Sorry this is late, but…
It is time.
The end approaches.
The end of everything we have come to love and know.
But maybe, the end can signal the beginning of something new…
However, before we can let this story reach its conclusion, there is something that must be said.
Felicity: THANK YOU FOR BEING THE BEST READERS, REVIEWERS, FOLLOWERS (worship me), AND REVIEWERS WE'VE HAD THE PLEASURE OF WRITING FOR!
Wolf: There are too many people to name them all, but once again I have to thank FollieOfMadness, Karly101, pointy22, and CaptianvKickass for your continued support with constant reviews. Good luck in all of your stories and hope you saw you my little shoutouts working into this and the last chapter.
Felicity: Don't forget me! If anyone needs an ass kicking vampire, give me a PM.
Rip: She's my woman so don't get any ideas of pairing her with other characters!
Felicity: Get ideas. Get very bad ideas.
Wolf: Settle down ladies. Now let's give this our best.
Felicity: Hell yeah!
Alucard: Yes, I want to get Felicity's murder over with.
Seras: Shut up Alucard. Let's do this!
Anderson: Just start this you protestant f*ck buckets!
Wolf: Time to dance the dance of war. Once I start, I won't stop till the story is done. THE HILLS ARE ALIVE WITH THE SOUND OF MUSIC and I can feel war's melody flowing through me. Are you ready?
Wolf: This hand of mine glows with an awesome power. Its burning grip tells me to defeat you(The chapter, not the audience). Take this! My love, my anger, and all my sorrow!
"Major, the repairs are over."
"Excellent job, Kowalski." The Major turned from the engineer to his fellow officers.
Zorin was sharpening her scythe from atop Kenny's corpse. She had converted it into an end table and stuck a lamp on his rump.
Hans munched absentmindedly on a dog biscuit he retrieved from his coat, occasionally glancing at his mausers to see if they were in top condition. The Major saw his gaze would travel across all of his collected comrades, but would spend the longest time on Schrodinger.
The neko boy had reattached the tail he was given on Christmas and was monkeying about with a Cheshire grin.
Rip had her musket resting on her shoulder while Felicity leaned against the other, their hands intertwined and knowing smiles playing across their faces.
Kowalski coughed to get back the Major's attention.
"Sir, they are over because we can't do anything more to the engine. They are beyond repair."
And with that all eyes fell upon Kowalski like a pack of rabid moms at their children's soccer game.
"You're saying we can't use the Dues ex Machina to deploy our forces to England?" The Major asked.
"Actually, I've checked our other zeppelins and discovered the engines of the entire fleet are out of order. In all honesty it's a miracle the Machina lasted this long". He tapped his cheek thoughtfully. "Maybe it was a bad idea to leave the Opera House in charge of our aircraft."
"You think?" Schrodinger chastised, glad to no longer be at fault for delaying the battle. "So how are going to get our troops to England now?"
"Could we go by boat?" Rip offered.
"Sadly, we don't have any enough sea craft to get the entire battalion across the ocean at one time."
Felicity grinned evilly. "Then we don't send the entire battalion."
"Look, I know you all want a war, but as of now, we aren't capable of launching a full scale invasion." The others nodded their understanding. "But maybe we don't need to. If you think about, England's only defense is Hellsing, which only has two vampires capable of fighting us and a few humans. Since we are incapable of launching an assault on the country, let's send our best to take out their defenses. Without Hellsing and their specialized knowledge of the paranormal, normal military efforts will be useless."
You think we can take all of England by simply defeating Hellsing, which isn't simple in the slightest? Hans said skeptically
"My god," The Major shouted in realization. He leapt out his chair and stood among his troops. "It's brilliant! The majesty of war wrapped up into one, decisive battle that will determine the fates of countless lives. The importance of it all will weigh upon our souls, and heavier upon the blows we deliver to our foes!"
"But how do we get there?" Zorin finished sharpening her scythe before asking. Felicity raised her hand to answer.
"You may not like it, but I have an idea."
"Maybe you should calm down, Sir Integra," Pip tried to console his raging boss "I'm sure Walter will turn up soon enough-" He dodged a flung cigar that buried itself into the wall of the dank, dungeon tunnel.
"Not once in my life has Walter been late with tea!" Integra roared, pulling out another throwing-cigar and lighting it. "Something is up."
Or down, as they were searching the basement while the Wild Geese searched the upper floors. They had brought motion trackers, but they only seemed to pick up Arthur, creating an elaborate reenactment of the movie Alien, minus the pulse rifles, androids, and spin offs without Arnold.
"He could have run out of tea bags and went out to get more."
"Must I beat you with a…did you hear that?" Integra's rage shifted to curiosity as a whimpering noise drew her attention. "It's coming from the Police Girl's room."
The two approached, light streaming in through the ajar door. Not being the type to skulk about like a common burglar, Integra pushed the door open and strode inside.
"We need your help to find-" The words died in her throat at the scene before her.
Soaked in blood was Seras, clutching the limp corpse of Walter to her chest. There was so much, in fact, that her uniform was stained red. Her eyes were dyed an almost pleading red. She looked up from the corpse to find a gun being pressed against her temple.
"Tell me why before I kill you." Integra's commanded coldly.
"Don't do anything rash-" Pip tried to disarm the situation, but Integra pulled out another gun and pointed it a Pip.
"Tell me," She pressed her gun harder against Seras. "why you killed Walter!"
"I…didn't want to…"
"You didn't want to?!"
"He begged me to do it. Begged me." Seras sobbed, red tears trailing down her face. "He came to me, asking me to…to…eat him!"
"Liar!" Integra lashed out and back handed Seras. "He would never do that."
"But he did. He said he wanted to keep fighting, to be of service to the Hellsing family, but he was too old. I pleaded with him to stop, but he slit his own throat and-"
"From there, she was unable to control herself." A velvet smooth voice finished for her. A hand was placed upon her head and softly ruffled her hair.
Integra lowered her weapons as her gaze rested upon Alucard.
"I'm home, countess. Forgive my delay, but I was preoccupied when I came across Seras and Walter." Alucard cupped Integra's face with his free hand in a rare moment of compassion. "It was Walter's decision, to give himself to Seras. You can't blame her for giving Walter what he wanted."
