Razors and Wolfmen
DISCLAIMER: I do not own Bleach ( But I really wish I did! ). I just own this fanfic. Also, this is not a yaoi story. You can look at it like that, but it is not. It's just a close friendship between Sajin and Shuuhei. Read and review.
SHINIGAMI-god of death, or, in the case of Bleach, soul reapers.
TABI- socks that a samurai wears
SEIREITEI- place where all soul reapers live.
It had been about a month since the betrayal and defection of Captains Aizen, Ichimaru, and Tosen, and everyone in the Seireitei was still depressed, save for the 11th division. But few were as depressed as two individuals, who happened to be very close to the latter. Sajin Komamura, captain of the 7th division, and Shuuhei Hisagi, lieutenant of the 9th division. Both were close friends with Kaname Tosen, and were incredibly hurt and depressed when he defected. The only difference between them at the moment was Sajin had his, well what was left of it anyway, division to cheer him up. Even though most of his division had transferred after finding out about his appearance. Sajin was not ugly exactly, it was more of the fact that he was an incredible 9 feet tall, weighing well over 600 pounds with an anthropomorphic wolf body and head to top it all off. Sure, it wasn't normal, but he reminded many people of a giant puppy, coupled with his incredibly gentle personality, and you had the very definition of the phrase "Gentle Giant".
The reason most of his division had transferred, was the fact that most of those people were new recruits, just starting out as shinigami , and did not know about his kind personality, so they were quite frightened when they found out he was a, as humans would call him, werewolf. Despite this he still did everything he regularly did.
Shuuhei, on the other hand, had resorted to alcoholism and other things most would not approve of, especially Captain Komamura. But there was one thing that Shuuhei favored above all others…
"Tetsuzaemon!" a very deep and raspy voice growled out. That voice belonged to the 7th division's captain, Sajin "Gentle Giant" Komamura.
"Yes, sir?" the lieutenant of said division asked. He respected his captain above everyone else, and could very easily detect the anger and worry in his captain's voice.
"I take it you've noticed the changes in Lieutenant Hisagi, Correct?" The worry more detectable this time.
"Not really, Captain. I haven't seen Hisagi for around three weeks now," his tone had concern etched all over it. He and Hisagi were like brothers, and if something happened to him… Let's just say he wouldn't take it well.
"I know, that's what I'm referring to. Barely anyone has seen him in the past month, not at the training grounds, not at any of his friend's division, not even the bar. I'm starting to get very worried."
"He could be on a vacation," Tetsuzaemon added weakly as a false hope.
"He would never request for a vacation at a time like this. Even if he did, I find it highly unlikely he'd get any time off due to the current chaos in the Seireitei." Sajin said matter-of-factly. He sighed. Shuuhei had looked incredibly distraught the last time Sajin had seen him. Distraught enough to do something drastic Something like... Sajin swallowed, resolving to visit Shuuhei's living quarters first thing tomorrow. He just hoped he hadn't done something he'd regret…
Shuuhei looked at the shining metal object in his hand. He had used this razor several times in the past month for more than just shaving. The proof was all over his arms. Cut after diagonal cut ran up and down them. He let out a shaky breath and quickly flicked his wrist, causing another cut to form on his right arm. He stared down at the fresh wound, watching as the blood slowly trickled onto the floor. He wondered, for a moment, if his friend, Izuru did the same thing to deal with his captain's betrayal. He had been close to Gin Ichimaru after all, not to mention his division represented despair. These thoughts drifted through his mind for the next few minutes, but he soon dismissed them.
Izuru had stopped that crap a long time ago, not long after he had met him. Shuuhei had walked in on him one time while he was cutting, and Hisagi had reacted by tearing the razor from his frozen grip and thrown it out the window. He had then walked over to Izuru and punched him square in the jaw, saying that there was no reason he needed to cut himself. He had never seen his friend so scared and helpless. Hisagi had then proceeded to clean and bandage his friend's wounds. Just to make sure Izuru didn't try to open the wounds, or create new ones, Hisagi had stayed awake the entire night at his friend's house, watching as Izuru slept.
Now Hisagi was doing the same thing his friend had done all those years ago. Irony was, indeed, a heartless bitch.
Sajin did not sleep peacefully that night. He just had a bad feeling about what he'd find tomorrow when he went to visit Shuuhei. He had no idea what it was going to be, all he knew was that it wasn't going to be good.
Sajin almost always awoke around 8 AM, so his division was usually quiet. For a few minutes, he just lay there, dreading the meeting with Shuuhei. He gave a sigh, and, grudgingly, began to dress. Once he had his shihakusho on and his belt tied, he began to brew a pot of oolong tea. Within a few minutes the pot was whistling. He removed it from the stove and set it on the counter. He then began to cook a small bowl of jasmine rice while he let his tea brew. When the rice was done he placed some of his favorite food in his small serving of rice. Meat. Sweet, delicious, mouth-watering, meat. Within a few minutes he had devoured his small breakfast and drunken his entire pot of tea. He put his bowl, cup, and pot in the sink to be washed later, and entered his bedroom once again.
