so yeah. hey everyone :D this is my second story here (though I deleted the first one), and the first story I wrote in english *-* so please excuse me for all the mistakes you find..:D I hope this makes you feel ..something. at least I tried to make it as sad as I could ^^ set after season 2 and before season 3, rated T just in case.

and huuuuuge thank to fixusi for pre-reading :*:*:**:*:*

and BTW, sam's POV.



It's all I have.

It's all I can feel.

My headache is killing me. Where am I? Why am I here? All I can see is these weird, white, shining dots dancing in front of my eyes and the ground shaking so badly it's hard to say where it ends and the heaven starts.

The ground.

Or is it just me? I don't know anymore.

I close my eyes.

Hey, wait. I know that voice. I could regonize it anywhere.

It's Dean. He's...yelling? Why is he yelling? Is he hurt?

Oh god, that must be it. He's hurt and he needs me and I'm not fu*cking there!

That's the moment I try to move my legs and open my eyes again.

The same moment I realize I can't. I just can't. My body refuses to do what I want.

I have to get up, Dean needs me!

I have to.

I have- What was that? Someone just touched my hand. I swear, someone touched my hand. Maybe it's the monster we were hunting?

No. No, I killed it. I guess. I can remember now. Somehow.

We were in the middle of some old forest when it noticed us. It went straight towards Dean and I panicked and reacted without thinking twice - I jumped in front of my brother. The thing got me pinned on the ground and..I'm not so sure what happened but I think hit it with that..that long sharp sword-thing, I can't remember its name properly, and then -

Then what?

I don't know.

Dean probably does. If just I could make it and go to him..

Pain. White, shining pain.

New kind of pain. It tears my body and it feels like something's trying to rip me apart. Someone is screaming. It could be Dean. Or me. I don't know.

I don't actually even care.


Voices. It sounds like an explosion, but I know better. It's just a gunfire.

Suddenly there's something big and heavy crushing me and the pain is stronger than ever and I know I'm dying because the pain is so big and it's too much and I can't breathe and it hurts and it shouldn't hurt this much and-

And then it's gone. The heavy -something- is gone and my pain is finally fading away.

That's a good thing, right? It has to be.

It has to be.


It's Dean. He's safe.

He's alive.

"Sam, come on. Time to wake up, you little bit*ch"

Wake up? But I am awake. Or am I?

"Hey, I'm serious, Sam, wake up!"

Stop yelling at me. Opening my eyes would mean I have to face the whole world. And I don't want to.

Not just yet.

"Sam? Sammy?"

Yeah, yeah. I heard you.

"Sammy I swear to God if you don't wake up right the hel*l now I'm gonna kick your as*s so hard you'll never be able to sit on it anymore"

But I feel so warm and safe and I'm sleepy.

"Sam, please"

Someone is sobbing. Not me.

Dean is sobbing.

Dean is sobbing?

Dean? No way, Dean never sobs. Never. Okay, when dad died, he did but only barely so that doesn't count.

And as much as I'd like to just let it be and fall asleep, I know I can't do it. Not now, not before I know what's wrong with my big brother.

And I open my eyes.

And Dean is there.

And he's crying.

"Sam! Sam, you' are, you're not..NO! Don't close your eyes, don't fall asleep. Yeah, I know you want to but not just yet, Sam. Please, not yet."

I'd like to tell Dean it's okay and it's gonna be alright, but I can't make the words come out, no matter how hard I try.

And even if I could, I'm not so sure about that anymore.

So I just focus on breathing and keeping my eyes open. Just, you know, for Dean.

Always for Dean.

Dean's speaking and doubtlessly telling me something fun to keep me awake but I can't work out what he's saying no matter how hard I try. The words are getting mixed together and I can't hear him properly because he's speaking so damn silently.

Or maybe there's something wrong with my ears. Probably.

So I just lie there like some kind of corpse and stare at my big brother. The one I could die for without thinking twice.

I almost laugh out loud, it's just too sarcastic. Because that's exactly what's going to happen, right? I'm going to die and Dean'll be so heartbroken and left alone-

..except he won't because I swear he's going to find some kind of way to bring me back. Again.

That ba*stard.

I can't focus on Dean anymore, my eyes are travelling and I froze to stare at the sky instead. It's pretty. There is so many stars and they're all twinkling like some kind of led lights.

Then I hear Dean's voice clearer than ever. Apparently he figured out I'm not listening to him anymore.

"They're pretty, eh? You know, Sammy, I've kind of always wanted to know exactly how many stars is in there. I'll tell you what; if you promise to keep your eyes open and not to fall asleep, we'll go to that planetarium not far from our motel. How's that sound? Good, huh? Tomorrow. We'll go there tomorrow but only if you promise me not to fall asleep." His voice is so warm and nice and comforting and suddenly my heart overwhelms with love towards my big brother.

I turn my head to make an eye contact with him.

I'm smiling. So is he.

And then I force my mouth open.

"Thank you." My voice is nothing but a raspy whisper, but I don't care. To outsider those two words would probably just mean I'm trying to be kind or friendly, but to Dean and me they include everything else I want, no, need to say but can't make to words. Thank you for being the best big brother ever, for always being there for me, for always having my back no matter what, for trusting me, for saving my life over and over. Thank you for everything.

It may be just my imagination, but suddenly Dean's eyes look a little teary.

"You don't have to thank me for anything", Dean whispers. I blink once. Twice. Thrice. Dean looks so heartbroken and sad and I can hardly keep the tears from falling.

"I'm so sorry", I whisper and then I blink again. And again. And I close my eyes. Just you know, for a moment.

And tomorrow never comes.


haha, done. so what do you think? :) BTW I wasn't sure if this page censures the curse words, so I decided to put that dumb little *- mark in the middle of every curse word. just in case :D sorry if it bothered you.

remember, reviews are pure GOLD..:*