Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight.
A/N: This is not beta'd and I'm too lazy to go over the work myself, so I know there are lots of mistakes but please excuse them.
Also, sorry about not updating anything in a while. If anyone cares why, I didn't update because I was having eye issues. Meaning, I couldn't that well, after about 10 minutes of looking at any computer screen everything blurred up and my eyes starting hurting like crazy. It's all fixed now though, so hopefully I'll be able to update like normal… unless my eyes start acting up again.
The whole affair seemed to pass fairly quickly, for me at least. I was practically on auto-pilot the whole time. Rosalie and Esme picked me up as I was told yesterday and they made sure I had eaten and was actually ready for the funeral. I didn't think it was going to be that big of a deal until we actually parked.
We met up with the rest of the Cullens there and they all practically circled me, which made it impossible for people to try and talk to me. There were a lot of people there that I had actually recognized from the few times Charlie allowed me to interact with his guests. He normally only let me hang out with Jacob, his best friend Billy's kid, and that's it. Sometimes though, his friends wanted to meet his daughter, so I had to interact with them. I didn't remember most of their names, but that didn't matter because I doubt I'll talk with them again. I almost felt bad about playing a bad hostess, but as Edward whispered to me, I'm technically the grieving daughter and I shouldn't have to talk to anyone if I didn't want to.
The service itself was also shorter than I had thought it was going to be. Rosalie directed me to sit in the second row, behind Alice and Jasper, Rosalie sat in the isle seat next to me and Esme on my other side. Emmett, Edward and Carlisle sat behind me. The seating arrangement also had me circled by the Cullen family to again make sure that even during the services no one would have a chance to talk to me. After the services, we went straight to Charlie's plot where I saw them lower him into the ground. That's when it hit me.
From that point on I became a bit catatonic. I don't remember how, but someone I ended up in Rosalie's car after the services and I vaguely recognized that she was driving me to her house. I was so lost in my thoughts that I didn't really notice Esme opening my door and helping me out of the car. It wasn't until we walked past the front door that I finally broke down. It was almost like everything that had happened recently and even to some extent what had happened while Charlie was alive, just got to me and I couldn't handle it anymore.
I desperately held onto Esme as I cried like I've never cried before. I had always done such a good job of not crying over the years because it made Charlie mad. I was always able to avoid crying and I had always relied on my ability to not cry. I guess seeing Charlie buried just made me really, like really, realized that I am alone now and that I don't have to worry about ever making Charlie happy again. I don't have to worry about upsetting him and being reminded how to do things his way again.
Esme rubbed my back gently and cooed comforting things into my ear as we sat on the couch while I cried. I hadn't realized that she had maneuvered us to the couch, but she had. I practically curled myself into Esme as I sat on her lap. I had never wanted to break down like this because I had always done so well with not letting my emotions take control of me. I always had a tight leash on my emotions. I couldn't afford to let them loose around Charlie, but Charlie isn't around anymore. He isn't here anymore to help me block my emotions.
I gripped onto Esme harder as I cried, she seemed to be the anchor in the whirlwind of emotions I'm feeling. I shouldn't feel this way, but I'm happy that Charlie is gone. I shouldn't feel that way because he's my father. I should love him and I should be devastated that he's gone but I can't bring myself to really feel that way and that hurts me. Not feeling bad about Charlie's bad makes me feel like I'm a bad daughter and that's something that I had always tried not to be. I had always tried to be the best daughter for Charlie so that maybe one day he would come to love me. Yet, now that he's gone, I don't feel bad and I feel horrible about that.
After all that I've been put through because of Charlie, I shouldn't cry for him. I should cry because I've just lost the only family I've ever known, he was the last person that I had to rely on. Perhaps instead of crying of losing Charlie, I'm crying over losing everything that made up my family. I lost my family in just a few seconds and because he didn't wear a seatbelt. Even though my family wasn't the best, probably closer to one of the worst, I lost it.
I don't know how long it took for me to finally stop crying but when I did, Esme kept me in her arms, kept gently rubbing my back and only stopped cooing words to me. It was when I stopped even sniffling after I had finished crying that I realized that there was a third hand on my shoulder, almost massaging it. I instantly knew it was Rosalie behind me, silently offering me her support.
Now embarrassed about my break down in front of the Cullen family, I slowly and shyly pulled myself away from Esme and pulled back my hands. I couldn't move that far away from her because of Rosalie that was still behind me, so I was left with sitting just barely in the middle and just barely not sitting on either of their laps.
