In the educational system, poorly told English papers are considered especially hilarious. In a classroom, the lackluster students who write these audacities are known as the JLMPU: Just Let Me Pass Unit. Their task was to write a modernization of the play Oedipus Rex. The names have been changed to protect the innocent, but the original draft hasn't. This is their resulting poorly told story.


In Washington D.C. there lived a couple their names were Jackie and Paul. (Wow, you've totally captivated me with that first sentence. Even though we don't know their live or occupation it just completely envelops us into their lives, doesn't it? So many questions like, why? Oh, don't mind me. I'm just your assigned partner on this project, here to edit what you wrote in class this morning. This will impact both of our grades. Just letting you know. Please, continue to allow your masterpiece to unfold.)

They had a baby name Edward it (Wow, that explains so much. Like why the heck did they name their kid if they didn't want him? And, most importantly, how many reading this will begin comparing this baby to a certain vampire?) Seeing that they didn't make the perfect parents they left their baby on the front porch of a random house (Oh yes, perfectly reasonable.) and placed him on a random individual's step in the next city over. (You used a word with five syllables! Congrats!) The baby was tied up by its hands and feet because they didn't want him to crawl away and rapped him in a blanket in a basket. (So I suppose that this is a modern day metaphor for kingship, in comparison to the original, having him crawl up in the industry by using his word skills like the sphinx to- oh, you meant wrapped didn't you?)

That morning when a politician opened the door they weren't at all in store for what they had found. (The government, wondering how this politician cloned themselves so quickly?) A crying baby with no one around. (Oh.) So that person toke the baby in and grew him up as their own they didn't want to put him up for adoptions seeing how they knew the life it would have had. (A non-illegal one, Mr. /Mrs. cloning politician? You do realize kidnapping (or smoking him, judging by that spelling) an infant can have a serious toll on your votes? Not every baby left on your doorstep turns out to be superman. Also, you do know commas exist, right? I'm starting to think this story isn't very good.) Edward had grown up in went to highly educated schools and made a strong impact on his parents' life knowing that he made them happy and he was always making the right choices. (My, with all these run-on sentences you could win Lance Armstrong's medals back!)

He wasn't like many others it wasn't long before he had his own car and rushed home Too show his parents. (Okay, look, did you and punctuation get into a fight, so now you're not on speaking terms? You clearly capitalized that wrong version of Too.) He was happy because his hard work had finally paid off all the school and homework all the long study nights and 2hrs of sleep nights. (Seriously, I can get punctuation on the phone. You can even text him if you want- OOOOOHHHH that explains a lot. And we're only on the first page.) It had all seemed worth it to drive off the lot in his brand new car. But while he was rushing home he swerved into a car while answering his phone trying to tell him mom he was on his way back. (I'd say that's forced schmaltzy tragedy, but I'm just happy I've been able to go two sentences without picturing our teacher entering a cationic state after reading this.) The car he hit went spiraling out of control Edward didn't know what to the car stopped he got out ran over and asked the man if he was okay he was bloody and browsed. (You ARE in high school, right?) Edward called the ambulance and told them were to go and he followed behind the ambulance to see what was going to happen. (Yes, go to see his mangled body and grief-stricken family.)

Edwards was too afraid to call his parents to tell them what happened so he just pasted nervously back and forth through the hospital. (Don't worry, your family seems to be professionals when it comes to causally covering up crimes.) Then he noticed a lady crying and talking to the man she held his hand and said it's going to be okay Paul I know you'll be okay. (Nope, it doesn't surprise me that quotations don't matter to you either. You're going to have to try harder now.) She wiped her tears and walked away Edward went to comfort her. ("Take comfort in my arms, woman who's life I've shattered due to my own stupidity.")

She talked to him about their relationship and how they had a child together but abandoned it and how she regretted it and wished she could meet him. (And let's see what's being door number III!) It wasn't long before Paul was announced dead and couple weeks flew and Edward and Jackie showed up at the funeral together. (Wow, first sentence she abandons her kid, not one sentence passes before she flies by the mourning stage of her husband, I don't care what happens to you.) Jackie was the talk of the funeral seeing how she came with another man while her husband died so recently. (Since when has something been ever referred to as "the talk of the funeral" that isn't the body? It's not a fashion show.) Rumors went rushing through the crowed till someone walked over to Edward and informed him about what was being said to see what his reaction was going to be. (Y'know what this is? It's one of those fanfictions that thirteen year olds write on the internet. Only it's written by a high-schooler. And worth our grade.)

Edward rushed away and went home. Later that night he was bothered by what he knew and asked Jackie was it true and had a convo with Jackie about her story again. (If you cannot complete your sentences, at least complete your words. You just wrote a really long text message and then let me and spell-check fix the rest, didn't you?) When Edward put to and to together (Okay. Nope. I'm not even going to wait for that sentence to finish before I put in criticism. I'm no grammar Nazi, but go back to elementary school and re-learn the difference between numbers and words.) it all made since (GRAAAAAAH!). It became true that Jackie is his mother. Jackie didn't know how to cope with the fact she fell in love with her son and her husband died. (Yeah, by the way, just in case you forgot the funeral in the last paragraph. Also, it's not so bad. It's not did him resulting in four kids after he killed your husband OH WAIT)

She drove to a bridge and shot herself. (She drove to a bridge to shoot herself. She went to the trouble of wasting gas to all the way to this bridge, and when she was just going to shoot herself. I shall say again. WHYYYYYYYY?! Did she not want to her brains to stain the carpet? Did she think jumping off would ruin her hair? WHY WHY WHY?!) After she died Edward went blind. (Oh, yes, that ironic random blindness that's been going around. It happens.)

(Well, that's the end of the page so I suppose the story is over. I'm no English teacher, but you seemed to have written something that barely resembles the theme or point of the original. With that said, oh my god this is gold! Gloriously horrendous! I laughed really hard at this, and after I edit it down enough to be presentable, I shall share this with everyone I know and then some! I will say this though: at least it's better than your original idea of Jackie being a pregnant crack addict giving birth in the school bathroom. Ciao!)


(You can read this, as well as some of my non-fanfiction works, at figment dot come here /books/474385-Modern-Oedipus-Bad-Fanfiction)