Seme and Seme
Kakashi did not have much warning that Naruto was going to visit before he felt the spike of familiar chakra.
"Kaka-sensei!" Naruto crashed through the door.
Kakashi scrambled to hide under his covers. "I stayed in bed, I promise!"
"This isn't about that!" Naruto yelled from his kitchen, fast approaching.
"What did I do now?" Kakashi whined.
"Iruka-sensei says you need to own up to your feelings and you have no right to treat me this way!" Naruto flung open the door to the bedroom, headed straight for him.
Kakashi scrambled upright in shock, but didn't move fast enough.
Naruto leapt on top of him, straddling Kakashi's hips. He sat there, staring at Kakashi intensely.
Kakashi dropped back a little, propping himself up on his elbows. "Naruto?" The intensity of Naruto's gaze and the crackling of his student's chakra was enough to make him tense inside with fear.
"Start talking," Naruto said. "And make it good."
A sixteen year old is sitting on my legs. Kakashi looked at Naruto with wide eyes.
"Well?" Naruto crossed his arms.
Kakashi couldn't comprehend the situation, couldn't think, couldn't come up with a way not to get hurt.
"Talk!" Naruto shouted. "I know all about your feelings. Just say it."
Kakashi trembled, paling. "I'm sorry." The words came out in a whisper.
"Take off your mask," Naruto said.
The last time he wanted me to put it back on and never show him again. Kakashi reached up with numb fingers and pulled down his mask, silent and wide-eyed.
Naruto's gaze roved over his face so intently that Kakashi's stomach clenched with self-consciousness.
Kakashi didn't know what to expect. Was Naruto going to hit him? He'd done something to make Naruto angry, and Naruto had always been impulsive. Proof of that was in the fact that Naruto sat right on top of him, partially pinning him to the bed. He knew that with one wrong move, he'd find himself completely immobilized. And Naruto was stronger than him now…even if it was only a slight edge, it was still an edge. In an all-out battle, he'd lose.
Naruto reached out slowly with one hand and touched his cheek.
Kakashi flinched, shuddering slightly in spite of himself. No one touched his face but him. He started to turn his head away instinctively and stopped himself, catching sight of the expression in Naruto's eyes. Naruto didn't look angry anymore. His student just looked…solemn. Resolve, and something else less readable, was in Naruto's eyes.
Naruto's fingers trailed down his cheek, following the curve of his jaw, and finally grasped his narrow chin.
Kakashi blinked, and swallowed. "Maa…" He couldn't think of anything to say.
"There's light coming out of your face," Naruto said softly.
Kakashi didn't think he could have heard right. "What?"
"There's light coming out of your face," Naruto said again. His brow furrowed slightly. "I want to taste it." He leaned forward, tilting his head, and then stopped. "From your lips." He stared at Kakashi expectantly.
Kakashi's mouth dried up. Light? Lips? Taste it? "A-Are you alright?" He strove to sound as if everything was normal, when it was very, very not normal.
"Your lips." Impatience flickered across Naruto's face. "Are you going to kiss me or not?"
Kakashi smiled awkwardly, sublimating a flinch. His heart raced with a combination of embarrassment and amusement at being chastised. "I don't know," he managed to say in a relatively calm voice. "What am I kissing you for?"
Naruto's pupils dilated, and he traced Kakashi's lower lip with his fingertips. "Because I want you to."
Kakashi realized what the look was on Naruto's face. Arousal. Deep, gnawing arousal, mingled with determination. Oh, god. What? No. But he couldn't be mistaken, not with the way Naruto's eyes were dilated and the way Naruto touched his lips. "What for?" he asked amiably, trying to buy some time. What should I do? This is surely wrong. I can't reach Yamato in time – he'd keep it a secret, even if he laughed at me. Oh, god, what am I going to do?
Naruto leaned in further. "Because I want to taste you."
Kakashi leaned back, sinking down a little more.
Naruto scowled, frustrated. "Baka sensei. I like you. Can't you just handle it? You've been driving me crazy for four years."
Kakashi flopped flat on his back in shock, and as if sensing his weak moment, Naruto dived in and pressed their mouths together, his lips mashing against Kakashi's in raw neediness.
