Title: Lead Me Not into Temptation
Disclaimer: I own nada and make nada. Inuyasha and crew belong to someone else.
Pairings: Sesshomaru/Inuyasha and others mentioned.
Warnings: Moderate to heavy humor, adult content, homosexual relations, AU, urban/southern blend, out of character attitudes, NO mpreg, religious content, sexual contact in church (lord forgive me), deception. If none of these appeal to you, seek another plot elsewhere.
Summary: All eyes should be focused straight ahead on the preacher's word. I should be learning about how to get saved and how to live a life free of sin. Instead I'm sitting in the second row of pews taking a Uke test on a cell phone with my friends. I just found out I'm a Badass Uke and— when I look up I see Sesshomaru blowing kisses. Yeah I see you watching me you Sadistic Seme.
Author's Rant: For goodness sakes, I'm supposed to be freaking sleep but this is what happens when the writing bug keeps itching. But it'll only be a short shory.
Thou Shall Not Be Tempted
Ever since I was thirteen I've done my best to get right with God. I mean puberty had most young men my age erupting with enough heat to get ten girls pregnant. No, I wasn't exempt from the rule but I had better control. Whenever I saw someone sexy walk passed my hormones would start barking and I'd do what any sane Christian man would.
Find the closest bathroom and let the devil have his way for two minutes then repent.
Now at seventeen I was all about willpower, control and ordinance. I was my father's shining star and my mother's prized example to the other young men in Antioch Missionary Baptist Church. My father, that's him there, was sitting in the Deacon section dressed in a sharp cream suit and brown croc skin shoes to match his brown vast. He was Pastor InuTaisho's right hand man and recently promoted Head Deacon of the church. Everyone knew my father because Takemaru was the kind of man everyone looked up too and if they weren't confident in the pastor's word, my daddy was always there to assure them not to frit. His word was always sound.
Then you had my mother, the ever lovely woman dressed in blood red dress, red pumps, umbrella sized red hat, and red clutch in her hands, nodding to every word her pastor said and speaking every so often with an Amen, or Praise him. My mother and two others were neatly filed beside the pastor's first lady and the two other deacon's wives. As my father was Pastor InuTaisho's right hand, my mother was First Lady Mikoto's left hand. Oh they were a sharp pair, like a couple of razors hidden beneath rose petals. They kept the organization of Antioch impeccably showy. The women were to represent delicate flowers and the men should always keep a constant dominance extruded with an upright appearance.
The ushers kept the church divided in a uniform fashioned. Teenagers sat towards the front right corner because we were the most at risk to be caught up in the devil's temptations. Preteens took up the rear behind us. Then to our left were the small stack of children, to society's surprise, more tamed then the preteen section and then there were the rest of the adults lined along the back of the pews until not a seat was left vacant.
And lastly of course you had the perfect choir settled behind the Pastor's Alter. The Sopranos, The Monotones and The Baritones dressed in silk cotton cream robes and emerald green ribbons and chords. They were led by Choir Director Kikyo with a voice that could melt metal into gold I swear—excuse me I promise. Can't swear in here, you'd likely get your butt struck with sixty kinds of lightning.
Oh shoot, excuse me, I'm sitting here introducing you to the church and I only gave you a little bit about myself. Firstly my name is Inuyasha, I'm one of three hanyous in here. I turned seventeen last week and I'm in line to take place by my father's side as a deacon on Sundays and a firefighter on the others when I graduated high school. I'm very sociable but I treat my friends like a tree. You have your leaves, twigs, branches, trunk and roots. But they're people you'll learn about later on. Only a couple of them mattered.
The first was the man by my side Miroku, wearing the same kind of polo vest and pressed khaki pants, except his plaid colors were royal blue and white compared to my fire engine red and cream. Then there was my other rock, Hakudoshi. Now he was something of a smart mouth but it's that personality that ties us to him. Out of the three of us, you'd least catch him looking any kind of way. He matched from the stitching in his clothes down to his shoe laces. He stayed in suits as much as possible.
We'd been friends since diapers, go to school together, talk together, hang together and the two were currently trying to convince me that I should take some crazy test to see what kind of top or bottom I'd be.
"You two gonna get us in trouble," I hissed when the hymn started the beginning of service.