He picked up his white haori and slipped his arms through the sleeve holes. He then slipped on his shoulder plates, gloves and finally gauntlets. He always waited until last to put these pieces of equipment on because they made it a bit harder to eat.
He exited his room and walked towards the exit to the 7th divisions headquarters, where all the tabi, and sandals were. His were not very hard to find, considering that they were enormous boots made of the same type of metal as his gauntlets and shoulder plates. With that done, he stepped out of his division and used shunpo to get to the 9th division, dreading every moment of it. Sooner than he had expected, he arrived at his destination. He removed his boots and placed them by the door. He had been to the 9th division several times to visit Tosen, so he knew his way around. Soon enough he arrived at Hisagi's living quarters. He raised his enormous gloved fist to knock, but his sensitive ears and nose picked up something he never thought he'd hear or smell from this room, and never wanted to hear or smell from this room again…
15 MINUTES EARLIER
Hisagi raised the razor to his arm once again, and slashed creating yet another diagonal injury. He sighed not even trying to hold back the tears anymore, saying to himself "I'm a piece of trash. It's my fault, all my fault. My hero left because of me. I deserve to die." He repeated this for around five minutes before he started cutting again, but faster and messier than before, splattering blood on the floor and the sink. He didn't care anymore, he didn't care how much blood he lost, how much pain he felt. The only thing he cared about was death. With that thought in mind, he uttered something he never should have said.
"I'm going to kill myself."
Sajin opened the door as quickly as he could and slammed it back, making a loud bang. The horrible smell that made him want to be sick, the smell of blood, was coming from the bathroom. He yanked the door open, and what he saw next horrified him. Blood was splattered everywhere, the floor, the sink, and, most noticeably, the bathtub. In the bathtub sat Shuuhei Hisagi, lieutenant of the 9th division, drenched with blood and a razor in his hand. He looked absolutely terrified at the sight of the of the wolf captain. Sajin "Gentle Giant" Komamura vanished. What emerged was Sajin "Super Freakin' Pissed Giant" Komamura. He lunged at Shuuhei, and landed directly on top of him. What Sajin noticed next made him gag. When he landed on top of Shuuhei, he also landed in a half-inch of blood. He looked at Shuuhei. For a moment, only a moment, he had the urge to kill him, but when he saw his frightened face, he realized he had just made the situation ten times worse.
He was ashamed. His expression softened as he slowly and carefully, picked Shuuhei up and set him down on the toilet. He then stepped out of the tub himself and looked at Shuuhei like a father would at his injured child. Shuuhei was broken, crushed, and left nearly completely alone after Tosen's defection, and Sajin had just taken out all of his anger on the heartbroken lieutenant. He was lower than dirt. Sajin then noticed something that only made him feel worse. Shuuhei's eyes were swollen, and red. He had been crying, clearly not very long ago, most likely just before Sajin had scared the shit out of him. He really was a monster.
Gently Sajin took Shuuhei's arm with a clenched fist.
"Give me the razor Shuuhei," he asked gently in his deep raspy voice. He didn't respond.
"Shuuhei, please give me the razor," Sajin asked even more gently than before. Shuuhei still did not respond.
Sajin took this as a sign that he was either in shock, or was incredibly dedicated to ending his life. Sajin prayed to every deity that came to mind that it was the former. Sajin slowly and carefully undid Shuuhei's fist and picked up the bloodstained razor from his damaged palm. He set it on the sink counter, and opened the medicine cabinet. He reached for the bandages, but before he could reach them, he heard sniffling from behind. He turned around to see Shuuhei had snapped backed to reality and was now crying again. Sajin got down the bandages, but before mending his wounds, he decided he would have to mend their trust. He sat on the edge of the bloodstained bathtub and patted the man's back, trying to comfort the broken lieutenant. Had never seen Shuuhei cry before, and he never wanted to see it again.
This went on for around an hour or so, Sajin then went to Shuuhei's bedroom and retrieved a pair of white night clothes for Shuuhei to change into, But first he started the shower so Shuuhei could clean the blood from his arms and hands. Sajin then proceeded to enter Shuuhei's significantly smaller kitchen, where he began to boil a pot of water for some tea. Sajin's sensitive ears soon picked up the sound of water stopping abruptly followed by the sound of footsteps. Sajin looked over to see Shuuhei had dressed in the nightclothes and was now walking towards his futon. Sajin removed the pot from the stove, figuring it to be hot enough now, and retrieved the bandages from the bathroom from which Shuuhei had just exited. Sajin then began to slowly approach Shuuhei and sat almost directly in front of him and gently took his still slightly bloodied right arm, begining to dress the mangled flesh. As he dressed his left arm he couldn't help but ask the question that had been on his mind all night.
That was not what Shuuhei had thought the captain would have asked. It was obvious wasn't it? He had wanted to die!
'What a stupid question. He's not concerned for me, a few hours ago he wanted to kill me, and he thinks bandaging my arms and making tea can make me forget that? He fucking pounced on me!... And I was scared. If I want to die, why am I scared? It doesn't make any fucking sense! Maybe… Maybe I don't want to die. But then why did I try to kill myself? I don't get it! I don't fucking get it!'