"Damn it Walter…why did you have to-" Alucard wrapped an arm around Integra and pulled her close.
"Hush now. It will be alright."
Pip backed away from scene unfolding before him. Alucard was comforting the normally stoic Integra and blood soaked Seras, but only the Frenchman could see the evil grin spreading across Alucard face.
:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::Flashback mother f*cker!
"Walter," Alucard spoke to the hypnotized Walter. "You will go to down to the Police Girl room's and offer yourself to her."
"I will offer myself to Seras."
"Police Girl. She is the Police Girl."
"I will offer myself to the Police Girl. Do you have a preferred position, like missionary or doggy?"
"What?! No, I mean offer up your blood and soul. No sex, Walter. She's my Police Girl."
"And I want you to know that once you've been consumed by Police Girl and are free of my control, I will kill her without a moment's hesitation if you inform her of my manipulation. Am I understood?"
There was a slight hesitation before Walter responded, his eyes regaining a swirl of purple before being drowned in red.
"You are understood."
"Can someone explain why we came to a Russian airport when we should be in England?" Schrodinger asked as he shifted his M240 in his arms. Oddly enough, all seven of Millennium's officers had an LMG in hand, even Doc and the Major.
"I told you," Felicity gave them a toothy grin. "no Russian."
"But that makes no sense!"
The elevator came to a stop with a ding. The doors slid open and Schrodinger boldly stepped out.
Right into the crowd of Nazi zombies.
"Oops, wrong floor." Felicity closed the door before Schrodinger could even turn back around.
"So that's what happened to the third-to-last battalion." The Major said.
"What happened to the second-to-last battalion?" Rip asked.
"Sent to the north pole. Think the Russians got them in the end."
"You assholes just left me to get eaten by zombies!" Schrodinger yelled as he teleported back inside. Doc bopped him on the back of his head.
"Think of it as a learning experience about the undead digestive system and shut it." He spoke curtly and returned to stroking his gun. His large gun. Schrodinger's eyes traveled down the length of his gun, admiring its size and girth. He stared intently at Hans', the smell of oil coming off in waves from his hard, black gun.
Phallic symbolism. What phallic symbolism?
"Guys," Felicity drew their attention back to the elevator door. "This is our floor. We'll have ourselves a little fun here, steal a plane, fly to England, and then confront Hellsing."
The door opened with a ding, followed by the clicks of weapons being readied.
"Remember, no Russian."
One blood soaked montage/reference later
"He said he could fly this thing!" Zorin screamed over the sound of the plane decompressing. The flight was going just fine until they past the English Channel.
Fine, until Hans saw a squirrel.
"Everyone grab a parachute, except Schrodinger, and jump!" The Major said, pack already affixed to his back and helping Rip into hers.
"What about the passengers?" She asked.
"Shanna, they bought their tickets, they knew what they were getting into. I say, let 'em crash." A random man by the name of Jack Kirkpatrick told them before running off towards the cockpit.
"Why don't I get a parachute?" Schrodinger asked.
"Because I want something soft to land on!" Schrodinger was tackled from behind and out the open door by Felicity. Looking down, Schrodinger saw Hans, still diving towards a tree he swore he saw a squirrel in.
The squirrel, that he jumped through the cockpit window of the plan to chase.
The plane, whose autopilot was too busy making out with the auto stewardess to fly the plane.
The plane, whose other passengers were all passed out from eating the fish, which was poisonous.
The plane, where we found a man with piloting experience who could have flown it, but he sweated so much Felicity killed him out of sheer annoyance. Rip helped with his girlfriend.
The plane, whose air control tower operator was realizing now was a bad time to quit drinking, smoking, sniffing glue, and amphetamines and started drinking, smoking, sniffing glue, and doing amphetamines.
"Worst. Trip. Ever-" Splat.
A/N: Go watch Airplane and the Naked Gun movies(Not a porno) for old spoofs done right! 1980s FTW
"Mr. Bernadotte, get the door." Integra told Pip, who was now performing some of Walter's old tasks, like lighting Integra's cigars and being her bitch. His ass hadn't stopped hurting. The other tasks where delegated to Arthur, who can make a mean tuna fish sandwich, but he loathes sharing them. Being a cat, though, he delegated every task that didn't involve tuna to the Wild Geese. The men would have laughed at the cat, but they feared he was reincarnation of Alien after their previous debacle.
Arthur isn't reincarnation. He's evolution!
"Sure thing, boss." Pip nearly ran out of the office. He stopped at the front door of the manor and removed his gas mask, for protection from Integra's smoking, before opening the door.
"What can I do for you…" He trailed off upon noticing Schrodinger was at the door.
"Take me to your leader." The neko dead panned, showing himself in. Pip led him to Integra's office, donning his mask. He would have offered Schrodinger one, but the kid seemed ready to snap at the next person to so much as look at him funny.
Who put a stick up his ass? Pip thought.
"Two dozen Nazi zombies, gravity, and the top secret child molester's convention hosted by a somehow still alive Michael Jackson I landed on. Can you guess which one 'put a stick up his ass' metaphorically and which two were literal?" Schrodinger hissed. "And before you ask how I know what you were thinking, I'm everywhere and nowhere, including your perverted mind, so shut it!"
Pip opened the door and pushed Schrodinger inside Integra's office without a word, or thought.
"Who was it Pip?" Integra asked through the haze of smoke. Schrodinger had trouble seeing through all the smoke, but noticed the rough outline of Integra deeper in the cloud.
"My name is Schrodinger. I've been sent as an envoy of Millennium."
"Come closerrrrr." Her words were slurred. Anyone else would not do what the creepy lady said, but Schrodinger's near immortality made him fearless, or an idiot. He fought his way through the smoke, legs brushing against various odds and ends. He stopped when he bumped into an old wooden desk and could make out Integra in more detail.
She looked the same as the last time he saw her in person, back at the war meeting with the queen. The only difference is that her clothes were a mess, and that wasn't a normal cigar she was smoking.
"Hey mon. Want some of this ganja?" Integra said in a horrible Jamaican accent. "Or are you on that Refrain stuff?"
