AU to 4x07, "Dynamic Duets" and of course, 4x08, "Thanksgiving."
Warnings for character death by suicide, language, sadness, murder. Slightly dark. this pretty much looks at most of the thing through Blaine's eyes, so you don't really see much of Sebastian's understanding or pain. it's to make you understand how Blaine sees Sebastian actually developing from beginning to end and what he realise, etc so it seems like Sebastian seems to jump from one mindset to another without any question but you have to understand that that's what it seems like to Blaine.
it seems like there is something wrong with this fanfic or that it conveys this sense of missingness i feel. there is something off with this fanfic. it feels flawed in some sort of sense - at least that's how i've written it out. there are a lot of repetitive bits in this fanfic, and high descriptions of routine - this is yet again to help you understand Blaine's point of view of the whole thing since it's mostly written in Blaine's perspective as stated previously. with that in mind, i hope none of this material is offending and it wasn't supposed to be. so i apologise if it is. :3
He never thought that putting flowers on graves was so morbid until now. It was days after the funeral that he came back just to put flowers again. He'd done it every day for the past six days. It was abnormally cold and the ice was frozen on his skin. He felt like all forms of elasticity did not exist when he was this cold, as if his skin was a static sheet and he won't be able to move for fear of becoming a Popsicle. He wondered how those little things didn't really matter when he had an agenda. Things like freezing to death, sleeping and eating. All of those things were senseless when he had an agenda.
His Father had always made fun of flowers. His most hated flower was lilies. How ironic would it be that Blaine was gripping tightly around a bouquet of lilies bursting from the lavender-y ribbon? How very ironic. They were not flowers of mourning to Blaine, but they held memory, a special memory. He leaned downwards to place the bouquet, slowly allowing his finger to trace the satin lavender ribbon. He looked down at the grave, his mind reading over the inscriptions over and over again. His mind could not process any of the words written on that hard marble, as if nothing in that truly mattered, as if everything was artificial and nothing was concrete and real. His mind simply could not process the simplest of things. The only thought he'd been trying to process for days now was: my Father is dead.
He looked down, waiting to cry, wishing that he could, but he could not shed a tear. He felt hollow, unreal, because he could not cry. He was too shocked to cry, too shocked to realise. His mind wasn't wrapping around the fact that the last time he'd have seen his Father, he'd had barely glanced at him. His Father that only reminded him of how useless he was, how futile everything he'd done was, how he was nothing at all. His Father had only managed to remind him of how stupid he was, of how unsuccessful he was, but he did not deny him the right to live. He denied him healthcare for when he was sick, or when he'd shattered one of his bones. Right now, that didn't seem to matter, the thoughts of what his Father didn't do didn't seem to mind Blaine anymore, just the thoughts of what he had done. The man had still paid for his education – his Dalton education – albeit it was because Dalton was the only school that had dorms. Blaine was actually banned from going back home for the longest of time. His Father seemed to threaten him but all in all, there were only very few times that his Father did lay a hand on him, one of those times was when he'd had gone home for Christmas and he was slapped. His Father apologised, but Blaine would never forget that he wasn't welcome back home.
He'd rather go home to be beat than not go home at all. He had memories like other children, he'd recall. He'd had parents that cared, but at some point, they had ceased to care. His Father liked to tell him that he was horrible, that he was disgusting, that he was rotten and then Blaine was stupid enough to come out and the merciless taunting was just like him reliving that hell hole at Sadie Hawkins. Blaine had never ever cared about what happened at Sadie Hawkins. In his mind, Sadie Hawkins was just a reference, a euphemism he used for the recurrent emotional abuse and child neglect he suffered at the hands of his parents. His parents that refused to let Blaine see a Doctor for any sort of ailment that he might come across. The thought meant nothing to Blaine. To Blaine, it wasn't like he had been dying.
Now, his Father was six feet under and the only thing that mattered was not the incessant sadness that his parents made him feel, or the neglect, or feeling like he had never really mattered to anything, it was those small memories of his Father buying him brownies that one time in Christmas Eve. It was the small memories of curling up to his Mother, having her run her fingers through his hair. It was those rare times that his Mother would hug him, his Father would tell him that he loved him and those seconds were the skies seemed a little more blue that Blaine would remember the best. Everything else just didn't matter.
