AN- Nope. I'm not dead! I can't apologize enough for how long you've had to wait for an update, but life doesn't stop for fanfiction, so thanks for understanding. The amount of sweet reviews and PM's I've received have meant more to me than you'll know.
Love and huge sloppy cyber kisses,
Kurt looked up from where he was sorting through an enormous pile of his "Spring" outfits and eyed Luke warily. The two "out of place" and seemingly spontaneous words were left hanging in the air the moment they left Luke's mouth in a thoughtful voice.
"What I want to know is how in the hell can I have known you for as long as I've known you and still be shocked by the random and nonsensical, not to mention offensive, things that come from your mouth?"
Luke plopped down on the bed next to Kurt, picking up a sparkling red shirt that looked suspiciously like a woman's mini dress, although altered just enough by Kurt's talented hands to look as if it had come from an expensive male boutique.
"I don't get it either, my flammable little friend. Seriously, how can you not be used to me by now? Also, seriously, how do you pull off wearing women's clothing and still manage to attract women?! I remember when you wore this monstrosity along with those tight leggy watchamajigs to that one launch of some flippin' designer or whatever. You actually had women who wanted to take you home and get their brains fucked out by you! How the fucking hell did that happen?!"
Kurt smirked, snatching away the garment and cradling it in his arms lovingly.
"Do NOT call this a monstrosity, Lucas! My hard work on this masterpiece was the inspiration for Antonio to start his own line of gender neutral clothing! He now has a thriving business thanks to yours truly. And may I just point out that you are currently wearing one blue sock and one brown sock, so people in glass, monstrosity houses shouldn't throw stones. I won't even mention the fact that the brown one is so threadbare I could use it as a pasta strainer, except for I wouldn't because I know that, undoubtedly, it's been washed a grand total of five times in it's sad, stinky life."
The two friends glared at each other for about five seconds, both fighting smiles that kept their facial muscles twitching until they could hold it back no longer. They collapsed backwards on the bed, laughing as Luke punched Kurt in the arm and Kurt swatted back in amused irritation.
By the time they were both gasping for air and wiping at their eyes, Kurt sat up with a sigh, setting the garment in a large cardboard box labeled 'donations'.
"Confidence," Kurt stated with a superior glance over top of the rims of his rarely worn glasses. "Be confident in your clothing and in your own body. THEN people are much more likely to find you attractive. You've gotta own it, honey. THAT is why some poor misled females are drawn to me even though I'm so obvious I'm practically 'flammable', as you so lovingly put it moments ago. I've been blessed with a plethora of sexy confidence. And might I add that this particular skill set of mine is very much to thank for luring my incredible flexy over to the dark side… and if he were here right now he would be so fucking proud of me for using a 'Star Whatever' reference!"
"Yes, okay, " Luke cringed, covering his eyes with both hands and peering between two fingers with extreme displeasure. "Confidence. Own your clothes and shit. Just stop giving me that look over your glasses! You know it gives me the heebie jeebies! I feel like I'm back in the third grade with Miss Marston glaring at me over the top of her Coke bottle glasses!"
Kurt held back a snicker and immediately plopped down on the bed next to Luke, patting him mockingly on the back.
"I'm sorry, sweetie. I completely forgot about your childhood trauma. I won't do it again."
"Promise?" Luke narrowed his eyes suspiciously.
"Cross my heart, hope to die," Kurt responded in a strangled voice as he tried his best not to laugh, completing his pledge with a quick cross motion over his chest followed by holding his right hand up in the air. Luke threw his head back with a sarcastic laugh as he pointedly flipped Kurt off.
"Liar. The air is so thick with your insincerity I'm choking on it."
Kurt laughed out loud then and nudged Luke with his shoulder.
"Will a peace offering of Mrs. Moscowitz's delicious cookies do the trick?"
"Fuck, yeah!" Luke whooped, literally skipping to the kitchen after bouncing from the bed. With a derisive snort Kurt followed after, albeit much more gracefully, and they both scooted themselves up onto the kitchen counter top and dug into the platter of treats Daniella had brought over just that morning.
"So," Kurt asked after a moment, delicately picking at a chocolate chip that was baked precariously into the outside rim of his cookie, "are you gonna tell me now what you meant earlier when you randomly blurted out the words 'butt sex' with absolutely no context?"