Kakashi couldn't help but let out a startled, muffled cry and tighten his hand on the back of Naruto's neck, none too subtly telling Naruto to exercise some restraint. He shifted into the kiss, directing and teaching, so that Naruto didn't do that horrible, clumsy, smushing thing. In short order, he had Naruto mouthing his lips properly.
He felt Naruto getting hard, that hardness pressed against his stomach. That told him much more than words would ever have been able to. He means it. He's really attracted to me. How did this happen? Was he like this a few weeks ago?
Kakashi turned his head away, breaking the kiss in order to breathe. He hadn't been kissed in years, and Naruto was a voracious kisser, so much so that Kakashi had no doubt Naruto would learn to use his tongue within the next ten minutes.
That was one thing that had disconcerted Kakashi; Naruto had come back from Jiraiya's training a quick learner. Whatever had held Naruto back before, he'd overcome it during the course of his three years of training.
And he's so strong. Kakashi's heart beat unsteadily.
"Kaka-sensei?" Naruto looked at him uncertainly, as if waking up to what they'd done.
Kakashi met Naruto's gaze. He had no words to offer. He wasn't sure of himself, of how he felt. The most likely reason was that he was still in shock. At least he wasn't terrified, but his mind was blank.
Naruto stroked Kakashi's face aimlessly. His hand was warm and callused.
Kakashi let him. If it helped Naruto stay calm, then it was worth it. And the sensation wasn't exactly unwelcome; just disconcerting. He closed his eyes as Naruto's fingers brushed the underside of his jaw and his neck. Naruto touched a sensitive spot, making him sigh and shiver. He became aware that he was aroused. At that realization, his hips shifted slightly, inadvertently rubbing his clothed hard-on against Naruto's.
His eyes snapped open at Naruto's loud moan. Naruto's head was tipped back to one side, his mouth open, and his left hand went to Kakashi's chest to steady himself. He was shivering.
Kakashi looked at Naruto with wide eyes. He had never seen anything so erotic; not outside the pages of a manga. This wasn't black ink on cheap paper. It was a real human being. A beautiful human being who happened to be a sixteen-year-old boy; a genin with the strength of a jonin; Minato-sensei's son; and his student.
Naruto fisted a handful of Kakashi's black spandex suit and dived in, kissing Kakashi's lips again with barely bridled passion. Kakashi's lips tingled from the force of it, his body buzzing with the way Naruto's chakra crashed down all around him, drowning him, drowning his senses.
Naruto's hand brushed his neck and he gasped, rendered shivering and limp. Naruto shifted his balance and dropped down on top of Kakashi, pressing their bodies together. They were separated by Kakashi's blanket.
Kakashi broke free of the kiss for a moment, panting.
Naruto squirmed, fighting with the blanket. Finally, he kicked it off of Kakashi's body.
Kakashi had a split second's panic, the knowledge of how he wore only his black spandex suit and a pair of boxers underneath. He knew how frail and lithe his body appeared when all he wore was a spandex suit. It hugged his body far too closely, revealed too much.
Naruto lay down over his body, pressing them together again.
The heat pouring off of his student's body felt so good that Kakashi ceased to worry. He closed his eyes and let his head fall back. "Naruto…feels good." He was mildly surprised at the words that emerged.
Naruto let out a low moan in the back of his throat that sounded almost like frustration. He kissed the corner of Kakashi's mouth, then sucked on Kakashi's lower lip.
Kakashi clenched his teeth around a moan. Naruto appeared to be fighting some kind of internal battle. "We need to…talk," he managed to gasp out.
Naruto straightened, straddling his hips again. "You go first – and tell me the truth!" He pointed a finger in Kakashi's face, almost poking Kakashi in the eye.
Kakashi looked at him incredulously. "The truth?" His erection pulsed, a reaction to the loss of warmth and pressure. The truth should be self-evident!
"Yeah!" Naruto looked outraged.
Kakashi looked away, scrambled. The truth? Where do I start? What does he want to know?
Naruto cupped his face in both hands, a gesture of tenderness that unknotted some of the muscles in Kakashi's shoulders and neck. "Why do you hide your face? How come you're so pretty? Why didn't you just tell me!"
Kakashi stared at him blankly. "Maa…It's a habit. I don't know. And if I'd told you, you would have beaten me up."
"Is that what you think?" Naruto exclaimed.