Hakudoshi flicked his wrist like a fly was buzzing near his hair, "We won't get in trouble if you hurry up and take the bloody test. Look I just took it and it said I was a Flaming Uke. Apparently I'm outgoing, sexy, and intuitive with a rather flamboyant and egocentric personality because I'm self-assured and bossy."
The nail couldn't be hammered harder than that. The description fit Hakudoshi down to his intuitive personality.
"What did it say you were?" I couldn't help asking Miroku because knowing him, he'd get something out of this world.
Miroku gave a puzzled crunch of his eyebrows and turned to face us, "I'm inclined to think this test is based on some disturbingly inaccurate results."
"It says here I'm a Dramatic Uke, which is absolutely absurd because I'm nowhere near manipulative, sensual, and secretive. But I'll claim the intelligence, and expert on human emotions." Miroku sighed. "Oh well, I had hoped this'd work."
"Are you kiddin'? That is you, all the way down to your dramatic tendencies," Said Hakudoshi. "Who else in here openly flirts with guys in church? In church! You've been spared the rod enough times to make a cage. You never get caught so I call that manipulative, sensual and secretive."
"Amen," I grumbled because Miroku's results were exactly right. Only me and Haku knew about his sexual exploits with some of the boys in our section and dare it be true one of the older boys in the choir. I bet seven scriptures that he slept with that sleazy college student Naraku. I know he did. I know it.
But now curiosity was eating me up. What would I be considered when I took the test? Something innocent I know because I'm not the type to sleep around with anyone. Not that it was anyone's business but I was as pure holy water.
That's right, ain't a speck of dirt in my water and my mama always said never let a man sip it unless he planned on refilling the cup.
Poor Miroku's had no water left. His glass was toppling over in mud, dirt and sweat. Hakudoshi . . . well he can sit there and pretend he was all innocent but I know he did something dirty.
"Let us stand."
The entire church rose with the raise of the pastor's hands as we bowed our heads for prayer and repeat of the Lord's Prayer. I kept my head bowed and, lord forgive me, but my mind was straying to other things. I'm really wondering what I'd be. I didn't see all the categories and the matching semes. I could take the test. They said it wouldn't take but a hot minute right? What was I gonna miss in that little bit of time?
Besides Mama and Daddy would be too busy to notice that I wasn't paying attention. Shoot, I deserved a break. Besides our house, this was my other home because we practically lived here. I think I'm entitled to some extra credit.
The church chorused a unison, "Amen," after the preacher and settled back in place.
I whipped out my phone and started pecking at the code to let me into the internet. "What's the website called?" I asked.
"It'll take you forever to get to the site with your slow phone. Just use mine," Hakudoshi said, handing me his better looking touch screen.
Thou shall not envy best friend's phone because thee shall beat him with a handgun outside of church.
I told mama to buy me that new apple but noooooo, I have to be an example for the rest of the young men.
The test was already out for me. This site looked sinful, like some kind of gothic web for devil worshipers or something. Oh well. I started answering them and each time I had to think and stare because of some of these questions were way bloody out there.
Do you enjoy licking things? Uh, do what? What kind of question is that?
Have you ever bought hair dye for yourself? Of course not. As fine as I am who needs to wreck perfection?
Have you ever tied someone up? I wonder if Miroku counts.
Have you ever been tied up? Hakudoshi did that one time but we were playing Pirates of the Caribbean.
What kind of shoes do you wear? What does that have to do with me being seme or uke?
Would you feel guilty for taking advantage of someone? I really don't think I would.
Your weapon of choice? Why is Rainbow power a choice on here?
Do you have any piercings? Well, I don't think mama knows about that time I got my nipple pierced. I got rid of it thank goodness.
Alcohol? Ok I had a sip of something outta Daddy's cabinet but that was only a couple of times.
What kind of vehicle do you drive? Again what does this have to do with my seme/uke status?
How do you eat your ice cream? Oh my.
What gift would you give your partner? I'm romantic but shoot I'm kind of selfish so probably just slap a ribbon on my head and say "here."
What's your ideal pet? Shoot I don't know.
How do you order at a restaurant? WHAT. DOES. THAT. HAVE. TO. DO. WITH. ME. BEING. A. SEME. OR. UKE?
The server brings you the wrong food. What do you do? I'd probably be pissed.