"Okay," Luke mumbled around a mouthful with a sigh of resolution, "so things are really about to change. This is really happening."
"Yeah, I guess so."
"You guys are gonna be living together."
"That's the plan," Kurt quirked the corner of his mouth in amusement.
"You're not gonna be two separate people anymore."
Kurt wrinkled his brow and gave Luke a look that said he was slightly nuts.
"You understand that moving in together doesn't make us conjoined twins... don't you, sweetie?"
"What I mean," Luke rolled his eyes, "is that everything that happens to you guys will now happen to you BOTH. You get invited to something? You get invited together. You buy a new piece of furniture? You buy it together. You have people over for dinner. You have them over together."
"Yeah, I suppose that's true," Kurt nodded slowly, smirking as he eyed Luke with curiosity. "I'm thinking that's the whole idea, in fact."
"Plus! You're gonna be having sex, like, all the time!" Luke added with a resigned shake of his head.
"Luke, I hate to break it to you, but we have sex all the time right now."
"No. Nuh-uh. This'll be different." Luke shook his head stubbornly.
"And you know this because of your extensive experience with live-in boyfriends?" Kurt asked, barely holding together a straight face.
"Look, smarty-pants, I may not be gay but I am a guy! And here's what I figure, dude. I know that I personally want sex ALL the time! I can only imagine what it's like if your partner is a guy, too. You BOTH want sex all the time and there's nothing to stop you! Nobody's worried about getting knocked up. Nobody's ever on the rag. Nobody's gonna say that they 'just have a headache'. Nobody's gonna feel 'unsexy' cuz they forgot to shave their pits that morning... You guys will seriously have sex ALL. THE. TIME!"
"Damn," Kurt shook his head, a bit bewildered. "It's so easy to forget that there is an incredibly intelligent person residing under all those cavemen like tendencies. Aaaaand, I will concede that there are some major plusses to being a gay man when it comes to your sex life."
"Exactly! And now that you're living together it will be a nonstop sex fest while I fade into your distant memory."
"What?" Kurt exclaimed with a snort of disbelief. "And how did you come to that conclusion?"
"It's an undeniable fact, my delectable gay friend."
"So, it's a fact that now that we're living under the same roof I'm gonna become so wrapped up in Blaine's cock that I will consequently forget about you, huh? Do you have any proof to back up this 'not at all insane' theory?"
Luke closed his eyes and tapped his chin with his fingers for a few moments before his eyes suddenly popped open again and brightened. He jumped off the counter, dashed over to the closet in Kurt's living room and pulled out the white board, easel and markers that Kurt used when they all played Pictionary.
"What the hell are you doing?" Kurt asked slowly when Luke set up the white board and quickly began drawing.
"Proving my theory, poofy."
"This should be good," Kurt scoffed under his breath after watching his friend scribble across the board, then turning to Luke and crossing his legs expectantly.
"That's one demerit for disrespecting your teacher," Luke flicked the lid of his marker at Kurt's head with a grin.
"Well, that's a firing for physically abusing your student!" Kurt grinned back, dodging with bullet.
"ANYway," Luke purposely brought their attention back to the white board with a flourishing hand wave. "As you'll notice, I have illustrated you and your boy toy on separate sides of the board."
Kurt squinted and cocked his head to the side, peering curiously.
"Did you..." with a groan Kurt buried his face in his hands."Oh my god, you did NOT draw penises on everyone, Lucas!"
"Of course I did. I'm all about accuracy. Now, if you would direct your attention to the people standing next to both you and your 51% gay lover, you will notice that those people are your best friends."
"51...?" Kurt started questioning in confusion but quickly trailed off, shaking his head. "Never mind. I don't even want to know... and I'm pretty sure I can guess anyway. Please go on."
"Now," Luke continued as if Kurt had never spoken and began drawing multiples lines between the stick figures of Kurt and Blaine. "It's true that even though you technically live apart you manage to make an impressive amount of asshole love even now-"
"We just call it sex like everyone else," Kurt interjected with a whisper.
