Okay readers as requested by MANY the next chapter. Just remember every chapter makes us one step closer to when A&C finally get together. So please just hold it together.
The Fray - look after you
DIDO- here with me
The civil wars - poision and wine
( I HIGHLY RECOMMEND YOU LISTEN TO THESE SONGS)
Who knew my mind would be even more complicated but after yesterday I was wrong. It's not so much as the letter made me suspicious, but the fact that I have no reason at all to be upset or angry because I am nothing more than a friend to him, maybe a little sister. With my insecure mind, and the fact that he avoided the almost kiss yesterday just makes this whole pretending even harder and agonizing in the first place.
This brings me to the present… I'm going to tell him. Everything. I'm done settling and accepting things I don't like, I'm going to just tell him how I feel. I'm pushing little ass insecure Ana to the curb, and I'm going after what I want, or in this situation who I want.
The continuing thoughts of what if and what could be is just piping up my curiosity every day to the point where I don't want to imagine and live in my head any longer. I want to actually know what if, and what could. If he feels the same then this is only better for me, and if he doesn't well … I haven't really gotten that far but we will see in time.
And thinking about it I do have a right to be upset about that email. I know for a fact I am not blind, nor am I dumb or stupid so I know that what has been going on between us is more than friends. Correct me if I'm wrong but all those nights we spent sleeping together and doing very sexual things at times, is not just mere friends.
God I have a hell of a lot to discuss with him today while we're on his boat. Now let's just hope that I can feed off of this anger and courage for later on. But just in case, I do have a plan B to take the edge off of it all enough to make this easier on us both.
As we get out of the car, Christian immediately grabs hold of my hand. Glancing down at my hand I scowl, see this is definitely not just fucking friends. Gosh I wish he would just admit his interest in me, to take all this weight off of my shoulders for our future talk.
Casually I slip my hands out of his, and put them in my pockets. As he looks at me with a quizzical look, or should I say a "what the fuck look," I just shrug and smile and say, "My hands are cold."
Wow good one.
As we continue to walk to the massive boat we hear the thunder followed by the massive strike of lightning, wow sure is the perfect day to go sailing. -_-
Stopping when we reach to the boat I stand in front of it awkwardly as I see Christian approach a guy standing at the entrance of the boat, who I can only assume is a guy that maybe works on the boat. I stand there watching them, I mean I don't want to intrude since I'm only his "friend," you know it's not like I'm anything more.
Gosh who am I anymore, this sulking baby who over analyzes everything. Shaking my head I glance around, and can see a kid fishing with his father I presume. Smiling towards them the father smiles back, and continues to fish while the kid just stares at me.
Jesus kid, did you ever hear of something called manners?
As I try to turn away and distract myself, I find myself turning back to look at him. Fuck what is his problem.
Quizzically I arch my brow towards him, and am rewarded with a tongue. Really? Shaking my head, I the ever so adult stoop to his level and stick my tongue back at him, followed with some other ugly faces.
Watching me with the most impassive face he just sticks his middle finger up, stopping me in my track. With my mouth wide open in shock, I'm rewarded with another finger, then to top it all off he mouths the words, "Fuck you."
Little ass hole.
And just as I was getting ready to throw the little fucker in the water, I'm stopped by Christian's voice.
"ANA?!" I turn to see him calling me over with his hands.
Jesus, was I really going to let a little kid effect me. Fuck what is up with me. Jogging I run up to Christian.
"Why were you standing over there?" He asks, brow furrowed.
"Umm…. I… I was just lost In thought I guess." I say trying to play it off.
"Okay well the thunders rolling in and it looks like there's going to be a storm, so plan B, we just spend time in the boat. Is that okay with you or do you want to do something else?"
"No, no Christian that's fine, sounds fun." I say smiling.
"Kay babe, let's get inside."
You see! Babe?! Why must he lead me on. I don't give a fuck anymore this isn't just friends and if he says otherwise then he sure needs to stop with these things that people only do with their lovers. If this is how he treats friends, then we need to have another talk.
And as if it couldn't get worse he grabs me by my waist and walks me to the boat. Fucking shit.
Getting in the boat is awkward. Well at least for me since I'm anticipating this big talk that can make or break us, conversation isn't flowing so freely from me, and I know he notices. It's just I have so much stress which would be the perfect time to bring up plan b, what better time than the present right?
"So remember how you told me your anti-drug and all of this?" He nods suspiciously but I go on.
