Author's Note : My second story, so I still haven't perfected my writing skills. For anyone who has read The Mercenaries, then you know the kind of stuff I do and how crazy and ludicrous this can become. If you haven't, please go read if you want a twist on the normal D. Gray-Man fan fiction. Here goes my first Hellsing fan fiction.
Also, I don't know German so I won't use it, except a few tidbits.
"Bloody Hell, this place is awesome!" A girl exclaimed as she arrived in England. She wore a brown shirt that had a black cat wearing a collar and tie. The words 'LIKE A BOSS' were printed in large letters across it. With it she wore deep blue jeans, a pair of beige sandals, and a scarf that went to her knees with yellow and red vertical stripes. A hand smacked her upside the head and she turned to see her father, in profession and genetics, giving her a disapproving look. Father Vincent, as he like to be called, dressed in his priests robes.
"Why do you always talk like that, Felicity? You used to be such a sweet girl, but your mother has just spoiled you rotten." The girl rolled her eyes.
"If you are going to bring mom up, I'll just get back on the plain to the U.S.A." She started walking back towards the airport where her father picked her up, but he blocked her path.
"Alright, I'm sorry. I just miss my baby girl is all." He ruffled her shoulder length ginger hair, revealing her emerald eyes hidden by overgrown bangs. She pulled back and huffed in annoyance.
"Dad, I'm 19. No more PDA's," Which was code for 'Public Display of Affection' "Or we will have a repeat of Italy again." The father cringed, remembering the day his daughter started screaming 'Stranger Danger' when he gave her a hug in St. Peters Square.
"You know I was almost excommunicated for that, right?"
"Oh, no one thought you were going rape me. I'm not an eight year old boy." She laughed while ducking under her father's hand. "It was a joke!"
"This is what I get for falling for an American." He grumbled before carrying my luggage to his car.
"You make it sound like this is some kind of punishment." Felicity told him as she sat in the passenger seat.
"Having to pay for your flights here is punishment for my wallet. You are a very expensive girl to see."
"That makes you value your time with me more." She told him as he got in the driver's seat and drove out of the airport parking lot. The sun had set by the time they had left the airport and it would be another hour before they arrived at the small house Vincent owned in the country side. Felicity reclined her seat back until she was prone and decided to take a nap. "Wake me…When you need me." She said, pausing to let out a long yawn before dozing off.
No sooner had she closed her eyes than the car hit something, and it was big. Felicity's eyes burst open as the car's momentum flung her into her seat belt and the wind was knocked out her lungs.
"Are you okay?" Felicity looked over at her father and saw he was unconscious, but after a quick check found that he was alive.
"What the hell was that?" She grumbled to herself before getting out of the car to see what caused this accident. She gasped when she got to the front of the car.
In front of the car was a giant wolf, and a wolf shaped dent in the car. It was a giant white wolf and a gorgeous one at that. Felicity bent down and gently stroked the wolf before placing her scarf over it.
"What a waste of life." Felicity lamented "Should I bury…" She paused and lifted a hind leg to check its gender "…him?"
"That won't be necessary, fraulein." Felicity spun around to see a blonde boy sitting on the hood of her dad's car. The first and only thing she saw was the boy's cat ears. Like her name implies, she REALLY loves cats. She scrambled onto the car and immediately started rubbing them. "What are you doing?" He asked. Clearly no one has ever done this to him and the shock in his voice only encouraged her.
"Your ears! They are so adorable and soft!" Felicity was pushed off the car by the cat boy who frantically started patting down his ruffled clothes.
"What is wrong with you?!" Felicity was still reaching out for the cat boy, but he raised his foot as though to kick her so she stayed down next to the wolf.
"I love cats and I'm American. So if I see a boy with cat ears, I'm going to pet him." She said while going back to petting the wolf.
"Ah, sorry to hear that. Now about Hans over there." He pointed to the wolf behind her.
"Its name is Hans? Strange name for a wolf." Felicity pondered aloud "So what is your name then?" He perked up as though I mentioned his favorite subject and completely forget to mention Hans is more than a wolf. With a flourish of his hand he pointed to himself.
"I am Schrodinger. Now can-" He was interrupted by Felicity.
"So how do you know the Mr. Wolfy?"