"I stand by what I said," Luke continued without losing a breath, "-but you still technically live in different places. Even if you just consider the traveling, there is still a decent amount of time spent NOT having sex, which you graciously give to me on occasion, second class citizen as I now am in your world... and I know for a fact that the same is true for Blaine and Jared."
"Luke," Kurt began with an apologetic little laugh, but his best friend cut him off.
"No, no," he sniffed, "I can handle the pain and rejection. Plus, let's just be honest, we both know what a weakness I have for motorboating and pussy, and that if I met a totally hot chick with enormous jugs I'd drop you like you were bikini pics of Anna Nicole Smith from the fat years in a hot second."
"Sounds about right," Kurt nodded.
"NOW," Luke continued, drawing Kurt's attention back to the board. "Once you move in together..." he paused once more, moving the stick figures around on the board messily, "...there will be nothing besides your jobs stopping you from from fucking and/or cock sucking."
"I think we have just a tad more self control than that, but for the sake of argument I'll concede... and am I wrong or did you attempt to draw Blaine on his knees with his mouth around my cock?"
"I did indeed, but enough with the inconsequentials, let's consider the other side of this board now for a moment."
"Holy shit, Lucas! There has GOT to be an actual point in here somewhere!" Kurt groaned loudly. "Why do you have to make such a production out of everything?!"
"I'm getting to it! You are so freaking impatient and bossy!" Luke replied, sticking out his tongue in the process. "Man, are you this bossy when you're bumpin' uglies with Blaine? I can hear you now... 'Honey, you need to thrust at a rhythm of EXACTLY every 2.6 seconds-"
"Whatever!" Kurt interrupted, throwing a cookie at Luke's face with a grin. "I'm only impatient with you because you love the sound of your own voice so much it takes you forever and a day to just fucking say something!"
"True," Luke smirked, picking the cookie up off the floor and eating it despite Kurt's look of distaste.
"Okay," Luke continued, spraying crumbs as he spoke. "My point is that here Jared and I will be, all by our lonesome, standing out in the cold."
"We hang out ALL the time, Luke! I promise that we still will!" Kurt reassured, suddenly feeling much less irritated. "I know I can't promise that things will always be exACTly the same, but I'm not going to abandon you!"
"That's not the whole thing, though," Luke sighed. "Okay, answer me one question. Nine times out of ten... what do guys both talk and brag about when they're together?"
"Sex." Kurt nodded without a second thought.
"Exactly," Luke gave him a knowing look.
"And who will I be having sex with, Kurt?"
"You mean in general for the rest of your life... assuming you don't find someone serious to be with?"
"Anyone with a vagina and breasts larger than an A cup."
"Sounds accurate. And who will Jared be having sex with?"
"Assuming the same parameters, I wanna say anyone with a penis... but then again he's a much less superficial than you. Sooo... some dude he likes."
"Exactly. Now finally, who will you and Blaine be having sex with?"
"We haven't had the threesome talk yet, so for right now I'm going to say only each other."
"So there you go," Luke sighed, looking resigned. "What in the world will we have to talk about? Jared will automatically still be included because he at least understands the attraction to twigs and berries, but me? I'll be sitting quietly in a corner, never having understood the intricacies of prepping and the need for bountiful lube, and daydreaming about titties."
"Luke!" Kurt chuckled. "First of all, I've never known you to sit quietly in your life. Secondly, our relationship is gonna be about more than sex! And on top of that sex is not the only thing men talk about! Besides, when have you ever NOT enjoyed embarrassing the crap out of Blaine by trying to guess if he's a top or a bottom?"
"True!" Luke smirked. "There's always friendship when there's teasing involved."
"Now that sounds like the Luke I know." Kurt grinned. "Listen honey, I promise that you are not going to be left out of anything. I don't know how exactly our odd little foursome friendship will progress, but it will. If we expect you to not discriminate against us because us we're gay then it'd be pretty shitty of us to do the opposite to you."
"Thanks, man," Luke smiled. "You're right. Still, though, I do kinda wish I could just be attracted to dudes," he sighed wistfully. "I can picture it now. I'd say to my boyfriend, 'Hey, butt buddy! I've got a chubby happening betwixt my legs.', then he'd say, 'Ya want me to give ya a happy while we watch Sports Center?', and I'd be like, 'Fuck, yeah!', and soon as I creamed in his hand I'd return the favor. Then for the icing on top of the fuckingly awesome gay cake we'd hit the sack by 11:45 without the aggravation of any damn snuggling."
