with no real feeling to his words.

"No! No! Wait!"

Goodbye, and he jumped into the night.

Ranma took her head back and balled her fists up. "NOOOOOO!-!-!-!"

For some reason, even without the Puella Magi powers, her grief was enough to turn her into a Witch...


The Importance of Being Kyubey-kun

Lelouch Lamperouge

"Make a contract with me..." he commanded, looking straight into Madoka's eyes, "... and become a Magical Girl!"

Madoka felt strangely inclinated to obey without question...

Damn best field agent subcontractor the Incubators ever got, even if he kept plotting to overthrow them constantly. It amused them, actually.

Ganthet

"Take this ring..." the tiny blue old man clad in red told Madoka, ".. and become a Green Lantern to fight Entropy, the ultimate doom of the universe itself, predicted in the prophecies of our Corps!"

Madoka blinked. "Are you Papa Smurf?"

All Star Batman

"What are you, dense? Are you retarded or something? I am the Goddamn Incubator! Now make a contract with me and become a Magical Girl, punk!"

Kyouko closed the door on his face.

Ikari Shinji

"Please, make a contract with me and become a Magical Girl. You mustn't run away, mustn't run away, mustn't run away... AAARRRRGHHH! I'M BECOMING THE SAME AS MY FATHER!"

Madoka warily gave several quick steps back.

Ikari Gendo

"The girl is a coward. She won't do. Fuyutsuki, bring Rei back."

"Yes, Commander."

The old man returned bringing a bandaged, battered blue haired girl in a Mahou Shoujo outfit.

"Rei, " Gendo told her. "The new Magical Girl refuses to accept the offer. You must go battle the Witch again."

"Yes, Commander..." she quietly said.

"B-But Shinji-kun told me...! He told me to never...!" Madoka began sobbing.

Bugs Bunny

"Accept the contract!" he told Madoka.

"No, don't accept the contract!" said Homura.

"Accept the contract!" he said.

"Don't accept the contract!" Homura repeated.

"Accept the contract!"

"Don't accept the contract!"

"Accept the contract!"

"Don't accept the contract!"

"Don't accept the contract!"

"Accept the contract!"

"Don't accept the contract!"

"Accept the contract!" Homura forcefully approached an intimidated Madoka. "I say you must accept the contract, so do it! Accept it!"

Madoka stared on helplessly, then finally nodded. "Okay! I accept the contract!"

Homura froze in place.

The Incubator munched on his carrot and gave the audience a side glare. "Ain't I a stinker?"

Darth Vader

"It's your destiny, Madoka. Accept it. Become a Magical Girl, join the Dark Side of the Magic, and we will rule the galaxy together like father and Witch!"

"I already have a father!"

"Oh. Homura never told you what happened to your father."

"She told me enough! She told me you cut him in the supermarket line! With five items in the four items or less line!"

"No, Madoka. I am your father!"

"No... that's not true! That's impossible!"

"Search in your heart. You know it's true. Do you think someone as girly as Tomohisa could have fathered anyone?"

"NOOOOOOOOO!"

There is a brief cutaway to Junko in her office. She gives the camera an even side glance.

"What?" she says.

Mojo Jojo

"And so, I command and order you, blasted Powerpuff Girls, make a contract, strike a deal, perform an alliance, establish a pact, with me and become Puella Magi, a fancy foreign term for Magical Girls, that is, young female users of magical powers!" Mojo shook a fist. "By doing so, I, MOOOOOJO JOOOOOJO, will bestow those powers upon you so you can carry on my will, do what I want in fair trade for my magical services, and then, you will be realized Puella Magi under my watch! I know even you can't refuse such an offer for power!"

The three girls looked at each other.

Finally, Blossom said, "Ummm, Mojo... We already have superhuman powers far beyond those of mere mortals, remember?"

"You'll get a granted wish, too! By accepting the contract, you will have any wish your heart, soul or mind, depending on your beliefs and religion, may have, granted, allowed and done! You could have a loving father!"

