Much sadness and victory has befallen me since last I wrote. I no longer find myself in my old world, but in the new where my love calls home. But first, allow me to explain the situation in which found me in this strange land.
Cora, mean woman that she is, used Aurora the useless' heart to lure the women to Rumpelstiltskin's old cell. The crumbling palace was a fetid, wretched place built upon a very treacherous piece of land that hovers just over perilous rocks and rough waters. Whoever thought that would be a good place to build a castle needs to be drawn and quartered! The place was deserted save for the women who treaded the dungeons below and a couple of teenagers and a dog in a big green cart called the Mystery Machine….
If I told you all that occurred from the bats chasing me to being caught in dusty cobwebs and rescuing a ditz named Daphne, this jotted epistle would last all of the summer and fall. However, smart, sexy pirate that I am I shall make this short.
Cora's plot worked wondrously! We lured the women to the unbreakable cell wherein Aurora thought she saw a spider and threw the compass at the lever for the dungeon. Once the women were locked in, we of course revealed ourselves and strutted in victoriously. And by strut, I mean strut! I have amazing hips. Anyway, we took the compass and Cora took her 5 minutes to gloat. I on the other hand attempted with all my might to turn the enchanting Emma to my side. I even wiggled my eyebrows and pouted...
Again I told her of the wondrous pirate babies, and how lovely a family we would make. I even offered cookies (for I am a baker, after a pirate) and still she refused! Stubborn, beautiful woman, ye shall be mine!
After my hopes dashed and Cora finished her incessant cackling we hurried to the place of the old lake. I was already with my boat, stuck in the dried bed of dust. Cora magicked up water for the lake, and we were prepared to leap in to the strange new world, then lo and behold the women, Missy Margaret, and her striking daughter appear! Mean Mulan was there, but I avoided her.
It was so wonderful even I had to cheer. Cora promptly jabbed her boney elbow into my ribs to silence me, but I cheered just the same. Ah, to see my love so blood thirsty, like any good pirate wife to be. Her sword work, for only a few weeks, is excellent. I, a legendary pirate who practiced everyday with my poniard was bested by a leather clad, woman who talked of strange things called 'guns' and held her sword at the wrong end.
Still, a fair challenge she was and ended up beating me. In truth, I let her, for I could not strike one as lovely as the fair haired enchantress. I had hoped she felt the same but alas she did not.
At least, in retrospect, she did not spill my guts upon the shore when she easily could have. I shall take this as a good sign. She wants me, and not in the dead way!
I lost consciousness long enough so that when I awoke, I only saw Cora trying to rip my loves heart out. My heart plummeted, but also rejoiced for surely the bitter old nag would give me the heart of my beloved! Then, despite all hopes, the heart stayed lodged in her chest like a bone stuck in the gullet! True I was happy, but also sad I could not have her heart. Do not mistake me, I would have given it back, but only when I was certain we were in the middle of the ocean with no one else but us with an entire world to repopulate.
After the shocking moment, Cora was promptly defeated and the pair of mother and daughter disappeared in the water vortex. As I awoke fully, so did Cora. So angry was she, she took my dried bean souvenir from the giant and tossed it in the lake. The water began to froth and roil and I leap aboard my ship and suddenly we are in the bay of Storybrooke!
The joureny itself was a bit hazy. I remember seeing a witch of a broom and a strange house twirling through the air. However, at the end of our journey, we found ourself in a vast body of water with mist laden land before us!
Storybrooke is a very strange place. All about me, the boats looked so bizarre. Where are the wood and the sails? Buildings erected of steel and not hovels of mud line the streets and shoreline. Bright blinking lights are all about blocking out the stars.
When we landed on shore, I immediately knew our first trouble. By staring at posters of scantily clad women plastered on building sides and women who got into rumbling black carriages, we would stick out like…like a pirate and a witch in a world where it is the normal thing to bathe every day and wear shoes not made of linen sacks or wood.
Cora seemed to recognize our plight as well and we industriously sought to seek a place where we would 'fit in' without too much notice. After hours of milling the near deserted streets we broke into a store that displayed beheaded, stuffed women in their front windows. When that proved a difficult place to gain new regalia (mostly because they had nothing for me) we found the grand bazaar of Storybrooke, a place where even in the middle of the night, the torches flickered. It was called: Wal-Mart.
And I love it.
We entered the brashly lit shop as pirate and sorceress, we left looking as regular citizens of this vast new world. Cora sported an all pink garb known as a 'track suit'. Her new 'tennis shoes' were pink and she even had a head band to complete the set! In favor of a wand, she now hefted two pink weights in either hand.
I donned a large 'I love Storybrooke' tunic and things called 'shorts' that displayed my gangly, hairy legs. On my feet were things called 'socks' that I stylishly added to things called blue strapped things called 'flip-flops'. I completed my veiled wear with a pair of stunning dark pieces of glass that went over my eyes.
Our disguises complete we looked as natives of the new, barbarous land where roaring devils race down the road and boxes capture little people and force them into entertainment.
Tired, Cora summoned us back to the veiled Jolly Roger, were I now finish this log and prepare for a new day to win my love, and kill my enemy. I can't wait to see was the morrow brings!
Killian, sexy beast, Jones,
P.S. Cora is out doing something called 'jogging'.