Blaine stared back at the grave for what felt like the longest time, the headstone, the words…it had been nearing night. By the time they would go back home, it would be dark. Blaine had glanced at his lover, Sebastian Smythe, whom had been standing there with him. Blaine was now living with Sebastian – in Sebastian's nearly always empty house, just them. It was a vast house, and even with Sebastian being there all the time, all Blaine had felt was a perpetual sense of loneliness that never truly left. It was only after his Father's death that Blaine's case even was mentioned to court, and a mass of social workers had landed Blaine into a foster care system. Jean was quick to adopt Blaine – mostly because Sebastian had asked for Blaine and his Father would do anything for Sebastian. All Sebastian ever wanted in his life was Blaine right now, but Blaine, Blaine, Blaine, paying attention to the Father had never paid attention to him.
"You done, babe?" Sebastian called out from where he stood, his face completely stoic.
Blaine's hands were shaking after he'd placed the lilies. He was unaware of it, but Sebastian was. Blaine's eyes were still glued to the grave, searching for something aimlessly. He did not know what he was searching for but whatever it was, he hoped that he would find it. Joseph Blake Anderson – his death was marked off as a ruthless murder by a hand of one of his co-workers, but they both knew what had happened. Blaine knew what he'd done. Blaine's stomach twisted uncomfortably, and he'd felt Sebastian's hands gracefully wrapping around his hips.
"You know what?" Sebastian's voice seemed to echo in Blaine's hollow mind.
"What?" Blaine's voice was very quiet, nearly a whisper, as if what he was looking for was a voice, an opinion of some sort.
"You gotta remember I love you," Sebastian murmured and Blaine knew what that meant. Did your Father ever love you, Blaine? Blaine slowly looked up to look into the vast green that was Sebastian's eyes as Sebastian added on. "Fuck it, Bee. I love you." He repeated it more sincerely this time.
The first time Sebastian Smythe had ever said I love you was when they were both standing near Blaine's Father's grave. It was something that Sebastian would never forget and something that Blaine wished he would.
"I know," Blaine vacantly responded. His voice was empty. He was empty. "Why did he have to die?"
Blaine knew that if he got Sebastian talking about why, he'd never stop, especially after believing that what his Father had been doing to him had been exceptionally unacceptable. Sebastian would list reasons, reasons that Blaine didn't want to hear – things that Sebastian knew that regardless of what Blaine wanted to hear, he needed to hear it. Sebastian's lips twitched, as he debated on what to talk about, so he decided that nothing at all was the best approach to this shattered state of Blaine. Sebastian had placed a finger on Blaine's lips. "Babe, let's not talk about stuff like this," was Sebastian's quick response.
Blaine slowly nodded his head. He'd shut his eyes as Sebastian leaned down to kiss him again. "Why?" he repeated asking, as if he hadn't heard Sebastian the first time.
Sebastian finally exploded. "He was a fucking abusive bastard, Bee. You don't get it. People like him deserve to fucking die. I don't care if people like him rot in their graves. Child neglect and emotional abuse is still fucking child abuse and he wasn't taking care of you right, either. Not taking you to the hospital and shit. You were so fucking sick when I found you, Bee. You could've died. I'd rather your fucking Father than you. I'm glad he's finally dead and…"
Blaine looked away from Sebastian, staring at the grave again, and maintained eye level with it almost as if his Father was going to be resurrected. Blaine's face was completely expressionless and emotionless. Then, after a while, he just finally said,
"Okay. Can't help but mention his faults, huh?" Blaine tried to laugh. He always did this stupid thing. Whenever he was upset, he just made this horrible, not-so-funny joke.
Sebastian smiled weakly but the joke wasn't anywhere near funny. "Let's get out of here, Bee."
Sebastian Smythe had his arms wrapped around Blaine Anderson's hips, bringing him closer just to see if Blaine would respond to him. Sebastian laid on his bed, and Blaine lay on top, head pressed against Sebastian's chest. It was cold, mostly because Sebastian liked keeping his AC abnormally low – much to Blaine's incessant reminder that he did not enjoy freezing to death when he was sleeping. There were three or four multitudes of blankets sprawled against them. The thick layers making them realise how warm they were in contrast to the cold air around them. Sebastian had been staring at Blaine for the longest of time, seeing the boy's features in the faint glimmer of the light from the very dull lamp they had. Sebastian had been running his hand against Blaine's hipbone for nearing an hour. He'd had memorised how it felt like before – and it just felt wrong. It was like Sebastian can feel every quarter of a pound Blaine had lost.