"We already have one," Blossom said.

"Fame and respect!"

"We have just arrived from the monthly Townsville parade on our honor, remember?" Buttercup said.

"Super intelligence!"

"Blossom already has enough of that for all three of us!" Bubbles pointed out.

"Like I'd ever want being a brainiac..." Buttercup mumbled.

"Uh. Figures. After Princess accepted the deal, taking my offer and becoming a Magical Girl so easily, I was sure and convinced I was on a winning streak..."

Blossom's eyes bulged out. "You gave PRINCESS ultimate magical power?-!"

Then the ground trembled, and a gigantic Witch in orange wearing a crown towered over Townsville, roaring so hard all windows in town shattered.

Buttercup growled. "You suck so hard, Mojo!"

Homer Simpson

"Either become a hideous murderous Witch monster after experiencing ultimate despair, or be eventually killed by one!" the funny looking yellow man offered them.

"EEEEHHH?-!-?" Sayaka and Madoka chorused.

He slapped his forehead. "D'OH! I keep saying the part I'm supposed to hide, and hiding the part I'm supposed to say!"

Donald Duck

Since none of them ever understood what the funny talking duck was trying to offer them, Madoka, Homura, Sayaka, Mami and Kyouko all lived happily to very old ages.

Hannibal Lecter

"Well," he considered, looking down at Mami's headless body, "It would be even more of a loss of such a young life if all this flesh went to waste..."

Madoka and Sayaka pressed their hands against their mouths as their cheeks swelled up from the inside.


Hotter and Sexier.

"Make a Contract with me," the beast with the dozens of tentacles said, "And become a Magical Girl. Then you will have any wish your heart might think of granted..."

Mami nodded. "I will. So, how is the Contract made?"

"Well," it answered, "Start by stripping down..."

—-

"And that's how a Contract is established!" Mami cheerfully finished. "Hey, where are you two going?"

But Sayaka and Madoka already had bolted out her apartment's door.


Tsundere.

It-It isn't like I want you to be a Magical Girl or anything, Kyubey said, looking aside. A-A Baka like you would have no chance against the Witches, after all. I don't know what was I thinking, offering you that chance. I must have done it out of obligation or pity...

"Ah, sorry! Sorry!" the girl said. "I didn't mean to offend you! Please forgive me! I'll take the job and help you, Kyubey-san!"

It worked every time. For some reason, Japanese humans were weak to that kind of ridiculous display.


Marriage Contract.

She had ended up taking, all things considered, after her mother, in more ways than one. Not only she had grown to look just like a pink haired Junko, but she also had developed an affinity for the same types of clothes and perfume, and even took a job mostly similar to her mother's. And then, of course, there was the liquor. She probably was even further past the 'social drinker' line than Junko ever was, but not gone enough to be considered an alcoholic. Yet.

Then again, there also were differences. She liked to think her children were smarter and more driven than she ever was, and then there was her husband, naturally, who was very different from her father. He was a successful worker, the top one at his line of work. Which meant he had to spend a lot of time with much younger girls, but that didn't bother her. She knew she'd always be his precious special Meguca.

The problem, which was something that would have shocked many who knew them, was with her, not with him.

Madoka, we have to settle this, he asked her that morning, just after the children left for school, and before they headed for their jobs. You have to sop seeing that woman. Like always, he was analytic and collected, never prone to anger, but never fooled either. He had known almost from day one, ever since she and Homura met again at Sayaka's funeral, and then had that desperate late night encounter after drowning their sorrows several glasses too many. Homura had become her vice ever since, and Homura still disliked him as much as ever.

"I'm trying, " she said, not looking at his eyes. "Believe me, I am!"

Maybe we should look for a marriage counselor, Madoka, he argued. I don't think it is advantageous for either of us to dissolve our contract, but at the same time, Homura is a straining factor in our dynamics now. Please do consider it, will you?