"Hell no, I'm a real man. PCP all the way." Schrodinger relaxed a little and sat on her desk, glad he could finally have a meeting with the enemy and not get shot.
"So…what'cha doing here?"
"I already told you. I'm an envoy from Millennium with a message from the Major." Like flipping a switch, the smoke disappeared and Integra adopted a more Iron Lady like demeanor.
I'm going to get my head blown off the second I'm done. Schrodinger lamented.
"Alright. Millennium was planning to invade you today, but we suffered technical difficulties, so the invasion is off indefinitely."
"If you aren't invading, then why are you here? Surrender?"
You'd like that, wouldn't you?
"No, we've come here for a good old fashioned rumble against Hellsing. Mono a mono. Red vs. Blue. North on South. Scott Pilgrim against the world. You know, an orderly fight, where the winner gets England."
"You're kidding, right?"
"Why on Earth would I not call the entire British military over here and crush you're undead bums under our heels?" Schrodinger leaned close and gave her the greatest Excalibur face of all time.
He should know, since he met the sword. (Who do you think put it in the rock? - Schrodinger)
"If you don't bring the best HELLSING, and only Hellsing has to offer, to fight the best Millennium has, I will personally teleport out of here, find a British nuke, and teleport it back here up your ass and detonate the warhead!"
Integra raised a gloved hand and wiped the spittle off her face. With a casual grace Integra reached under her desk and retrieved a pump action shotgun, which she promptly shoved against Schrodinger balls.
"Thank you for delivering the message. Now get off my DESK!"
"PAIN!" The officers turned to see Schrodinger teleport into their midst, hands cupping his crotch and face contorted in, well, pain.
You okay? Hans placed a reassuring hand on the neko's back.
"I had my balls blown off, so what do you think?!" Woman one, men zero.
"Man, Schrodinger," Felicity drawled. "you've been had on every front, haven't ya?" Rip elbowed her in the side.
"Don't tease him. You did good Schrodinger."
"Ahem!" The Major drew all their attention to him. Standing upon their chosen battlefield, he seemed almost two feet taller. He exuded power and confidence, dominating the rolling hills around them and instilling a sense of awe in his subordinates. Felicity understood his smile now. He's been seeing this day since the fall of Third Reich, no, even before then. Since his very conception, Montana Max has been living in this day, and now that he is here he couldn't be happier. No, happiness isn't the right word to describe how he feels. If Felicity had to guess, it was similar to how she felt when she joined Millennium.
It was like feeling for the first time in your life, you were where you truly belonged, and nothing could ever surpass that.
"The time has come to pull back the curtain. Our grand reveal has been made, and we have stepped onto the stage to fight our magnificent battle against a worthy foe! Are you ready?"
"Ja!" Resounded from all of them, using the one word of German Felicity actually knows.
"Then let us wage-" A shoe hit the Major in the back of the head.
"What the bloody f*ck is all that racket?!" The stunned soldiers looked behind him at the large mansion, specifically the open window where Integra was leaning out, Pip's other shoe in hand and ready to be flung, until she saw Millennium. "You choose my backyard for the battle?"
"Yes," The Major rubbed his sore head, but his smile never faltered. "Unless you want a battle in a more populated area, say London perhaps, you would be wise to muster your forces and meet us here before we come in."
Integra sent him the coldest glare she could manage before throwing the shoe and retreating into her manor. (I'm not retreating. I'm advancing in a different direction! - Integra) (Sure - Alucard) (Get out of my diary- I mean journal. F*CK! - Integra)
Major ducked under the thrown projectile before turning back to his men.
"Battle speech is over. Good luck with the battle!"
"I call the Copper chick!" Zorin yelled. Felicity shot her a cold look.
"No, Hans and I will handle this."
"What? Do you think we are going to let the past fifty something years go to waste so only you and Hans can enjoy he battle?!" Zorin raged.
"Look, I understand your frustration, but think of this based on your strength and ability. Zorin, you rely on your illusions to ensnare your enemy, but that won't work on other vampires. Schrodinger hasn't killed anyone except Kenny, and that doesn't count." Schrodinger and Zorin huffed in annoyance, but acknowledged her logic. "And Rip, you've already lost to Alucard before. Sending you out now would be sending you to an early grave."
"What makes you any different?!" Rip shouted back at her, eyes welling up. "I can understand Hans, but why do you have to fight them?"
Felicity closed the distance between them and cupped Rip's face in her hands.
"Because he made me. His power is mine, and I think it's the only thing that can fight him head on. So please," She kissed Rip briefly before pulling away. ", stay safe so I have someone to come back to when all is said and done."
"…okay." Rip begrudgingly turned from Felicity to Hans. "Don't let her act reckless or do her normal shtick."
I'll keep her safe. Hans drew his pistols and turned back to the manor. Let's go.
"Right!" The cat lover bounded off after Hans with a parting glance to Rip and the others.
"Well now what do we do?" Zorin huffed. "Sit on the lawn and watch the battle?"
"Would you like some chairs?" A shiver went down her spine as she turned to find Pip standing behind her, somehow in the middle of the group but unseen before then.
"How the hell did you get there?"
"I've learned some of Walter's old tricks, which is about the only good thing I've gotten as of late." Now that she wasn't startled, she saw Pip was different than the last time she him, albeit she spent more time strangling him than looking. He was wearing Walter's clothes, monocle and all. His hair had been redone and looked like an enlarged versions of Walter's ponytail. For all intents and purposes, he was like a young Walter, but with brown hair and French accent. "So do you want those lawn chairs?"
Since Zorin was having trouble contemplating this, the Major answered.
"That would be lovely, Mr. Bernadotte. Tell me, are you enjoying your current employment?"
With seating arrangements settled, the non-combatants, meaning the rest of Millennium, Integra, and the Wild Geese, gave the four supernatural beings their space.
"So this is it?" Seras said, fiddling with her Harkonnen. They had found the Harkonnen Mark II among Walter's things, along with Pip's current attire, but he didn't have the time to finish it before his death.
"Yes it has Seras. It's not too late for you back out. None of us want to kill you." Felicity told her, but kept her eyes on Alucard. Seras' lips pulled curled into a snarl, to everyone's surprise.