"Mr. Wolfy?" The cat boy had to give her credit for coming up with a new nickname for Hans that would annoy him to no end. "He is my comrade. Isn't it time you woke up, Hans?" Felicity stared at the boy until she heard a growling and slowly turned to see the wolf get. The scarf Felicity put over his head slid down to his neck.
"What the... He was dead!" She stammered. "Actually, I never did check his pulse." The wolf named Hans ignored her and turned to Schrodinger, staring at him for a few seconds.
"What do you mean you were comfy? You can't just sleep in the middle of the road." Schrodinger said to the wolf as though it spoke to him.
"Does Mr. Wolfy have telepathy?" Felicity said as she stepped in between them. The wolf turned to her with a trace of annoyance.
Who is this Mr. Wolfy? Did Schrodinger call me that? The wolf turned back to the blonde let out a low growl.
"Wow captain, I had nothing to do with it!" This didn't stop Hans from pouncing onto the car. Felicity expected to hear some cry of pain as the boy was crushed, but none came.
"Mr. Wolfy, did you just kill cat boy?" Felicity asked, now wondering where Schrodinger's body went.
"Like he could kill me." Once again Felicity spun around to see Schrodinger standing behind her.
"You can teleport?" She leapt for Schrodinger as she said this and Schrodinger teleported onto the hood of her car. "You can! Oh I love you guys."
What is wrong with you? Hans asked her from his perch on the roof.
"American." Felicity and Schrodinger told him with no emotional inflection what-so-ever.
That explains it.
"So what are you two doing here?" Felicity asked as she sauntered over and sat next to Schrodinger, who scooted away from her and Hans leaned down from the roof so his head was in between the two.
"Hans here got hungry and felt in the mood for English cuisine. He was running off his meal when he forgot to look both ways and we ended up here, sitting on your car with a conscious priest in the driver's seat." Felicity looked through the windscreen and true enough, her dad was awake and petrified of the wolf wrapped in his daughters scarf and the teleporting boy.
"Hi dad!" Felicity waved to him. He gave her a small wave before passing out again. "Pansy." Felicity groaned.
I think we should get back. The Major will not be happy if he found we left the base. Hans told Schrodinger.
"Do we have to? I'm enjoying myself." He was kicking his legs back and forth like spoiled brat who didn't get what he wanted, and so was Felicity. Hans kept staring at Schrodinger. He relented and hopped off the car, followed by Hans and the scarf trailed behind him.
We have to be going now. Sorry about the car. Hans said in everyone's head.
"Okay. Nice meeting you." Felicity told him while she got off the car. Schrodinger had reached out and grabbed hold of Hans' scruff when Felicity remembered something.
"Oh, forgot my scarf." She reached down and grabbed the scarf as Schrodinger teleported back to Millennium's base.
"Good to be home." Schrodinger said to himself.
I'm going to take a nap. Hans told him and started walking off when he felt a tug around his neck. He looked back and saw Felicity still holding onto the scarf around his neck.
"This. Is. Awesome!" Felicity squealed, startling the self-absorbed Schrodinger.
"We are so dead. I don't know how but we are dead." He cried. Hans would have said the same if he spoke.
Let's just calm down. If you send her back before someone finds her, we will be fine. Schrodinger stopped crying and met Hans gaze, realizing they still had hope.
"Time to send you-" He turned to the girl only find she was gone, and scarf around Hans neck had come off. "Oh come on!"
It's okay. I can track her by smell. Hans sniffed the ground and then sprinted down the hall with Schrodinger riding on his back. They turned down dozens of corridors, pushing aside several low ranking members of Millennium, before Hans stopped at a familiar room.
"You don't think she went into Alhambra's room, do you?" Hans let out the wolf equivalent of a sigh before slowly pushing the door open. Alhambra's room had an entire city made of cards along the walls of his room. The only thing that wasn't covered was his bed and a table in the center. He was currently sitting with his back to them while playing Felicity. He threw his hand onto the table.
"Damn it! None of the other's here has beaten me before." He grumbled as Hans and Schrodinger crept up behind him.