"It is what I think," Kakashi said. "Or else I wouldn't say so."
Naruto's shoulders slumped, and he bowed his head. "Maybe you're right. I was pretty dumb, and it was mean to judge you like that. I made you uncomfortable, so you didn't want to tell me. I understand. I'm sorry, Kaka-sensei." His hands fell away from Kakashi's face.
Kakashi didn't want to see Naruto like this. He never did. "I-It's okay…" He reached up and touched Naruto's cheek, hoping that he understood the meaning of that gesture to Naruto. It seemed one of affection and intimacy, not something sexual.
Naruto closed his eyes, exhaled, and leaned into the touch, rubbing his cheek against the palm of Kakashi's hand. "Kaka-sensei, I just really wanted you to like me. Only every time I got close, I got afraid you would discover my secret. That's what I think. Some small part of me knew how it was that I really felt, and I was scared of you noticing and figuring it out. Because it's super pervy, and no one likes a pervert…"
Kakashi wanted to laugh and cry at the same time. Laugh, because Naruto's misguided naiveté about what constituted perversion never failed to amuse him, and cry, because Naruto had gone through so much pain because of his misunderstandings. "I don't think you're perverted. Being perverted is something else. To me." He hoped that offering that up could ease some of Naruto's pain.
"Really?" Naruto's eyes opened, and he looked at Kakashi hopefully.
"Really," Kakashi said.
Naruto melted and sank down against him, seeking him out for snuggles instead of kisses this time. "I just wanted you to like me…but you always liked Sasuke better."
Kakashi felt a stab of pain. His eyes suddenly burned. "I was…" How could he form words around this emotion? Around his shortcomings, his past mistakes, his emotional wounds? "So many things were going on. But not one of them was me liking Sasuke better."
Naruto rested his head on Kakashi's shoulder and looked at Kakashi with wide eyes. "It wasn't?"
"No." Kakashi hugged Naruto tightly. After a moment, he reached over and grabbed the covers, pulling up his blanket around them. Then he resumed holding Naruto as tightly as he could. He held Naruto with the strength of guilt. "I was fourteen when you were born. I was old enough to know you needed me and too young to be of any use. I fell into a deep depression. I was useless to anyone in that state. Sandaime spent years trying to rehabilitate me. It was slow going when I was punishing myself. And that was all the time. I punished myself all the time. Gai is the one who got me through that."
"Bushy-Brows sensei?" Naruto looked shocked.
"Yes," Kakashi said. "Believe it or not, the man you insist upon calling 'Bushy-Brows Sensei' is a sensitive friend, and a loyal one. I wouldn't be alive if he hadn't looked out for me."
"So how come you ignored me?" Naruto asked in a tiny voice.
"I wasn't worthy to be close to you," Kakashi said. "Also I feared that if you found out the truth of who I was, you would hate me…" He closed his eyes for a moment, overwhelmed with that old feeling of insecurity. "And I felt useless, knowing that I hadn't stopped anything from happening. I hadn't stopped Minato-sensei from dying, I hadn't stopped anyone in the village from vilifying you, I hadn't done anything to make your path in life easier, I hadn't done anything –" He swallowed, tasting bile. The old panic was dangerously close to coming back and consuming him.
"And Sandaime ordered me to pay special attention to Sasuke," Kakashi said, forcing himself to change subject. "He said that only I stood a chance of teaching Sasuke properly, since I was the only one with a matching talent."
"You mean, your sharingan," Naruto said.
Kakashi nodded. "Yes. Though I failed miserably on that count, too." He closed his eyes for a moment, then looked at the ceiling. "I failed as a sensei for all of you. At the most, I'm a dysfunctional friend."
"You're still my sensei," Naruto said, softly and fiercely. "And you can't be any worse than Jiraiya-sensei. He stole my money and left me alone all the time, and taught me it's okay to be a boozing sex hound as long as you're strong."
Kakashi looked at Naruto with wide eyes, and then came dangerously close to laughing. He supposed that without his mask, Naruto could see that. Now that was a new thought: someone being able to watch every emotion cross his face. He'd been told he had an amazingly expressive face.
Naruto reacted with instant fascination, stroking Kakashi's cheeks with both hands.
