Author's Note: I really hope I don't offend anyone with this story; it's a crack fic I thought up after taking some cold medicine last night (I, like, totally hate the stuff! YUCK!).
Disclaimer: I don't own Hetalia; that belongs to the totally awesome Hidekaz Himaruya. I only own my OCs: Krystiana, Ignacy, Jacek, Aurelia, Renata, and Marek.
May 1, 1939
Krystiana Łukasiewicz awoke in her bedroom to the sound of the abnormally loud footsteps of her younger brother, Feliks. She got out of bed and exited her room, following a curious trail of pink paint down the hall, downstairs, and out the door, where she saw that, not only were literally all the lights inside the house on, but the lights outside the house were on as well! The young Polish woman saw that there was a ladder against the front of the house, and, on said ladder, was Feliks! Krystiana's jaw dropped when she saw that Feliks was holding the can of paint and applying said paint to the house.
"Feliks," Krystiana said in a tired voice. "What are you doing?"
Feliks had been humming the Polish anthem, when he heard his sister talking to him. He looked at her and grinned. "Oh, like, hey, Sis."
"Hey, whatever," said Krystiana. She yawned, and then spoke again. "Do you know what time it is?" She looked cross as she said these words.
Feliks thought for a moment. "Uh, 3:30-ish?"
"No, it's 4:00 in the fucking morning!" said Krystiana. "What the hell are you doing at this ungodly hour?"
"Oh, I'm just, like, painting our house a wicked hipster pink," Feliks replied proudly. "Cool, huh?"
"Nie, it's not cool, you idiot," Krystiana said. "You know, it's 4:00 in the morning, and Father has to go to work in a few hours—being he's a diplomat and all—and you're just painting the fucking house pink?!" She sighed and shook her head. "And Father wanted you to join the military…"
"Tak, it is too cool, you biotch!" Feliks said childishly.
"No, it's not," said Krystiana. "Feliks Yitzchak Łukasiewicz, get your stupid Polish ass down off that stupid ladder, and get in the stupid house, this instant! Or else I'll tell Mother and Father!" She pointed to the front door of the house, just as the neighbors were coming out. The rest of the Łukasiewicz family—Ignacy (the father); Aurelia (the mother); Jacek (the grandfather); and Renata and Marek (the twins, nine years old)—came out of the house, rubbing the sleep out of their eyes and standing outside in their pajamas. It was now ten minutes after four.
"Mama, Papa, what's Feliks doing?" Marek asked, stifling a yawn.
Krystiana sighed in relief and went up to her parents. "Mother, Father, one or both of you, talk to your son and tell him to come to his senses, please! He's painting the house pink!" To her chagrin, Aurelia and some of the neighbors eagerly went up to the house and, armed with paintbrushes meant for painting houses and walls, went up several ladders to help Feliks with painting the house.
Krystiana face palmed. "Oy vey. Motherrrrrr, what are you doing?!"
"Like, this is totally fun!" said Aurelia. She beamed at her eldest son. "Like, great idea, Feliks. The house totally needed a makeover, anyway."
Krystiana turned to Ignacy, who was just as annoyed with his wife and eldest son as she was. "Father, please, do something! Feliks won't listen to me. Plus, Lui will probably hate me for having a pink house!"
"Aurelia, Feliks, the both of you come down," Ignacy called in a tired voice. "Come on, you two, it's now 4:30 in the morning."
"Krysia, Papa, there's a little British boy in a sailor suit here selling popcorn and tickets for some reason," Renata pointed out, gesturing to an eleven-and-a-half-year-old, blond-haired, green-eyed boy named Peter Kirkland.
"Come get your popcorn!" Peter called with a smile on his face. He was handing the people in Krystiana and Feliks' neighborhood paper bags of popcorn.
"And there are also a little Prussian boy and a little Italian boy helping him," said Marek. He pointed to two little boys. The Italian boy had brown hair and green eyes, and was about three and a half years old. His name was Savio Vargas. The Prussian boy had platinum blond hair and red-violet eyes, and was about two and a half years old. His name was Gilbert Beilschmidt.
"Here's your ticket, Miss Lady," Gilbert said and grinned at a woman in a nightgown as he gave her a ticket for admission to watch Feliks paint his house. She joined the neighbors who were watching while eating popcorn, paczki, pierogi, kielbasa, bagels, knishes, and other food.
"Enjoy the show," Savio said cheerfully to a couple who got their tickets and watched the "show" and ate.
Feliks and the others painted the house for the next fifteen minutes. It was now 4:45 in the morning.
"Oh, man!" Kystiana said. "Lui's gonna hate me for having a pink house, I just know it!" Then she looked at Feliks and saw what he was wearing: a pink, long-sleeved nightgown! "Hey! What are you doing, wearing my clothes?!" Then she started swearing at her brother in Polish, and then in Hebrew. "You stupid…UGH!" Now Lui's gonna laugh at me."
"Who told you that?" a German voice asked, which startled Krystiana, the rest of the Łukasiewicz family, and their neighbors. Krystiana turned around and saw, to her delight, her boyfriend, Ludwig Beilschmidt, Gilbert's older brother.
"Lui!" Krystiana said with glee and ran over to Ludwig and hugged him. "I'm so sorry about my house being pink. It was Feliks' idea."
"Okayyy…" Ludwig said. Then he saw Gilbert handing out tickets with Savio. "What's Gilbo doing here?"
Krystiana saw Gilbert with Savio. "Oh, I guess he's been handing out tickets to the neighbors, some of whom are helping Feliks and my mother paint the house."
"Oh," Ludwig said. Then he noticed Feliks wearing the nightgown. "Whose nightgown did Feliks steal this time?"
"Guess," Krystiana said. "Mine, again."
