A/N – so this little number is just a twist to the New Moon version and how I feel it should have been. I hope you enjoy it.
I stare at you through the dense timbers of the forest, my presence unknown yet I'm sure if your hearing was acute you could hear the beating of my erratic heart as if your head were pressed firmly against my chest. I feel weak even in my outrageously large wolf form. I watch you curl into a ball of despair and pain, the needles of deceit and heartbreak puncturing your once love filled heart and I feel helpless to stop the spiral of depression that is soon to follow.
I know you believe this to be a lie, to deny that someone who claims to love you whole heartedly could just leave you to the dangers that are soon to follow his departure but I see this as an act of mercy, a way for you to see past his cloud of untruths and into the light that is true happiness. I know I can show you the way, guide your soul from the death it seeks and open your eyes to the power of true, unconditional love. I know I can successfully provide this because my heart tells me, my ancestors have decreed it and my soul longs for it to be true.
A soft growl unwillingly exits my lips and permeates the air around you and yet even with its sorrowful echo you do not hear me, your mind lost in a sea of hopelessness, clinging to the hope that this is merely a figment of your imagination and nothing more but I know better. I see this moment as my opportunity to help you, force you to see the natural choice, the only choice as bestowed upon me by God and my kin. You fight this invisible string that wraps around our souls, that makes you the better part of me but I do not. I embrace my fate because in some strange way I always knew you would be the other part of me. I knew it the day we made mud pieces and the day you returned to my life and the place you once called home.
My enlarged paw takes a step forward, my body shaking with an eagerness to bestow the good news in the hopes it might free you from your misery and give you strength but my mind impedes on my rash actions, reminding me now is not the time. I snarl at myself defiant in my minds insistence to keep distance. I know I can help. I know through my love and desperation I can make you see this is a passing phase and nothing more but alas, mind and body aren't in agreement and I remain frozen in place, denied my longing and destined to suffer alongside you.
"Why?" you whisper, your voice faint and weak while your body begins to tremble violently from the bitterness of deceit and the realization that your future has become vacant to your foresight.
It's a travesty to witness this degree of desperation, this longing for an answer that has clearly been given yet remains unaccepted. I can't comprehend how you continue to desire the warm of a person who has no soul, no right to covet such a beauty and wonderment as you and yet you cry out to him as if he is something pine after as a means to sustain life. No one, not even I am worth that much effort. Love should be as easy as breathing and not something you feel you have to give your life for in order to achieve or ascertain. Your misinterpretation infuriates me and although I long to comfort you, provide you a reason to continue on I know that no matter how hard I try, you will discredit my truths and provide me with all the reasons why he is the right choice.
I turn away, unable to come to terms with the potential that my love will not be received or appreciated. My heart burns to love you, my soul cries out to you for companionship but my mind, that evil cluster of tissue within a hard shell denies I will ever receive what is rightfully mine.
Reluctantly my paw takes another step, my heart maintaining its painful rapid beat within my chest, my breathing erratic and my mind telling me one thing while my body continues to do another. The pain of denying my love, of turning my back on you becomes unbearable. Each step I take puts more distance between you and I and causes my heart to pulsate with anguish, an affliction I know can be satisfied if only my mind and body would be in agreement.
Before I can silence my doubts, I hear my name escape your lips, your plea soft and barely audible to the human ear and yet I hear it. "Jake…please…help me."
As much as I knew that your request was from desperation and in no way a sign of mutual affection I couldn't deny you. I never could. I will my wolf to his cage knowing the sheer magnitude and associated fear in general might cause you more harm than comfort. In our time apart I learned this skill from Sam, the first to change and the only other one of my kind as of yet. I pulled my shorts on and walked cautious to you, my heart still maintaining its fierce rhythm while my body still trembled as the after effects of the shift wore off.
I knelt beside you, scooped your frail body into my arms and reveled in the warmth of your touch upon my skin. In your delusional state, your vacant stare veers up at me but I don't return the gesture. I don't need to see you to feel your pain, understand your anguish and reflect the feelings with a glance of my own. Your pain is mine just as your joy will be once it returns. My goal, my reason for breathing, is to make you whole again, to see you smile with a radiance that will outshine the sun. This is the vow I make to you in silence and with my tight hold on your body it's a vow I promise to fulfill.
Your mumbled disclosures as I carry you through the forest towards home are like a flame to my skin, each plea for forgiveness, demand for explanation and apology is excruciating to endure. My heart is relieved once we reach the clearing, our fathers and respective police officers anxious to receive you and offer you shelter without thought. I relinquish my hold knowing that with your family at the very least you would be safe. My eyes shift from your thankful father's to my own, his return glance mirroring the pain he knows I feel from this action but in some strange way it provides me comfort for the time being.
