my laptop has finally been fixed. sorta. i do have an ability to update things now whereas before, i could not, so here is the next chapter. for those that dont' know, my laptop died.


Chapter 8

Vegan Discussions


"Sebastian, did you try to sabotage my diet by adding three rolls of deliciously buttered rolls on my plate?"

"Why would you say that?"

"…because nobody else tries to sabotage my diet but you and myself sometimes?"

"I was not the culprit to your diet sabotage. I would never touch butter. Who knows what animal has been tortured to extract that butter?"

"Sebastian, firstly, you use cream as an ingredient when you are making butter. Yes, cream is derived from your precious cow, but your cow was not tortured in the process. No udder has been harmed in the making of said milk. I don't think you can abuse an udder."

"Really? What the fuck was the guy who was inventing milk doing to the cow then? Did he decide to suck down there just to quell his mind? We're praising a fucking sexually obsessed beast here."

"Is he your cousin?"

"I refuse to be related to this udder abuser. Motherfucker, if he wanted to suck something resembling a nipple—"

"Okay, now. This all spun because I mentioned buttered bread. I should never do that again. It's a reminder to stick to my diet."

"It's easier to go to the moon and back than for you to stick to your diet."

"Thanks for your eternal support."

"I hope when you're done with your attempts at losing weight that you decide to reward your efforts with a trip to Dairy Queen."

"I'm pretty sure Dairy Queen abuses udders too. They're not very vegan friendly."

"Fuck cows. Who cares? I want fries."

"You just told the guy not to fuck cows, now you're telling him that he is allowed to have as much sexual intercourse with said cow?"

"Hummel, this is a disturbing conversation. I might never drink milk again."

"You're a vegan. You're not supposed to be drinking milk."

"There's that almond shit that Berry got me. And there's that soy shit that you drink because of your allergy to—wait a second, why the hell are you eating buttered shit? You have an allergy to milk and shit."

"Sebastian, have you not noticed that I don't use normal butter, or eat normal cheese, or any of that? Up until now? I say 'butter' because it's a lot easier than saying 'I'm spreading Earth Balance: Soy Garden' on my bread. Perhaps, you want me to say: 'I'm drinking some Silk milk right now!' Or maybe you want me to tell you about how I'm currently eating a delicious serving of Sunergia soy feta! It's easier to just say feta cheese, butter, and milk, Sebastian."

"Even with words, you're lazy. Come on. Tell me exactly what you had for breakfast."

"I had about two pieces of high-fibre bread with Daiya cheese. It's a dairy-free substitute before you say anything."

"What about the bread? What if you die if there's milk on the bread? Fuck you, Hummel. Be careful."

"Sebastian, you don't make bread with milk."

"That's a lie. The bread your Dad bought yesterday was buttermilk—"

"Sebastian, you better be joking."

"No, your face is all red. It's hilarious."

"Out of my house."

"No."

"…fine. Stay away from me."

"But I love you."

"Lies. If you loved me, you wouldn't have let me leave to go to school with a face of me breaking out. Sebastian, how about I murder you?"

"Murder me? For vanity?"

"You'd understand."

"How can I understand if I'm dead, Hummel? Plus, you can't fuck me when I'm dead. It'll be like necrophilia."

"It is necrophilia."

"Do you really want to be a necrophilic, Hummel?"

"At this rate, the thought of fucking your decaying corpse very much arouses me."

"That's actually sexy. Bonnie and Clyde have nothing on us."

"…Sebastian, this conversation is scaring me."

"Your face has scared me countless of times before so it's only fair."

"I hate you."

"Aww. You're so sweet, Hummel."

"How would you know? You're a vegan. Your life is meaningless and bland."

"That one actually hurt."

"…Sebastian?"

"Yeah?'

"I just realised something. Vegans can't eat things extracted from animals. Humans are part of the animal kingdom. There's no way in Hell you're vegan."

"Why?"

"Semen is not vegan, Sebastian."


xo Peanut Butter/Sam