Ignacy slapped his forehead. "Great. I can just see the headlines now: Polish Diplomat Ignacy Łukasiewicz Has a Pink House Now and it Looks Ridiculous."
Feliks, Aurelia, and the neighbors who were helping paint the house continued with their work.
"This is, like, gonna look totally great, Mother!" Feliks said with glee.
"It sure is, son," said Aurelia.
"Maybe they should stop," Ludwig said. "My buddies who followed me here for some reason are laughing at you guys right now."
"Feliks! Mother! Everyone on those ladders!" Krystiana called, finally on her last nerve. "For the love of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, get off those ladders and get back inside!"
Feliks finally listened to his sister. He put his paintbrush in the paint can, picked it up, and started down the ladder. "Alright, alright. I'm coming down now, okay?" He finally reached the end of the ladder and set the can of paint on the ground.
"Hold it…hold it…just one more, and…there," Aurelia said, adding a final touch of paint to the house. "Okay, done." She climbed down her ladder and set her paint can on the ground. The neighbors who were painting followed suit. Then they took their respective ladders home, while Aurelia and Feliks put the ladders they were on before in the shed behind the house.
When Feliks and Aurelia came back to the front of the house to gaze at their "masterpiece", they found Ludwig's buddies who followed the German to the Łukasiewicz residence laughing at them and their house.
"Hahahahahahahaha!" the young German men said, tears of laughter coming out of their eyes as they gasped for breath and held their ribs.
"And you're supposed to be a freaking diplomat or something?" one of Ludwig's buddies, Hans, said to Ignacy.
"Hey, it wasn't my idea!" Ignacy said, his temper rising due to him being sleep-deprived. Hans and the other young men wouldn't listen.
"Hey, stop laughing at our pink house!" Jacek said, shaking his fist at the guys. "Back in my day, we didn't laugh at anyone who had a pink house, no matter how stupid it looked!"
"Father, I think you need to go back to bed," said Ignacy. He tried leading his elderly father back into the house.
"Ignacy Rishon Łukasiewicz, don't tell me what to do!" said Jacek.
"Okay, which one of you kids gave Grandpa here too much chocolate?" Ignacy asked his four children.
"Not me," said Krystiana.
"Like, don't look at me," Feliks said.
The twins stepped forward.
"We did," Renata said.
"Sorry about that," said Marek. "But we thought Grandpa wanted some of ours."
"It's okay, just don't do it again," said Ignacy.
"Ignacy, hon, like, doesn't our house look totally better now that it's pink?" Aurelia asked, hugging her husband's arm.
"Uh, no," said Ignacy. He got out of his wife's grip and got a hold of his father in order to bring him back into the house and put him back to bed. "Come on, guys, we should get some sleep…well, what little sleep we can, anyway."
"Okay," the kids said, and followed their parents into the house.
Krystiana stopped and went back to Ludwig. "See you later, Lui." She gave him a hug, then glared daggers at his buddies when they kept on laughing at the house. "Oh, will you guys just stop already? I already know how stupid my house looks!" She let Ludwig go and stormed into the house.
A few hours later, Feliks brought the paper in from the doorstep. "Hey, Mother, Father, our house is, like, on the front page!" He excitedly handed his father the paper.
"Huh?" Ignacy asked as he took the paper from Feliks and proceeded to look at the front page. His face fell when he saw the headline:
Poniedziałek, 01 maja 1939
POLSKI DYPLOMATA IGNACY ŁUKASIEWICZ MA TERAZ RÓZOWY DOM! TO WYGLĄDA NIEDORZECZNIE!
"Oh, no," Ignacy said. "Why does the press have to make a big deal about this? There are more pressing matters at hand now!"
"Maybe they, like, liked the house so much they totally wanted to put it in the paper," said Aurelia.
"Or maybe they think it looks dumb," said Krystiana.
"Yeah, that's why the headline says that our house looks ridiculous, Mama," Renata agreed.
"Oh, Rena, sweetie, they're just totally jealous of us," Aurelia said and patted her youngest daughter on the head.
Just then, Ludwig barged into the house without knocking and closed the front door behind him in a hurry, while, at the same time, carrying little Gilbert in one arm. He panted as though he was out of breath. "Hey…Krysia."
"Krysia, hi!" Gilbert said with a big grin.
"Lui, what's going on?" Krystiana asked, leading Ludwig and Gilbert to the sofa and sitting them down. Gilbert hopped out of Ludwig's arms and went to play with the twins.
"There are…reporters…thousands of them…outside the house," Ludwig said breathlessly while Renata stopped playing with Gilbert to get the German some water. Ludwig took the tumbler from the little girl. "Thanks, Rena." After taking a gulp of water, he continued. "They tried getting into the house."
"I wonder what they w—Oh, shit," said Feliks. The reporters broke the door down and crowded into the house, scaring the twins and making Gilbert cry.
Author's Note: Yeah, I was thinking that, since I made Feliks' dad a diplomat in this story, the paparazzi would be on him for anything, since he's an important figure.
P.S.: Rishon (Ignacy's middle name) is a Hebrew boy name meaning "the first one". According to a Hebrew baby name book I'm looking through at the moment, Rishon is usually given to the firstborn son of the family.
Nie- No (Polish)
Tak- Yes (Polish)
Poniedziałek, 01 maja 1939- Monday, May 1, 1939 (Polish)
POLSKI DYPLOMATA IGNACY ŁUKASIEWICZ MA TERAZ RÓZOWY DOM! TO WYGLĄDA NIEDORZECZNIE! - POLISH DIPLOMAT IGNACY ŁUKASIEWICZ HAS A PINK HOUSE NOW AND IT LOOKS RIDICULOUS! (Polish)