I'M BACK BITCHES!
Well, I never actually left. I've just been hanging around over in the Narnia section for a few months. :D Enjoy the new chapter and sorry about the wait!
The Grey company stood respectfully by the grave of Théodred, surrounded by weeping Rohirrim. As the body of the prince drew level with them, Éowyn stepped forward, tears dripping off xer moustache, and opened xer mouth.
"Oh, Danny boy, the pipes, the pipes are calling," xe sung in a manly baritone.
"Oh, in the name of all the Valar," Aragorn muttered. His mood was further darkened when a veteran appeared, pumping and blowing into a strange bag. A low throbbing sound rose and then a terrible wailing rose over the top. And it was loud! Deafening, even! Aragorn would have stuffed his fingers in his ears except he would have thought it very rude. The Rohirrim were all bawling their eyes out and blowing their noses on giant tartan handkerchiefs.
"Gandalf, what do we do next?" he said.
"Try to snap Théoden out of it. If we can get him, we get all the Rohirrim," he answered grimly.
His eyes strayed to Galabríawenúthien. What he could see of her; she had found some great black veil from some back room of Meduseld. It swamped her from head-to-toe and hid her from the world. What was she thinking, Gandalf could not help but wonder.
The crowds began to dissipate. Aragorn and the others followed them up towards the Golden Hall leaving Gandalf with Théoden. The King stood for a few moments by his son's grave. Pearly tears began to roll down the ginger beard.
"Ach, he were me only wean..." he sobbed. Gandalf patted him on the shoulder.
"There there. We'll sort this out and everything will come up roses," he said.
Galabríawenúthien walked along outside the Golden Hall, her urple eyes gazing at the setting sun. She stopped and snorted. What to do, what to do. She had not expected Gandalf to show up again. This could throw everything off. She knew that Aragorn had escaped her, as had the Hobbits. Would the Hobbits still be under her control? Sam was the most worrying. The others weren't as important but that one had a real and very worrying heroic streak. If she was going to continue, she needed more resources.
She sat down and pressed a hand to the ground. She wormed her fingers into the earth and breathed in deeply. A smile curved around her face. Oh yes, she knew what she needed.
"Greetings, fellow Brothers of the Most Worshipful Brethren of the Tree-Huggers!" Treebeard bellowed. The others nodded and shook their leafy tunics in greeting. "May I present Meriadoc and Peregrin, Orcs who claim they are not Orcs!" Treebeard continued.
Pippin waved at them cheerily. A smallish Brother with holly leaves tied in his hair waved merrily back only to receive a withering look from the other Brothers.
"The Brethren shall decide if they are truthful or not! Come, let us consult our great master!" Treebeard proclaimed.
He turned and, as one, the Brethren marched to one end of the grove and prostrated themselves on the forest floor.
"O Great and Mighty Tree, envelop us in your branches and show us the path to light," they intoned.
The tree they were addressing was not particularly magnificent. Even the ones to either side of it were so much grander and healthy but this one had the face. An ugly and crude face had been drawn inexpertly on the bark in chalk.
"Merry, are they worshipping a tree?" Pippin hissed out of the corner of his mouth.
"I think so, Pip," Merry hissed back. He folded his arms, his mind ticking over. "Pip, I think we can use this to our advantage," he muttered. "They worship a tree? Will, I think their god should speak to them."
Pippin turned to his cousin with a cheeky grin. "Master Brandybuck, could you possibly be referring to the Incident of the Terrible Haunting of the Great Smials?"
"Indeed, Master Took, that I am."
The bunny hopped slowly through the undergrowth, fuming to itself. THE SUE SHALL PAY! it raged. Pausing to scratch itself fervently, it gazed around the landscape. Ithilien was really quite boring. It made a mental note to improve it dramatically when everything was back to normal. Yes, a little fire everywhere would spruce things up nicely.
