Master BackseatDriver from the Stars
Woohoo! It's the fourth and last chapter of the story!
Disclaimer: As always, I don't Yu-Gi-Oh. And I don't own any of the poems Bakura says. I DIDN'T WRITE THEM. Okay, got that cleared up. Oh, and I don't own Bill Clinton. 'Nuff said.
Chapter Four: Don't You Touch Him!
"Where are we going?" Bakura asked.
"To get some food. You like sandwiches, right?"
"Yeah." Bakura answered. He pointed to a restaurant called 'Luigi's'. "Do they sell sandwiches there?"
"That's an Italian restaurant. They don't sell sandwiches." Ryou explained. Bakura looked confused.
"Really? I thought they just named it after Mario's brother." Ryou shook his head.
"No. That's where we're going." Ryou pointed to a small deli on the corner of the street. Ryou pulled into the parking lot and they both got out.
"Why aren't we going to a restaurant?" Bakura asked.
"After going to the 'House of Pancakes', do you really want to go to another restaurant?" Bakura shuddered.
"Man, that guy with the hash browns was so…fat."
They entered the deli. Bakura dragged Ryou over to the snack stand.
"I want that, I want that, I want that, I want that-," Bakura asked, pointing to everything on the stand. Ryou flicked Bakura in the nose.
"We're not spending all of our money on snacks for you! Now what kind of sandwich do you want?"
Bakura rubbed his nose angrily. "Turkey."
Ryou walked up to the cashier. "Two turkey sandwiches and two cokes." The cashier handed him the food and his change.
"Here." Ryou handed Bakura's sandwich to him. They walked outside and sat on a bench.
"Man, this is good!" Bakura exclaimed, finishing off the rest of it. He looked over at Ryou's. "Are you going to eat the rest of that?" Ryou handed the rest of his sandwich to him.
"Hey, you guys are twins!"
Ryou and Bakura looked up to see two girls standing over them.
"No, we are not twins." Bakura growled through his teeth.
"Really?" One of the girls said.
"Are you guys brothers?" The second one asked.
"No, we are not brothers."
The two girls looked at each.
"Well then what are you?" They asked simultaneously. Bakura's eyebrow twitched.
/Yami, please don't say anything. /
//No, I'm going to clear this up once and for all. //
/I was afraid of that…. /
"We are soul mates! We are two halves of a whole! I'm his darkness and he is my light! Without him, I'm nothing! Without me, he is nothing! Together, we are complete! You get it?"
The girls giggled. Ryou put his head in his hands and sighed.
"All you had to say was that you're gay." The girls giggled.
/We've got to work on that twitching thing…it might be a tumor. /
"IT'S NOT A TUMOR!" Bakura screamed.
The girls looked at each other and walked away slowly. Bakura opened his soda and took a drink.
"You should have gotten me beer." he complained.
"I think I need one… Well, let's get going." Ryou threw away their trash. "I'll be right back; I'm going to ask someone for directions. Watch the car." Ryou turned around and walked back into the deli.
Bakura leaned against the hood. He reached over and started flicking the car antennae. It broke off in his hand.
"Oh shit!" Bakura exclaimed. He looked around nervously before hurling the antennae behind a dumpster. Ryou came back.
"Okay, let's go."
"Can I drive for a while?" Bakura asked.
"I don't know, you don't know the directions." Ryou answered.
"That's okay; I'll just search your thoughts for the directions." Bakura stared into Ryou's eyes. Ryou blinked.
"Hey! Stop it!" Ryou shrieked. Bakura smiled evilly.
"You're thinking some dirty thoughts!"
"Get out of there!"
"So can I drive?" Bakura asked again. Ryou nodded.
"Yeah. I'm tired; I think I'll take a nap." Ryou and Bakura climbed into the car.
"Wake me up in about an hour, okay?"
"Okay." Bakura answered as he pulled out of the parking lot.
Ryou opened his eyes. He had been asleep defiantly more than an hour, because it was almost dusk. He looked around.
"Where are we?" he croaked. Bakura turned to look at him, and then looked out the window.
"You know what? I really don't know." Bakura answered. Ryou looked around to see nothing but countryside on either side of them.
"Didn't you follow the directions?!" Ryou screamed.
Bakura shrugged. "I thought I did."
"Stop the car!"
"Stop the car, right now!"
Bakura slammed on the brakes.
"What the Hell's wrong now?" Bakura asked. Ryou got out of the car.
"I can't believe you got us lost! Again!" he screamed. Bakura also got out of the car.
"Relax; I can get us out of this!" Bakura started. Ryou shook his head angrily.
