Kenny McCormick took a swig out of the ice cold Pepsi that was sitting in his hand as he glanced over at his best friend Stan Marsh, who was draped over his bed in a relaxed position.
It was a typical Saturday night in late November in the quiet mountain of South Park Colorado. Sheets of bright white snow covered the roofs of houses and other buildings, almost making the town look like something out of a corny fairytale story.
The duo of eighteen year old males were huddled in Stan's room, engrossed in a millionth rerun of Terrance and Philip: Asses of fire 3.
Kenny was spending the night at Stan's and the two teens had spent the last several hours just chilling out and watching television, which was any red blooded teenage male's ideal way to spend a Saturday night. Except for say, getting laid of course.
By the time Asses of Fire 3 ended it was around midnight, and the rest of Stan's family was in bed with the exclusion of Shelley, who was out with her boyfriend, most likely getting nailed, although Stan flipped out whenever his blonde haired friend stated that likelihood.
The raven haired boy shut the television off and yawned. "It's getting late dude, what do you want to do now?" He queried Kenny, who had his hood down, revealing his blonde hair and bright blue eyes that were very rarely ever put on display.
"Isn't this Kyle's phone?" Kenny asked picking up a red droid off of the dresser.
"Yeah, he left it here yesterday when we hung out. I still have to give it to him." Stan explained. Kenny smirked and already a shiver ran down Stan's spine, knowing that the blonde's mischievous grin could only mean bad news.
"Kenny, what are you thinking?"
The other boy's eyes lit up. "We should totally send fake texts to Cartman, he'll think that it's Kyle."
Stan grimaced. "No way Kenny, it's late and I'm not in the mood to deal with that fatass." Kenny's smug smirk only grew. "Relax, we're just going to text him, it's not like we have to hear his voice. Come on it will be funny, and there's nothing else to do anyway."
Stan pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed in defeat. "Alright fine, but make it quick."
Kenny scrolled down the list of names in Kyle's phone and went down to F, where Cartman was filed under "fatass". The blonde chuckled and sent a message that read: Hey Cartman, what's up?
"You think he's still awake?" Stan asked. "Fuck yeah, Cartman usually stays up half the night, why do you think he gets up so late?"
Meanwhile at Cartman's house, the brown haired male sat on his couch in the living room, eyes glued to a documentary about a Neo Nazi gang in a local prison.
"God these guys are so bad ass." Cartman proclaimed to himself, shoving handfuls of popcorn into his pudgy mouth.
Several bags of cheesy poofs were scattered across his red jacket, and about a dozen soda cans were strewn throughout the room.
He felt his phone vibrate and his eyes bulged when he found it was Kyle texting him. "What the hell does the Jew want? Cartman muttered angrily under his breath, snatching the phone into his chubby hands and reading the message that was sent to him.
Upon reading it he grumbled in annoyance and typed a response back.
Leave me alone Jew boy, I'm busy.
Kenny snickered at the response. Typical reply for Cartman. "Kenny, what do you plan on doing?" Stan asked curiously.
"Oh, you'll see, it'll be priceless." He replied, typing another response to Eric.
Cartman felt his phone vibrate once again and when he saw it, his eyes nearly bulged out of their sockets, it read:
Cartman, I just wanted to tell you that I'm madly in love with you.
"Dude, this has to be a fucking joke. Kyle probably thinks he's really funny." He snarled, typing back immediately.
Nice try Jew, please fuck off.
Stan also read the reply this time and groaned. "Kenny, this is a waste of time, just stop."
"No way Stan, this will get good, trust me." He responded, laughing as he sent the new message.
Cartman, I just wanted to tell you that I find you very sexy. No matter how much he tried to act repulsed and disgusted, against his own will Cartman's cheeks flushed a very light pink. It was hard to see, but it was there.
"Goddamnit, I've had enough of this crap!" He shouted, angrily texting a reply.
Kyle, If you don't stop texting me I will rip your nuts off.
Kenny read the reply, and laughed heartily, knowing what Cartman's one major weakness was. The reason why Cartman loved harassing Kyle was due to the fact that almost all of the time, Kyle would respond to his insults with anger. However, if Kyle ignored the insults and was kind and polite to Cartman, that would drive the brunette crazy.