Schrodinger, I want you to jump over the table and teleport the girl back where we found her. Schrodinger gave him a quick nod before doing just as he said. He soared through the air just as Felicity dropped a poker chip under the table. She bent down to pick it up as Schrodinger passed over her and toppled part of Alhambra's card city. The domino effect went into effect and the Brazilian man watching in horror as months of work was destroyed. By Schrodinger.
"I'm getting too old for this." Alhambra got up from the table and went over to the stunned Schrodinger while Felicity crawled under the table and out the door.
"Hans stop her before someone important finds her!" Alhambra was even more infuriated by this insult to his status and picked up a deck of cards off the table. Hans left and ran after Felicity before he saw anything, but he heard the sound of bones breaking and didn't have to guess who it was. He was catching up and he could see her scarf trailing around a corner. Hans slowed down and crept around the corner.
"Why is there a human walking around our base?" Hans had walked right into a surprised Zorin, still wondering how a civilian got in.
Schrodinger. She nodded in understanding as the cat boy in question appeared next to Hans.
"Well I think I saw her going towards Rip's room. Just follow the singing." Hans's eyes widened in terror and he and Schrodinger resumed their mad dash down the halls. The singing grew louder as they approached the room of first lieutenant Rip Van Winkle.
"Do I hear a duet?" Schrodinger asked as he opened the door "This might be a problem Hans."
What is it this time? Hans rolled his eyes as he stuck his snout through the door. Rip's record player was going at full blast, playing some long forgotten opera music from her youth. Rip herself was dancing throughout the room with a blushing girl being swung around as the Rip led her.
"Why has no one killed her yet? This is a base full of vampires after all." Schrodinger wondered aloud.
Rip! Hans mentally shouted into the room. Rip stopped mid swing and Felicity was sent careening into Rip's antique record player. You could have heard a pin drop in the following silence.
"Sorry Mrs. Rip Van Winkle. I didn't mean to break it." Rip, who had been reaching for her musket that was leaning against the wall, stopped and blushed a deep shade of red rarely seen on a vampire.
"It's just Ms. Rip Van Winkle, but you can call me Rip for short."
"I like saying the full name. It sounds so…alluring." Schrodinger and Hans watched in amazement as Felicity just destroyed Rip's most prized possession next to her musket, stopped her from turning all of them into Swiss cheese, and started a vampires heart for a few seconds. With a quick peck on Rip's cheek, she walked out of the room, leaving behind all of three of them to pick their jaws off the floor.
"Who was that girl?" Rip asked.
"We don't know. She kind of tagged along after Hans late night snack and now she is running rampant." Schrodinger told Rip as the three of them went after her.
Oh no! We are coming up on the control room. Hans mentally shouted as the light at the end of the tunnel grew closer. Coming through, they stared in utter horror as Felicity crept up on the Major. Major Montana Max was busy talking with Doc about how delicious his dinner was and his chair was turned away from Felicity and the group of scared shitless Nazis.
Grab her! Everyone sprinted for the unaware girl and dove, bringing her down in a literal dog pile with Rip on the bottom and Schrodinger on top.
"What is going on here?" The Major spun his chair around and looked down upon his men with his ever present half smile.
"Nothing Major, we just saw a mouse and didn't want to let it get close to you." Schrodinger covered. With the girl completely hidden under the massive body of Hans and Rip's splayed out hair, they hoped the Major would buy their excuse.
"Very good then." A collective sigh of relief went out from the pile. "By the way, have you caught that girl yet?" He pulled a remote out of his coat pocket and hit a button. Several monitors blinked to life, replaying footage of Felicity's arrival and all the events, except what went on in Alhambra's and Rip's rooms, that led up to her arrival in the control room, including the dog pile.
"What have I told you all about playing with your food?" The Major chuckled as the three Nazi's exchanged nervous glances. "Never mind. I'd like to see this little mouse of yours." His smile never faltered, nor did his voice raise, but they all immediately jumped off Felicity as though Hitler himself ordered them to.
"What is your name?" The Major asked after letting her catch her breath.
"Felicity Ira. What is yours?"
"You will speak when spoken to!" Doc screeched. He looked ready to hit her, but she was oblivious.
"It's fine doctor. It's only fair I give her my name after she gave me hers." He turned back to the girl. "I am Major Montana Max, leader of the Lazte Battalion."
"So is this some military base?" She asked while trying to once again grab Schrodinger's ears, but Hans separated the two.