"No, you can't! You can't seem to do anything right! You think you can do whatever you want, and not think about anyone else! I want to go home! I've wanted to go home for the last two days! But every time I think I can trust you again, you do something like this! Well you know what? I'm through with it!"
Bakura blinked at Ryou's out burst. "I-I'm sorry."
Ryou placed a hand over his eyes. "No, I am. I shouldn't yell at you. You tried."
"Where's my hug?" Bakura mumbled.
"Aww, did you just ask for a hug?"
"…Yes." Ryou smiled and hugged him. Bakura looked over to see a bird land on their car. It looked at him and chirped. Bakura jumped back.
"Did that bird just call us gay?" he shrieked. Ryou raised his eyebrow.
"Aibou, where's my shotgun?" Bakura demanded. Ryou sighed.
"You didn't bring it."
Bakura's shoulders slumped. "Oh."
They both turned around and got back into the car.
"Just get us out of here, okay Yami?"
Bakura smiled. "No problem." He turned the key in the ignition.
And nothing happened.
Bakura frowned and tried again. Nothing.
"What's wrong?" Ryou asked.
"The car won't start!"
"Are we out of gas?" Ryou questioned. Bakura shook his head.
"We have half a tank!" Bakura slumped against his seat.
"What a time for the car to break down." Ryou exclaimed. Bakura shrugged and jumped out of the car.
"Well, I guess we have to hitchhike." Bakura stuck out his thumb. Ryou walked over to him and looked up and down the street.
"Yami, we're in the middle of nowhere."
"That's why you have to stick out your thumb or they won't see you."
Ryou sighed and stuck out his thumb.
They had been standing on the side of the road for three hours without any sign of humanity. Ryou had long since retired to sitting. Only after a few minutes of waiting, Bakura had started singing "One Million Bottles of Beer on the Wall".
"…Four hundred and ninety six bottles of beer on the wall, four hundred and ninety six bottles, you take one down, pass it around, four hundred and ninety five bottle of beer on the wall-OW!" Bakura rubbed the side of his head where Ryou had thrown a rock at it. Ryou glared at him.
"Sing that again and I'll stab you with the next piece of glass I find."
Bakura dropped to the ground. "I'm just trying to pass the time. Don't get all bitchy with me."
Ryou rubbed his temples. "Just be quiet. I have a headache."
"Are you dieing?" Bakura whispered fearfully.
"What? No, I'm not dieing!" Ryou snapped. Bakura suddenly jumped up.
"Hey! Someone's coming!" Bakura waved to the car. It was a small two-seater, and really beat up looking. The car slowed and stopped in front of them. The driver leaned over and rolled down the window.
"Where you two boys headin'?" The driver was a creepy old fat guy. He grinned at Ryou. Ryou's eyes widened and he pulled Bakura to the side.
"We can't tell him where we live, so we'll just ask him to drop us off at school, okay?" Ryou whispered. Bakura gave him the thumbs-up.
"No problem." Bakura turned to the guy. "Can you take up to Domino High?"
"That's a pretty long ways away. But for you-," He winked at Ryou, "I'll do it."
Bakura glared at the man. He didn't like him. Ryou and Bakura piled into his car, but due to the fact that it was a two-seater, they both were squashed into the passenger seat, with Ryou in the middle. The man started up the car and began driving.
"So, what're you two boys doing out here so late?" The man asked. Ryou started to answer, but Bakura interrupted him.
"I doubt that it's any of your business, so just continue…whatever you're doing."
"…You mean driving?"
"DON'T LIE TO ME!"
The driver shrugged and continued driving. He looked over at Ryou.
"So what's your name?" He asked, smiling strangely. Ryou shrunk back against Bakura.
"…Ryou…" he answered quietly. The driver smiled and looked over to Bakura.
"What's yours?" he asked without any interest. Bakura glared at him.
"None of your business." Bakura answered. The driver shrugged.
"Yami?" Ryou whispered. Bakura leaned over.
"This guy is…creepy. He keeps looking at me."
"Want me to punch him?"
"No! He's our ride home!" Ryou shrieked. The guy looked over, so Ryou lowered his voice.
"You don't like him?"
"I think he smells like pants." Bakura stated.
"What? How do you know what pants smell like?" Ryou asked.
"I wear a pair every day. Well, except on Thursdays."
Ryou shook his head.
"Well, you guys can call me Carl." The driver said. Bakura narrowed his eyes.
The driver raised his eyebrow. "Well, because that's my name."
Bakura shrugged. "Fair enough."
"So, what's the story between you two? I mean, are you twins?" Carl asked. Bakura twitched.
