obviously, like the first one of this series, the humour is seriously dry and offensive. so be aware of that - even though i didnt warn for my type of pretty dry humour, i'm warning you now and since humour is subjective, you might not find half the stuff they say funny at all. or you might totally love it. anyway, so here is the new series. this is following "The First, Second & Forty-Eighth Time" after they established a relationship. this is just Kurt trying to diet - of course, failing miserably so an Sebastian being a dick, like he always is.
you don't have to read the first one to get this one. definitely not. you'll totally catch on because nothing really happened in the first one. all you need to know is that Sebastian and Kurt were fuck buddies and now, are in a relationship. that's just about it. oh and Sebastian's Mother is trying to get them to marry. also, Sebastian has a cat named Blaine. thats just about it i think.
Title: The First, Second & Forty-Eighth Diet
Summary: semi-sequel to The First, Second and Forty-Eight Time. Kurt and Sebastian are dating but here are 47 times Kurt tries to stay on a diet and 1 time he said screw it, and let's demolish a whole cheesecake. Kurtbastian. All dialogue.
"Hummel, no. Don't do it or I swear to the God you don't believe in that I will throw myself on top of Mount Olympus."
"Dear Prada, Sebastian…why are you so against me being on a diet? Is it because I'm beautiful and lovely just the way I am so I don't have to lose an ounce of fat off my body?"
"No, it's because if you go on a diet, then I'd have to eat that disgusting diet crap too. Plus, they don't make diet pizza burgers! I want my fucking meat, preferably fried in a bat of oil and lard."
"…your love for me burns with the fury of a thousand suns. Please stop being so selfless, Sebastian. I would like to explain that when I am on this said diet, you will be allowed to eat as many snacks, and get your own fattening lard-based burger, but yes, I will cook for you during those meals and they will be proper and healthy and no, none of these are being fed to Blaine the cat, or given to Artie or Mike for their projects on radioactive chemistry yet again. Anymore questions?"
"You're on the diet. Why do I get the 'die' part of the diet?"
"Excuse me. You don't know how hard it is for me, okay? I have to come by after Glee, and sit down here and measure cheese. Diet means good, healthy food that I will have to eat and suffer through just to shave off those few pounds. It means that I don't get any Domino's. You don't understand, Sebastian. You've never been in love like I have been before. You don't understand how prepared I am to trade a kidney for anything that is covered in chocolate."
"Good. We're on the same page. No diet it is then! Let's go to Domino's!"
"Sebastian, I'm going on a diet, and you're eating good, nice meals with me made with sesame and olive oil, and we're going to sit on that dining room table, munching on whole-wheat bread and talking about our lovely day."
"How about no thanks?"
"How about cook your own lunch?"
"Remember last time I cooked Blaine lunch?"
"That was not cooking—that was trying to find out the formulae for a slow, horrendous suicide—and I still wonder how you managed to give Blaine food poisoning for the better part of two months!"
"Kurt, Kurt, I've got an idea. What if I cook for you and you end up throwing up everything you eat and you can still have all the cheesecake you want since it's not gonna stay in anyway and in two months, you'd have lost twenty pounds! Just look at Blaine! Completely gorgeous if you look past the fact that you can see half his ribcage!"
"…you're offering me a form of bulimia?"
"You disturb me."
"Don't you think I'm disturbed? I'm pretty sure that the real reason why people die is because they go on diets. Really. You go on, dieting and being happy and healthy and then one day, you have this sudden urge to eat Twinkies until you die just like that episode of Supernatural. You can't die, Hummel—who else am I going to have sex with? The mailman? He's horrible in bed and he smells like greasy armpits."
"…what did I tell you about doing naughty things with the mailman? And apparently, greasy is good according to your logic that every hamburger must be fried into a tub of lard. Dear God, how much crack is your metabolism snorting?"
"I swear I stopped snorting crack five hours ago."
"…Sebastian, how the hell are you even alive?"
"I'm too sexy to die."
"Great, so you will not die eating crappy diet food. Now, come on. I already made lunch and I want your opinion on salad."
"…you call grass lunch? And I think this vaguely looks like a tomato. Huh. Look at that, Hummel. I've only seen tomatoes on top of pizzas before. They come in cherry versions too. Wow. You learn something new every week."
"…aren't you in school? Shouldn't you be learning something new every day?"
"Well, the teachers keep on seducing me so my poor mind always goes to the gutter. I'm a victim really. I mean, he might do things with me…not that I'd have any objection—"
"…stop checking out Mr Bell's ass, Sebastian."
"…see, Sebastian. I have to be on a diet because I have to have an ass pretty enough for you to ogle."
"Hummel, if you go on a diet, you will starve off your ass and you will die. One day, you will go insane and in the midst of me giving you an epic blow-job, you will pull me away and ask me if I know how many calories there is in semen and I probably just digested five million calories that are going to make me obese and that I will die from a semen attack. Hummel, two things in life that I need: food, and sex. There is no other reason to exist, other than watching Blaine undress."
"…I thought we both agreed that you will stop watching my ex-boyfriend get naked."
"I thought we both agreed that you will stop watching your stepbrother get naked."
"Shh. He does it in front of me."
"I'm sure that's the case and the reason why you accidentally find yourself walking into his room five times when he's undressing because the pills your therapist gave you cause some memory loss and also poor motor skills so it takes you all of the five minutes to get out of his room. That's definitely the case. It's not because you're stalking your beloved stepbrother's buttocks."
"I am not stalking his buttocks."
"Stalking, admiring, taking pictures and/or videos of to masturbate to at night. I'm pretty sure they're all synonyms."
"...Sebastian, are you choking? Oh my Prada, you're choking!"
-Cue three minutes of hysteria as Kurt tries to push the cherry tomato out of Sebastian's mouth-
"Yeah, Sebastian? Are you alive?"
"…'good health' just went all kinky breath play on my throat! Good health tried to kill me!"
"You've over exaggerating…"
"I was choking on that huge shit thing! And stop giggling! I nearly died because of the juices on that thing!"
"…that's what smirky meerkat said."
xo Peanut Butter/Sam