Remembering Her

By: CSI-Panther

Summary: Snape gets drunk, remembering his Lily on Halloween.

A/N: I don't own Harry Potter.

Halloween night, Hogwarts.

He hated this night. Hated it with a white hot passion. Wishing not for the first time if he could go back in time to this night 10 years ago and to a house where his love lived and save her, her and her child that now sat where she had when she was that age. The boy's father he could care less about, only her and that small piece of her mattered, well at the time he did, now that small piece of her sits and looks around the hall and talking to those at his table and looking so much like his father that it sickened him to see the boy, sitting there breathing, talking, moving about, and not caring that this night was when he had lost his parents and he had lost his love.

He really hated this night.

When he returned to his chambers that night, he sat down in front of the low fire in his fireplace, a glass in his hand and a bottle on the small table beside him.

As he would drink, he would remember her. Her smile, her shining green eyes, her personality, her temper when he would say something about her sister, who treated both of them like dirt only because she couldn't do magic like her sister and him. Her forgiveness towards him and others, for she could never stay mad for long at those she cared for. Her fierceness when she would defend him and others from those who thought it would be fun to hurt with their words and throwing things at them, him doing the same for her, only for her, when they would do the same to her. Her kind heart and ways for others, always giving a smile to those with a frown.

He chuckled deeply when he remembered when she had smiled at Fletch, the poor old squib was so shocked that someone had smiled at him that he ran right into a pillar, she hadn't seen it of course, because her future husband had ran between them and caused them to drop their books.

Taking a drink of the amber liquid, he frowned when he remembered that her future husband and his friends had snuck up on them and had thrown a rock at him,

He heard their leader, Potter say, " Hey guys, watch this. " And then he felt something hard hit him in the side of the head with a thud. He kept going, despite the pain he felt, but his love had stopped and confronted them,

" Why did you do that for Potter?! He did nothing to you! How would like it if someone threw a rock at you for no reason?! "

" Oh come on Evans! It's only Snivelious! " Potter said.

" Well Severus is my friend! Leave him alone you arrogant toerag! " She replied hotly before throwing a jinx at him and leaving to find Severus.

She found him, up in an old tree they had found their first year( their 3rd years here ). Though he was well hidden, she knew where he was, she always knew where to find him when he would hide away.

Laughing gently, she said, " 'Rus. You really need to work on finding different hiding places. " Looking up at him as he leaned against the tree.

He jumped down, landing in front of her, " Why would it matter? You always find me. I can't even sneak up on you, you know when I'm there. How do you know when I'm around? " He said as he sat down on the ground, she sat down next to him and replied,

" I'm not sure myself, call it a sixth sense, I guess. "

" Hmph! " He grunted gently, earning a giggle from her, he smiled a little as well.

" Now let's look at that thick skull of yours. " She said reaching over to look at where the rock hit.

" Hey! I'm not thick headed! " He exclaimed, pulling away.

" Yes you are! Now stop being a baby and let me look! " She laughed, causing him to grunt at the 'baby' and laughed too.

He took another long gulp of his glass, finishing it off and refilling it the moment he sat it down on the table. Another memory came, it was before they went to Hogwarts, they were 9 at the time two years after they met and they were by the river in their neighborhood park,

She was sitting down on the bank, looking out at the water, it was summer time and she was wearing jean shorts with a red sleeveless shirt and sandles, well she would be, but her feet were in the water.

He stood behind her, quiet as a mouse, watching her. When she said, " Aren't you going to sit down Sev? "

His eyes widen as he moved to her and sat down beside her. Again he wondered how she knew he was there.

" You looked like you wanted the quiet. " He said quietly.

" Not really. I was mostly just thinking about Tuney. " She replied.

" She called you a freak again? " He asked and flinched as he realized how stupid that was when it was obvious that that was what was wrong.

She didn't say anything about it as she answered, " Yes. Sometimes I wish I was normal again. "

" I like you just the way you are. You being a witch just shows how special you are. No matter what Tuney says. Remember? You told me that old saying, ' Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me. ' " He said.

" Yes, I know. And I'm begining to think whoever made that saying is really stupid. Because words can hurt just as much as the sticks and stones. " She replied, causing him to look away for a moment and she quickly said,

" I'm sorry Sev. I know how your dad..."

" Don't worry about. " He said shortly, still looking away.

He heard her sigh deeply before getting up, he frowned and turned to say ' don't go, Lily. ' But she was already gone. He turned back to the water when suddenly he was pushed into the cool water.

