AWoC ch38

A/N: HUGE THANK YOU to Rvrsong for updating for me last week.

My team is amazing (although this ch isn't beta'd due to my neglect) but A Jasper For Me, Eternally Edward's girl, Pates Greeneyes and Cutestkidsmom and my soul sistah, Rvrsong…..I couldn't do this without all of you.

ENJOY! TISSUE WARNING…

EPOV

I got off the phone with Charlie and I felt nausea settle in my belly.

I was going to have to bring Riley down. Plain and simple, I didn't have a choice.

We were in deep shit and I was suddenly fearful of what was going to happen if Charlie's plan didn't work out.

And, I was terrified of how Caterpillar was going to react to what Charlie and I had agreed upon. I had to protect her at all costs. I just hoped at the end of it all we were both still alive.

Fuck.

I ran a hand through my hair, lit a cigarette and started to pace.

Fuck my life.

Everything no everyone that I come in contact with either gets fucked over or winds up dead. What makes me think that CP will come out of this any better?

Maybe I should just leave her now, let her go on with her life, without the chaos that my life has brought into hers.

But the thought of walking away from her, especially now that I've felt how she makes me feel … fuck, I'm a pussy.

I heard the water shut off in the bathroom and I knew that the inquisition was about to start. I had to figure out what exactly to say to her.

I needed a fucking drink.

I needed a hit of something.

I grabbed my xanax bottle out of my bag and popped two of them fuckers and swallowed them dry.

My throat felt like the Sahara desert.

The bathroom door opened and Bella walked out wrapped in nothing but a towel, her hair still wet spun up on top of her head.

"I need clean clothes," I swallowed heavily at the sight of her and then nodded before reaching for a shirt and a pair of sweats out of my bag.

"They'll be big but their clean," I laid them on the bed beside me, watching her as she moved to pick them up. Her eyes narrowed at me as I felt the panic rising up inside of me.

I can't do this. I won't be able to do this. I'm such a fuck up, I'm going to get this girl killed. What the fuck have I gotten myself into?

I looked away from her to stare out the window only to hear her sigh and then the sound of the bathroom door closing behind her.

A few minutes later I felt the bed dip beside me as she sat beside me. The heat of her body set my mind into a swirl of thoughts.

"What did you and Charlie talk about?" Her voice was flat and I could feel that she was trying to be calm, but neither of us could be calm about any of this.

"We figured out how to protect you and bring Riley down, so that you stay safe." My voice cracked a little as I spoke.

"And what about you, how are you going to stay safe?" I turned to look at her with an overwhelming feeling of surprise.

"My safety isn't a concern no one worries about my safety." I shrugged and tried to play it off. She grabbed my arm and tugged me towards her so that I was forced to see her face.

"I care you shit, I fucking care." She stood up and moved right in front of me.

"Didn't that," she gestured toward the bed, "doesn't this" she gestured toward her heart, "doesn't anything between us make you see or feel how much that I fucking care?" Her voice had raised a few octaves and my mind was screaming at me to lash out, to explode, to show her that she didn't matter.

But, anger ran through me; anger that she cared, that I allowed her into my life so I was now fucked up in the mess.

"Caterpillar," I said through gritted teeth.

"I won't give up on you," she yelled at me and grabbed my chin.

The look of determination in her face, the set of her jaw, she was hurt and mad at me.

"You can't get hurt, CP, don't you understand? I'm disposable. You aren't." I said and pushed her away from me so that I could stand. I walked over to the table, grabbed the empty flask and shook it. Fuck, I needed a drink but the other bottles were downstairs in the car.

"Edward fucking Cullen, you listen to me right the fuck now," she yelled at my back and I knew that she was standing inches behind me.

"What? This isn't up for debate CP," I sat down at the table, grabbed a smoke and lit it.

"What isn't up for debate? We're together, we're a couple, hell you fucking took my virginity, Edward." Her eyes hard and wet stared into mine.

"That was a mistake, CP, we shouldn't have done that. You're confused about me. I'm no good. Really CP did you think it would be all sunshine and roses now? That a little pussy would magically cure me?" I knew my words were harsh and it hurt to say them, but I had to make her see that I wasn't worth her risking her safety.

I had a job to do.

I had to protect her.

The tears on her cheek lead me to believe that I had accomplished hurting her.

What I didn't expect was the slap across my face.

It hurt.

My skin was on fire as I blinked at her.

"I won't let you push me away, you prick. I fucking care about you. I fucking see your ass and I will not let you do this. I'm not your fucking family or any of those other assholes you've been hurt by. It's me, Caterpillar, fucking Bella, Edward …" her eyes were on fire as she spoke and I felt the drugs I'd taken relax my entire body just as her words cut through my heart.

She knew.

She knew how I felt. She knew what I'd seen.

"I'm not going anywhere, Edward," she grabbed me and pulled us into a half hug as I was sitting. I nuzzled against her neck and felt the tears fall as I wrapped my arms tight around her.

"I won't leave you, Edward." Caterpillar's voice spoke soft into my ear as we clung to one another.

"I don't want to lose you. I have to keep you safe," I cried and felt her move to sit on my lap.

"We'll stay safe, together," she said as our eyes met.

Safe wasn't something I was sure that we'd ever be.

A/N: *sighs* Yeah, I cried too.

Sorry this was a shorter chapter but it was necessary to cut it off where it ended…

Good news: I am about to have a LOT more free time on my hands, which can only mean ONE THING: MORE TIME TO WRITE

YAY! That makes me super happy as I HATE only posting once a week, trust me, I sincerely do.

And, I'm hoping to jump back into working on my next fic AND a few that I've left ya'll hanging on to for a while (whispers ENTITLED)…..

So, THANK YOU all for your support, encouragement and loyalty while I had to deal w/ RL time constraints.

See ya next week.

Kyla