"You haven't noticed it yet?" He looked to his subordinates. "You didn't tell her who we are?"
I just assumed she was fine with it.
"It would be impossible for her not to notice that, right?" Rip asked as all eyes turned to Felicity. She searched through her memory of everything that happened this night and her eyes shone with sudden realization.
"You're Russian spies!" Everyone's hand flew up to their face, except Schrodinger who fell to the floor laughing. Han's fell over soon after because he couldn't keep his balance with three paws and this only served to make the others laugh harder.
"Okay Felicity, I want you to look very closely at what Schrodinger and Rip Van Winkle are wearing." The Major gestured towards them before climbing back into his chair. Felicity put a hand to her chin as she observed both of them. She stared at Schrodinger for about ten minutes, nine of which was her looking at his ears and him smacking her hands away. Next she looked at Rip, taking twice as long this time. While looking at her chest, she finally noticed the swastika on a chain around her neck.
"You're Hindus!" Everyone groaned. A size able crowd of soldiers had gathered to see the intruder and had started betting on when she guesses it right.
That's it. I'm going to back to my room and getting some clothes. Hans declared before walking out, the crowd parting faster than the red sea to let him through.
"Major, can I just tell her. It's stopped being funny a while ago." Schrodinger pleaded.
"Please do." The Major seemed to be struggling to maintain his half smile at this point. Schrodinger walked up to Felicity and put both hands on her shoulders.
"We are Nazis!" The crowd did that infamous salute and everything clicked into place for poor Felicity.
"We don't care what you think about us or what we did… Wait? What did you say?" Schrodinger was really confused and his already small head was ready to burst.
"I said Okay. Sheesh, for a bunch of killers and war criminals, your hearing is horrible." The Majors smile completely fell.
"Why are you so calm? You don't scream in terror at the sight of us. You don't hurl insults about the slaughter of Jews at us. Hell, you seem right at home hear among us 'killers and war criminals'."
"I'm American." The crowd let out a resounding 'Oh', but the Major wasn't convinced. He leaned forward in his chair and Felicity did the same, leaving almost no distance between them. Then he smiled
"Tell me, Felicity. What do you think of war?" Schrodinger, Rip, and every last member in the crowd caught the infectious smile that the Major bore.
"War? I never thought about it, but when I look at all of you people, I feel something." She looked out at the crowd around her before returning her gaze to the Major. "I felt genuine fear on a primal level. Each and every one of you is capable of ripping me limb from limb, aren't you? Yet I'm drawn to you. This entire place radiates with all your insanity and I just want to drown in it!" Her own smile could rival the Majors and for a moment they simply stared at each other, the Major's yellow meeting her green. "If it was war that created such perfect creatures as yourselves, then I love it!" Silence pervaded the room as her speech came to an end. Then the Major clapped. Then Rip and Schrodinger and Doc clapped. The Major pulled out his remote and the monitors along the walls came to life, revealing even more Nazis applauding her. Felicity gave them all a deep bow as though she were the lead actor on the stage of a glorious play who has just given the performance of her life.
"A marvelous speech my dear. I think we will get along just fine."
Back in England, Vincent was just waking up.
"I just had the craziest dream. There was some cat boy with a swastika arm band and you-" He cut himself off when he saw Felicity wasn't next to him. "Oh no! That wasn't a dream." He got out of the car and when he saw the dent in the car, he knew it was true.
"Nazis took my daughter!" He fell to his knees and wept. He was like this for hours until a figure draped in red came up behind him. Vincent turned to the figure and looked upon the smirking face of the devil.
"It's a beautiful night, don't you think?"
Felicity : Yay! I just joined a bunch of Nazis! Hi five everyone.
Everyone : …..
Vincent : Why am I pansy?
Wolf : Because you are the pansy we need you to be. Now go pass out or Alucard will do things to you.
Alucard : I will.
Wolf : Anyway, hope you enjoyed the beginning of, hopefully, a long and funny story with tons of reviews. Normally I would give some kind of prediction as to what will happen next but I truly have no idea so your guess is as good as mine. I can say I will try to put gore, yuri, and reference to shows and games that weren't released in 1999.
Felicity : Review or I disembowel you with a spooooooooooon!