It heard a clanking in the distance and crept towards the noise. Its nose twitched with delight as it espied a certain Hobbit lying against a rock. The Hobbit moved and the bunny saw the flash of a chain in the sunlight. Perfect! He had the Ring! If the bunny could only get a paw on it, it could end this whole bloody charade!
A stick cracked behind it. OH NO, NOT YOU! it squealed as Gollum bore down on it.
"Find us dinner, find us dinner, who does the Fat One think he is?" Gollum was muttering. He grabbed the bunny and brutally snapped its neck. "He wants dinner? Nice bit of rabbit for the Fat One then."
He failed to notice the screaming black spectre rise from the body and streak off to the East as he carted it back to the camp.
"Look precious! We found you food!" he said happily, throwing the carcass at Sam's head.
"You monster! Look at it, it was someone's pet!" Sam gasped, shaking the fluffy whiteness at Gollum. The creature shrugged.
"Not our problem. Stupid girlies should have kept it locked in the hutch," he said dismissively.
Sam inspected the bunny. He was certain that it had been someone's pet. No wild rabbit was so plump or had such clean white fur. Still, it was dead now and a source of perfectly good meat. He skinned it and it was soon simmering away in the beginnings of a stew. But Gollum was now determined to help. He sat breathing down Sam's neck and made suggestions on how to improve the meal. Also whenever Sam turned away he kept trying to taste it.
"Fat One, we are certain that this stew does not meet Food Industry Hygiene Regulations!" Gollum insisted, grabbing the pot for the tenth time.
" Food Hygiene what?! Why are you so annoying?" Sam snarled as he snatched the pot back. He glared at Gollum before handing Frodo a plate of stew.
"And why are you not a cissy, precious?" Gollum retorted.
"A cissy?!" the Hobbit yelped.
"Yes, precious, a cissy! We were reliably informed that the Fat One was a cissy with a homosexual lusting for the Master, weren't we my love?" Gollum announced. Frodo choked on his stew.
Sam was speechless. His mouth opened and shut noiselessly.
"I do not have homosexual lustings for anyone!" he said eventually. Gollum sniffed and went back to scuffing in the dirt.
"Not what we heard," he said, just loud enough for Sam to hear.
Sam's eyes narrowed and he opened his mouth to retort but before the words could leave his mouth, a loud coughing and choking made him spin around.
Frodo was on his hands and knees, his face purple as he coughed.
"Mr Frodo!" Sam cried and rushed to his Master's side. He didn't know what to do! Any thoughts on how to save a person from choking completely vanished from his mind and he was left completely helpless.
With a terrible rattle, Frodo flopped forward and was still. His skin paled and turned cold to the touch, his fingernails lengthened and his cloak bloomed with darkness like an ink-drop in water. He began to breathe again, a peculiar rasp. He sat up slowly and pulled the hood of his cloak over his head.
"Mr Frodo?" Sam asked nervously. The shadowy hood swivelled towards him, a pair of red eyes glowing in the depths beneath.
"Mwahahaha, I am Evil!Frodo!" he shrieked and collapsed into a high-pitched cackling.
Gollum and Sam looked at the stew pot.
"Bad stew, precious," Gollum said sympathetically.
"Xe" and "xer" are used to mean he/she in the Universal Mary Sue Litmus Test. I thought it appropriate for poor Eowyn.
I write as someone who has been in a choir trapped next to twelve bagpipes in a confined space. You do not know the meaning of the word "loud" until you have been in those conditions.
Oh, and Sauron isn't dead. Frodo just ate his physical form. Man, imagine how this would have turned out if Gollum was the one to slay Sauron? O.o
Also, I wrote a short parody for The Hobbit called A Moose's Tale and I would much appreciate it if you would head on over and have a peek at it. It was supposed to be uploaded when I passed 100,000 words in my fics but I forgot about it and it sat on my hard-drive until today when I saw it, read it, sniggered at it and decided to bite the bullet and upload it. So go take a looksie please!
Anyways, see you next time, which hopefully won't be in three months. *cringes*