She had to nod, just to get him off her case for now. She remembered when Mami had introduced them, and he had offered her so many things, the whole world, if she only said the right words. She had grown to really like him, flaws and all, and she wanted to think he was also fond of her, even if he was unable to show it as often as a wife would like. Or ever.

He kissed her forehead before leaving. It's getting late. The girls are waiting. We'll continue talking tonight, okay?

"Okay. Have a nice day."

As she sat alone now, folding her arms on the table and resting her chin on them, she tried to figure where her wish had gone wrong.

But no matter how you sliced it, the magic was definitely gone.


That Goddamn Batman.

I still don't quite understand how it happened, Kyubey confessed. He shouldn't have been able to ever detect me, for starters, much less to capture me and force me to stand captivity in this place.

"Oh, it's what he does, " the Joker carelessly shuffled his cards around. "Don't think how much of how he does it, or it'll crack your mind. Just look at what it did to me! HYA HA!"

Still, it doesn't even make any legal sense I was sent here. Not only I am perfectly sane, rational and in control of my own actions, but I am not human, and as such, I shouldn't fall under this state's prison or psychiatric jurisdiction.

"Believe me, you wouldn't have liked the city pound either. Let me tell you of the time I had to spring my hyenas out of there. Some idiot actually thought they were mutts..."

Regardless, I believe this is the last time I ever try to seal a contract in this city. A waste of an opportunity, however, since it is filled with a multitude of despair inducing factors...

"Wait, you're the guy who was into child prostitution, aren't you? Eeeeewwwww, I'll let you know even I have standards...!"

Actually, while I do offer young girls the chances to fulfill their dreams in exchange for continued use of their bodies, that doesn't mean I—

Joker slammed a shoe down on him.


Kyubey, I Choose You!

Make a contract with me, and become a Magical Girl... it told Dawn.

A confused Ash pulled his Pokedex out. "What kind of Pokemon is this?"

"You know, you wouldn't have to fucking wonder that every fucking day if you fucking studied the fucking thing every night like Pokemon Masters are fucking supposed to do, " Brock observed.

"Pika Pika-Chu!" Pikachu nodded his agreement.

"Kyubey, the Contractor Pokemon, " the Pokedex said. "Doesn't die when it's killed. It's under severe delusions of being on a mission to save the universe from a force known as Entropy, which—"

"Alright!" Dawn said. "I'm going to get myself a Kyubey! Piplup, I choose you!"

"Piplup!"

No, wait, why do you humans never listen ahhhhh...

And so, eventually, out of all known universes, the Pokemon one was the first to fall to Entropy.


History Lesson.

And so, without the Incubators and the contracts taken by Magical Girls, you humans would probably still be living in caverns... Kyubey said.

Madoka blinked a few times in astonished silence before turning to the filming crew. "Oh, c'mon! For fuck's sake! This is going too far! Not even the masturbatory geeks watching this crap religiously can take this shit seriously! What does the Mahou junk have to do with basic human evolution? Are you fucking telling me a caveman couldn't have rubbed two sticks to make fire without a magical weasel taking his daughter's soul? What the hell is wrong with this industry, people? We're killing our careers and credibility with this stinker!"

"Madoka-chan always wanted to do serious crime seinen, but always was told she didn't have the body type for it, " Kyoko explained for Kyubey's benefit.

Ahhhh...


The Secret Origin of Over Master.

Briselda and Johanna stepped back in fear and disgust as what had once been their friend changed into a grotesque creature in the middle of the unforgiving streets of Valencia, Venezuela, past midnight.

It couldn't be helped, Kyubeydo Antonio said. Josefina didn't purify her Soul Gem enough, so now she's become the most horrible kind of monster in existence...

"Yo-You mean..." Briselda said.

He nodded. Yes. A fanfiction writer!

The newly changed Over Master scratched himself on the ribs. "Well. I think I'll go write some Negima lemon now..."

Johanna gasped. "We must destroy him NOW! For mankind's sake!"


Already Taken.