"Oh, god," Kurt curled into a ball, laughing hysterically. "Have I ever told you how much I love you?"
"Not enough," Luke grinned. "Not nearly enough."
Blaine lifted his head over top of the packing box he was taping shut with a crinkled brow, then gave a confused sideways glance before looking back at Jared with one eyebrow raised sharply.
Jared rolled his eyes as he continued to sort through Blaine's clothing, tossing yet another worn out tee into a box labeled 'not even good enough to donate'. He was just opening his mouth to expand on his one worded question when Blaine sucked in a painful sounding gasp.
"Hey!" Blaine yelped. "That one is my favorite!"
"When's the last time you wore it?" Jared countered knowingly as he went on to carefully examine a pair of jeans.
"I'm pretty sure it was snowing..." Blaine bit at the inside of his mouth, trying desperately to remember.
"If you haven't worn it in the last six months it's going," Jared finalized with a firm nod. "Plus, Kurt is getting rid of clothes as well so that you can fit into one closet. Making sacrifices is all a part of living with someone, sweetie. You'd better get used to it starting now."
"You've already thrown out at least ten of my shirts, though, and that one was such a good Salvation Army find!" Blaine pouted pathetically, but sighed in resignation as he grabbed an empty packing box to fill with his DVD's and gaming systems.
"It was some high schooler's lacrosse t-shirt from 1992! And to top it off, your last name is not Zielinski, Blainey-dear!" Jared stared back at his friend incredulously. "In what universe is that a good find?"
"I liked it," Blaine stuck his lower lip out even further, giving Jared the best puppy dog eyes he was capable of. Jared stared back stonily for about ten seconds... then his mouth started to tighten and his jaw shook. Seconds later he was groaning in exasperation as he broke into a smile.
"Oh my god! Fine! You win! I'll let you keep this ONE crappy t-shirt, but it's on your head if Kurt is pissed that you bothered to pack this rag!"
"Oh, I can handle that," Blaine grinned, hopping over to the clothing box and pulling out his rescued t-shirt. "I know his weakness. Soon as he starts in on something I'm wearing I immediately drop to my knees and do some of my world renowned dick sucking. By the time he comes he's completely forgotten what he was gonna complain about and all is well with the world."
"Way to handle conflict," Jared snickered, shaking his head as he gathered up the pile of clothing he had deemed 'move worthy', and started folding them neatly before placing them in a suitcase.
"May I ask why you believe that your blow job skills would be considered world renowned, though? That's rather presumptuous considering you told me in no uncertain terms that Kurt's is the only cock you have ever had in your mouth, and that it will remain that way until the day you die."
Blaine pursed his lips, trying to keep a self-satisfied smile from spreading across his face and failing miserably.
"Let's just say that my boyfriend has made it quite clear that I'm far and away the most talented man he's ever been with in that particular department."
"No way!" Jared exclaimed, whipping around and placing his hands on his hips while striking what Blaine called his "intimidatingly audacious pose".
"Why's that so hard to believe?" Blaine questioned with amused irritation, crossing his arms and doing his best to look incredibly offended.
"Honey," Jared cocked his head a bit to the side, holding his stance steady, "I was at least ten blow jobs into the cock sucking world before I got to the place where my receiving partner wasn't frustrated by how many times I accidentally scraped him with my teeth, or the fact that I had to stop and spit every five seconds because I couldn't stand swallowing yet. PLEASE don't tell me that you're some kind of fellatio prodigy. I couldn't handle the unfairness of it all!"
Blaine couldn't hold back his grin this time.
"Fine. I just won't tell you then."
"What?!" Jared gasped, plunking himself down onto Blaine's bed, gazing around pitifully as if everything he knew to be true had been ripped away from him. "How is this fair?! What kind of world are we living in where a man who is one hundred percent gay has to live and learn, giving more than one horrible blowjob before finally getting the knack of it, and the generally straight guy, who's never even CONSIDERED blowing another man until recently, has apparently been endowed with the mouth from gay heaven?!"
Blaine sucked his lips in between his teeth, determined not to laugh while Jared was looking so adorably pathetic.
