Ok, this will be a bit different. Umm, only the prologue is in first person, so when this continues it will be normal perspective. I wrote this awhile ago, when I too felt as if I were a bout to loose the control that I had worked so hard to gain and master, so I guess in a way I can kind of relate. It also has a paragraph from "Looking In" which is another of my original stories and I would be very grateful to anyone who reads that and lets me know what you think.

Ah, yeah, I think that is about all, except the usual "I don't own anything so don't even try to sue," thing which is getting really repetitive!



Loss of Control. Prologue.

Control? Once, very long ago, someone asked me how it felt to be in control - not of others physically, but of myself emotionally. They asked what it took and what sacrifices had to be made for that balanced feeling.

At first I had brushed it off, thought it a foolish question made by that of a child, but slowly I began to think on the matter with a bit more consideration. It was than that I truly saw for the first time, I saw myself for who I really was - what I really was, and that is vulnerable.

'What?' you may ask as I know that when you look at me you see strength, wisdom, and above all you see discipline and that undeniable mask of control. Yet, through all this - all these exterior lies, I can not hide the fact and truth that I am as vulnerable as the next person.

Emotions, whether one wishes to admit it or not, play a most important role in our lives. They influence everything; the way we act, the way we speak and the way we think. They are life, without them we would be nothing but an unmoving shell looking upon the world with unseeing eyes.

Do not perceive this the wrong way, I always knew that emotions made us who we are and that everyone had them, including me. Yet I believed that I could harness mine, that by some means, I could seek to control that which controlled me.

So hence I created a mental mask, something that separated me from everything and stood as a barrier between how I felt and how I reacted to such events. It had held securely in its place for many years now, ever sine I was a child. I never once let it slip, not for anything or anyone. It shielded me well, by not allowing anyone to get close and I liked the safety that it provided. Indeed it was lonely, but in the long run it spared me from the hurt that could only be inflicted by a loved one - or one thought loved.

It was my savior, my protector and my own personal champion. No one could beat it; no one could knock it from its well-grounded position in front of me or even scale its walls. Hell, even if I wanted to do so, I could not have overcome it and seen it defeated.

Then I found its flaw - well, not so much I, but 'he.' There was one person that I could not shut out, no matter how strong and well built my walls.

He could see through my well-crafted defenses and he alone could see the pain that I held locked within.

In an attempt to aid me, to help me cope, this one person destroyed everything I had worked so hard for over the years. My defenses fell, crumbled like shattered stone before my very eyes, and I, well, I lost that control.

*****

Tbc.

Please let me know what you think as I am not entirely sure on where to take this (Yes, Minka is asking for help! Lol, part of my 12 step program!) So please review with any feedback.am thinking of making this a slash story *goes off to think knowing perfectly well that she will get sidetracked and do something else!*

Minka Rain Greenleaf of the Depression of the Moment.