"No, we are not twins!"
"Oh, I thought so. You see, you two look a lot alike, but Ryou here looks more…how can I say this? More innocent." He grinned evilly. Ryou shrunk back more against Bakura. Bakura snorted.
"And what am I, Bill Clinton?" he asked irritably. Carl shook his head.
"No. I'm just saying he must be your younger brother."
"Well, you're wrong, because we aren't even related."
Carl looked surprised. "Oh. So, you two must be a couple." Bakura choked back a scream.
"We are not gay!" he screamed, obviously because he couldn't choke it back. Carl shrugged.
"Whatever you say."
They sat in silence for a while. It was broken, though, when Ryou screamed and jumped onto Bakura's lap.
"What?! What's the matter?!" Bakura yelled, shoving Ryou off of his lap.
"He tried to feel me up!" Ryou cried hysterically.
Carl reached over again. "Come on, don't be shy…"
Bakura reached over and pulled Ryou back on his lap.
"Don't you touch him! He's mine!" Bakura shrieked, hugging Ryou protectively.
"But I thought you two weren't together!" Carl exclaimed.
"If that's what it takes to get you to leave him alone, then yes. We are very, very gay." Bakura replied.
Carl sighed. "All the good ones are taken."
Bakura glared at him.
"Watch the road!" Bakura shouted when Carl looked over at them.
//Aibou? I'm going to put you down now, okay? //
/Don't put me down! /
//Okay! Okay! I won't put you down. //
Bakura thought for a moment.
//So, um, did you gain weight or something? //
//I'm just saying! You're getting a little heavy; I mean you're sitting on something that's not supposed to have that much weight on it. //
"It's not that big anyways." Ryou said aloud, not thinking. Carl smiled.
"He's not big enough to take care of you, eh?"
Ryou waved his hands in protest. "No, no, big enough."
"Damn straight it is!" Bakura exclaimed, "-And hey! Crazy Carl! Did I say you could talk to my Aibou?!"
Crazy Carl frowned. "That boy's all wrong for you. You need someone sensitive, like me."
"Hey! You're not sensitive! You're crazy! That's where Crazy Carl comes from!" Bakura shouted. "And besides, I'm sensitive!"
Ryou frowned. "No you're not."
"Sure I am!" Bakura cleared his throat.
"How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height my soul can reach.
For me there lies, within the lights and shadows of your eyes
The only beauty that is never old.
Doubt thou the stars are fire.
Doubt that the sun doth move.
Doubt truth to be a liar.
But never doubt I love."
Ryou's mouth fell open.
Bakura smiled. "I don't know what I would do without you, my little Hikari…" Bakura embraced Ryou.
"…Yeah, I would probably buy a big-screen T.V., move on with my life. But there would be a whole day where I would just be inconsolable. You know, when they're delivering the T.V."
Ryou patted him on the back. "Uh, thanks, Yami."
Crazy Carl wiped tears from his eyes. "Aww, I can't compete with that. You two are perfect together!"
The police sirens interrupted the happy little couple moment…thing. Crazy Carl pulled over to the side.
"I wasn't speedin'!" Crazy Carl cried.
"Actually", the policeman explained, "You were swerving a little recklessly."
"I told you to watch the road!" Bakura yelled. The policeman ignored him.
"You been drinking, sir?" he asked. Crazy Carl shook his head.
"I have to be sure of that. Step out of the car, please." Crazy Carl stepped out. The policeman shined the flashlight in on Ryou and Bakura. They suddenly realized that Ryou was still sitting on Bakura's lap. Ryou jumped off.
"Hey!" the policeman cried out, noticing them, "I got a call about you two for evading the police earlier this morning! Get out here!"
Ryou and Bakura both jumped out of the car and followed the officer to his car. He pulled out two pairs of handcuffs and handcuffed Ryou to Bakura and Bakura to the steering wheel of the police car. He smirked.
"Now I don't have to worry about you guys getting away." He led Crazy Carl to the back of the car to proceed with the Sobriety Test.
/What are we going to do now, Yami?! /
Bakura thought for a moment. He looked over his shoulder to make sure the officer wasn't looking.
//Brace yourself. //
Ryou was stopped suddenly when Bakura fell back with enough force that he broke the steering wheel off. Ryou's eyes widened.
/How did you do that? /
"Hey, you two!" The policeman shouted.
"Uh oh, time to go!" Bakura shouted, dragging Ryou with him to Crazy Carl's car. Bakura jumped into the driver's seat.
"Get in! What are you waiting for?" Bakura screamed at Ryou. Ryou looked around.
"I can't! I'm on your left!"