"How are you feeling?" Esme gently asked as she cupped my face with her hand.
"I'm sorry about that, I didn't mean to." I apologized quickly for my break down, ignoring her question.
"That's okay Bella; it was long overdue I think." Rosalie answered from behind me.
"I, um, I think I should probably go home now." I said, not really sure of what else to say and not really wanting to stay here after I just embarrassed myself because of my breakdown.
I saw Esme's face fall slightly, but she kept a gentle smile on her face.
"If you don't mind, I know today has been hard on you, but please let us at least give you something to eat and then I promise either Rose and or myself will take you back." Esme said with a hopeful expression.
I really wanted to decline, I really did. The look in her eyes though, I couldn't help but second guess my decision. I liked being around both Rosalie and Esme, they both made me feel… well, happy. In my life I had never really felt happy about anything, at least from what I can remember and now that I feel it, I don't want to give it up.
At the same time though, I don't want to be a bother to them. I know they've told me numerous times that they don't mind having me here but I can't help but feel rude about spending a lot of my time here. I don't know if it's because of how Charlie had basically made it impossible for me to have any friends, not that people at school would even want to talk me anyways, but I didn't think people spend this much time away from their house at someone else's house. I didn't want to over stay my welcome.
"I guess." I answered hesitantly. I knew for a fact that at least Rosalie would say something if they really didn't want me around. She is definitely someone that doesn't have a problem speaking their mind. So I guess if she's okay with me staying, then it shouldn't be a problem.
"Wonderful." Esme said, her eyes brightening just slightly at her happiness. I've never taken much time to appreciate their unique eye color. I often find myself lost when I look into Rosalie's or Esme's eyes and then I tend to forget everything around me. Something that I've never really paid much attention to is that their eyes change colors sometimes.
Their eyes don't make drastic changes like from the golden color to something say like red, but I've noticed sometimes the golden hue on sometimes is bright and other days the color seems almost dulled down, like it's been mixed with black. I would ask them about it, but I don't want to offend them if their eyes only change like because of lighting or something. Plus, it really isn't any of my business as to why their eyes change colors like that, I'm sure it's nothing.
Esme gave me a tight hug before she lifted herself off the couch and made her way to the kitchen. When Esme had first started cooking for me I had felt nervous about letting someone else do that but now that Esme has cooked several meals for me, I find myself looking forward to eating it. She's such an amazing cook and she always makes plenty, probably because she's used to cooking for her large family and so I'm always full after I eat here. It's different from what I'm used to. I'm a little afraid to get used to it because I know it won't last.
"Would you two mind if I put on a movie?" Edward asked as he walked down the stairs. I looked to Rosalie to see what answer she was going to give but instead of hearing her answer, I saw her looking at me expectantly.
"I don't care what he does, but do you mind?" Rosalie asked me. At my confused look she continued talking at a lower volume so that only I could hear her. "I would like to say that we are friends now Bella. You may not realize it, but when you're here, you're basically one of us. We were in the living room first, so Edward wants to make sure it's okay with both of us to put on a movie in here. I don't care, so it's your choice, if you don't want to, that's fine, if you do, that's fine also." Rosalie said in a gentle voice.
I automatically wanted to just tell Edward that he can watch a movie because well, this is his house not mine. But, paying attention to what Rosalie had said, I actually took a second to think about. I've never had the option of whether or not I wanted to watch a movie or not. Charlie always had control of what was happening in the living room and I just mostly stayed in my room.
I've also never been to anyone's house before, so I don't know the rules that I need to follow, that Charlie would want me to do. But Charlie isn't here; I don't have to follow his rules anymore. That will take some getting used to, I'm too used to having his rules to give my life structure and to know what I am supposed to do and not supposed to do.
"I um, if you want to, then that's fine." I told Edward. At least with this answer, I know Edward will be okay with it because he gets what he wanted and now he won't be mad at me for saying no to him in his own house. Also, I actually wouldn't mind him putting something on, it's not like I'm watching anything and this saves me from having any sort of awkward conversation with Rosalie since both her and Esme seem to like to ask a lot of questions about me. I'm not used to people asking about my life. Charlie always said that was a bad thing, but with these two asking, I don't really mind.
"Thank you Bella." Edward said while giving me his normal charming smile.
