An: So this is because I felt the show took a step forward in Gemma admitting to loving Billy at the end of episode five, only to have a relapse of her epiphany (please see: lying to oneself!) in Episode six. Anyway, I though episode six just being concerned with the choice between Billy and Tom was a little unbelievable, mainly because they haven't really presented Tom in a way that makes sense of why Gemma has such a hard time choosing. Which is a bit sad because all the characters are fantastic and it's probably just because the writers did not have time to detail it in the way ideally they wanted... this is what I'm choosing to believe anyway, because otherwise I just can't see how they could have moved from episode four (and five) - which was so beautifully coherent, and well written, and thought out and just perfect - to (the slight disappointment) of episode six. I mean it was still good! But. Yes. So! I have written Gemma's back story to justify (at least to myself) why Gemma was having such a hard time choosing between smooth Irish and befuddled English.
Sorry, that was a lot of waffle. Please enjoy? Oh! And review my pretty little readers *doe eyes* you totally know you want too...
Gemma's only been in love once before. Real love; the kind that swoops out of nowhere and leaves you a blinking, incoherent mess unable to find the floor and not sure you ever really want to again.
It wasn't that she didn't love Jason – she did, it was just a different kind of love. A head love. He was a good guy, he was funny, and he was good with Alfie. But they were always like a bickering brother and sister even when married.
Before Jason there had been Joe.
He had come out of nowhere in a silver beaten-up Volvo with one black door and a tan leather jacket to help her hobble home after she's got a heel caught between pavement slabs. He'd taken a gentle hold of her ankle while he inspected her prison, and Gemma had pretended not to notice when he began to stroke the inside of her leg. He made her wiggle a bit before declaring, very helpfully, that yes, her shoe was indeed completely stuck and he could no more get it out than she could. But he very charitably offered her his arm to help her limp the couple of streets home and then spontaneously kissed her at the front door (consequently it had taken ten minutes for Gemma to regain enough coordination to get her key in the lock) and then speed off in his noble automobile.
The next night he'd turned up at the door with a bottle of red wine and a blanket and said there was something she needed to see. He'd driven her three hours so they could see the sunrise over the ocean, and told her that until they'd met he had never thought anything more beautiful existed. Gemma had stuttered and stumbled and blushed, but he'd kissed her hesitation away.
Afterwards he drove her home and she didn't see him again for nine months, until this little person emerged from her with his nose and his eyes. And for a long time Gemma didn't know whether to love or resent Alfie more because of that man. Now, well, now she wouldn't change anything for the world, because without Alfie she'd be lost. But either way, it had taken a long time and a lot of heartache to get over what really was only ever two days.
Gemma wonders how long it would take for her to get over Billy. And then wonders if she gave in to her feelings, gave in to him, whether she ever would.
And that's why the decision between Billy and Tom is so hard. She looks at Tom and can still see 'Celina' branded across every square inch of him just like she has 'Billy', if not across every part of her, than at least on the places that matter most. Maybe they could help each other? She's so fond of Tom, even if he thinks that the mess and the scattiness is something detachable, rather than just her.
And Billy... He could so easily hurt her. Take one of his chef-y pointy tools and perfectly carve her heart from her chest. And that scares her.
Although, perhaps what scares her even more, is that deep down she knows he would never, could never. Because he's been just as burned by her own name, as she has by his.