"You think… I would just run away, leave everyone to be slaughtered by the f*cking Nazis because I don't want to deal with it? Of all people…I expected more from you!"
"Seras…" Felicity was hurt. Sure, she spent most of her time with Seras manipulating and worming out information, but she didn't feel any malice towards her. After Christmas, most of the officers took a liking to her, or at least found her amusing.
Seras Victoria. Hans moved in front of his comrade. If you want to fight, you'll fight-
Seras, Alucard, and Felicity cocked their heads to the side.
"Is he paralyzed in fear of my fledgling?" Alucard asked.
"I'm unsure…you okay Hans?" Felicity poked him, but Hans' eyes remained firmly locked on a point ahead of him. The combatants followed his gaze to Seras, and then to the black cat behind her.
"What?" Arthur lifted his head from his paws and looked back at them. "I put the seat down if that's the problem." Alucard trembled for a second in recollection.
You're that thing from Doc's lab! Hans growled, dropping to all fours and patches of white fur sprouting from his pores. The cat!
"Oh, the dumb dog man." Arthur bore his teeth. "I've been wondering how good you would taste."
"Arthur!" Felicity gasped. "I told you to only eat tuna."
"About that…" Seras let out a nervous laugh. "We ran out so he may have gotten to some of my blood bags."
"And my hat." Alucard pointed at the bite in his wide brim hat, which he quickly fixed.
"And my cigars." Integra said through a megaphone. Pip took it next.
"Half my scarf." The megaphone was passed off to another mercenary.
"My love life!"
"I told you not to mention us in public!" Two men quarreled, ending in one running away crying and the other soon following. One awkward moment later, another merc picked up the megaphone.
"My teddy bear!"
"My grandma!" The megaphone was then picked up by someone unfamiliar and dressed differently than the other Geese.
"My Kunai! Believe it!"
"My free loading, big breasted cat lady who is better than my flat chested partner!" That was followed by a girl with pig tails hitting the silver haired boy with a dictionary.
"My arm, leg, and little brother's body!"
"He turned my soul into a stone and made me a witch!"
"My notebook of death!"
"My Millennium Puzzle!"
"My innocence!" Startled gasps followed. "The material in my arm, not the virginity thing. A superhuman Lolita took that ages ago in Germany."
"My Shikon Jewel!"
"My Nerve Gear and online wife!"
"The feathers that make up my beloved princesses soul!"
"My sonic screwdriver!"
ENOUGH! Hans roared, now completely wolf, and lunged for Arthur. Arthur turned tail and ran back to the manor, with a salivating Hans behind him. The cat leapt through the nearest window and disappeared into the darkness of the manor.
Here's doggy! Hans yelled in a very Shining-esq way before following.
"Well…that was awkward." Felicity dead panned.
"So where were we?" Seras asked.
"It appeared you were going to fight the werewolf, but he's busy with your pet so I guess you'll sit this one out while I fight the burning bush." Alucard said offhandedly.
"Are you sure, master?"
Alucard chuckled and ruffled her hair. "She may be a vampire of mine, but she's hardly worth either of our time. I'll have this done in time for our midnight snack."
"Oh no you won't!" Felicity snapped, pointing a knife at Alucard and another at Seras. "I'll take you both on and win."
Seras and Alucard cocked matching brows before adopting matching animalistic grins. Alucard raised his hand cannons while Seras her cannon. (because bitches love cannons – Alucard). Felicity spun her knives in the palms of her hands until she held them backhanded.
"Today's a good day for you to die." Alucard said cockily.
"For our ancestor's ancestors, attack!" Seras took the initiative, firing a depleted uranium round towards Felicity's chest. She didn't budge an inch as the round approached, until it was less than a foot away. Her knives came together, pinching the round and stopping its deadly trajectory from continuing.
"Is that all you've got?" The red head taunted, letting the round fall to the ground. "You aren't cut out for this life, Seras. Maybe you should retire while you're behind."
"Grrr…" Seras growled, throwing her cannon to the side, and charged Felicity. "Don't patronize us!"
With a cocky grin she sheathed her knives in time to duck the first punch, but the follow up cross that would have hit her chest caught her in the jaw. Grin now shattered, Felicity returned fire with an uppercut.
To her surprise, Seras dodged the blow with practiced ease and lashed out with a kick to her gut as she intended earlier. Felicity lurched forward in pain, giving Seras the opportunity to grab her by her hair and smash her head into the ground.
Spitting out a clump of dirt, Felicity said "Where did you learn those moves?"
"Oh my," Seras stepped onto her back and pulled back on her arms until they threatened to pop out of their sockets "it's almost like I was a police girl!"
"Sarcasm is unbecoming- JESUS CHRIST ON A PIKESTAFF!" Felicity screamed as an arm was violently dislocated. "Can you not take a joke?"
"Shut up!" The remaining arm followed the first. "Do you think this is funny?"
"A…no, it isn't funny, humorous, or even mildly entertaining. If this was a book, I'd have stopped reading at the prologue."
"Maybe you should have, but it's too late now." Seras raised a foot over her head "It's time for you to-"
"Take this seriously? Yes, it is." A woolen serpent wrapped around Seras' neck and threw her off its owner. Satisfied the attacker was incapacitated for the moment, it returned to its master's shoulders.
"Alright, know I want you to gently pop my arms back into- OH COME ON!" She screamed once again as the scarf not-so-gently forced her arms back into their sockets. "I control you through shear mental will, and you still disobey me!" Felicity spat.
"Well that was somewhat enjoyable, but I'm growing bored." If it was possible, her expression soured even more at Alucard's voice. Knives were out in a flash and begging for blood.
"Let's end this, once and for all, Count Chocula!" Crouching as low as she could, she leapt into the air with high caliber bullets trailing millimeters below her. She rose higher and higher, far exceeding what she had achieved in her fight with Anderson.
Her body curled into a ball, becoming more aerodynamic and improving speed. When she neared the apex of her jump, she released both knives into free fall and descended with them.
"Tiro Finale!" Her leg struck out and hit the first knife by the butt of the handle. "Burn in hell you assho-" The words died, and so did her descent. Her scarf tightened around her neck, holding her in place hundreds of feet above the ground below.