"You gotta sleep, Bee." Sebastian reminded him. "Gotta."
Blaine seemed to shift slightly in Sebastian's arms. A peak of his sweater allowed contact between Blaine's stomach and Sebastian's arm. Blaine's eyes can be described by two words at this current moment; wide open, and Blaine was wide awake despite it being one-forty-one on that alarm clock on a school night. "I would be asleep if someone didn't try to freeze all of my limbs off."
Sebastian knew that wasn't the excuse for why Blaine was still awake. He was still thinking about that bastard. Sebastian would be lying if he hadn't said that he'd felt abnormally guilty for everything that had happened to his Blaine. Sebastian had no choice but to shut the air conditioner anyway. In about sixteen minutes, the room was abnormally hot but Blaine remained awake.
"Blaine," Sebastian growled almost as if threatening him if he didn't fall asleep sometime soon.
"I still feel cold. It takes time for people to feel warm again," Blaine retorted again, his head pressed against Sebastian as tightly. Blaine's arms were wrapped around Sebastian's waist and when by incident, Sebastian's skin met with Blaine, he felt an electrical fire run down his spine from how horrifically cold Blaine actually was. Sebastian laid in silence for a while, staring at Blaine's face for the longest of time.
"You know why you're so cold, Blaine?" Sebastian began, his eyes still on Blaine's face. "It's because you don't fucking eat. You barely have any fucking fat on your body as it is."
Blaine snorted, and shook his head. His eyes flickered into a darker colour that was almost dark brown. "I'm sure I have enough insulation, Sebastian. A lot more than you do," his lips twitched into a soft smile that was so Blaine it made Sebastian's heart beat five times faster.
"Yeah, look at all of that insulation," Sebastian sarcastically said, running his hands down Blaine's sides and feeling nothing but flimsy, thin skin.
"I've always been thin," he explained in defence. One-fifty-nine pounds at his most, never quite leaving at one-fifties, and far too thin for Sebastian's own liking right now.
"Thinness is not a proper synonym to emaciation," Sebastian's hands were roaming around Blaine's stomach just to feel it again.
"Sebastian, that is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard in my life. I am nowhere near emaciation because I've lost a few pounds," Blaine said, looking a little annoyed and frustrated with Sebastian's comments on his body.
Sebastian was silent for a while. "Sleep." Sebastian commended, as his eyes hardened. "You gotta sleep, Bee. Gotta."
Blaine sighed in frustration. "You need a therapist."
"Excuse me? I need the therapist?" Sebastian raised an eyebrow with a slightly playful tone to his voice. "Babe, I'm as flawless as a diamond. If anything, a therapist needs a little Smythe love to actually stay sane."
"You need to be a little crazy to want to work with crazy people all day," Blaine said, playing with Sebastian's button. Sebastian gave him that look that Blaine shook his head. "No, no, no sex because I've gotta sleep, Bas. Gotta."
"Don't make fun of me, you little midget."
"Don't call me a little midget – I am mourning a death here and you're being mean to me," Blaine called out in the least 'I am mourning my abusive Father's voice' but Sebastian knew that those eyes told him a different story. Sebastian just brought Blaine closer to him, making him curl into him by his shoulder. Blaine had fallen asleep with Sebastian's hand in that messy mop of curls. Sebastian watched Blaine's face relax, and soften, and then in that moment, they were unguarded.
That morning was supposed to be uneventful. Sebastian had stepped out of the bedside only to have a small bowl of cereal before sleeping again as he realised that skipping dinner was not always an okay thing to do, only to find himself staring at Blaine whom was sluggishly standing beside a table. All Sebastian can see was an exhausted Blaine slouching over the counter. Blaine was so unfocused that it caused Sebastian to raise his eyebrow.
"Someone had an amazing night's sleep," Sebastian said, wondering how long had Blaine been up.
