1. Soldier Tzu said: The art of war is of importance to the State, maggot.

2. It is a matter of life and death, a road either to victory or to defeat. It is therefore a subject of inquiry which can not be neglected.

3. The art of war is governed by seven things.

4. These are: (1) The Moral Law; (2) Maggots; (3) Heaven; (4) Earth; (5) Rockets; (6) The Commander; (7) Method and discipline.

5,6. The MORAL LAW causes the people to be in complete accord with me, so that they will follow me regardless of their lives, undismayed by any danger.

7. You are a MAGGOT.

8. HEAVEN is night and day, cold and heat, times and seasons.

9. EARTH includes distances, great and small; danger and security; open ground and narrow passes; the chances of life and me beating you up for losing.

10. I fire ROCKETS at maggot scum.

11. The COMMANDER stands for the virtues of wisdom, sincerity, benevolence, courage and strictness. It is also ME!

12. By METHOD AND DISCIPLINE are to be understood the marshalling of you in your pathetic subdivisions, my graduations of rank, the maintenance of weapons by which you can fight, and my control of you.

13. These seven things should be familiar to every maggot: he who knows them will be victorious under me; he who knows them not will fail me.

14. Therefore when seeking to determine the military conditions, let them be a basis of comparison, in this way:

15. (1) Am I imbued with the Moral law? (2) How able am I? (3) With whom lie the advantages derived from Heaven, Rocket, and Earth? (4) On this team, is discipline being rigorously enforced? (5) Which of my arms is stronger? (6) On which side are maggots more highly trained? (7) In which team is there the greater constancy both in reward and punishment?

16. By means of these seven considerations I force you to victory.

17. The men that listens to me and acts upon my orders will conquer: do not fail me! The men that doesn't listen to my orders nor acts upon them will be eaten by Communists: let such a one have this fate!

18. While listening to my orders, work harder!

19. According as circumstances that are favourable, one should eat more ribs.

20. All warfare is based on me kicking your sorry ass to the front lines.

21. When able to attack, we must seem unable; when using you, we must seem inactive; when you are near, we must make the enemy believe we are far away; when far away, you must make him believe we are near.

22. Hold out baits to entice communists. Feign disorder, and crush them.

21. If he has secured all the points, you have failed me. If he is in superior strength, fire rockets at him.

22. If your opponent is of drunk Scottish origin, seek to steal his scrumpy. Taunt often, so he may grow angry.

23. If he is taking his ease, give him no rest. If his forces are united, separate him from baseball.

24. Attack him where he is unprepared, appear where you are not expected and stop him sniping us.

25. The military devices of the Toymaker, leading to victory, can not be built before exiting re-spawn.

26. The men who win battles makes follow those instructions. The men who lose battles did not follow the instructions. Therefore, obeying my commands leads to victory, and not obeying to defeat: how much more no following at all! It is by attention to my commands that I can foresee that we will win.