As she struggled to pry the scarf from her neck, she peered down to see if her attack had hit its mark. When she peered down, she was surprised to find Alucard was nowhere to be seen, and her knives lay in bullet ridden pieces where he once was. What was stranger was Seras Victoria, who wasn't looking at her, but behind her.
No. Felicity thought. As if on command, the scarf turned her around until her nose brushed against a red, wide brim hat.
"Poor show, traitor, I expected more." He laughed heartily in her face before turning to her petrified comrades below.
"You put all your faith in one girl, one thing not worthy of being a monster or a man. Your trump was this turncoat. After fifty five years, this is the best you can do?" He shook his head and laughed. "This is pathetic Major! You would have done better sending the dog to fight me, but no! The great Lazte Battalion sends a little girl to fight Count Dracula, Millennium's ace a mere pup!"
"A p-pup…you trained…" He scowled and turned to see Felicity struggling to leer at him. He grabbed her chin and shook her.
"Yes…I did, and it's a mistake I'll regret for the rest of my days. I suppose it's fitting I control the very thing you came to me for and kill you with it. Goodbye, Felicity Ira, and join your father in hell."
Rip looked on in horror as her love dangled on high, legs thrashing as she struggled against her own scarf.
"Major, we have to do something!"
"I…don't…know." His expression was nowhere near as severe as Rip's, but conveyed the same emotion. "I'd planned for everything, every last detail, until Felicity came along. I don't know what we can do…"
"…join your father in hell." They turned skywards once again.
Alucard slowly reached up, as though to grab Felicity, when he pulled back and grabbed his bow tie. With deliberate slowness, he pulled the bow by the loops. With every centimeter he pulled, the scarf squeezed tighter.
Felicity cast Alucard one last venomous glare before locking eyes with Rip.
"Felicity…" Both reached out for the other longingly, until Alucard pulled the bow taught.
Like the cork off a bottle of champagne, Felicity's head came off of its shoulders and shot into the air, while the body fell down to the earth.
"NO!" Rip cried out, already running headlong to catch the remains. She was halfway there when Schrodinger teleported into the air and grabbed them, bring them to rest beside Rip.
"No, no, no, no, no. This can't be happening!" She cradled the head against her chest. "No, no, no!"
"Rip…" She looked up to see Schrodinger, turned away from her and shaking with rage. "Please take Felicity, Major, and Doc, and go."
"We'll stay here," Zorin casually walked past her and stood beside the neko, scythe resting on her soldiers. "and try our luck with Big Red."
"You'll die!" Rip yelled at them. "Look what he did to Felicity! Look at her!"
Schrodinger and Zorin turned away, unable to comply.
"Yes, look at your cat. She has suffered the same fate you will, soon enough." Alucard spoke playfully, slowly descending to the grass a few feet in front of them where Seras was waiting with cannon in hand.
"You don't even have the right to mention her!" Schrodinger snapped, taking a step forward only for Seras to level her weapon at him.
"Back off." She told him, eyes darting between him and the corpse. Her hands trembled a little, but Schrodinger didn't doubt she would shoot.
"No, we're finishing this fight!" Schrodinger pulled out his own silver knife and teleported behind her. "This is for Felicity!" He brought the knife down, aiming for her heart, when a bullet hit him in the back of the head.
"This is just sad." Alucard picked up Schrodinger's limp body by the collar of his shirt. "Your dragon stands before you, and this is all you can do?" Schrodinger resurrected, but with Alucard holding onto him, he couldn't teleport without bringing Alucard with him.
"You know what," Alucard moved closer to Schrodinger's neck. "you aren't even worth fighting. I'm so bored I'd rather eat you than fight you."
Come on you dumb bastard, Schrodinger thought, eat me and die.
"Unhand that boy. It's supposed to be my job to grab small children!" Alucard turned, to Schrodinger's dismay.
What idiot ruined my plan? The neko boy turned as well to see, to their amazement, Vincent Ira.
"And my least favorite papist returns!" Alucard rolled his eyes and dropped the captive. "Have you come to avenge your previous vessel or are you just here to haunt me?"
"Haunt you? I wouldn't go anywhere near you if I didn't have to." Vincent thrust a finger against Alucard's chest. "But I have to ask you one thing."
"Oh? Well then, ask away. I'm dying to hear what could be of such great concern that you would linger on this mortal coil to ask me."
Vincent sucked in a deep, unnecessary breath.
"Where. Is. Walter?"
"Where is Walter?" Walter turned from Alucard and eyed everyone. "I've been watching since Felicity arrived, and haven't seen him. Where is the bloody butler?!"
Integra picked up the megaphone and began. "Walter has-"
"-died." Seras finished, eyes downcast. "A few days ago, I ate Walter."
"You what?!" Schrodinger gasped. "You ate your own butler?"
"I didn't want to, but he begged me! He told me "Police girl, you must do this" and when I didn't, he slit his throat. I was drenched in his blood and he said "only you can stop it, Police Girl." The smell drove me to drink him in and I…I…" She broke down into sobs.
"It's alright, Seras." Vincent ran a hand down her back comfortingly.
"Are you satisfied now?" Alucard stopped tapping his foot in impatience, and being a vampire that was something.
"Yes I am. But before I go back to sleep," He left Seras and knelt next to his daughter's body. "It's time to wake up, my sadistic kitten." He reached out to bop the severed head when a hand shot out and stopped him. It wasn't Rip's hand.
"Five more minutes dad. You don't know how comfy Rip is as a pillow." Felicity's voice rang through their heads, but the severed head didn't move. The body, however, shot up like a bolt, and blindly groped around for the head. "Can I get a hand, or head, in this case?"
"Ms. Van Winkle, may I?" Vincent reached out for the head Rip was still clutching in shock. Reluctantly, she released her grip and let Vincent place it back onto its body. Shadows seeped out from the seam, forming a small black band around her neck before fading out of existence.
"Oh it's good to be back!" Felicity said, stretching her arms over her head. She didn't get the chance to finish as Rip tackled her from behind.
"I thought you were dead! Again! Stop doing that or I'll…I'll…I'll do something!"