"Shuuhei!" Sajin shouted for the fifth time at the other male shaking his shoulders lightly. He was beginning to think the defection of Tosen had destroyed his mind.
Shuuhei blinked before looking at the wolf captain's furry face.
"Sorry," he heard him mutter, even his sensitive ears having trouble picking up the barely audible response.
"It's alright, Shuuhei," he replied, placing his hand on the depressed male's shoulder. He couldn't believe this was the same Shuuhei Hisagi as before. He was a shell of his former self.
"I owe you an aswer," Shuuhei said a little louder than his previous reply. Sajin looked at the raven-haired male and cocked his head to the side, confused.
"For that question you asked a few minutes ago."
Sajin's amber eyes lit up in realization.
"No, you don't have to tell me if you don't want to," Sajin reassured Shuuhei.
"No! This needs to be said!" Shuuhei shouted at the captain, causing him to wince because of the noise level.
Shuuhei took a deep breath before saying what he had been thinking his entire life. What he said next was not what Sajin had been expecting.
"I've been repressing this urge for years," muttered Shuuhei, more to himself than the furry male sitting next to him. Though Sajin's eyes still grew wide, and it still caused him to gasp.
"I've always been depressed. I'm still surprised Ichimaru wouldn't let me join his division. The divison of despair. I belong there. Even after I met Izuru and Iba I was depressed. I wonder how I was able to suppress the urge to kill myself for this long." Shuuhei finished with a depressed sigh.
"Shuuhei… I never knew," Sajin said to the black-haired male. He reminded him of-
"I'm not gonna stop cutting ya know," Shuuhei interrupted the wolfman's train of thought with the bombshell. There wasn't a trace of emotion in his voice.
All sympathy immediately faded from Sajin's face. He was sitting here trying to comfort the damn guy, and he says he won't stop? Sajin hadn't wanted to show Shuuhei this but… He had no choice now.
"You want to see how bad this can get!? I'll show you what real cutting looks like!" With that said, Sajin yanked away his haori, ripped off his gauntlets and gloves, and tore off the top half of his shihakusho. What Shuuhei saw made him feel like a complete ass. Crisscrossing Komamura's body were scars so large that they could easily be seen through his fur, clearly made by a sword. They made Shuuhei's wounds look like needle pricks.
"My god… Sajin you-" Shuuhei caught himself. Using the captain's first name without his permission was an act of great disrespect … He awaited his punishment, but was instead embrassed by the other male. Shuuhei's eyes practically popped out of his head as his brain tried to process why he was being hugged instead of smacked. Could he be gay? No, Shuuhei recalled once when the captain in question had stared at a certain big breasted shinigami and gotten a massive nose bleed. Bi maybe? That was immediately dismissed, recalling when a certain freaky eyebrowed shinigami had flirted with him, only to be declined by the giant captain, who stated he was neither gay nor bi.
So why was he being hugged by the fluffy captain?!... Had he really just thought he felt fluffy? This odd train of thought was broken by the captain in question.
"Yes, I did. I used to cut my self too. I know what your going through. But I stopped because I found a reason to continue to live. You already have one, so why are doing this?" Sajin asked, his voice full of worry, caring, and sympathy.
"It feels like it's the only way to deal with my captain's defection and betrayal," Shuuhei said, still confused as to why he was being hugged.
"There are other ways to deal with this besides cutting. You don't have to sully your skin."
Shuuhei looked up at the captain as best he could in the embrace.
"Like?" Shuuhei asked, a hint of sarcasm in his voice.
"Like not bottling up your emotions until you lose it, and start cutting yourself. If you just let them flow naturally, you'll feel a lot better. But if you continue to dam up your emotions, when the dam breaks, you'll end up right back here, but next time I might not be here to give you a wake-up call," Sajin whispered in the raven-haired lieutenants ear, his voice full of sympathy and compassion.
Shuuhei's eyes began to tear up. He had never been talked to like this, not even by his captain. Let his emotions flow naturally? Is that what was happening now? The tears began to fall, but they weren't tears of anger, or crocodile tears. For the first time in a long time, Shuuhei was letting his emotions out. And they were genuine.
Sajin could feel the tears staining his fur, but he didn't pull away. He did the opposite, he held Shuuhei closer to his chest, waiting for the sobs to die down to whimpers, and then the steady, even, breathing of sleep.
He yawned and checked the time: 12:07 AM. He was too tired to shunpo back to his division, so he simply picked the sleeping lieutenant up and laid him down down on his futon. He then slipped in himself, still cradling Shuuhei close to him. Sajin noticed Shuuhei still had a bit of blood on his face, and, as sleep began to take over, an animal instinct kicked in, causing him to clean the blood away with his tongue, as a father wolf would with their cub.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: as I already stated in the disclaimer, this is not yaoi. It's just a close friendship fic between Sajin and Shuuhei. You can look at it like that, but it's not. Also, anyone who can guess the two unnamed characters I may or may not do a mini-fic for you. KEYWORD: MAY. No guarantee. This is my improved version by the way, my old one was much shorter, and not as well written.