You catch someone checking out your partner. You: Well that's a problem because no one has any business looking at my partner.
Your dream occupation: What—where do these folks get these wacky answers? A pole dancer? For real?
What's your favorite accessory? Uhhh yeah. . .
What costume would you wear to a masquerade? Not answering that one.
What kind of music do you listen to? I listen to everything.
Do you usually find yourself on top or bottom? Knowing me . . . probably bottom.
Ok that takes care of answering all those crazy questions. Now to submit my answers. I already know I'm going to be a uke. Knowing me it'll either be innocent or clueless because I'm such a role model innocence for my fellow males.
Hakudoshi suddenly grabbed my arm and gave a crazy shake that knocked the phone on the bench, "Look, look, look, the choir's about to sing."
I glanced up. The church rose just as the choir did and there, standing on the right in the third row was my sinful crush.
I strongly believe God made it possible to test everyone's willpower because I have yet to see a Pastor's son that wasn't fine, but no one and I mean no one, has ever compared to the grace, elegance and downright red hot sexiness that was Sesshomaru. When I said Choir Director Kikyo could change steel to gold, well, let's just say Sesshomaru could melt chocolate with half a smile. I mean, it'd be one of those heat lamp smiles that shot a wave of "oh mercy" down your spine. He was everything a person wanted in a man.
Polished good looks, splendid manners, a voice made to start bon fires—I'm sorry I got a thing for men with deep, smooth voices—, and that body. I shivered at the memory of touching it. We had to fellowship about a hundred Sundays and when we reached each other my arms were wrapping around a massive wall of brimstone. I felt every ligament in his chest, arms, legs, neck, there wasn't a part on his body that didn't have muscles.
And that hair. . . I've always had a thing for men with long hair. I just wanted to run my claws through it and see if it was as soft and silk as it looked under the ceiling lights and if his eyes were really that amber. Me and Miroku argued they were honey hazel, but I'm saying amber.
Did I mention he could blow? Yes, Sesshomaru could sing the scales off a fish. I loved when he led songs. It was about the only time I'd catch myself being so into the music. Oh and he was tall too. Really tall. For the sake of the other men and the church ceiling they hoped he stopped growing.
Miroku elbowed my ribs, "He's lookin' at you."
I blinked because I was staring off at the backdoors, daydreaming, "Who?"
My stomach landed somewhere under the pews. Was he really? Did I do something wrong? I glanced up and sure enough those smoking liquid eyes were staring directly at me. Something just leapt into me my pants and I don't think it was the Holy Ghost.
What was he smiling about? Ohhhh and it was that smile he did with one side of his mouth because it was like the other half of his lips couldn't take up the weight. That crooked smile only showed a little of his Colgate smile but I could hear that gleam, sparkle, sparkle.
Be still my beating heart and other organs because I will not show my colors in church.
The baritones started to sway and carry on the next part of Wade in the Water. Thank you God because you know the flesh is oh so weak.
"Hmph, I just wish I had two minutes with him. Just two, I'd give him anything he wanted."
All of my whipped to my other shoulder as I turned around to snap, "You better now be talkin' about—"
"Please," Hakudoshi rolled his eyes. "You're the only one who wants that dog. I'm talking about Koga."
Oh yeah, I forgot Hakudoshi's been sporting a very unhealthy crush on the drummer and believe me it was completely understandable. 6'2, body carved from bronze and when he spoke, yes he had that gruffness that came from his soul. Koga was a master with his sticks snapping beats off his stair set. If I went for the traditionally rugged type and dark skin, I'd go for Koga but he was too wild for me. I needed them to be a bit more tamed and subtle.
If Haku kept swooning he was going to land on the floor. "He's just too sexy."
"He's too old for you."
"He is not. What's seventeen compared to twenty three?"
"A trip to Metro," Answered Miroku. "Wait until you get of age sweetheart. That's when you can join the big boys." Miroku licked his lips and winked at one of the choir boys and who boldly returned it with an added kiss. Yep, I knew it. I knew Miroku and Naraku were knocking boots.
I couldn't talk. I was in the same boat as Haku. Sesshomaru had four years on me and a college life. He wasn't going to see me as anything but a pretty piece of jail bait. It wouldn't hurt for him to take a little nibble though.
I wouldn't say a word.
