So I thought one day: What the hell gives Gwen the right to be called the Heart of Torchwood? Then I rewatched KKBB. And this beautiful, slightly cracky brainchild was born.

I do not own Torchwood. That honor and privilege belongs to RTD and the BBC.

"Jack?" Ianto called, his voice not its usual light, questioning tone.
"Ianto?" Jack shouted back.
"Could you come down here? I need you for something." As Jack listened closer, he realised that Ianto sounded vaguely angry, bordering on dangerous.
He laughed it off. "I think what you're needing me for might be best served in the privacy of my office. Although, if you want to branch out..." Ianto huffed. He trudged up to Jack's office.
"Not that, Jack." He was holding a pile of papers, which Jack recognised as a report on the members of Torchwood he had written a few days ago. Ianto had been reading over it, because Ianto read over everything. "What the fuck is that line about Gwen about?!"
Jack read the line in question. "Oh, that." He chuckled.
Ianto nearly shouted with anger. "What's funny about that? 'The heart of Torchwood.' You know as we'll as I do Gwen is a manipulative, selfish bitch."
"That she is. I write these for myself, so I tend to use expressions or terms only I would understand."
"Jack, everyone knows what you mean when you say 'stopwatch.'" Ianto sighed.
"The computer's dictation software doesn't. When I said 'heart,' I meant H-A-R-T. Like John Hart. Gwen is the Hart of Torchwood."
"Oh." Ianto leaned against the doorframe, thoughtful. "I can see how that could be true. They both throw themselves at you, they both seem to make mistakes that could kill us all..."
"True, all true." Jack laughed again. "Although at least John appreciated your gorgeous-"
Ianto cut Jack off. "Later."
Jack nodded in reluctant acquiescence.
They returned to their separate tasks for the rest of the day, and when the rest of the team left, they enjoyed some quality time with a stopwatch.

Et voilĂ . Review and I'll love you forever!