I return with him to our small house, my mind reliving the brief moments of silence we shared, the painful realization that our moment would be our last for a long time and the understanding that with this small connection our fate was sealed. I knew the road ahead would be a trying one, one that would test my devotion, love and resolve but I was ready to face this tired road, ready to stand and fight for you because that is what one does for the woman he loves and there was no denying I was in love with you.
Two months later…
I stare up at your window, a familiar sight for the past several months, the outline of your hollow existence shadowing in an empty outline behind the closed white curtains of your room. I feel your depression, understand your confusion and long to silence all your wants and desires if only you would let me. I stand at your window not as a protector, friend or wolf but as a human being who desires the warmth of your love and desperately wants to pull you from your faded existence and welcome you into a new world, a world filled with no regrets, demands or desires of grandeur but of purity, honest and the joy of knowing you are loved for who you are.
I've made attempts to show you such greatness but up until now my appearances, calls and notes have been unanswered. As much as I hold fate of our silent union it is hard to remain strong when you have become a shadow of your former self and rather seek comfort in your loss and the hope of his return rather than the joy that stands right outside your window. I know it is selfish to want you, to need you like I do but it is hard to stand by knowing I can be all you need and yet you still deny such happiness can be attained. The rage and anger I feel each time you refuse to wake yourself out of this depression induced coma has become all consuming.
I stand here now, trembling, burning with a desire to climb the tree that resides beside your window, break the glass that shields you from me and shake the sorrow from your debilitated body. No good can come of this continued existence and the longer you reside in an abyss of nothingness the more I continue to loss the strength to wait for you to wake up.
My anger and disgust get the best of me tonight, my mind and body finally in agreement that if you won't free yourself than I will. I charge your front lawn; force all my strength into my lower body and glide with ease up the siding of your home and land perfectly into the center between two limbs of the tree right outside your window.
Through the slit in your curtains I can see you have finally managed to sleep, something long overdue and probably not without the help of a prescription. Although you refuse to speak to me, I have eyes and ears within your home, your father and mine still confiding in one another when it comes to our well-being and my father in particular, a man never able to keep a secret other than the one sworn by our tribe, relays your deterioration to me as if I am unaware of such things. I'm thankful for his openness but on some level bothered all the same. It would seem even your father can't pull you from your agony and that is why tonight, my vow will be fulfilled and your heart will be free of anguish and return to its healthy rhythm alongside mine.
I reach forward and pry the window open; the creaking of the weathered wood disrupts my stealthy entrance but never hinders your sleep as you remain settled beneath the warmth of your comforter. My feet plant firmly against your floor and still you remain undisrupted from my intrusion. Quietly I want over to the side of the bed and hover over you, the sight before me so sad yet beneath that shadow of sadness I see the love that once resided, a love forsaken and a flame snuffed by the cold breeze of denial.
The longing within me to ignite that flame burned deep within my chest, my strong physique failing to withstand my weight as I fell to my knees beside your bed. My head falls to your bedside, the weight of my decision consuming all thought and pounding so strongly I can feel the echo of my thoughts screaming out my ears like a trumpet in a marching band.
I force myself to look up at you while my hand slowly reaching out to your lingering one above the sheets and gently holding it within the palm of my hand. I watch as your lips part, my heart beating erratically in my chest with hope that the warmth of my simple embrace would be enough to comfort you in this time of need. "Edward…" you whisper and like a needle to an inflated ballon my heart bursts, the suppressed rage and anger consuming me whole and forcing my hand from yours.
The frustration is overwhelming, my body pulsating, trembling with anger, the wolf clawing and scratching his way from deep within screaming his need to be free. I close my eyes, look away and focus on energy enough to silence him and the anger that festers inside. No good would come from my anger and a part of me knew it was childish to think my name would be the only that would fall from your lips, at least not yet.
I return my hand to yours and shift my body upward so my lips were just inches from your exposed ear. I knew it cowardly to expose my heart and soul to you while you slept knowing it might be easily dismissed as a dream or better yet nothing at all however I couldn't fight the urge to expose my feelings and show you there was something to live for.
I whisper my devotion, the love I felt as a child that now burns deeply within me as a young adult. I spoke of how I could make you happy, provide you the love you deserve and the comfort you need to be whole again. I begged you to let me be the man to keep you warm, wipe your tears and bring joy back into your life. I didn't expect a response but hoped that on some level my words would seep into that dark place known as your subconscious so that when you woke, my words, my vow to you would replace the whole in your heart and offer you reprieve which you so rightfully deserved.