I smiled briefly back at him, just because I thought it was polite to do so, but the moment I did, I regretted it. Not because of me actually to smiling to him, something that's still new to me and that I only really do around the Cullen's, but because of what I thought I heard when I did. I could have sworn I heard a low rumbling of some sort from next to me… from Rosalie. It sounded like she growled at me, but humans don't growl. I couldn't help but send her a quick glance at her when I heard the sound, but she was only giving Edward an annoyed look; which really isn't new.
Edward chuckled slightly, I was just barely able to hear it, and continued to put something on. Rosalie rolled her eyes and leaned further back into the couch and then did something I wasn't expecting.
I've sat with both Rosalie and Esme on the couch before and they've both seemed to have developed a habit of sitting as close to me as possible without either of us sitting on anyone. It had taken me a while to get used to them doing that. The first few times they had done that I had sat so stiff next to them but just recently I had finally gotten used to them sitting so close to me. This time though, Rosalie decided to take it up a notch and I don't know if I like it or not.
As Rosalie relaxed into the couch she put one hand onto the arm rest next to her, leaning into the corner of the couch. Her other hand is what concerned me. Almost like she had done it a thousand times and didn't think anything of it, she wrapped her other arm around my waist and gentle pulled me into so that as she leaned against the corner of the couch, she made me lean into her. I instantly tensed at being pulled into her.
I had gotten used to both Rosalie and Esme being affectionate people, for some reason they just always liked to be close to me and give me hugs and stuff. I actually had thought Alice would be the more affectionate friend of the Cullen's because she has such a bubbly personality, but instead it was Rosalie and Esme getting the closest to me. I've never really been one for the whole affectionate thing and then add to that everything Charlie has told me about people getting close to me, it just makes me nervous. On some level, I'm almost waiting for either Rosalie or Esme to hurt me since that's all I'm used to from Charlie.
Even though I tensed right away when Rosalie grabbed me, I didn't try to move away, at least right away. I think I was so surprised that that she had actually done that, that I was basically shocked into not moving. When I was almost 100% leaning against Rosalie though, that was when I finally unfroze and started to move away from. Almost like she sensed what I was about to do, I had just barely started to try and move away from her, she started speaking. I don't know why, but the combination of the way she smells, which is amazing by the way, and hearing her voice, helped calm me. I don't know why that is, but it does.
"Edward, why don't you put on a comedy; I'm sure after today, something to laugh at will be appreciated by everyone." Rosalie said as she slipped her arm further around me so that the palm of her hand was now on my stomach. She arm seemed to act almost like a seat belt, in that her arm was keeping me close to her.
"Sure Rose, any suggestions?" Edward asked as he looked through his options.
Instead relaxing into Rosalie, which a part of me thinks that is what she wanted. I finally gathered my wits and moved away from her. I felt bad about moving away from, I don't know why and I'll probably think more about when I'm alone, so I decided to go into the kitchen to see what Esme was doing. I hope this way Rosalie won't think that I was afraid to be next to her like she clearly wanted. For some reason, hurting Rosalie's feelings is not something that I want to do.
"I'm going to see what Esme is cooking." I mumbled out as I moved away from Rosalie. I saw a brief look of disappointment cross her face, but it was gone when I told her where I was going.
"Okay, feel free to come back if you want to watch whatever it is that Edward decides to put on." Rosalie said with a small smile.
I gave her a small smile back, just barely bigger than the one I had given to Edward and left to go to the kitchen. I felt that it was necessary to give her a bigger smile that I had given Edward to reassure her. I don't know at all what I felt I needed to reassure her about or even why, but I did so I gave her the smile. Plus, it's just a smile, nothing to exciting.
I found Esme putting food down on a plate; it was some sort of pasta dish. She had already cleaned up most of what she had used to cook for me, which is something I had never managed to figure out how to do. Cleaning as I cooked just seemed like too much of a hassle when I was trying to cook something as fast as possible for Charlie.
"Where's your plate?" I asked as Esme guided me to sit down in front of the plate of food. I wasted no time in starting to eat since Esme had always told me to just eat and not worry about looking rude because I wasn't.
"I'm not hungry right now dear, I'll probably eat later." Esme said as she sat down across from me.
I never put much thought into it before, but I always seemed to eat alone around the Cullen's. There were a few rare times that they ate with me, but for the most part they never ate with me. I never really put too much thought into it and I never really was concerned about not really seeing them eat, it's not really my place. They look healthy and obviously they have to eat because they always have food on hand to make for me whenever I'm here, even when I didn't want anything to eat. I wanted to at least have Esme eat with me so that I wasn't eating alone, but I can't force her to eat if she doesn't want to.