"God's gonna trouble the water." The choir ended their song on the last verse and bowed.
The church erupted from front to back with claps, waving hands and the pastor's voice booming for the church to say amen. When I took my seat, I had this habit of looking in the choir stands and just as I did, I was frozen in place.
Sesshomaru's shiny eyes were on me again. My throat dried so fast I had to cough some moisture in and my eyes widened incredulously as I stared as helpless as a mouse unable to escape the diving hawk. I sliced my eyes from side to side to lose the contact but sure enough when I looked again he was definitely trying to pour alcohol on my flame.
Why oh why?
Why do you keep staring at me you piece of the devil's crotch? Don't you understand why those licking questions are asked on the websites? It's because of oversized temptations like you.
"Oh Lord, help me," I whispered and immediately turned to face the pulpit. Why was he toying with me like that? Somebody probably told him I had a crush on him and like the animalistic, sadistic playboy he was, he was going to use that to his advantage and try to get in my drawers.
But you can't have my booty, ya hear? Because it's my booty. Mine!
Sesshomaru licked his lips and puckered his lips in a quick kiss.
I focused on the preacher just in time, ". . . and thou shall never allow themselves to be weaseled into the hands of dogs."
"Amen!" I shouted with some of the other members. "Preach it pastor! Yes!" Now, take that you gigantic stick of evil.
I flat out ignored Sesshomaru as much as I could. All his sudden flirty gestures, his bouncy eyebrows and how he'd cleverly avert his eyes forward when any of the elders looked his way. Unfortunately it was like he put some kind of spell on my neck, head and shoulders because I'd keep going back to where he sat and stare.
"Inuyasha what did your results say?" Said Hakudoshi.
"Oh, yeah, yeah, I didn't check, hold on." Finally, something to keep my mind off of Sesshomaru's mental strip tease. I'd dropped Hakudoshi's phone by my hip when we stood earlier. I flipped it over and handed it to him to recode it open. The screen flashed right to the results and to my shock I was stunned.
It wasn't either clueless or innocent uke.
I was a Badass Uke. "The hell—I mean heck?" Nobody heard me. "I'm a Bad A Uke."
The information states this below and I quote I'm as stunned as some of you might be.
Sensual, rebellious, and intuitive, the Badass Uke can truly be a work of contrasts – an innocent appearance clothed in dark clothing, and a shy smile with eyes that suggest a naughty, darker nature. They are at once easy and hard to approach, as their energy draws people to them, while their intensity and distrust pushes people away… for maybe more than any other personality, the Badass Uke hides away deep in a fantasy world of their own creation, letting few, if any, in. Searching for the one person able to understand their need for something more, someone to protect them and share that mysterious world with them, the Badass Uke can seem lost and wandering, their loneliness sometimes reflecting an inner anger – as they cannot be content until they have been found and claimed, sensually and emotionally.
Lies! All lies! That's not me in the least!
"Whoa, that's you alright," Miroku said after he checked it out. "Oh yeah, that's you. You think you act innocent but babe we can smell the sin when you stare at Sesshomaru. Those eyes say take me Sesshomaru and fuck the Ten Commandments out of my mouth. Excuse me God."
"Shhhh," I flagged his mouth shut and looked around to be sure we had no eavesdroppers because Sango was a known gossip. This was horrible. Me? I was a Badass Uke? How could that be? I'm not, what was it, sensual, rebellious, naughty and intuitive. "I do not think like that."
"Sesshomaru doesn't mind doing the devil's work," Miroku felt the stupid need to tell me. "I can see his chops ready to chew your bone."
"Lord spare us the lightning thy strikes on the potty mouths." Me and Hakudoshi scooted a foot away from Miroku. But my eyes strained back to Sesshomaru right before we went into benediction. He had his eyes close except one and it was centered on me.
Something plucked my harp string and had it vibrating down to my crotch. Oh damn you to hell you wicked demon.
However I felt my inner Badass Uke sneaking up on me. Maybe I was a Badass Uke.
Because I think I'd know my match when I saw him.
When Sesshomaru looked my way, I dared a wink back and his smile spread like a shark.
Yeah that's right. I can play that game too you Sadistic Seme.
TBC: Watch yourself Inuyasha. I don't think that's the kind of sin you want lol. So is anyone interested in how this sin plays out? ^_^