AN: This is a parody and my poor attempt at humor. Everything France says was translated through BabelFish and trust me it's nothing dirty.
Alfred's Magical Potato
"sup dudes," Amurika said walking into another world conference. (he wasn't invited this time)
"Ohonhon, une tasse de farine tout usage," France said seductively.
"You don't even understand what you're saying anymore do you," England yelled across the table pointing towards the italicized subtitles. (he was the only one in the room who saw them)
"deux tasses de lait," France snorted.
"What's he saying, is it something sexy," Amurika asked. "was he just talking dirty to you in French?"
"Does it sound like he was," England said sarcastically leaning back into his seat.
Every nation attending answered yes agreeing with Amurika.
"Sex, it's nothing to ashamed of," Italy said sympathetically. "you'd be surprised what me and Germany do in spare time like yesterday," he explained enthusiastically. "we were both taking a steamy bath together at my house when Germany decided to *censored* me and he *censored* me hard. Oh wow, it was wonderful and then he *censored* and *censored* and *censored* me some more. Because we were covered in suds it made us really slippery making it easier for us to *censored*."
There was an extremely awkward silence when Italy finished.
"un œuf," France murmured.
Japan and China were trying to hide their nose bleeds.
England was secretly jotting notes down underneath the table.
Amurika pursed his lips shut, the edge of his mouth slightly twitching.
Russia only smiled contently.
Germany wanted nothing more than melt into the floor.
"Moving along," England quickly suggested.
"Besides," Russia said pointing out the obvious. "why 'Murika are you in possession of a potato?"
"This," Amurika said holding the potato showing everyone. "I got this bitch from some yokel selling it from some shady road stand from Iowa. The farmer like sold it to me for a thousand bazillion dollars."
"Bazillion are aware there's no such number," Japan said softly.
"But it has mystical qualities," Amurika whined. "the guy said so!"
"You actually paid the bastard a fictitious amount of money," England screamed. "what's worse you don't even believe in such things!"
"I can prove my potato exists unlike someone I know," Amurika replied frowning. The potato levitated from Amurika's hand and bitch slapped the hell out of England. (total pwnage)
England suffered multiple contusions to the head. (it basically means the potato beat him black and blue) (beating someone black and blue just means England's face is bruised and may have experienced a concussion in the process)
But that's okay England cast a healing spell on himself. (note: the author refuses to hospitalize any characters that become injured)
"C'mon, ever since I bought this potato life has been ten times better," Amurika said smiling, and then he whistled for his potato. It was lying on the conference room table when it sprung to life and flew back into its owner's open palm where he caught it.
"I can't believe I saw that happen with my own eyes," China admitted, his mouth was hung open out of shock and surprise.
"That's not all it can do," Amurika shouted as he demonstrated its ability to uncloak invisible countries. (namely Canada)
Japan was the first one to whip out his iPhone and snap multiple revealing photos of Canada.
Canada was up against the wall trying his best not to freak out as everyone noticed his choice of attire. The shy and modest nation was even more ashamed of himself. He swore the e-mail he sent to his brother should've arrived or he just didn't pay attention not to come in today. Of course he knew about the existence of Amurika's potato and the magical properties it possessed.
Amurika used him as a guinea pig to find out what it was capable of doing.
"Wha, wait you don't understand," Canada said as everyone stated their opinions towards the vulnerable young man.
Canada was cross dressing as a sexy French maid much to his chagrin.
No matter how many times he protested that he didn't voluntarily dress as a maid it made him even more suspicious.
"Red is such a pretty color on you," China squealed. "there's even a maple leaf on your apron, it's so precious."
Canada wasn't sure to take that as a compliment he just continued to inhale long deep cleansing breathes.
"Dans un bol, combiner la farine, oeufs et lait," France said licking his lips. He held a hand out eager to cop a feel, but his dirty hand was rudely batted away by England.
Japan wasn't paying attention anymore because he was too busy updating his tumblr.
"Roleplaying fetish," England asked Canada's face turned bright red.
"I just lost a bet is all," Canada exclaimed thrashing his head wildly from side to side.
"Who made you do it," Amurika said intrigued by his brother's gambling exploits.
"Um, I'd rather not say," Canada said shutting both eyes. "and besides why should I matter isn't that potato something of a trouble maker."
Russia was chanting kols under his breath that was directed towards Canada. His threatening aura was more than enough to stop Canada from exposing their secret relationship. (if he wasn't busy protecting his image as a straight man. He'd wanted to tell Canada he was some fine piece of ass)
Sealand randomly ran into the conference room bouncing up and down.
"England guess what," Sealand said anxiously.
"Uh, yes what is it," England asked.
"It's official I'm actually recognized as a real country now!" Sealand announced.
"Sodding bloody hell," England cracked open his thick leather bound copy of Spells to destroy Fucking Potatoes. Skimming through incantations he found the perfect incantation and recited its ancient and powerful spell.
"Potato you just fucked with the wrong sorcerer now biatch," England screamed.
The potato imploded and the damage it wrought on all the countries while in Alfred's possession vanished. Everyone became normal once more and Sealand was now reduced to a micro-nation again.
But the potato didn't influence Russia and Canada to pursue a relationship. But it did force Germany and Italy to *censored* each other, but they weren't complaining.
As for France he went back to being the France everyone knows.
How long ago were these events taking place before I wrote this one-shot?
Feel free to write a prequel with ten plus chapters about it.