AWoC ch21

A/n: I had a feeling not to many of you would be surprised by the revelations from last chapter. But, I'm glad that it helped a few things click for some of you.

SIDENOTE: I am not bi-polar but I have plenty of experience with persons that are. My ex-husband was and I have an abundance of people in my personal and professional life that are. So, it's naturally something that I've dealt with on a very personal level. For anyone that feels that I've portrayed it inaccurately, I'm stating that I HAVE done medical research, I have used personal experiences and I have consulted with a Psychologist for my accuracy in portraying this particular character.

AND, please don't forget that ALL is not always what it seems.

Thanks and love to my team: A Jasper for Me, Eternally Edward's girl, Grnidgirl and Cutestkidsmom.

Now…off to read….


I couldn't believe what he'd just said. It completely terrified me because, to be honest, I didn't really know what exactly that meant.

"Are you going to die?" I asked, finally able to catch my breath and speak.

He gave me this tiny little smirk of a smile and wiped his tears with his hands. He'd pulled away from me and reached for something in his bag. I saw him pull out a pack of cigarettes with a lighter and offered me one. I grabbed one and waited for him to light it.

"We're all going to die, Caterpillar," he said sarcastically. And, just like that, our moment had ended and we'd entered a new mood.

I wanted that moment back. He was soft, broken and completely real with me. But, his demeanor had changed and the cocky asshole was back in place.

I steeled myself for the repercussions of what had just happened between us. He'd opened up and trusted me. He'd get mad at me because of that, if the past was an example I could rely on.

We sat there, in the dark, the moon shining around us and I thought about the story he'd just told me. The accident sounded horrendous and I couldn't believe they all actually survived.

"What happened to the babies?" I finally asked, my curiosity getting the best of me.

He glared at me and took a long drag off his cigarette.

"They died," he spoke through gritted teeth, looking away from me.

I couldn't help the whimper that came from my mouth and the tears that welled up in my eyes.

"Oh Edward, I'm so sorry," I said through my tears.

"Don't be sorry for me, it was my mother that never recovered. She died that day and hasn't stopped hating me since it happened." He still wouldn't look at me while he spoke.

"What?" I rasped out.

"Caterpillar, don't you get it? All of it was my fucking fault," his raised voice and his eyes burning into me all of the sudden startled me and I dropped my lit cigarette.

His foot came down and stomped it out quickly.

"Don't," he paused and looked down at his feet. "Don't give me your pity."

How could I not, I thought to myself.

"It was an accident," I spoke, hoping I could help him understand he truly wasn't to blame.

"Yes, it was an accident, but one I caused. My entire family blames me for it." He spoke and my heart broke for him.

I thought for a minute, something wasn't adding up for me.

"What does you being bipolar have to do with the accident?" I wiped my tears and tried to make him look up at me.

He scoffed, "Everything."

"I don't understand, I don't know anything about bipolar disorder, Edward. You'll have to help me out." I felt stupid admitting that to him.

His shoulders sagged and I saw another tear roll down his face.

I reached up to wipe it away, but he caught my hand, "It burns when you touch me."

I was stunned, once again.

"I burn you?" I questioned, unsure. I mean I felt a tingle when we touched but I just thought that was because of the attraction between us.

He grimaced.

"Maybe burn isn't the right word. It's just the warmth from your skin. I'm not used to it." His confession gave me an ounce of hope and I let out a little breath I hadn't realized I'd been holding.

"You don't like warmth?" I thought I might push him a little see what I could get out of him.

"I'm not used to it. Caterpillar, I'm not exactly a bundle of loving kindness if you hadn't noticed. I don't allow anyone to touch me." Again, his words ripped through my splintering heart.

"I touch you," I stated.

Our eyes locked.

"I like touching you," I tried again.

His voice was so low, it wasn't even a whisper when he replied, "I like your touch."

I pushed his knees down and pulled his legs out in front of him before I crawled over and straddled him, resting my ass on his thighs.

"Look at me, Edward." I said and tried to bring his chin up.

He finally stopped struggling and looked up at me, his green eyes shone back at my brown ones filled with infinite sadness.

"Let me show you warmth," I said and leaned into him, placing my lips against his.

I slid my hands up his chest and worked to deepen the kiss. He moaned a little but then it turned into a whimper as his lips relaxed against mine.

It only took a few seconds before he had his arms wrapped completely around me, clinging to me as if he were afraid I'd disappear.

I wrapped mine around his neck and held him to me while we kissed harder, faster, out of control.

It was one of those moments that felt like there wasn't enough air to sustain us as our lungs fought to replenish our supply of oxygen.

"Bella," he whimpered against my neck as we broke apart panting and then he buried his face into the crook.

I held the back of his head with one hand and rubbed soothing circles on his back with the other.

"Shhh, shhh, I've got you. Baby, I've got you." I said in his ear as he broke down, sobbing loud and hard against me.

I knew he'd been hurt, abandoned, left broken and bruised by the people in his life that should have embraced him and loved him beyond measure.

How the fuck could he think, after all this time, any of this was his fault?

Hadn't they got him help? Didn't he see a doctor for his illness? Wasn't someone watching out for him?

I was angry at his mother and father. How could they have just let him drift through life feeling this deep-seated pain? Didn't they care? Didn't they love their son?

His grip on me tightened and then he kissed my neck, his tongue coming out to lick the skin and I fought a shiver.

All of the sudden, Edward was like a man on fire. His hands were everywhere, while his tongue and lips explored every ounce of my skin they could reach.

Fuck, it felt good.

I was on fire for him too. Scorching actually.

But, I knew this wouldn't solve anything and as much as I hated it, I pulled away.

"Edward, stop," I said, panting as he growled and tried to pull me back towards him.

"Edward," I said, and stretched my arms out in full length to try and make him stop.

"Why?" He scoffed and glared at me.

I sighed and scooted closer to him again, playing with the hair at the nape of his neck.

"You and I both know now isn't the right time for that." I said, sadly.

"Now is exactly the right time, Caterpillar," he retorted, almost angrily.

I sighed again, biting my lip and watching him as he watched me. He finally slumped a little, his hands resting on my lower back, just above my ass.

"Edward, help me understand. I want to know why you are the way you are. I have a little experience with things like this, I think." I suddenly regretted that because it meant I was going to have to tell him about Renee.

"I'm going to break you, Caterpillar. I made you promise you wouldn't let me break you." His voice was sad and tired.

"Cullen, I'm already broken," I confessed and felt his grip tighten on me.

A/N: Sorry for the cliffy … but it was necessary.

Love to hear your thoughts…

Til Monday,