Why do I do this to myself?

Anyway, this is basically an idea I had for a one-shot, but then I figured this could be an easy way to deal with my random OTP urges without having to spend forever writing a chapter of But I Just Want to Tell You I Love You! and Love You Like A Love Song (cause those chapters are never under 3000 words for some reason…). But basically I take a real quote or phrase that was said by Stephen and devote a short one-shot around it. A lot will be Stephen x Jon based, but others will just be funny or whatever I feel like writing about.

So let's have fun with it! And just because the title focuses on Stephen, they won't all be quotes from Stephen. Some may be from Jon or John Oliver, any number of pundits.

Quote One: Stephen Doesn't Measure Temperature Well

That warmth you feel isn't radiation; it's me loving you back. –Stephen Colbert to his audience

Jon shivered as he stood outside of Stephen's house. He breathed out slowly, his breath showing visibly in the frozen air. The snow was piling at his feet to the point where he couldn't even see his boots anymore. His gloves and coat were thick, but there was a harsh breeze that ran along his face causing his whole body to feel like a popsicle.

Stephen wasn't here and Jon knew it. After the taping of The Daily Show, Stephen had come by to ask Jon out for dinner. He couldn't have asked at a worse time, for Jon had been having a bad day. He harshly brushed Stephen off and before he could take back what he had said, Stephen had disappeared. Immediately afterward, John had walked by and asked why Stephen had stormed out looking upset.

So here Jon was, standing pathetically outside of Stephen's house in below temperature weather hoping to apologize for being a complete asshole. But none of the lights were on, not even the porch light. So either Stephen was holed up in his room in the dark or he just wasn't here. Jon seriously hoped it wasn't the first so he just went for the latter.

But if he wasn't here, what would Jon do now? He already paid the cab driver and since it was late, he wasn't sure when the next one would roll by.

He pulled out his phone and thought about calling for another cab, but then saw the first number on his recent calls list. Stephen had tried calling him before he arrived at the Daily Show studio, but Jon had missed it.

Jon stared at the number for a minute. He was tempted to dial it, but before he got the chance he heard a familiar voice.


Jon glanced up to see Stephen staring almost incredulously at him. His eyes widened as he noticed that Stephen was wearing the same exact thing when he ran out of the studio a few hours earlier: his suit and dress shoes. The only change was a red scarf that matched his tie.

"S-Stephen!" Jon trudged through the snow to stand in front of Stephen and paused. Stephen was shaking so badly, Jon was surprised that he was completely frozen solid. "W-what are you doing? It's, like, zero degrees out here and you're wearing that? Are you insane?"

Stephen just kept staring at him with a horrified expression, like he had just been stabbed or something. Jon wasn't sure what to do, so he just instinctively grabbed Stephen's hands with his gloved ones.

"Stephen, it's way too cold out here!" Jon exclaimed. "What were you doing?"

"T-taking a w-walk…" Stephen stuttered. Jon frowned. He knew this was his fault. Stephen always took long walks when he was upset, but Jon didn't think he was actually crazy enough to walk in these temperatures without at least a coat.

"Stephen…" Jon let go of the younger man's hands and began taking off his coat. "Here," he held it out to Stephen. "I know it's probably small, but it's better than nothing."

Stephen completely ignored the coat and instead stumbled forward, wrapping his arms around Jon. Jon nearly fell backward as Stephen put most of his weight onto him, but he was able to hold the taller man up.

"S-Stephen?" Jon was confused by his actions, but he thought that maybe he was just worn out. And cold. Really fucking cold.

But then Jon felt something odd. Stephen's forehead was on his shoulder close to his neck, and it surely wasn't cold.

"Stephen, why are you so warm?" Jon asked before thinking the most logical solution. "Oh my God, Stephen, I think you've got a fever!"

"N-no," Stephen held Jon closer to him. "That warmth you feel isn't from me being sick, it's from me loving you…"

Jon's eyes widened as Stephen suddenly slumped onto him. Jon fell to his knees, Stephen falling with him. He held Stephen out to notice he had passed out.

"Nice of you to pass out after saying that," Jon sighed. "But seriously, I need to get you inside." Jon fumbled through Stephen's pockets in search of his keys and promptly carried him inside of his house.

So I may slightly change the quotes so they make a little more sense in context. And if I were to keep going with this chapter, it would be super long and that would totally defeat the purpose of writing this, lol.

And the beginning was mostly just a lead up to getting Stephen and Jon outside in the freezing cold together. Somehow.