"Awww, Jar!" He laid down on his bed, pulling Jared up against his chest, running his fingers through his best friend's hair soothingly. "When it comes to sucking dick I bet you're the fucking bomb!"
"Apparently not as good as you," Jared mumbled stubbornly.
"Well, Kurt is the only one who will ever know how good I am," Blaine argued soothingly. "The rest of the world will never know! According to them, YOU will be the fellatio prodigy!"
"Thanks for the charity," Jared snorted, sighing contentedly and closing his eyes as Blaine continued to play with his hair.
"Plus," Blaine went on excitedly, bursting with a new thought, "I bet that those first few supposed 'horrible' blowjobs you gave were NOT that bad. Everyone's got a learning curve, Jar. You don't even want to know how bad I was at making sure girls orgasmed when I first started having sex!"
"Yeah, I've never gotten that," Jared spoke up in confusion. "Why do some women not always orgasm during sex? What's so hard about it?"
"From what I know," Blaine took a deep breath, "they have to be in this, like, specific mind-set, first of all. Then, normal fucking just doesn't always cut it for them. You have to rub against the clitoris just right, which isn't the easiest angle to figure out, let alone hold onto it for the sometimes thirty to forty minutes it takes. The other option is hitting the mysterious G-spot inside her with your cock. Personally I believe that the G-spot is some made up fairytale, giving men the unrealistic hope that they can blow their woman's mind, simply by fucking them. It's a farce I tell you! I searched and searched for that fucking spot and I never found it! Now, the prostate on the other hand? Easy peasy! Right there, easy to reach, easy to stimulate, size of a walnut so it's pretty obvious. That right there is a huge bonus to being in a relationship with a man! We both orgasm every single time and I don't have to go on a journey to figure it out!"
Jared shook with laughter then, snorting against Blaine's chest.
"One more quick question, and keep in mind that vaginas gross me out beyond belief because they make me think of an old person's wrinkled skin, but how did you figure out the orgasm with women thing? No explicit details, though, B. I may puke."
"Ya gotta go oral, dude," Blaine answered with a dreamy smile. "The right technique of licking and sucking and swirling... you can make that woman clamp her legs so hard around your face that you'll think you're in a vice grip, not to mention screams that'll give you chills for days!"
"That sounds god-awful!" Jared sat up, looking like he had just eaten something extremely distasteful and sucking at his tongue as though to get rid of the awful experience. Blaine watched him with a bemused shake of his head and sat up, too.
"And that, my dear friend, is the only proof we need that your are ultimately gay... like, 'hot pink with sparkles' gay... and I am ultimately straight, though the love of my life has miraculously turned me 'orange'."
"It still turns you on to think of putting your tongue on a vagina, though?" Jared asked in awkward disbelief.
"Umm, hell yes!" Blaine barked a laugh, palming the obvious erection tenting his gym shorts. "The only difference now is that I'm so attracted to and so massively in love with Kurt, that he is the only one I want to make scream and clamp his legs around my face. He's the only one I ever want to be with. No random sex with a chick would ever really satisfy me now, straight as I may be. It would just be empty cheating, and I am not that kind of man."
"It's cock and asshole for me now," he sighed contentedly, "and I wouldn't have it any other way!"
"You are so incredibly crude," Jared chuckled, "but that was also pretty romantic, in your own special way. I'll decide to take it as a sweet and loving sign that you're happy being a straight man in a gay man's world."
"I am indeed," Blaine winked, hopping off the bed with a little grunt of exhaustion before pacing slowly around the room. He gazed around evaluating one last time if there were any more of his belongings that he wanted to move straight to Kurt's and what would either be sold or put into storage. The truth was that he had no real sense of style, whereas Kurt had it in abundance. Very few pieces of furniture or artwork would be transferred from Blaine's to Kurt's, and, honestly, Blaine was perfectly fine with that.
The one exception was that he had requested a small corner somewhere to put his music equipment, so that he would have a chance to play once in a while. Kurt had immediately shown him a small room off of the living room. Blaine had been shocked at first. He had always assumed that it was another closet, and had never ventured to open the door. One corner of the room was set up with Kurt's sewing machine and some bolts of material along with a wicker basket full of random supplies. Other than that the room was surprisingly empty. Kurt had gone on to kiss him on the cheek and tell him that this room could officially be his music room, as long as he didn't mind Kurt borrowing it every once in a while when he had a sewing project. Blaine had happily gone on to show off his "world renowned" skills as a thank you.