"Oh, shut up and get in!" Bakura grabbed Ryou and sat him on his lap and stepped on the gas. The cop tried to chase after them, but due to the fact that his steering wheel was missing, he didn't get very far.
"He's going to call for back up!" Ryou shrieked.
"Look in the rear-view mirror."
Ryou looked in the mirror to see Crazy Carl holding the broken radio and waving at him.
"Bye, honey!" He called after Ryou. Ryou waved back slightly.
"Jeez, your head's in the way! Get down!" Bakura shoved Ryou down so he could see.
"Um, Yami, this isn't the most comfortable, need I say pleasant, position to be in."
"Stop your complaining, you know you like it." Bakura smirked. Ryou shook his head and sighed.
"Why do I even talk to you?"
"Because we're telepathy-buddies!" Bakura explained happily. Ryou looked around.
"Hey, I recognize this place! Look! There's Yami and Yuugi's house!" He exclaimed.
"Great! Let's go over there! Maybe they can help get these handcuffs off."
"Yami, it's three in the morning. They're probably sleeping." Ryou stated. Bakura snorted.
"Not if I can help it!" He turned sharply and screeched to a halt on their driveway. Bakura jumped out, dragging Ryou with him.
"Open up, Pharaoh!" Bakura shouted, banging on the door. They heard some rustling inside, along with some whispering. The door finally opened.
"Hello? Oh, hi guys! Where have you been? I've been trying to call you for the pass two days!" Yuugi exclaimed as he opened the door. Yami stood right behind him.
"It's a long story." Bakura said.
"Then don't tell it." Yami replied.
"Okay, I'll tell it."
Bakura cleared his throat. "Okay, it all started…"
"…and that's the whole story." Bakura finished. Yami and Yuugi simply stared at them. Yami shifted his gaze to Bakura's wrist, which was handcuffed to a steering wheel.
"Are you guys-." Yami started. Bakura interrupted him.
"Gay? Gay?! Yes! Yes we are! Are you happy now?!" he screamed.
"You too?!" Yuugi squealed. Yami clamped his hand over Yuugi's face.
"Oh, don't mind him, he's half asleep." Yami smiled nervously. Yuugi clawed at Yami's hand.
"Yami, I can't breathe!" he cried.
"Sure you can." Yami smiled again.
"Uh, so anyways, can you guys help us get these handcuffs off?" Ryou asked.
"I don't think so." Yami replied. "You should go home and check Bakura's stash. He probably has something to pick locks with. After all, he is a thief."
Bakura snapped his fingers together. "Of course I do! Come on, Aibou, let's go home."
As they started out the door, Yami called to them. "Hey, when you're done with those handcuffs, can we borrow them?"
Bakura stopped for a moment to think.
"Yeah, sure. We'll bring them over tomorrow." He led Ryou out the door. Yami closed it behind them.
"Handcuffs, huh? You're so kinky, Yami." Yuugi giggled. Yami smiled evilly.
"Oh shut up, you know you like it."
"Yami, you've been at it for hours."
"It's coming! I can feel it!"
The door to the room swung open, and Ryou's dad entered.
"Where have you two been-?" He noticed the two boys lying on the bed handcuffed. "-Oh, I'll come back later." Ryou's dad quickly closed the door.
"Man, now my dad thinks we're gay!" Ryou complained.
"I'm just picking the lock!" Bakura cried.
Ryou looked over at Bakura and blushed. "You know, since everyone thinks we're gay, maybe we are."
Bakura looked at him disgustedly.
"My Ra, you're gay."
Okay, it's the end of the road! I thank everyone who reviewed, and I like to thank my sister Noriko, who is the "Master Backseat Fanfiction Writer from the Stars and Beyond!" I'm planning on doing many more of the 'Bakura the Master' stories, so if you guys have any ideas on what you want to read, please e-mail me at Spook_Gir@yahoo.com. And also let me know if you want me to do a Yami and Yuugi series.
Preview for the next saga; "Bakura: Master Party Planner from the Stars and Beyond!"
It's Ryou and Bakura's anniversary, and Bakura's dead set on giving his little Aibou the best party and gift.
"I didn't know you guys were married." Malik, and just about everyone else asked them.
"WE'RE NOT!" Bakura yells.
And wait 'till you see what Yami suckers Bakura into getting Ryou.
"Only the best for your little Aibou!" Yami grinned.
You won't believe what it is!
"I got this for you, Aibou." Bakura said, getting down on one knee.
Ryou was speechless, and you'll be too! Stay tuned my minions!
So, as always, until the future happens (which it often does), LOVE, PEACE, and other such concepts.