"Okay, I'll stop faking my death. Happy?" Felicity helped her lover to her feet. "But first, I have to finish off Alucard."
"How are you moving now?" Alucard growled.
Felicity gave him her best mad smile, which caused the Joker all the way in Gotham City to void his bowels.
"You see, we took a little trip to Russia before coming here."
"You mean there was a point to that slaughter?" Schrodinger said, bewildered.
"Yes, there was a point. Alucard is damn near unkillable, and I'm making that a word by the way, because of the many souls he has consumed over the centuries. To give myself a fighting chance, I went to a Russian airport, killed everyone there, fought through lines of riot shield equipped police officers, and stole a plane to England. Inside me are hundreds of angry Russians, and they just ran out of vodka."
"Oh yeah!" A talking pitcher of Kool-Aid jumped through the wall of the manor, and was quickly chased back inside by Arthur and Hans working in tandem.
"Okay then…" Felicity decided to ignore the Kool-Aid man. "Where were we?"
"You finished saying how you survived being decapitated." Seras offered.
"Thanks. Now you may be wondering why I let myself get "killed" by Alucard. The answer to that is simple. I needed to test out my abilities and gauge how I would do in a fight with Alucard using my normal method. After reading the shoddily written notes of my father I've learned that won't work on him-"
"Hey, my writing isn't that bad!"
"If you spent less time with little Timmy glued to your crotch you might actually learn to write better than a doctor!"
"Don't you talk to your father like that!"
"Complain later. I have to kill Alucard so we can all go home." She cracked her knuckles.
"You'll have to go through me first." Seras growled. Felicity adopted a somber expression and approached her slowly.
"I don't need to."
"And why is that?"
"Because you're going to move on your own after I tell you something." Felicity reached out and rested her hand on the Harkonnen, but made no move to, well, move it. (What do you expect? After eighteen chapters I've run out of adjectives and verbs! - Wolf) (Quit your bitching nancy and get back to writing. - Felicity)
"Seras, Walter hasn't called you Police Girl since Christmas."
"What…does that mean?"
"Who calls you Police Girl incessantly and wants you to drink blood more than anyone else? Who is capable of forcing the great Walter to do what they want?"
"Ma-master…" Seras slowly turned, face twisted in horror, to face Alucard. "you couldn't have…"
But he had, or so the Jackal shoved against her ribcage told her.
"Tsk tsk. You just had to look into the abyss." Alucard pulled back on the hammer. "But guess what. The abyss looks back."
His finger found the trigger.
He pulled the trigger.
Yet, the bullet never left the chamber.
A thin wire, gleaming in the moonlight, wrapped around his gun and cut through the metal, including the silver tipped bullet inside.
"What in the blood soaked protestant hell just happened?"
"It appears, Father Anderson, that the butler is back."
"Guys, why do I have vague memories of the last time I met Felicity?"
"You want to do the honor's, or shall?"
"I'll do it Father, but you get the next one."
"Aye." So Heinkel knocked Yumiko out, knocking her off the lawn chair she was sitting on and sent her tumbling down the hill until Yumie took over and climbed back up, righting her seat and continuing to eat Yumiko's popcorn.
"What did I miss?"
"Nothing much, Yumie. We've been here for under an hour and have already seen more plot twists than a Spanish soap opera." Heinkel said, swiping some of Yumie's popcorn.
"Aye. Can we go and kill them all yet?"
Maxwell hit Anderson with a rolled up newspaper from behind.
"I want us to wait until they kill each other. If we rush in now, we would be lucky if only Heinkel made it out alive."
Yumie snorted. "Like that would happen."
"Walter!" Everyone gasped in surprise, save Alucard who growled.
What the fuck is with all the twists?! It's like a bad Twilight fanfic, Alucard thought, Not that I would know what one looked like…
"Yes, I'm back." Walter ended the short staring contest he had with Alucard to give Seras an apologetic look. "And Seras, I'm sorry you had to do what you did, but it wasn't your fault." Although I thought it was bloody obvious when I kept calling you Police Girl rather than your name! "It was Alucard who made me say those things."
"But why didn't you speak up sooner?"
"If I had told you, Alucard said he would kill you, so I remained silent till he decided to kill you anyway."
"Don't you see now," Felicity and Vincent flanked Seras on either side. ", Alucard has been using everyone, for hundreds of years he has manipulated those around him into killing for him, killing each other, and even themselves! Alucard is the foulest beast from the deepest circle of Hell imaginable! He is no man, not even a monster." The duo pointed at the nosferatu. "He is the corpse in our closet, driving us mad in fear of its discovery, bending us the will of the weak! But we won't cower from him anymore. The only way to get rid of the skeleton, rend the control from out of its decrepit claws, is to open the door and reveal to the world what Alucard really is!"
"Walter, Vincent, grab him!" Felicity commanded. Alucard fired madly at the familiars, but every shot fired was either batted out of the air by a shadowy tendril or bisected by a garrote wire. The butler, with a calm grace, and Vincent, who struggled not to jump or cower whenever a bullet came his way, walked through the hail of fire until they were within arm's reach of Alucard.
"What? You think you can actually kill me?! ME! Do your worst." He dropped his empty gun and spread his arms to the side. Walter restrained his arms while Vincent went behind him and put Alucard in a full Nelson. "A full Nelson? That won't work on me. I'm Raditz- I mean Alucard."
Felicity came face to face with her maker and felt a strong urge to spit in his face, but knew better.
"You've taken my life. Now it's time to pay you in kind."
She stood on her tip toes and craned her neck to Alucard's.
"Is the part where I close my eyes and ask you to take me-" Felicity's hand clamped over his mouth.
"Shut up." Without further hesitation, she sank her teeth flesh of Alucard's neck.
"Five more minutes, dad."
"Felicity, wake up!"
She was shaken awake, startled out of her apparent sleep. Looking around, she found herself in her father's car with a splitting headache.
"Oh hey dad. I had the weirdest dream."
"I'd imagine." Vincent put his head on her forehead. "We've been out for a while. Must have hit something."
"I mean it was so damn vivid. There was this guy and I was doing something to his neck." Vincent gave her a queer look.
