Chapter Three! The Slide


The RED Scout, assuming he was on a scale, had quite unexpectedly shifted from 'BONKBONKBONK' to 'meh'.

His teammates however remained wary in case the sugar rush acted up again. Nevertheless it was with great expectations the REDs gathered to continue their game.

"So now," Engy was saying, "it's Scout's turn to dare someone at somethin'."

More than happy to double jump at this opportunity, the Scout briefly surveyed the room. No matter how much effort Heavy put into avoiding eye-contact with him, the dare-master managed it.

"Heavy." The Scout beamed, savouring the following moment, "I dare ya-" everyone leaned forward in anticipation- "to go sledgin' without snow down a giant hill!"

The mercs collectively gave an evil grin as the Heavy grumbled in self-pity. He wondered if this had been subtly foreshadowed in a previous story.

The mercs in fact had a splendid place nearby for the Heavy Weapons Guy's dare to get underway. Not too far North of their proud (disclaimer; ugly and battered) base was a snow-less hill, a ridiculously tall landmark the REDs tended to blatantly ignore. Before they headed over there though, they needed a sledge.

"Y'could use the intel case," Demoman suggested, "thing's indestructible!" Soldier stuck his hand up;

"Ooh! Oh, I know!" He actually resembled a schoolboy. "We take a chunk of the roof, right-"

"No, no we don't." Spy cut in flatly, making Soldier pout. Sniper appeared to have a genuinely decent idea;

"'ang on a sec…" He left the room and soon returned, presenting an object to Heavy. "Use the razorback!"

Heavy accepted the item and examined the thing. It was a wooden shield, intended for back protection; it looked quite traditional. Until one saw the car battery taped to it.

"Alvays gave Spies a shock, zhat shield. AH HA HA!" No one laughed along with poor Medic. "Ja, okay…"

The team disapprovingly shook their heads at the pun, then followed Heavy outside. Pyro, ever the nice wee fire demon (?), asked something like 'You nervous?'

"Not really. Just another of many testicles in life."

"…Zhat is not the plural of 'test', Heavy…"

The language Heavy used next is probably inappropriate, so use your imagination.

With that embarrassing water under the bridge, the RED mercs began a purposeful walk toward the impending hill of doom. Each dramatic, dust-cloud raising stride brought the team closer to ensured hilarity, at least for the insensitive majority of them.

Why hadn't they decided to wait until morning to do this? Guaranteed failure on Heavy's part.

They reached the base of the hill and stared in awe; that was a crap-ton steeper than they remembered. The Heavy sighed in resignation and shouldered on the razorback.

"Ya best get climbin', fatass," Scout sniggered, protected by the law of the dare master from Heavy's wrath. With little choice but to do so, Heavy began to scale the hill.

For reasons unknown the Medic pulled out his bone saw and played it like a violin as background music. Not to be outdone, Engy joined in with his guitar until they had a respectable (albeit strange) tune going on. Ignoring this, Soldier shouted over it;

"Hurry up and CLIMB! We wanna see the sledging bit!"

Evidently the team agreed because all of them drew various weapons and chased Heavy with bullets and arrows and things, making Medic and Engy play faster to keep up with Heavy-trying-to-save-his-ass-Weapons-Guy.

"IF I SURVIVE I WILL BE COMING FOR YOU COWARDS!" Heavy yelled in caps lock. Then he took an arrow to the butt. "Ow."

Thankfully for him that ended up being the motivation that got him to the summit. IT WAS TIME.

Heavy groaned ('why me') and figured out how best to do this. Below, Sniper was wondering if they should've removed the car battery. Ah well. Heavy meanwhile had the razorback balanced precariously on top of the hill.

After some awkward manoeuvring the merc plonked his behind on the 'sledge' and mentally prepared himself for the test ahead. The high wind decided he didn't deserve the chance.

"Who knew Heavy could scream that high pitch…" Engy mumbled, gaping along with the rest of the team.

Picture a tragic internet video of a dog holding their head out a car window. That was basically Heavy's facial expression.

"So Engeh killed Scout, and he killed Heavy." Demoman summarised drunkenly, sounding a wee bit proud of himself.

"Scout is alive and standing right next to you…" Spy informed him. "Maybe you should lie down." However they all interrupted by a clatter above them. Uh oh.

So, Heavy was airborne for a second there. Ramp-like rocks always lead to fun- at least that's what folk said.

He crash landed back onto the hillside, and unfortunately the car battery didn't respond well. Electrocuted Heavy twitched in a style that rivalled caffeine Scout in intensity.

"He's really pickin' up speed…" Sniper noted with a touch of anxiety. Heavy continued to plough toward the ground, such enough gradually getting faster.

He was nearly halfway down when the spent razorback gave out, but the poor merc kept going minus the sledge.


The plastic, rainbow kiddie slide seemed to stretch on for miles. Pyro found itself a tad jealous of its laughing, joyous teammate, but the Balloonicorn was very understanding. It smiled with awesomeness.


"OW MY ASS!" Heavy wailed in such a manly way he could've gone and sprouted a moustache. But he didn't. He was much too busy overbalancing and performing the rest of his journey face first.

Oh jeez mind that rock- uh, never mind…

Scout tried – he really tried – not to laugh. But it was both impossible and infectious. As dear, abused leetle Heavy ground to a halt in a perfect plank impersonation, the entire team failed to stifle their giggles; which only escalated when the broken halves of the razorback landed on his prone self.

Still, they were a team; granted, a dysfunctional one, but a team nonetheless, so the mercs unceremoniously dragged him back to the base.

And now they were both excited for and dreading the third dare.

Way to go guys, Scout made a Portal reference last chapter :P

Thank you for all the reviews! The RED team are gonna swing by your house and high five you m'kay :D