"Hey, you!" Jared interrupted his thoughts by throwing a pair of bundled up socks at his head. "Where'd you go? You were in another world for a minute there."
"Just thinking about my new roommate and how lucky I am," Blaine shrugged with a smile, shooting the socks in the air like a basketball and fist pumping when they landed squarely in the open suitcase.
"I take it you didn't hear my question then," Jared smirked.
"Guess not," Blaine wrinkled his nose apologetically. "What was it?"
"I was going all the way back to the original question I had before we started the whole t-shirt fiasco which led us to discussing your inexplicable gay man's skill set."
"And as I recall," Blaine's face dawned with the memory, "your question was merely the word 'so'."
'Yes," Jared nodded firmly. "This is the first time we've been alone together long enough to have a real heart to heart about this new phase in your life. It's about time you shared some crucial details with me! I'm your best friend in the world. I committed blackmail for you. I deserve to know everything!"
"I knew that was you!" Blaine gasped in excitement, running over and squishing Jared tightly with a hug.
"Yeah, yeah," Jared blushed. "You would have done the same for me. Don't change the subject."
"Fine," Blaine smirked, sitting back on the bed and criss-crossing his legs. "What crucial details do you need to know? How I'm dealing with this emotionally? Whether I'm confused because I'm not quite sure who or what I am?"
"Well, no," Jared replied, looking thoughtful. "Since you brought it up, though, do you need to talk about that stuff? Are you doing okay?"
Blaine thought for a moment before nodding his head with a shrug.
"Nah, I'm cool. I'll let you know when I need to talk."
"Excellent," Jared smiled. "On to the good stuff. It's officially time for you to spill. Top or bottom?"
"Top or bottom of what?" Blaine asked with a look of wide-eyed innocence.
"Get off it!" Jared swatted at his knee. "You know exactly what I mean! I know you rambled on about it somewhat drunkenly that night in the cab, but I honestly remember only bits and pieces. We have yet to have a SOBER conversation about this! So, spill! Top or bottom, Blaine! Pitcher or catcher? Giver or receiver? Fucker or fuckee? Gimme the scoop!"
"What are YOU?" Blaine threw back defensively, pulling his knees up to his chest. "It's not like you've ever given me your specifics before!"
"Because you never asked," Jared snarked. "I'm both, thank you very much. If I'm being honest I'd have to say that I think I like topping more and would prefer it given the choice, but I enjoy being the bottom just fine. Your turn."
"Fine," Blaine buried his face in his knees with a blush. "I'm both, too. So is Kurt. I am both the fucker and the fuckee. There! You happy?!"
"Really?" Jared looked at him in surprise. "I'm gonna be honest, honey. You're SUCH a dude's dude and you'd only ever been with women before this. I gotta say that I figured you for an exclusive top."
"That's awfully narrow-minded and stereotypish of you," Blaine retorted in a teasing voice. "I'll have you know that the very first time we had sex I took it up the ass and loved every minute of it!"
"Shut up!" Jared squeaked, pushing at Blaine's shoulder.
"Scout's honor," Blaine grinned, though his cheeks had turned an even deeper shade of red after his confession.
"Well, I'm sorry I stereotyped you," Jared smirked. "You have to admit, though, you're a pretty rare specimen."
"You don't need to remind me," Blaine replied dejectedly. "I'm well aware of what an odd little ducky I am. I don't fit into either world. I'm too gay for the straights and I'm too straight for the gays. It's weird that I'm the happiest I've ever been, yet, in some ways I feel so alone."
Jared swallowed roughly, wishing he had some kind of answer or solution. He didn't, so he took both of Blaine's hands in his own.
"I know it doesn't mean much," he swallowed the lump in his throat, "but I'm here and I love you just like you are. You are neither too straight nor too gay. You're just right. You're Blaine, and that's all you need to be. I'm proud to be best friends with someone who's heteroflexible! You're unique, and unique people never fit exactly into other people's worlds. We'll just keep teaching people the truth, that human sexuality isn't this black and white thing, and those who continue to be asses about it… well, screw 'em!"
