I felt like writing an angsty one shot:) I haven't written a one shot in a while, so I came up with this. I live in the US, but I've watched clips of Hollyoaks, a soap opera in the UK, and on the show, one of the characters (Hannah) battles an eating disorder. I haven't watched the show before, but I have watched clips from this particular storyline and it's just heartbreaking. It inspired me to write the following story:)

I really hope that you all like it! I would kind of like to make a multichapter story once I finish Death Trap 2 (which still has plenty more chapters to go!)

Disclaimer: I don't own Big Time Rush

I was always the "nerd" in school. I was the one that helped with homework, studying for tests, and I was occasionally the kid that other kids cheated off of. When my three closest friends and I were taken to LA by Gustavo Rocque to be turned into an awesome music group, I never thought that I would get an incredibly beautiful girlfriend like Camille Roberts, but I did. She was perfect, everything I could ever want in a girl. In fact, I thought that we might get married someday.

Then Steve came along. He's an aspiring actor, like Camille. It started with them rehearsing for auditions together. Then they were going out to lunch together. Next thing I knew, I saw them at the movie theatre. All of these things were done without me.

Of course, I never let it bother me. I figured that Camille and Steve were just friends. After all, I have plenty of friends that are girls, such as Jo, Lucy, and Stephanie. Camille never got jealous when I hung with them.

One day, I decided that I wanted to take our relationship to the next level. So I got my glamour obsessed twin sister, Charleigh, to help me pick out a promise ring. I figured that Camille and I were gonna be together forever, so why not make a promise to her? I thought that she felt the same way about me, so I thought that a promise ring sounded like a great idea. Kendall got Jo a promise ring and she loved it.

When I got home that day, I texted Camille and told her to meet me at the park later. She responded with an "okay." She didn't put a smiley face at the end like she normally does, which worried me, but I didn't let it bother me too much. Sometimes we forget things. Everyone does.

What I didn't expect when I got to the park that night was Camille sitting by the lake with Steve, talking and laughing as if she weren't already in a relationship. Apparently, Steve had happened to be there and ended up sitting next to Camille. What happened next? I make my presence known, Camille pulls me aside and confesses that she has fallen for Steve. I angrily informed her of why I had came there (the ring) before storming back to my car.

If it's not obvious, we broke up. Even today, I still can't figure out why. When I took a good look at myself in the mirror, it came to me. Camille broke up with me because I wasn't good enough for her. I figured that losing a few pounds might help. I know, weight seems like something girls normally worry about, but I just feel like Camille might want me back if I...look better.

I started out with just a regular diet. I cut down on sweets, ate healthier foods, and exercised a little bit each day.

One day, I weighed myself, and when I saw that I had dropped a few pounds, I loved that feeling. I started becoming more and more restrictive with my food consumption. I began lying about what I was eating. I began recording what I ate in a notebook, which I kept a secret from everyone.

I began to lose more and more weight, at least that's what the scale always said. But every time I looked in the mirror, I knew that the scale was lying. According to my reflection, I'm the size of a whale...and it disgusts me. It's no wonder that Camille didn't wanna be with me anymore. What girl would wanna date me?

The first person to confront me was Kendall.

"You alright?" He asked me one night as I was crawling into bed.

"Yeah." I replied. "Why?"

"You've been...different lately." Kendall says carefully. "I don't even remember the last time I saw you eat a full meal."

I rolled my eyes at his comment. He made it sound like I have some kind of problem. I just want to lose some weight. Is there anything wrong with that? I just wanna look a little better. I don't see the problem.

The first time Mama Knight forced me to eat was terrifying, but she refused to let me leave until I ate everything on the plate. So I did. I hated myself afterwards. Why didn't I come up with a good excuse to get out of it? I knew there was only one way to correct my mistake, but I also knew how risky it is. I knew that I had to do it, though. Otherwise, I would gain more weight. I couldn't let that happen.

I went to the restroom and locked the door, kneeling in front of the toilet. I know that it's stupid to make myself throw up for the sake of weight loss, but I had to. I would never be happy with myself if I didn't keep that weight off. So I did it. I emptied my stomach with the use of two fingers.

As soon as I flushed the toilet, I broke down crying for the first time. How could I let it come to this? That's when I realized that not only am I fat, but I'm also stupid. If I had smarts, I could handle my problems better. A real man wouldn't obsess over their appearance so much. Wait...I just insulted James, didn't I? God, I am terrible.

I was so happy when Gustavo let the guys and I join our new school's hockey team. It sounded like the perfect way for me to exercise without raising any suspicions. When I wasn't at the recording studio, I was at the school hockey rink, "practicing." Whenever someone questioned my reasons for wanting to visit the local gym, I just told them that I want to stay in shape for hockey.

I continued to drop the weight, but sometimes I would get so hungry and I would get up in the middle of the night, heading for the kitchen and eating everything I could find. Then I would feel guilty and quickly empty my stomach. I still do it and I hate that, but it's an addiction that I can't even describe.

I hate myself for always lying to the people that care about me, but what can I do? I can't stop on my own, but I'm too ashamed of myself. I could never let anyone know my secret.

Carlos was oblivious. Every time he asked me if I was okay and I insisted that I was, he believed me. He could never see me as anything other than one of his closest friends that he thought he knew so well. Whenever someone else started making comments about my behavior, Carlos defended me. That's why he's the one person that I haven't isolated myself from. He's too innocent. He could never accuse me of anything because he doesn't believe there's anything wrong with me. It breaks my heart knowing that I've been lying to his face.

One time, before a game, Charleigh confronted me. I knew I couldn't tell anyone what I've been doing, especially not my sister. She acts like a spoiled princess sometimes, unbreakable, but I know that she would be hurt if she knew the truth. I can't do that to her. I can't let her know what I've turned into.

During the game, I began to feel dizzy. I remember rushing after the puck before everything faded to black. I woke up in a white room with Mama Knight, Katie, Charleigh, and the guys surrounding me. The first thing I did was have a near panic attack because I knew why I was in there.

The doctor told me that I was underweight and encouraged Mama Knight to have me sectioned, but I (once again) came up with an excuse. I "confessed" that I hadn't been feeling well and hadn't had much of an appetite. So I went home the next day and the first thing Mama Knight did was make me lunch.

I ate, but I can't say I enjoyed it. I managed to eat the whole sandwich, but my stomach was churning the whole time. Finally, I jumped out of my seat and ran to the restroom, dropping in front of the toilet. Mama Knight was at my side instantly, holding me as I broke down once again. She asked me if I was telling the truth when I said I wasn't feeling well and I said yes. It was sort of true. I really wasn't feeling well, just not for the reasons that anyone thought.

So here I am today, standing in front of my bathroom mirror, tears rolling down my cheeks. I am caught in a web of lies...and I don't know how to get free.


So...is it any good? I hope it is:)

Review! :D