Title: Live With Yourself

Author: Femvamp

Disclaimer: American Horror Story: Asylum belongs to Ryan Murphy and other people who aren't me.

Spoilers: Season 2 Episode 7 Dark Cousin

A/N: This will be my first multi chapter fic. Don't know how many chapters or how long each chapter will be. Some may be longish some may be very very short but this will only last for a week (until next episode) then I will end it regardless of the number of chapters I include.

SUMMARY: How do you live with yourself?

Sister Jude

She drank.

She was a drunk. A drunken whore. That was the easiest way to describe her in her youth. When she was young and vibrant and had her whole life in front of her, she drank it all away and nearly killed a young girl in the process. She thought she had killed the girl.

How had she lived with herself? That had always been the question. She found God. That was how. She thought God had found her, given her a purpose; to help poor broken souls find peace. Briarcliff was going to be her greatest achievement. It was going to be her purpose. Instead it became her downfall.

She knew she was strict. She had to be. These poor souls needed structure and discipline. They needed rules. They needed guidance from a strong hand. They needed her. They needed her to be strong. They needed Sister Jude the strong and sure not Judy Martin the drunken lounge singer which is what she really was. She had once laughed when she was told that the Apostle Jude was the patron Saint of lost causes because maybe that was what she always was; a lost cause.

In the end maybe it was her ability to live with her own sins that was her greatest strength. Her ability to move on when she probably should have just crawled in a ball and die or maybe it was her high tolerance for alcohol. It didn't matter anymore.

She had only one more thing to do, before the end.

She had to stop Arden and Sister Mary Eunice.

She had to protect the patients at Briarcliff. They were the closest things to children she would ever have. They were the closest thing to a family she ever really had. That was the sad thing; or maybe it was the thing that made her human. She wasn't sure anymore. It didn't matter anymore.

She found a purpose at last.

Sister Jude...no she was no longer a nun...Judy Martin walked back into the diner where she had met with the angel and sat down with a bottle of bourbon.

They would be here for her soon.

She was going back to Briarcliff.

One way or another.

"This is how I live with myself." She toasted the empty booth and waited.