Kenny sent yet another, and Stan was growing impatient at this point.
Cartman gritted his teeth and looked like he wanted to kill someone upon feeling his phone vibrate.
Why are you being so mean to me Cartman? I love you.
Enraged, Cartman's fat digits moved at the speed of light, desperately trying to put the redhead in his place.
Well guess what? I hate you! So stop fucking texting me!
"Kenny, just give up, this is pointless!" Stan shouted, losing his patience. "No way Stan, I got this, just give me time."
The blonde typed out and sent a new message.
I want to make love to you so bad, Cartman.
Cartman's jaw dropped and he couldn't believe what his eyes were seeing. His anger was now being replaced with disbelief.
Sick! That's fucking gross dude, I'm not gay. But I should have known you were a fag. Cartman smirked and giggled to himself, as if he had just made the best comeback in history or something.
Unfortunately for him, Kenny was two steps ahead and he quickly typed back a reply.
Yep, I always have been. I love men.
Cartman was stunned, he could hardly register what he was reading.
WHAT? Are you being seriously? Both Kenny and Stan were laughing at this point, getting great amusement from Cartman's reaction.
Kenny continued to laugh his ass off as he sent another text message to the brunette.
I'm being totally seriously, honey. I love cock and male ass.
Upon reading the new text, Cartman was becoming confused and flustered. His heart beat also seemed to increase, and he felt as if he were sweating. He typed back as quickly as he could, licking his upper lip.
Holy shit, sick. Do your parents know? Your uptight Jew bitch mom is probably pissed.
Tears started to roll down Stan and Kenny's faces, in fact Stan was worried that they would wake up his parents with how hard they were laughing. Kenny sent yet another message, laughing hysterically as he typed it out.
Yeah they already know I love taking it up the ass.
Cartman's cheeks grew a darker shade of pink at the vulgarity of the messages. He was still in a state of awe that Kyle would be saying such things.
Christ, too much information. Did you tell Stan and Kenny this?
"Oh shit Stan, now he brought us up, what should I say?" Kenny asked, wiping tears from his eyes. "Just tell him that we're okay with it." Stan replied, his throat becoming hoarse from laughing so hard and so much.
Yeah, they already know, they're cool with it.
Cartman shook his head a few times, he felt as if he were dreaming, the situation was so surreal. Nevertheless, he managed to punch in another message.
Wow, I can't believe this, this is so fucked up.
Kenny and Stan simultaneously howled with laughter, they laughed so hard it began to physically hurt.
"Jesus, who knew messing with Cartman would be so much fun?" Stan exclaimed, grasping his chest as if for dear life.
"I told you Stan" Kenny said in between peals of wild laughter, "this would totally pay off." Kenny typed out yet another text, and it seemed with each one he typed, he began to send them out faster and faster.
Believe it sweetheart. I love you so much, I want you to take me Cartman, I want your cock inside of me.
"Shit Kenny, that's so perverted!" Stan shrieked in amusement. "I know Stan, that's the point."
Stan took off his hat and ran a hand through his wavy black hair. "Fuck, I would pay money to see Cartman's face right now." Stan said, a grin just as big as Kenny's now adorning his face.
Cartman's face was red at this point and he started to feel a fluttering sensation in his chest. He both loved and despised the feeling at the same time. The brown haired male's dick was also beginning to harden as much as he didn't want it to. "Come on Eric, get a grip on yourself, you're not a faggot, you love women!"
"No you don't." A tiny child like voice teased. Hovering above him was Cupid Me, giggling with hearts flying around his head.
Cartman glared at him. "Fuck off Cupid Me!" He hissed, flipping him the bird. He then sent another message.
Ewwwwwww. I love pussy, not dick. Keep dreaming.
"He is SO in denial." Kenny giggled. "Yeah, I know right?" Stan laughed as the blonde eagerly responded to the obese teenager.
You don't even like my dick? :(
Cartman tried to ignore his Cupid self and his groin which was promptly filling with warm blood as he typed a new statement.