" Ahh! " He screamed before he hit the water and coming back up, he saw Lily standing there laughing at him.

" What did you do that for?! " He shouted, standing up.

" You needed to stop frowning, it doesn't suit you! " She giggled.

" Ha ha. " He mocked before he suddenly fell under the water again.

When he didn't come back up, Lily got worried, " Sev?..Sev?!...Severus! " She shouted and jumped into the water, she looked around, but didn't see him, she came up for air and nearly had a heart attack, Severus was right in front of her with a smile on his face,

" Fooled you! " He said before dunking her under again. She grabbed his ankle and pulled him under too. They stared at each other and smiled before coming back up and laughing.

When they were 14, they did that again, only the roles was reversed and it began with just splashing water at the other,

" Ahh! Quit it Sev! " Lily shouted as they stood in knee deep water in the river.

" You started it Lil! " He said as he continued to splash her.

She splashed back, getting him right the face.

" Ahh, no fair! " He said, rubbing his eyes.

" Serves you right, Sevvy! " She said.

" Don't call me that! " He said, rubbing his eyes.

Once he had wiped the water away from his eyes, he noticed that Lily wasn't there. " Lily?...Lily where are you?...Lily! This isn't funny! " He stood there a moment more before he saw bubbles to his left where the deep water was. " Lily! " He shouted and jumped over to the deep end, he looked around until he broke for air and he almost had a heart attack, Lily was there with a grin on her face.

" Now you know how I felt! " She laughed and dunked him under and he pulled her down too by grabbing both of her ankles. And as before, they stared and smiled at each other before going up for air.

As Severus drank, he felt the first of many tears that would flow the rest of the night fall from his eyes. This night was also the only night he would allow his emotions to come to the surface and let the tears fall instead of fighting them off. He finished off the first bottle and summoned another from his personal kitchen. And instead of using the glass, he drank from the bottle.

He finished that bottle in two minutes before summoning another.

By the time that the headmaster called him from the floo, he had gone through 8 bottles and was working on his 9th one, each year since her death, he would drank a little more and get more drunk and have a hangover worse then the previous year.

There was only one person who knew about his once a year drinking and it was the headmaster.

" Severus. " Albus greeted solemnly.

" Headmaster. " He greeted back, his speech slightly slurred.

" Haven't you had enough tonight, my friend? " Albus asked, looking at the bottles of firewhiskey on the table beside Severus' chair and the half empty one in his hand.

" Just one more and I'll stop. " He answered.

" You've had enough. Go to bed. You have classes tomorrow. " Albus reminded him.

Severus grunted in reply and downed the bottle in his hand in three gulps.

" Very well. But I'm still having one more. " He said and summoned the last one he had and began to drink it.

Albus watched him, ready to intervene. The first time he saw his former student do this, it was a few days after Lily's death. He had come to talk more about his promise to watch out for Harry and saw him spiraled on his kitchen floor in home at Spinner's End, the smell of alcohol on his breathe and a knife in his hand, it appeared that he had gotten drunk and forgot his promise and was ready to end his life, but thankfully at the time, Severus couldn't hold the liquor and passed out before the blade even touched his skin. He managed to help him through that, but then Minerva had visited him to ask him to work at the school and saw that he had not been eating and had been surviving on the liquor and had brought him straight to the hospital wing, Madam Promfrey never said a word about what she had seen, not even to Severus himself, who was so out of it, he had barely spoke for nearly year after that. It taken Minerva a good 8 months to get him to start eating like he was suppose to instead of every once in awhile, but only Albus knew that Severus had finally stopped the drinking almost ever day except for tonight, by telling him that if he had kept it up he would turn out like his father and if there was one thing in this world that Severus hated more then James Potter and Voldemort, it was his father, who was an alcoholic and abusive and Severus had sworn years ago that no matter hard his life got he would not turn to the bottle and become like his father and so by telling him that, he stopped. Only until Halloween did he touch the bottle and let his emotions go once more, for when he lost Lily, he lost his heart and became cold and bitter towards all around him, except for himself and Minerva, others he tolerated, while others he didn't want nothing to do with only for the sake of respect for him did he come around to the gatherings that he had planned.

Severus finished his bottle and banished the bottles. He stood up, a little unsteadly, but he got ahold of himself and bed Albus good night and walked out of sight of the fireplace and to his room, where more memories came to him in his dreams.


Whatcha ya'll think of this one?

CSI-Panther out.