Chapter 9:

Sullivan ...

This is the only thing that come to mind when I see it. This famous piece, this is my room. It is almost identical to my old room. I blinked a moment and impossible mirage disappears. I let a whisper, a sigh out of my lips. Imperceptible, inaudible.

The walls are stained pink, but stops there the similarities end. Two windows are breaking the white snow from outside to me. Between the two openings, stands a bed, covered with three lint and topped with white lace curtains. Not far away, a desk on which is placed a mirror, a wardrobe built into the wall, and also an aquarium. We only hear the rustle of the water on the glass. The walls are empty compared to the orphanage which was decorated for some of my paintings.

-You like it?

-It is perfect! I said then.

It's only the day after the first day, but I already feel that this day will be one of the finest. From the beginning, for an eternity, I have dreamed that this day. Since I find myself in abandonment to the sublime abode, with the air of a cottage in the middle of the snowy haze, this one inseparable. My eyes open, despite the whiteness of the sky that illuminates my room through two large windows. I hear Max sneak outside my door, trying to be as discreet as possible. This girl is definitely adorable. I open one of my drawers and started to choose my clothes carefully. Dress, pale pink, blending with ribbons of the same color, I will tie in my hair. I am preparing to descend to the lower floor to get my breakfast, but I do not hear anything else than silence, unperturbed. What's happened? Is there had been an accident? Is a member of this family got informed of my past history? Police she finally, after several months, found the real cause of the fire? A myriad of issues jostling in my head and I can't respond without doubting myself. My heart stirs in my chest. I force myself to stay calm, I breathe slowly. It may be nothing. But it may be everything.

Do not be silly Leena, facing the truth. Do not be weak, do not be a coward. My mind keeps pushing me. I then take the door and walked over to the stairs. At the bottom of this one, the whole family looks at me, all displaying a smile on their lips, except of course Daniel. I have a feeling it will be difficult to establish something between us. Regardless, time will effect.

I fixed the face of Kate and John, and the Max. I lay eyes on packages of gifts she tries not to drop these little arms. She watches over them, and looks at me intently, never ceasing for a second to show his face, joyful and happy.

-Welcome home.

This is a dreamless sleep. No matter, then it is cut by the storm. The Institute distant memory comes back to me, that I do not really want. Storms were very common when I was there. They had become absent, since I was gone. And frankly, I did not miss it. I got up and fixed the black sky through the window, it continually punctuated by lightning. I watch them crash not far, and white glow illuminates my face a strong light. Which is repeated again and again. I stand in silence. My footsteps are inaudible. The floor don't even creaks when I out, in the hallway.

I opened the first door I found. This is Max's room. I suppose that because the decoration of the room leads to the hypothesis. Lightning always sounded but the girl still sleeping soundly. She seems quiet, diving into a peaceful sleep. I look. I think my situation unfair. Or rather, I was. We're both sick. She was born deaf and speechless, and I was born young forever. But the fact is that her parents are accommodated while mine have rejected me. I envy her. And unintentionally, I throw a dirty look. It's wasn't her fault, I know.

This is simply unfair. And I know that my feelings towards my parents are that bad, and never irreversible. While she ... she never feel what I felt. My mind tells me to hit her, but my common sense tells me that the solution is not. My hand touches her cheek, which wakes her up. She jumps at the first flash she sees. Lack of tears. I take her in my arms and drags her into the hallway. I noticed the light under the door and I decided to knock. I hear the familiar voice of Kate.

A few minutes later, I am stuck to my father, while my mother hold her daughter in her arms trembling. John's body is a soothing heat. And for over a year, my sleep will remain intact. It will not be disturbed by a nightmare, or one of those stupid anxiety attacks. It will only be a serene tranquility.

When I wake up, neither John nor Max is now next to me. Kate looks at me from the corner of the eye, until I woke up. My heart misses a beat again. Did she seen I was wearing my ribbons? If so, did she ask herslef what they hide? And if not, there is she also questions about it, as much as I pose righ now?

-Did you sleep well? She asked me, after a minute.

I nod and put me up without waiting another questions from her. Idiot. I set off to my room and hear again the voice of Kate hail me from the place above. She had to wake up, obviously, but I'd done before. Today is my first day at primary school. I so enjoyed my day passed that I did not think for one second after that I was expecting. I sigh and NIOHC me new clothes. Max and Daniel are already down, he is stuck to his game console, as would a mosquito at the sight of blood. It is certainly not, however, dependent on this point. My room is on the eve intact. Reassured, I open my drawer of clothes and began to pick an outfit suited me. I look jeans that Kate gave me yesterday. It's not really my type, unfortunately. Maybe an other day?

I hear the male voice of John, and then the door slam. He must have gone worked on this new plan, present its architecture project hoping for a positive response. From my side I'm heading to the bathroom, go inside, and as is my habit, closes the door. A turn.

A year is almost up. But when I look again, I said, and I realize that time can not reach me. I took my reflection compared to that projected myself the cracked mirror of the hospital. I probably look better, it is sure. However, my heart is as black as before. Anger, grief will fade, I hope, here shortly. I pick up my ribbons delicately. Get rid of my pajamas and eyeing my reflection again. Kid. I take a quick shower, not wanting to be late for the first day, I want to be as perfect as the first. I dry slowly, taking care not to touch my scars. I could make them bleed at any time. What would I do then in this case? I put myself screaming? And if they found blood, would they think that?

I opened my box makeup, face powder me carefully. I finally puts my ribbons in their usual places, let my old clothes in a laundry basket, and down. Three people waiting for me downstairs, two look at me down the steps one by one, as if I was an alien. I see Daniel waving lips and form words that I can not distinguish. He think probably I'm mad, as all through. Whatever.

Kate beckon children from moving into the car, they will leave immediately obey me always fixed.

-You are ... my dear, this is not a dress for school ...

-But I love it! You did not find attractive?

This is my favorite dress, yellow. That Sullivan offered me. It reminds me of is the day when I saw his package in hand. Smile at my astonishment. Laugh when I threw myself into his arms and listen to me when I told him bragging how it was fine on me. He looked ready to spin him, and when I asked him to judge me on a scale of ten he said it was an impossible thing to do. He complimented me, without perhaps imagine.

-Yes, it is a marvel, but I'm not sure it is convenient for school ... why not the jeans that I bought?

How would you like me to explain that the real reason Kate ...

This dress reminds me of Sullivan on all points, that's all. To start the day properly, I said that the only way I remember the horror of his death, it is this one. Wearing this dress reminds me of all the points. She recalls his memory to my mind. She reminds me of the night when I left my madness explode. I refuse her back. I am promised myself, and this is the only thing that makes me remember. The look in his eyes, his bloodied body haunting by death. I refuse to forget, just as I refuse to remove it.

-Are you afraid that the other children make fun of me, right? I thought you said there was nothing wrong with not being like the others.

I truly left her speechless for a few seconds, it amazes me. She finally agrees and tells me to follow. Without flinching, looking thoughtful. But what then? I wonder. And while I sit in the car metallic black, my memories wander back to Sullivan. Forget it had never been part of my plans, and more, it seemed like some things impossible to do. How would you like me to forget the man who had saved me from my own nightmare? Ask princesses to forget the man who issued the lot, ask them to ignore the one that makes you dance to forget to walk properly. My hand touches the fabric of the dress. I do not pay attention to Max and still less to Daniel. I am marble, lost in my thoughts. Thinking of my lost loves, and wondering just why.