"Two things. One, don't tell me about your wet dreams. Two, I thought you liked woman."
"I do like woman…but I never told you that, except in the dream." He pulled back and reached for the door handle.
"Well you've made it pretty obvious. Now let's see what we hit."
They disembarked and walked to the front. In place of what Felicity felt should have been a wolf, was a deer, nothing special about it, just a deer.
"Look at my car! It's going to cost me so much to get it repaired."
Of course he focuses on the car. That is so like…no it isn't. He always values life.
"Dad, can I ask you something?"
"Sure." Felicity hugged her father from behind while he surveyed the damage to the car.
"Would you fight my battles?"
"You're nineteen, so I think you can handle your own problems."
She broke the hug. "That's all I needed to know."
"Good, then can you get my phone from the-" The words died in his throat when a hand entered his heart.
"Nice try, Alucard. Almost had me for a minute there, but you forgot one thing."
The Vincent façade melted away, revealing Alucard in a black straight jacket.
"Im-impossible! I read your files and interrogated Vincent. I know almost everything about you!"
"Correct, you know everything, but Vincent didn't! He's a horrible father who thinks I'm twenty five!"
With the fist shoved through his heart, Alucard's illusion began to fade, the long stretch of road fading out and being replaced with the cream colored realm Felicity saw when first turned into a vampire.
"So this is how it ends? Well then listen to me you stupid idiot. I am undefeatable. You can never stop me! Death is only the beginning! Now if you'll excuse me, I'll see you in Hell!" Alucard barked, shadow's seeping out of the wound.
"Death was the beginning, wasn't it? But for you death isn't good enough, at least by my hands. Would you care to look down?"
With nothing else to do, Alucard obliged her. Perhaps for the first time since he became a vampire, Alucard felt actual fear. Writhing like an angered sea was countless bodies, blindly groping skyward towards him. Alucard new each and every one of them down below.
After all, they were his familiars.
"How are they here?"
"You should know that one, but I guess I can tell you." Felicity sighed. "I couldn't kill you from the outside because I was only killing the familiar's souls rather than yours. That's why I drank your blood, to pull you in and fight on even ground. Now you almost had me with the whole staged crash thing, but it left you open to me once I deduced your identity. Now the familiars, they tagged along for the ride. I didn't take them all in, only a hundred thousand or so. And look down there!" She pointed with her free hand. "I think Alhambra really wants to play a game of fifty two pick, or cut, up with you."
"You can't do this! I made you!" Felicity pressed Alucard against the transparent floor and placed her foot on his back.
"Just who the hell do you think I am? I'm Felicity, not my dad. I'm me! Felicity the killer!"
She stomped on his back, pushing Alucard through the floor and to the swirling abyss below. It seemed fitting watching him being impaled on his own men's spears.
"If you're going to dig, dig to the heavens. No matter what's in my way, I won't stop. Once I've dug through, it means that I've won." Felicity turned from the scene unfolding beneath her. "And today I've won."
Felicity's eyes snapped open just in time to see Alucard's body turn to something that was neither sand, not rust, and be swept away by the wind, leaving nothing behind but the Casull.
"You're back!" Rip glomped Felicity, almost knocking them both to the ground. "You said you would stop scaring me!"
"No, I said I would stop faking my death. Never said anything about killing vampires in incredibly dangerous ways."
"Now I don't want you to do either of them, okay?"
"Rip, I don't think there are any other vampires like Alucard, so this won't be happening anytime soon."
"You think you won?"
Felicity and Rip saw the spectators had closed the distance between them, with Integra in the lead. Furious was the understatement of the century if one described her as such.
"I do. Your pet is dead and I don't think Seras is going to fight me." Felicity replied cockily.
"Walter!" Integra barked. She waited a beat, but upon seeing no dismembered cat lover deigned to look at her butler. "Walter?"
"Sir Integra, I'm afraid I haven't been truthful with you." Walter began, stepping to the side to let the Major finish for him.
"I've been employing your butler's services since 1944. He won't hurt us because he is one of us."
Okay, now she was furious.
"Captain Bernadotte! Search and destroy! Leave no trace of these traitorous scum on my property, on my country! Search and destroy!" You could practically see foam at the corners of her mouth.
The clicks of AK-47's being loaded with fresh magazines greeted her ears.
"Now." She ordered.
"Integra." Felicity said. "You might want to turn around."
"Oh fuck all kinds of duck."
"No." Pip replied coolly, back in his mercenary attire. "The fowl are done being fucked with."
"Not you too, Pip! Of all people, I expected you the le-actually of all people you should have betrayed me first, being a mercenary and all." Pip rolled his eyes.
"Says the woman surrounded by flesh eating vampires and disgruntled former employees." Pip rolled his eyes.
"So this is it, Major? You going to kill me and then the rest of the country?" Her calm air was all but shattered, defeat weighing heavily upon her.
"Kill you? The country?" The Major stammered before bursting out into laughter, followed by the rest of Millennium. "Why on Earth would we do that?"
"I'll admit my original plan was similar to that, but things have changed. I've realized I can create more war by running a country than by ruining one. You, on the other hand, are different matter entirely. My real quarrel was with Alucard, not the woman who controlled him. I guess I'll leave your fate up to the conquering hero."
"Should we kill her?" Rip pondered.
"Or eat her?" Felicity continued in between fits of laughter.
"I vote to kill her, you agnostic fuck buckets."
Once again, every turned (There is more turning in this entire story than there is dialogue! - Felicity)as one unit to see Anderson and the forces of Iscariot had somehow surrounded them. Enrico Maxwell stood beside his paladin with a smug look of satisfaction.
"I believe this is checkmate."
"And the sleeping lion makes his move!" The Major cried with portly glee. "But a move he already undermined months prior."
"What do you mean, you fascist dwarf?" The Major reached into his coat, retrieved a tape recorder.
"In my hands I hold the recording of a certain phone call made from Bishop Enrico Maxwell to Integra Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing. It was made on Christmas, recorded by the late butler of the Hellsing family, and delivered unto me shortly before his death." Maxwell's face was petrified in shock. "What this Nazi dwarf means, is that if you don't leave this country, I'll have your name ruined, your position stripped, and your life reduced to that of a beggar. Tell me, are you feeling lucky punk?"