"So I was thinking since we practically had all of our firsts together why not… you know." I say.
"You know, let's do… it…. Together."
"No Anastasia I don't know. Are you insinuating sex?"
I almost choke on the air when I hear him say that. Well I get how he got confused but… fuck.
"No, no god no Christian, I meant ….. "
"Go on." He urges.
"God… Marijuana." I say quietly.
"You want me to do marijuana with you? No Anastasia absolute not."
"Oh come on. Your young, I'm young, let's do it before we get to old to do it. And what better person than with each other?"
God, I should of thought this through. I mean why the fuck wouldn't I see that he would not go for it.
"And what piped this little idea on? Or should I say who?" He says giving me a knowing look.
I sign and sit on the bed.
"God, why do you insist on thinking that Kate's this bad example, she's not who you think she is."
"Oh she's not isn't she? Well half of Seattle's men will beg to differ. I'm telling you, she is fucking tainting you."
"Oh, please Christian you're exaggerating, and what makes you think she was the one who put my mind on weed?"
He gives me a "Are you shitting me," Look.
"Oh she's not is she?"
"Fine, she may have been the reason I thought of it, but not the reason I want to do it. I just wanted to try it, especially with the exams and finals, and I couldn't think of a better person than you, but I guess I was wrong."
I sit, and sigh.
"The things I fucking do for you." I hear him say before he looks at me and says "Okay, where is it?"
Two blunts later…
"I could totally be an FBI agent."
I say. Fuck am I relaxed and Christian, I've never seen him more relaxed ever. But we're both laughing like fucking maniacs
"Oh you totally can." He says stuffing his face with cheese nips.
"Yea, I mean I'm smart, and after watching some CSI, I'm totally ready to kick some ass."
I say kicking, and punching in the air like a fighter.
"Fuck Christian, I'm hungry too!" I say hopping next to him, on the bed stopping him from eating everything.
"God, why didn't I think of this before? It takes the edge off it all. This is totally a way to stop all of our bickering like were an old married couple." I say laughing.
"I know, why do we even fight?"
"I don't know. It's pointless, either I'm being stubborn, or your being a dick." I say biting off some of his muffin.
"Oh a dick, eh?" He says.
"Yep, the biggest dick ever sometimes, I hate it."
"Oh what else do you hate, ?"
"I hate when you shut me out and act so cold, and I especially hate when you refuse to listen to me Mr. I'm always in control. God, you know sometimes I could just kill you."
"Oh you can, can you. Little ms secret agent. And how would you do that."
Sitting up on my knees I think hard, but am cut off by his loud laughter.
"God are you really that deep in thought about killing me, fuck!" He says between laughter.
"Yes. God, but let's see. I'd make it a slow death, so I could spend some time with you. So how about I poison the god awful coffee you drink everyday which is bad for you. Then I'd spend every day making you happy, because I'd feel a little bad that I'm killing you."
"Well, thanks for being so thoughtful." He says eating some more.
"I'm serious, sometimes all your brooding and seriousness gets me upset. Like, "Not now Anastasia, I have a big scary secret, blah blah." I say imitating him, making him and me laugh.
Falling on his chest I stay there while we catch our breath.
"The storms stowed." I say aloud.
We've quieted down, and he is now running his fingers through my hair. The highs fading away.
"What makes you think I have a big dark secret?" He says casually.
But I know it's a trick. So I decide to go with honesty.
"Your ability to block me out when we get to talking about you, your constant worry about me finding out more about you and your past, the secrets." I say.
"No," I cut him off, "its fine like I said before."
Quiet. Now or never Ana.
"Christian, I saw the text." Well that was blunt.
"What text?" He says.
I decide I needed to sit up and face him for this one.
"The text from your friend Elena, something about the usual, and someone named Janet."
"You were snooping?"
"No, technically I wasn't since it fell when I was cleaning and your screen happened to be on it…. And… and you know what I'm not ashamed nor do I regret it because to tell you the truth it's just something I get to find out that you weren't telling me. So what does it mean? I mean are you seeing someone, or running a fucking prostitution business. Are you a fucking Pimp …"
"NO, NO Anastasia! No. Listen. Ughhh." He runs his hands through his hair as he stands up.
"Okay, listen. I engage in what would seem to others as a different lifestyle, due to my past. It's called BDSM, Bondage and discipline, Dominance and Submission, or S&M- Sadism and masochism. It's…"
"I know what it is Christian." I interrupt.