"Are you sure? We've been busy all morning." I said nervously. I didn't want to contradict what she said, I was taught that I shouldn't do that, that I shouldn't argue with people. But, Esme not eating, well, it just didn't sit right with me. I actually was worried about her.
"I'm sure, though, I do appreciate that you care." Esme said with a smile. "I will most likely eat later, I'm just not hungry at the moment."
I only nodded my head in acceptance of her answer. I already pushed a lot more than I would normally, I don't want to push anymore and seem rude. She seems healthy enough to me anyways, so I'm sure she's just fine and that I'm probably over-reacting for nothing.
"Okay, this is really good, by the way. You should probably eat some of this later." I commented, almost like I was looking for reassurance that she was actually going to eat later.
"I might just do that if one of the boys don't get to it first." Esme said, the smile not once wavering from her face. I don't think I've ever seen someone smile as much as Esme has. She always seems to have a smile on her face, at least when I'm around she does, so I wouldn't be surprised if she did when I wasn't around her. "I'll take that dear; I still have a couple of dishes to clean anyways." Esme said as I started to stand with my now finished dish. "Why don't you go finish watching the movie the kids have on in the living room and I'll join you in a moment. Then we can take you to your house?" Esme said as she walked towards the sink with my plate.
"Sure, I guess, thank you again Esme for cooking for me." I said just before I started to make my way towards the living room where the others apparently all where.
Sure enough, everyone but Esme and Carlisle were there watching some movie that I didn't recognize. Without giving much thought about the seating arrangements, or even really realizing that there really was only one spot left for me, I immediately made my way towards Rosalie to sit next to her.
Rosalie opened her arms for me to sit next to her. I sat down closer to her, closer than I ever have before on my own, and her arm wrapped itself around my shoulder and pulled me into her. She actually had me snuggle into her, that's something that I've done before. I've never had anyone to do that with. I had never thought that snuggling up to someone could feel nice. Granted for about a minute or two when Rosalie first pulled me into her, I froze and it took a lot of willpower to calm down since it was just Rosalie next to me not Charlie, I liked cuddling up to her. I might even try this again sometime in the future; if Rosalie doesn't mind of course. This could just be a onetime thing.
Once I was fully relaxed into Rosalie, my limits were pushed once again. My limits were never pushed to the point to where it would hurt or break me, but both Esme and Rosalie seemed to like to push my limits and then push again when I finally get comfortable with whatever it was they pushed in the first place. Esme placed herself down on the couch right next to me and didn't have a problem cuddling into me.
I'll have to admit that at first I did feel slightly panicked; I was actually just about to bolt from my place in between the two women. Before I had the chance to leave though, Edward made a comment that made me pause.
"You three look cute, mind if I take a picture?" Edward asked the three of us.
I don't know why, but the fact that obviously Edward didn't mind the three of us being cuddled up and no one else seemed to mind either, it seemed to help me relax. I felt a calmness seep through me that allowed me to clear my mind and realize that even though I'm sort of boxed in, I'm not really trapped.
Neither Rosalie or Esme would hurt me. I know I haven't known them that long, but I just know that they will never hurt me. I have nothing to actually prove that, but a part of me knows that. I had never really had my picture taken, outside of school photo's, so I wasn't really thrilled of having my picture taken now. But the moment I heard Esme and Rosalie say yes, I had to agree. Even from the short answer they gave, I could tell that they really wanted to picture to be taken, they were excited about. So I did agree, but reluctantly.
Not long after the picture was taken, with a promise from Alice that she would make sure I get a copy of it, we were all immersed once again in the movie. This time though, I wasn't so nervous about being stuck between Esme and Rosalie, I found that I didn't mind so much. If I was being truthful, I would even dare to say that it was really comfortable being in between them.
I don't know how long it took, but soon enough, since I was much more comfortable than I had been in a while, I fell asleep. I'm sure I would hate myself for it when I woke up, but leaning against Rosalie with Esme leaning against me it was inevitable that I fell asleep there.
A/N: So, I'm sorry that it's taken me so long to update. In case anyone cares to know the reason, I couldn't update because I had eye issues, basically I couldn't see what was on my computer no matter how large I put the print. It's all fixed now, so I should be able to update a lot more frequently.