Major expected a response. He didn't expect the bishop to faint, falling to the ground, with his men walking away in shame of their leader. Anderson stopped to grab his foot and drag him away, while Yumie left Rip, Zorin, and Seras her number. She already slipped Felicity a copy when they first met. What amazed her was how Yumie got it in her bra when her hands didn't go under her shirt.
"That, my dear, is how you properly threaten someone, not with puppy dog eyes." He shook his head and made for the manor. "Come, we have much work to do. Countries to conquer, armies to raise, and a few wars to start."
"Be right there Major!" Felicity called out. "Just need to wrap up one last loose end." She and Rip turned to Integra, sadistic smiles splayed across their faces.
With Hellsing conquered, there was nothing stopping Millennium from taking control of England. Oddly enough, and despite their Nazi roots, Millennium was seen as one of the most effective government regimes in the country's history, especially when you replace the entire government, thus removing the corrupt elements and allowing for actual work to be done.
The Schrodinger Laws legalized most drugs as long as they were sold by a government sanctioned dealer, eliminating the illegal drug trade, and putting Earl Phantomhive out of business, while generating millions in taxable revenue.
The Major and Zorin, with an army made from vampires, trained mercenaries, and the existing British military, took England to war in Middle East, winning public favor for being the first country that "Wants your blood, not your oil or religion."
Hans and Arthur united all the countries animal rights groups into one super group that would become more feared than PETA, but less crazy and more active. (Oh come on! Now you're just trying to piss people off! - Felicity) (Screw the rules, I have money! – Seto Kaiba)
Hans and Schrodinger tried to give their relationship another go, but once again, Hans realized he was straight. Schrodinger did not, but the short shorts he wears should have told him that ages ago.
While visiting a gun show, Hans ran into Heinkel and, after a bloody five day battle, fell in love. They've been going steady for two years now.
With Heinkel distracted, Yumie returned to Japan. Yumiko awoke the next day to find herself in bed with five different women and dressed in shredded wedding gown.
Anderson remained blissfully unaware of Heinkel's relationship, but did take the time to rescue Yumiko. Afterwards, she didn't seem to have a problem with her pacifism interfering with her work.
Seras and Pip began dating shortly after Alucard's demise, despite Pip's trouble with fidelity and time overseas, made the relationship work. In a foreplay related incident, he was turned into a vampire. In a separate foreplay related incident, some of the Wild Geese were turned into Neko men.
While Pip was leading his men, Seras gave up the soldier life as Felicity recommended and started a restaurant with Schrodinger and Walter, again by Felicity's recommendation.
Speaking of Felicity….
She settled down with Rip in a small, two story house, nestled into the countryside, with walls that gleamed red in the moonlight. A white picket fence surrounded it, creating a sizeable yard. Rip and Felicity sat on a blanket in the yard, looking up at the sky wrapped in each other's arms. Sitting a few feet away was Integra, sitting on her hind legs and occasionally letting out small meows or scratching her nekomimi. Felicity reached behind her and retrieved a jar of peanut butter.
"I thought that trick was for dogs?" Rips asked. (How the f*ck do you know this?! - Felicity) (Nip Tuck - Rip) (I'm calling the ASPCA and raiding that house! – Hans)
"I could have made her think she was a dog, but you know I love cats. After all…"
"You are, and always will be, Millennium's New Cat."
Wolf: Over 9000 words in this chapter alone, the most I've ever done, over 3000 views, 63 reviews, 15 favorites, and 13 follows.
Felicity: I'll miss you all! Miss you so much.
Wolf: This story changed so much from what I originally intended. I once found a story, which I think was removed because I can't find it even in my review history, that was full of absurd Millennium stories and it was amazing. Millennium fighting off a horde of ninjas while playing their favorite TF2 characters only to have Hans out badass everyone and pull out two katanas was hilarious. That was what I wanted my story to be originally, but sadly, I lacked the creativity to make all that. So I made on OC and started from there. Felicity has changed so much from what I tried to make her, but damn it all I couldn't make her like a heartless, manipulating, serial killer like I tried to. I think I started loving the character more than then Rip.
Rip: Not possible.
Schrodinger: WHY AM I GAY?! I don't want to take it up the bum anymore! Every damn fanfic has me taking it up the bum! *cries*
Hans: At least I got Heinkel, which is an oddly fitting relationship if you think about it. Don't know why no one has done it, or at least more often.
Zorin: I didn't get much in the end…
Wolf: I find you incredibly hard to like and you should be glad I spared you for pointy22's sake!
Major: At least I got my war.
Pip: Foreplay related incident?
Seras: Yup. I finally got out of the crazy business with a happy ending!
Alucard :*can't talk, too busy being killed*
Walter: I'm still a badass, even in death! Don't forget me!
Integra: Meow meow MEOW!
Arthur: Hey! You not real cat. Oh well, might as well finish. I'll need tuna and a smoke when finished though. Bow chicka meow meow!
Felicity: Time for me to go, this story is over, but maybe I'll come back in a future sequel. What I can say for certain, however, is that I'll be coming in later on in Lonewolf's next story "The Multiplayer Chronicles", a Call of Duty fanfic about the multiplayer. Give it a look, it's funny.
Ricky Gervais: That's my line.
Wolf: I'm getting the last line here! It's my story!
Felicity: Thanks for sticking with us, though thick and thin, prompt updates and delays. You made this story worth writing. So please, I ask, no beseech, no BEG YOU IN ALL YOUR MERCY TO REVIEW THIS FINAL CHAPTER! REVIEW! I GET 90 PLUS PEOPLE TO READ AND ONLY 5 REVIEW! FOR THIS FINAL CHAPTER, GIVE ME EVERYTHING YOU HAVE. All your love, all your hate, and your sorrow. Give it to me!
Wolf: Nice speech.
Felicity: Good night guys. It's been a funny, sexy, gory, awesome, and raunchy ride. We've given everything we have. It's time I take a bow, and leave the stage to take a nap, regain my strength, and return upon the morn! Arrivederci!
:3 Millennium's New Cat :3
:3 Fin :3