"And I really don't care. If that's what you're into, in terms of sex, than who am I to judge? If it's a coping mechanism, or a stress reliever or whatever it is, it doesn't affect the way I see you. But the fact of the matter is that Christian I…. I'm jealous."
I say raising my hands and walking around.
"Okay, and pissed at the fact that this between us isn't friendship Christian. This isn't just friends, and you and I both know it. And the fact that you still are with other girls Janet or whoever the hell, makes me feel upset. I like you Christian, okay a lot, maybe even more than a lot, and I don't want to be just friends anymore. I never wanted it, I just said it because I was afraid of you and my feelings for you and everything just overwhelmed me but I, I am ready now."
I turn to look at him, I'm out of breath, everything I've held in out. Well not the love part but I'm sure it can wait. He looks shocked, and nervous.
And after minutes of waiting.
"I don't do girlfriends Anastasia." He says deadly quiet.
Wow. Are you fucking kidding me.
"Oh you don't. SO you just have sex with women, you even have a fucking person setting up these little sex dates or whatever they are. Is that why Janet didn't work out? Too close for comfort?"
Then it hits me. Janet.
"Wait… Janet. Was that the fucking girl that was there the night I took you to the hospital? The girl you said was Elliot's, that why you were so fucking nervous, you lied to me?" I say, the realization hitting me.
"Anastasia listen please…"
"NO. Why would you lie? And for what reason? Were just friend rights, that's all I mean you don't do the girlfriend thing." I say on the brink of tears, and he inches closer to me and I inch back.
"No don't touch me Christian." I say stopping him.
"Just don't okay. You and I both know that what this is isn't just friendly. Those nights you flirted with me, touched me, and kissed me, hell even when you got in bed with me. You're going to tell me that's what friends do? Is that what you do with all of your friends? How could you just lead me on, made me develop feelings for you, these strong feeling for you, when you know that it was going to lead nowhere?"
He looks at lost for words, and hurt, and he's looking at me with sorrowful pity eyes.
Then something else hits me.
"Was that what I was to you all along? Just a fuck? Just a submissive? Did you think you could just have sex with me and be gone, and go to that Elena to find another one? The usual?"
"Ana you could never be that, god you're so much more."
"Yea right," I scoff, "Because that's what it seems like right?"
"Admit it, own up to it Christian be a fucking man that you are and tell me, tell me what I was from the beginning."
"OKAY! You were just a submissive at first but Ana….."
"NO, Christian. Enough said, I knew you wouldn't feel the same."
I take a deep breath and wipe a stray tear away from my face.
"I knew what I was risking telling you how I really feel. But I'm glad I got it out. But now that everything's out in the open, I can't do this. You'll out grow me Christian, You'll tire of me. So I might as well get out now while I still can, because I don't….. I don't know if I can deal with it, let alone stomach the thought of you leaving me later. You said it yourself you don't do the girlfriend thing, and I can't hide the feelings in that I have for you if we resume as we were. As friends. I… I love you Christian…. But right now I just don't like you."
His face is shell shocked, until it hardens from his jaw to his cheekbone, to his eyes. He shut me out… once again.
"It sounds like you're breaking up with me." He says quietly.
"Maybe I am." I say.
I go to gather my bags, before his talking interrupts me.
"God dammit can we just fucking talk this through for a second. Ana."
"No Christian, we said all that we should have said. I don't think there's a need for anything else. You go on working to make GEH the best of its ability, and as of tomorrow I'll go to New York, and who knows what I'll decide on doing from there."
I stop and look down. This is really it.
I turn to leave before his words stop me once again.
"But you promised me." His words hurt me.
My heart hurts as I remember when I promised him I'll never leave.
"It's for the better." I manage to croak out.
"For who?! You? Because it sure as hell isn't fucking better for me." He shouts.
I can feel him walk up to me, as his breath hits my neck.
"You promised." He whispers.
"I know that Christian. And I love you, but I love my self more… and I can't put myself through that pain. I deserve more." I croak before I leave.
Okay before you guys kill me ... JUST KNOW that in the next chapter ITS ABOUT TO GO DOWN! Please i promised you they will be together and im more then POITIVE that EVERYONE will like the next chapter. KAY? So before you unfollow and yell at me through the comments just be patient for the next chapter and im sure ill be leaving everyone satisfyed.