Kakashi was surprised, but it didn't shock him like it had the first time Naruto touched his face. Like a small child… He watched Naruto for a moment. How did I get myself into this? He knew that Naruto had never so much as tried to ask someone out other than Sakura. And I'm expected to make this work?
But plainly, he was, since Naruto was snuggled up to him, and they had just shared their first kisses, and the specter of past rejection threatened to crush Naruto, much less current rejection. Even if he hadn't loved Naruto, it would have been his duty as a loyal ninja to Godaime Hokage to make sure Naruto didn't shatter, just when everyone needed him most.
"Do you even know anything about homosexual relationships?" Kakashi asked casually.
Naruto shot into a sitting position. "I know lots of stuff, Kaka-sensei! I'm not ignorant!"
Kakashi could have seen this coming. "I wasn't trying to say you were ignorant."
"Yes, you were." Naruto pouted.
Kakashi glanced away. Well, so much for that defense. "Maa…do you?"
"What difference does it make?" Naruto demanded. "I'm here, aren't I?"
Kakashi gestured vaguely with both hands. "Let me put it this way: How do you see yourself in this relationship?" If he was going to cobble together a working relationship out of this mess, he needed to know what Naruto's expectations were. So he didn't fail miserably and hurt everyone. He knew that he would, if he didn't know exactly what he was doing.
"How I see myself?" Naruto looked at Kakashi blankly.
Kakashi tried to come up with a rephrase. "What role do you want to play?"
Kakashi held in his frustration. "Yes, role. Relationships are about roles. Like…people act a certain way, and they expect the other person in their relationship to act a certain way. It's best if people clear the air about such things before they start –"
Naruto gasped. "I know what you mean!"
Kakashi paused. "Yes?"
Naruto pointed a finger in his face, making him flinch. "You mean like seme and uke!"
"Ah, I, uh –"
"I'm not going to be uke!" Naruto yelled. "That's gross!"
Kakashi had never expected Naruto to pull those two words out of the bag. 'Seme' and 'uke' was girly yaoi stuff, as far as he was concerned. People didn't actually define themselves that way. Not unless they were joking, or lying. Great. For all the concepts for Naruto to latch onto…
Nevertheless, Kakashi had to respond to Naruto's objection. Not mention, he didn't want to get stuck with a sixteen-year-old boy who expected him to become some kind of submissive housewife. Kakashi couldn't think of something more terrifying. Unless he considered Gai finding out about it.
He pointed to himself. "So you expect me to be…"
"No!" Naruto gave him an incredulous look. "Neither of us is going to be the uke. We'll both be seme."
Kakashi held up his hands, weak with relief. If that was how Naruto felt, he could clear up the terminology now without hurting Naruto's feelings. "In that case, I think what you mean is wakushuu and anibun."
"Huh?" Naruto looked at him in confusion.
Kakashi pointed at him. "Wakushuu." Then he pointed at himself. "Anibun."
Naruto scratched his head.
"When there is no 'dominant' and 'submissive', there is 'older' and 'younger'," Kakashi said. "It doesn't imply power relationships, it only states an age difference."
"Anibun?" Naruto furrowed his brow. "I thought that was just another word for an older brother."
Kakashi shook his head. "It's also a word for the older person in a homosexual relationship. Actually, there are lots of words for it, but I happen to like that one. Do you have objections?"
"No…" Naruto trailed off. "But why wakushuu? Is there another word for me?"
"I'm afraid not," Kakashi said apologetically. "Wakushuu is the best we've got. Unless you'd like to invent one, that is."
"What about danshi?" Naruto asked. "I'd like that better…and then it wouldn't have those weird overtones." He shuddered. 'Wakushuu' could also refer to a young actor in a troupe, or a male prostitute. Kakashi suspected that the last connotation was the one Naruto shuddered at.
Kakashi smiled. "Okay. Danshi it is, then. I want you to be comfortable."
Naruto rubbed his chin, frowning. "Are these going to be our titles from now on? Am I going to have to call you 'anibun' all the time?"
"What do you mean?" Kakashi asked, startled.
"Kaka-anibun just doesn't have the same ring to it Kaka-sensei does," Naruto complained.
Kakashi tried very hard not to laugh. "You can call me 'Kaka-sensei' all you want, Naruto. Anibun and danshi will just be for clarification."
Naruto looked relieved. "Good."