Make a Contract with me, and become Magical Girls...

"Um, thank you, critter, but I'm already busy piloting the EVA, " Asuka said.

"Looking for Clow Cards with Kero, sorry, " Sakura said.

"A-A-Already have my time compromised with Negi-sensei, and the Pactio, and all that..." Nodoka stuttered.

"Can't take the offer as long as I'm doing the Sailor Senshi thing, " Makoto shrugged.

"Call me when I finish handling the crisis at the Digiworld, okay?" Miyako said, hands put together.

"I'm actually just in transit here until I recover my Shinigami powers, so it's not like I can stay to play with you, " Rukia deadpanned.

"Are you crazy? Like I don't have enough as it is with the whole Hime mess!" Mai told him.

"Mother wouldn't like it if I took a part-time job on the side, " Fate excused herself.

"... You didn't get the memo on me, did you?" Nagato asked softly.

Kyubey's head drooped. Why did I get assigned the Japan area?


Burdens.

"I watched your new movie last night, you know," Sayaka said over their soft drinks. They had just met in the boulevard, recognized each other from the magazines and the random distant mutual sighting in one anime-con or another, and saw no reason to not sit together to kill some time. "It was very over the top, but... fun, I guess. Sad, but fun. And it's not like we can talk about others being over the top and sad."

"Oh, a premiere night fan!" the albino boy laughed easily. "I'm flattered. Yes, we had a troubled production, but I'm quite proud of the end result."

"Uh-huh. But you died again."

"Well, it comes with the ambiguous savior-destroyer role. It can't be helped."

"Yeah, but don't you ever get sick of it? I know I do!" she argued. "Time after time, no matter what, we sacrifice ourselves for others, and all we get is being called monsters, and being told we took stupid decisions. Then we are killed and forgotten. Heck, they even forgot you in the AU Lighter and Softer manga! It just isn't fair! Why it's always us?"

He shrugged. "We aren't saints either, Miki-san. I'd say we aren't angels, but... well. Anyway, there's also a lot of selfishness in what we do, and why we do it."

"Well, at this point I'd say we're darn entitled to a bit of selfishness, don't you think? We try as hard as everyone else, but we're always to be sacrificial lambs, no matter what we do! It's so unfair!" she slammed her glass down on the table and supported her forehead on a hand. "Sorry. Just look at this, my haters are going to roast me alive again..."

"Haters is a very strong and crude word, Miki-san," the albino smiled. "I'd prefer calling them our critics."

She gave him a sullen look. "You aren't buying your own crap, are you?"

"Perhaps not, but maybe I'm also telling myself I'll eventually buy it if I keep saying it."

"That's a very sad position to take in life," Sayaka observed.

"True. But, isn't it the same reason why you keep trying to be a heroine?"

"No, that's because I usually don't remember anything from the last time I tried it."

"Ah. That's right. Then, that's why Homura-sama keeps trying, and—"

"Don't talk to me about Homura. And why the '-sama' anyway? Why don't I get the '-sama' too?"

"Because you never use '-sama' with someone you can actually relate to, " he said.

She blinked, and finally, slowly, smiled at him.

Three hours later, they stared together at the ceiling of the small room.

"I guess I should tell you I usually never do this with girls."

"Yeah, I've heard so. Then, was I a pity case?"

"Oh, no, no. I never act on pity. Monsters like me can't do that."

"You aren't a monster, Nagisa-san."

"I once killed a kitten. That's why I consider my misfortunes to be pretty much karma at work."

"Oh, that's right. Oh, then I suppose you're a monster, yeah. But at least a handsome one. Not like you ever turn into a hideous Witch..."

He squeezed her hand tenderly.

She said, "You're a real angel, aren't you? Next time I die, will you be there at Heaven for me? Madoka-chan is a busy God now, not that I think of you as a rep—"

"I'll try," he interrupted her with a promise.

They remained there, hand on hand.


NEXT: I dunno. I'll think of something, okay?