A/N:I haven't written anything in like… forever! (well at least that's how it feels) But I have a HUGE obsession with all things Jessica Lange, so I decided I'd do a little AHS piece to get myself back into writing.
Also…this was written about two weeks ago straight after 2x05 (because the whole Sister Jude baby squirrel scene… literally broke my heart. Jessica Lange never ceases to blow me away, she deserves all the awards for that scene alone) anyway the point is that this was written was before THAT promo! Seriously I'm SO excited for 2x07 that its unreal… but at the same time I'm super nervous to finally watch it. Ah! Wednesday seems like far too long to wait. And if you haven't seen the promo I'm referring to yet, and more specifically that last fraction of a second, then I envy you. I wish I had that much self restraint. ;)
I'm also going to apologise in advance if I unintentionally offend anyone with this…I'm not religious, but I have many close friends and family who are, when I asked them about suicide I got mixed and conflicting views on it and whether it was a sin…so I just went with it. So I apologise. No Beta, so all mistakes are my own…oops.
Disclaimer: Yup. You guessed it…not mine.
It's Even Darker in the Daytime
"God always answers our prayers Judy…it's just rarely the answer we're looking for"
All she wanted was forgiveness. That's all she'd ever wanted, to be forgiven for all her sins and wrong doings. Her deep desire and need for forgiveness is why she chose to re-invent herself, to complete and utterly give herself over to god – to do his will and make it her life's mission to help others be forgiven for their sins, so that she in turn could be forgiven for her own. Her commitment to Briarcliff and to each and every one of its inhabitants was her way of earning that …. No matter how many times she'd sought and received absolution, it never sat right with her, deep down in her heart and soul she knew that no amount of penance or prayer would earn her a reprieve for the terrible and unspeakable crime she'd committed that fateful night.
It was ironic that she'd given almost a decade of her life at this godforsaken institution; doing her upmost to earn the Good Lords forgiveness, when in actual fact it wasn't gods forgiveness she needed to help her sleep at night – it was that poor innocent child's. The precious young girl, who's life she'd unintentionally cut short on that fateful night. And all of this had happened because she was weak, having given into to her sins and addiction, turning to booze and sex to mask all of her problems – it was the Martin family cure after all (as well as their ultimate undoing). She needed to look into that dear child's eyes and tell her how sorry she was and be given forgiveness in return.
She was never going to be granted the forgiveness she sought and so desperately needed, that much she was certain off, but that didn't stop her from helping others in find their own. Briarcliff had became the only thing she lived for – the one thing that kept her living when all her will had crumbled. The mere thought that it could all be suddenly and violently snatched from her was enough to bring her to her tipping point.
Suicide was a sin. Even to contemplate it was a sin all of its own, which is just one of the countless reasons she'd spend many hours down on her knees, praying that she'd be forgiven for having such thoughts. This could well have been an everyday occurrence during the past decade, but she'd not allowed herself dwell on the said thoughts after she'd prayed for forgiveness.
She wanted the good lord to forgive her for hers sins, god knows that's her solitary want left in life… but what did gods forgiveness mean to her really? When she knew that deep down, even if she was ever granted it … his forgiveness would never be enough. Not for her – not after the horrendous sins she'd committed.