A smile slowly spread across Blaine's face as Jared made his little speech and he punched him lovingly in the arm with an embarrassed blush.
"You fit into Kurt's world. You fit into my world. You fit into Luke's world," Jared finished with a roll of his eyes and a smirk. Blaine laughed, too, smiling genuinely.
"Thanks, man. And of course it means something! It means a ton! You're right about everything, it's just that sometimes you want to not be different, you know? Sometimes you want to blend in with the crowd and not have people question why you're there and who you are? There's no solution to that. It is what it is. The truth, however, is that it's a small price to pay for getting to be Kurt's boyfriend... and now roommate. He's the most amazing person I've ever known, Jar… excluding you, of course," he finished with a wink.
"Thanks," Jared snorted. "I'm seriously happy for you though, honey. I'm sorry it has to come with a price, but, like you said, you're the happiest you've ever been, so it's worth it."
"Damn straight!" Blaine sighed happily, hopping off the bed and grabbing the suitcases Jared had packed, lugging them toward the door.
"Okay, just tell me one more thing," Jared pleaded while following after with the last box.
"What?" Blaine chuckled.
"You've gotta have a preference. Don't tell me that giving and receiving are at the exact same level of pleasure for you. Which one's your deep down fave? Be honest."
Blaine blushed again, but the corner of his mouth turned up with the beginning of a smirk.
"Well, you know how when you bottom the next day you can just kind of… feel it? I don't know about you but it's not pain or anything like that, it's just… there. It's like a reminder of how my boyfriend's cock was up my ass and the fucking amazing orgasm he gave me."
"Um, yes, I'm familiar," Jared answered, looking amused as they set their load with the small pile of boxes and suitcases by the front door, "though for me a couple of times it's been a reminder of how I was so desperate for sex I one-nighted it with a complete stranger... but wow! You're really telling me that you favor being the bottom?!"
Blaine smirked fully then, scooting up onto the counter in his kitchen and closing his eyes with a dreamy look on his face.
"Um, Blaine, you gonna answer me?"
"This IS my answer," Blaine grinned, wiggling happily on the counter.
"Oh my god," Jared laughed. "You really do."
"Yes, now give me silence for a moment. I'm enjoying a memory."
"One word! Six syllables!"
Luke jumped up and down in excitement, silently waving two thumbs up in Jared's direction.
Silence followed as Kurt, Jared and Blaine all looked around at each other in confusion as Luke confidently pointed at Blaine, and then stood there with his arms crossed with a self-satisfied smile on his face.
"Six freaking syllables, Luke?" Blaine asked in disbelief. "What six syllable word describes me?"
Luke looked at them all in disbelief and kept pointing at Blaine with determination.
"Oooo, Oooo, Oooo!" Kurt yelped excitedly. "Scrumdiddlyumptious!"
"I'm pretty sure that's only five, babe, but thanks," Blaine grinned, kissing Kurt on the cheek.
"You've got to give us more to go on than that, Luke." Jared rolled his eyes.
After thinking for a moment, Luke grinned brightly and as he quickly made the unmistakable outline of a shapely woman with his hands and then pointed once again at Blaine. He then turned around, wrapping his hands around his back and rubbed his hands all over himself to imitate two people making out. While the other three men cracked up, he quickly turned back around and this time pointed first at Kurt and then at Blaine. He turned his back to the group again and repeated the same motions. There was a moment of silence, before Jared lept out of his seat, shouting in excitement.
"I know it! I know it! Heteroflexible!"
"Yes!" Luke shouted, leaping across the room to give Jared a high five. All four burst out laughing as Luke and Jared collapsed back in their seats.
"That was a good one," Kurt yawned as he stretched sleepily, laying his head down on Blaine's lap.
"You tired, babe?" Blaine asked sympathetically, but with a grin in his voice. Kurt looked up with a pout as Blaine stroked fingers through his hair.
"I know you're just trying to placate me," he glared playfully, "but I'll take it. Keep running your fingers through my hair please."
"Of course, sweetcheeks. Whatever you want. You lead such a stressful life, looking gorgeous 24/7 and lying back while people dress you and take your picture," Blaine teased as he continued to play with Kurt's hair soothingly, only to be indignantly slapped away.