You offer no words only a slight crunching of your eyes and shift in your position. I'm not sure if you understand my confession, acknowledge or accept it but take comfort that the weight of my disclosure has lifted from my heart and soul and has been imparted to you to do with it as you see fit.
I take one lingering glance at you, kiss your forehead and leave you to sleep. There is nothing more I can do but hope that my words haven't fallen on deaf ears and that some part of you has heard my confession. It seems cowardly to confess such passion things while you remain asleep but at least I know on some level you will listen without argument and knowing that gives me faith that at the very least you know your options.
I exit your room the same way I came and find refuge in the forest. I run for what seems like hours until my body is exhausted and I fall to my knees at the entrance to the beach. My mind continues to races with the potential outcomes of my reveal and with each outcome a sad revelation follows. I thrash and scream upon the cold sand of First beach for my cowardess confession and my lack of refrain.
These words, these endearing and sensitive words should not be given as freely as they were. I should have waited until you were awake so you could see the intensity of their meaning through my facial expression, my touch or even the way the truth of them brought me to my knees before you. This was the way it was supposed to be and yet here I stand shattered by my own actions and left to wait on a game of chance for the outcome of my destiny.
The vibration of your footsteps, the way your breath exits in a sigh to the way your soft lilac fragranced perfume burns my nostrils all alert me to your presence. I fear you yet I burn with a desire to know, to know if you will let me be the one to mend your broken heart. Reluctantly I glance over my shoulder and my eyes confirm what my keen senses allude to. I try to be casual; turning my eyes back towards the rough waters of the sea hoping you will not shy away but rather engage me as to the meaning of your visit.
"Jake" you call out to me, your voice still raspy and weak and yet still capable of lassoing my heart and pulling at it as if you could ripe it from my chest and walk away.
I rise from my knees and remain facing the ocean, my body itching to turn and face you while my mind forces me to remain strong until you confess.
"I'm sorry I've been kind of out of it for a while. It's strange…I had this dream and although I couldn't see you in the darkness I heard you. You were calling to me…I think on some level trying to save me from myself."
You words were like ice to a fresh cut, a mixture of relief and calm releases from within my chest, the fear and angst behind not knowing if I was heard let alone understood and accepted washing away with your confession. However as glorious as your words were there was still one lingering question left to be answered.
"How did you know…" my voice trailing into silence as I ponder if I really want to know the answer to such a question.
"I've always known it was you Jake. I guess a part of me wanted to believe I could have that fairytale life with Edward but when he left me here…alone…broken beyond all recognition, it became clear to me that it was a sign that I had chosen wrong. It was you who saved me, brought me home and offered me comfort with no consequence and no strings attached. It's always been you…" your voice echoing into the open air as the weight of your steps in the sand as you make your way towards me causes me to turn and face you for the first time in a different light.
With pleading eyes I question your words, unsure of their validity and fearful they are just that, words to be said with no meaning, no power other than to trick me into giving you my heart so you can do with it what you will. I have to know they are more than just empty promises, more than just things to say because you feel badly. "Then why? Why did you push me aside, refuse to see me, not allow me to be there for you like I had been countless times before?"
Your hand rises from you side and reaches for mine. I want to pull away but my heart gives into your gesture as if I held no malice towards you. I hated what you had become as a result of his life saving choice however no matter how hard I tried, my heart knew where it belonged and all you had to do was claim it.
"I had to experience the pain so I could rise above it and embrace the love you stood to offer. I knew you loved me, cared for me like no other but I didn't want to give into that love, let you be the one to hold my heart until I could give that in return. I was in no state to love anyone. The one who claimed to hold my heart left me to the dangers of the world alone. I wasn't sure I was capable of giving that same love again but you…my Jacob never left me. You were there with me the whole time and no matter how much I avoided you, you were always there, lurking in the shadows waiting for me like I always knew you would. I want you to be the one to show me the world through your eyes."
Your words seemed too good to be true and although they were still very hollow in nature I had to concede to the fact that everyone deserved a second chance, a chance to live, love and attain happiness. I could sit here and continue to interrogate you, expose your flaws and point out your inadequacies but what good would that serve. The truth of the matter was no matter what, you were the other piece of my heart, the love of my life and the imprint on my soul. It didn't matter what came before our love or what would after; all that mattered was that you finally let me in and you chose me to be the one to repair your heart.
There was a long journey ahead of us, one of discovery, affirmation and hopefully unconditional love. It was up to me now to permanently seal our fate and be the one to make my imprint on your heart.