All That You Are And All You Will Be
I've stepped in to her temple more than once since Xena's death In Japan. Now I know that I'm being called here my heart is guiding me like a blazing fire. It's been two years since Japan and it still hurts she left me behind maybe I should have expected it, I always played second fiddle to her misguided justice. I guess it hurts because I loved the Warrior Princess so much, but I'm starting to see that all things you love leave you in the end. I shouldn't be here ether, but I am here I've been coming here to Aphrodite's temple for over a month now. It started off with talking we'd always been friends and we'd always talked. I had to talk I was alone and it hurt so much and she always listened, when your heart hurts that much you just need someone to listen to you. I never meant to kiss her I never meant to sleep with her or for her to become my lover. It just happened and now I'm afraid, afraid because for the first time I want to let someone back in to my heart.
I just find that I can't I know she loves me she tells me she speaks soft whispers in my mind when the firelight is going out. She makes me feel so happy in side and now I find myself lost between the rocks and the tide she's immortal I'm mortal and she'll outlive me. I don't even know why she loves me I'm just a mortal and may be she'll get bored of me because of that. I'm afraid to let go afraid to let her in, afraid of everything that could be and what should be. I slowly step in side her temple closing the doors behind me, the temple is in its normal condition with its beautiful bright colours. I push my long hair back trying to find the words, gods I feel so unsure of myself right now.
"Hello sweet pea."
I turn realizing that she's standing behind me I really hadn't noticed I've been so caught up in my own thoughts. She looks at me those sea blue eyes shining out there gratitude at my presence. There is so much love in her gaze as well and I feel guilty, because I don't feel worthy of any off it in my mind. Her face changes as her eyes drift to meet mine and I know she's read my thoughts, somehow I forget that in her presence my thoughts are not hidden like they were when I was with Xena. Her face slowly forms a smile as she steps towards me running her hand gently through my hair allowing it to spill through her finger tips as she leans over to my ear. "I'd never get bored off you Gabby."
The kiss that follows is soft as silk and full of feeling and it causes feelings to burn again that I have no control over. I realize that I'm at her mercy and she has my feelings. The thing I feel most guilty about is that she knows my feelings in a way Xena never did. Maybe this is why I can't move on maybe this is why I'm so afraid of my own feelings. She pulls me in to her arms I can feel the tears coming and I can't stop them. Her gentle voice hits the air ringing out like an angels song. "I love you Gabrielle." I look down feeling unsure again. "I'm sorry I know I promised to come here yesterday, I was afraid." She pulls back giving me that soft smile as she speaks. "I understand I can hear your thoughts you know."
She moves her finger gently up wiping my tears away. She pauses as if trying to pose her next question carefully. "Why don't you stay with me?" I look up blinking. "Stay here?" She runs her hand down my face. "Yes stay here with me from now on." I look down feeling afraid again. She looks up her sea blue eyes looking deeply in to my own as she speaks. "I can't force you to let go, I know when your ready you will. Just let me In, I won't hurt you I promise you that." I look down again I admit I've stayed here but normally after the love making is over I've slipped away out of guilt more than once. She moves closer so our faces are almost touching. "Stay with me Gabrielle, don't run away again you know I worry about you when you're gone I want you here." Suddenly I feel so unsure but what ever unsure ness I had isn't thought over as her lips meet mine.
I know I'm going to make love to her again, and I'm powerless to stop it I care about her so deeply I want to love her, I want to say the words. I know I will soon enough. Gods I can feel the walls shattering they have been doing so much of that lately. I can feel her hands and I'm know I'm loosing control over what my body wants and what my mind craves. I feel the pillows as I fall back on them and all of a sudden she's on top of me and its all emotion all need and tender and selfless. I want to say the words and they slip out before I can stop them. "I love you." She stops looking shocked for just an instant then she smiled meeting my lips in a kiss that is selfless beyond description. I know that my mind is suddenly made up I want to stay, I have to stay, I want this so badly I've just been denying myself. I know that I need it I can't stand being alone anymore and I know she loves me and I should love her. Because we both know in our hearts that we need each other the way the sea needs its rocks to guide it to shore.
Dedicated to DMX.