Fuck no Kyle, that's nasty. Besides I hate you.
"Yep, definitely in denial." Kenny teased, as Stan's heavy laughter failed to subside.
But I love you Eric, please love me back.
"Awwwww, Kyle is so cute and adorable Eric, how could you be so cruel to a gorgeous hunk of man like that?" Cupid Me said giggling like a naughty school girl.
"That's it!" The fat boy yelled, getting up off the couch and retrieving a kitchen knife from one of the kitchen drawers. Cupid Me gasped in horror and Cartman impaled Cupid Me with it, sending him falling to the ground.
"Go to hell!" He shouted at the corpse. Cartman was tempted to call Kyle, but he didn't know if he could deal with having to listen to that sultry, slutty voice that he had in his head. He would probably cum in his pants if he heard it.
Do you have feelings for Stan or Kenny? Kenny's bright blue eyes lit up. "Oh, I think little Eric here is jealous." Kenny said in a sing song voice. "Oh man, this is too good." Stan replied, loving every moment of the situation. "I don't want to break Eric's heart…. Yet." Kenny laughed as he typed his response and hit the send button.
Oh no, I only have eyes for you babe. I want you so bad.
The brown eyed boy's heart felt as if it were going to explode any second. Just then, Cupid Me rose back up and was as cheerful as ever. "Sorry, Eric but as hard as you try, you can't kill me, after all, I'm just a schizophrenic illusion brought on by the fact that you have a fucked up conscience." Cupid Me chuckled.
"Please, go away…." Cartman practically begged. He hadn't felt this emotionally week since his mom brought in that cunt Cesar Millan for his baby sitter.
"I'll make a deal with you silly willy, I'll go away for awhile but only if you admit that you have feelings for Kyle."
Cartman looked appalled. "No way, he's a filthy goody good Jew rat, I'd rather stick my dick into a blender than into him." He snarled.
Cupid Me only continued to giggle, the eerie smile never leaving his face. "Come on Eric, I know you love him, after all, I'm part of your conscience, teehee."
"Goddamnit, I said no!" Cartman whined, sounding like his ten year old self again, rather than eighteen.
Liane's voice sounded from upstairs. "Eric, sweetie, is everything okay down there?" She asked calmly.
"Fine mom!" Cartman called back up to her as if the whole ordeal never happened.
"Fine Eric, if you don't admit you're true feelings for him, I'll just sing. "Oh Kyle, how I want to hold you in my arms and kiss you…"
"Alright fine!" Cartman yelled, waving Cupid Me away. The brunette literally had to force himself to type the following message.
Okay, I still love chicks but you interest me now. "Dude, what the fuck does that mean?" Kenny laughed, practically shoving the phone into Stan's face so he could also see it. "I have no clue, but respond to him quickly though before he catches on."
Ooooooh how so sexy?
Cartman groaned, for some reason nearly feeling humiliated at this point. He gulped as his pudgy fingers once more walked across the small keypad of the phone.
Well, believe it or not no one has ever really had romantic feelings for me.
"Gee, I wonder why, maybe because you're a fat, egotistical, narcissistic, anti -Semitic, sexist, loud mouth bigot." Kenny exclaimed as he read the comment.
"I almost feel bad for Kyle, what if Cartman tries to molest him or something?" Stan laughed, face bright red and coated with tears.
Kenny ignored the comment so he could type his response, as he was beginning to become tired, as was Stan, who yawned loudly.
That's all about to change soon, sugar.
Cartman licked his lips, they were becoming dry for some stupid reason…
My god this is a lot to take in.
More shrieks of laughter escaped the blonde's gut, and Kenny and Stan both knew they would be laughing about this for the next couple days.
I'm touching myself to pictures of you right now Cartman ;)
Upon seeing this message, Cartman's penis bulged and was seriously trying to split his pants. He imagined Kyle's forest green eyes lidded with lust. He imagined Kyle's body lied across his bed, spread eagle. Eric fantasized about Kyle's hand working his hot cock, fingers teasing his tight, puckered entrance as he moaned his name. "Oh Cartman!" "Oh, please be gentle!"