"Oh, Blainey dear," Jared shook his head with a deep groan. "You're in for it now!"
"Geez, half-way," Luke smirked. "Even I know not to go down that road."
"I was just teasing!" Blaine threw up his hands defensively. "Don't stone me!"
"You're walking a fine-line right now," Kurt glared up at Blaine, poking him in the chest. "I may just decide that I have a headache tonight," at which he raised an eyebrow pointedly at Luke.
"Not on our first night living together!" Blaine pouted. "There's gotta be an unspoken relationship rule about denying sex to your partner the first night you live under the same roof."
"Oh, don't worry, Blaine, I would never be that cruel," Kurt winked. "We are gonna need to kick out our guests pretty quick here though. I wasn't lying when I said how tired I am. Between packing and moving all week, and then lying there sleeplessly at night worrying about the evil bitch monster of evilness I'm pretty beat."
"She's not even working in my department, Kurt! I've barely seen her over the last month except for the occasional passing in the hallway, and even then I pull out my phone and pretend to be talking to you and telling you how cute your ass is," he finished with a wink.
"Oh, yeah?" Kurt smiled shyly. "Well, that's awfully sweet of you."
"And don't pretend that you have the upper ground here on being nervous about psychotic exes," Blaine scowled lightly. "I can still picture "assface" marching in here like he owned the place, and when he kissed you I thought I was gonna explode! I can still feel his nose breaking under my fist and it gives me great satisfaction," he finished with a nostalgic grin.
"Oh, poor baby," Kurt pouted sincerely as he climbed onto Blaine's lap. "Do I need to remind you that you're my one and only tonight?"
"Why yes you do," Blaine grinned, wiggling himself down into the couch and pulling Kurt into him snuggly.
"And THAT would be our cue to leave, Lucas," Jared covered his eyes with his hands as he pulled Luke to his feet.
"Lock the door," Kurt called without turning around, "And this doesn't mean I'm abandoning you!"
"Whatever," Luke grinned. "You ju-"
They all looked up in surprise when the sound of an old fashioned phone ringing sounded from the kitchen.
"What the hell is that strange archaic sound?" Jared asked, peering around the room. "I think I last heard it at my MeeMaw's house."
"It's my landline," Kurt laughed. "I kept it around for job opportunities I wasn't sure I was interested in so they wouldn't bug me on my cell. I haven't used it in forever though! I almost forgot about it! Just let it go to voicemail."
"Actually, it could be for me," Blaine interjected. "I'm sorry, I should have asked, but I had my own landline calls transferred over here until we could sort everything out."
"No big," Kurt shrugged, settling himself back down on Blaine's lap and kissing up his neck. "What's mine is yours."
"Well, since they're busy being lustful Imma go ahead and answer this," Luke shrugged toward Jared.
"Hello, you've reached Kurt and Blaine's den of homosexual fornication." Luke answered with a grin and a wink at his friends. "They are currently in the midst of proving that 'love is love', so should I take a message to pass on when they are no longer in the process of climaxing?
Kurt rolled his eyes with a deep sigh and Blaine whipped a pillow at his head with a grin. Their smiles quickly faded, however, the moment Luke swallowed with a deep gulp and his face turned pale.
"No, I don't think so ma'am."
"No, I... I... I don't..." he quickly covered the receiver and turned to the group with a shuddering gasp. "I think I just peed myself."
Kurt and Jared just stared at Luke in confusion, but Blaine groaned loudly, burying his face in his hands. With a resigned sigh he quickly strode across the room and took the phone from Luke's hand.
"Good boy," he patted Luke reassuringly on the shoulder. "You did good, buddy. Go clean yourself up now. I've got this covered."
With another steadying breath he held the phone to ear, ignoring the fact that his friends were staring with anticipation, and spoke in a deeply refined voice that none of them had ever heard before.
"Hello there, mother. It's been a while. You and father back from Europe I'm guessing? ... Yes, well, I see you haven't lost your knack for scaring complete strangers shitless ... No, I guess I'd expect nothing less with a shock like that ... Yes, I think a family brunch is probably in order... and mom? I'll be bringing a guest."