Cartman literally had to battle with himself not to reach into his boxers and stroke himself to climax right there.
Well, if it makes you feel any better, I'm kind of turned on right now. When Kenny's eyes saw the words on the screen of the droid, now the sole light illuminating Stan's, dark black room, his bowls almost released. "No. Fucking. WAY." Kenny exclaimed, his head spinning.
Stan's eyes were as wide as dinner plates, he couldn't believe what he was seeing. "He's actually hot for Kyle?" That explains a lot."
"This is so fucked up, I need to rest." Kenny moaned quickly typing: I know, so am I Eric.
Are you doing anything tomorrow, Kyle? The new message popped up nearly a split second later.
"This is so fucking nasty!" Kenny said, making a face.
Mhmhmh no, why do you ask?
You want to come over? Maybe play a few…. Games? :) Stan also read the message this time and both of them had to try with all their might to keep their lunch up. Kenny typed in the last message for the night and both boys went to sleep a few minutes later, their minds filled with the events of the past hour and a half.
Sure thing love, just call me on my house phone first thing tomorrow morning. Goodnight, sweetie, I'll be thinking of you all night. XOXOXOXOXO
Cartman sighed in relief, pulling his pants and underwear down and grasping his dick in his hand. He only had to stroke the lubed up shaft a few times before he began cumming and screaming, white semen pumping onto the living room floor.
"Tomorrow is going to be so sweet." Cartman grinned to himself, wiping up his load and heading upstairs for a cold shower.
The following morning Kenny slowly climbed out of bed and realized Cartman had sent him a message about an hour after they had went to bed for the night. It read:
My cock is so hard thinking about tomorrow, can't wait.
"Ughghghg, what have I gotten myself into?" Kenny groaned, placing his face into his hands.
Kyle Broflovski awoke slowly as he peeled his blue comforter off of his lithe frame and headed into the bathroom, urinating and then brushing his teeth.
Once he had finished flossing and gargling his mother was calling him.
"Bubela, telephone!" She yelled. Kyle rubbed sleep from his eyes and ran a comb gently through his vibrant red curls before heading down the stairs.
"Who is it?" he asked, his voice still soaked with sleep. "It's that Eric Cartman boy."
Kyle snapped to full attention, he was definitely awake now. This could only be bad. The redhead closed his eyes in frustration and braced himself as he picked up the phone.
"Hey babe, you still remember our conversation from last night?" Cartman asked in the most sultry, husky voice he could manage.
Kyle nearly dropped the phone. "What the fuck are you talking about?" He snapped. For the first time in his life, Cartman felt hurt. It was without a doubt a new feeling for him, and it felt is if a razor sliced open his heart. Of couse, being Eric Cartman, he couldn't let his true feelings be revealed.
"What do you mean? Don't you remember all the dirty things you said to me last night you slutty Jew?"
Kyle's green eyes were flashing with rage now. "I didn't even talk to you last night, so if this is some kind of a joke, I don't find it funny, fuck off." Click. With that, he hung up.
Cartman stood in his kitchen, paralyzed with shock.
"What the fuck just happened?" He asked himself, ready to snap someone's neck.
Liane walked up to him.
"Eric sweetie, aren't you going to eat your pancakes?" "Not now Mom, I'm going over to Stan's I have to talk to him about something." Cartman huffed.
Before his mother could finished the sentence, the brown eyed teen was out the door. A few minutes later he arrived at Stan's house and knocked on the door.
He was greeted by the sight of Sharon Marsh, who was still in her white silky pajamas.
"Is Stan home?"
Sharon smiled warmly at him. "No Eric, he told me that Kenny and him were going over to Kyle's house, apparently Kyle left his phone here a couple days ago."
Cartman felt as if the world were exploding around him as the awfulness of what had happened finally dawned on him.
"That fucking sonofabitch!" Cartman shouted at the top of his lungs, sounding like a madman as he dashed to Kyle's house.
To Be Continued...
This story is either going to be two chapters or three, I haven't decided yet. I'll post the next chapter though when this one gets some reviews. Please review or else the dog gets it! (Puts gun to dog's head). Constructive criticism is welcome, but please no flames. Thanks.