"Well, someone snores," Blaine pointed out. He had grabbed the boiling kettle by the handle, pouring in water in his caffeinated concoction. Blaine Anderson would rather have an arm cut off than have anyone tell him not to survive solely on caffeine. The murky coffee and its smell helped Blaine severely focus on everything right now. Blaine stared at his coffee mug as if it was the only reason he was still pumping and breathing.
"I see you're dressed."
Blaine looked down at his clothing as if he realised he actually did put some clothes – a cardigan, a blouse, a bowtie, and a pair of far too formal for school trousers. Blaine raised an eyebrow. And Sebastian then added on. "Why?" his eyes hardened. "You better not be thinking of stepping a fucking foot out of this house."
"Some of us have to learn, Sebastian," Blaine pointed out, but Sebastian wouldn't have it. He grabbed Blaine by his shoulder and then stared at him with a far too angry shake of the head.
"No, Blaine, you don't fucking leave this house, okay?" Sebastian threatened. He knew that Blaine was having a hard time. He knew Blaine would skip breakfast again. He knew that Blaine was boxing more often and it was overworking his muscles to point where he was losing muscle instead of gaining it. He knew all of this, and he refused to let Blaine go to school when he obviously wasn't handling anything well. Blaine shook his head at Sebastian's notion, bringing the cup of coffee to his lips to take a sip. Apparently, Blaine's eyes were adamant too. He was going to leave. Sometimes, Sebastian hated how goddamned stubborn Blaine can actually be when he put his mind to something.
"They don't fucking care about you," Sebastian spat out as venomously as he could. "They're just a bunch of bitches that don't care what you're going through. Even when you broke up with Hummel, all they cared about was their pathetic musical that wasn't even good. You gotta go back to the Warblers, babe."
"No," Blaine's eyes were as stubborn as possible and his lips were pressed tightly as he glared at Sebastian as hard as possible. "You don't even like Kurt."
"Does that mean that I like to see my boyfriend in pain?" Blaine looked down as his cheeks flushed. Blaine didn't know how Sebastian and him happened – they just sort of happened about a few months after the break-up. They just did. Sebastian was there and Kurt wasn't. Sebastian was there when Kurt didn't answer his text messages, just ready to accept him even though Blaine couldn't bear to accept himself because of what he'd done to hurt his boyfriend – ex-boyfriend, he had to vigorously remind himself every day. Even the name now still stung. He still hadn't completely gotten over Kurt, but something just happened between him and Sebastian. Everything was a blur of mass flirting and coffee dates until they both realised that they trusted each other enough to actually be in a relationship. Blaine had wiped away every single bad thing about Sebastian in the span of months after the break-up, only because Sebastian had made him feel loved in ways that other people didn't. In the back of his mind, even with Sebastian's reputation – Blaine trusted him completely. Another part of him just wanted Sebastian to cheat on him, so he'd be hurt the way Kurt did, then maybe it would be okay. There was so much fuck-up in Blaine's head at that time. He was so depressed. Now, his Father had died a few days ago and all Blaine can do was hurt ever since the call happened. Call – his Mother had the fucking decency to just call him about his Father's death. Had to be a murder, a murder in cold blood. He must have pissed off some people. All Blaine wanted to do was understand how it happened.
"You know, I'd do anything to make sure that nobody in this fucking world hurts you. I do fucking everything for you, Bee. I'd even fucking kill the bastard that ever tried to hurt you," and that made Blaine feel uneasy. "Those fucking New Direction bitches don't give a crap about what happens to you. Dalton is your home for one and even if you were going to Dalton, I swear to God that Nick would've slapped you before letting you go to classes in this condition."
Blaine chuckled, mostly because he knew it was true too.
"Come on, I'll make you breakfast before you disappear on me." Sebastian rolled his eyes darkly as he said this.
Blaine stared at him with a mouth wide open. "Sebastian, I weighed myself today." He finally began, his eyes darkening. "You make it sound like I was dead. I've barely lost five pounds."
Sebastian said nothing to this as he shot him a glance. "Well, those five pounds look like twenty to me."
"Sebastian, you are being completely irrational—"
Sebastian pulled Blaine's chin up, and whatever was in his hand – Blaine can see was a knife – clattered onto the ground, making a sound as Blaine stared into Sebastian's adamant green eyes. Blaine's heart was racing. He honestly feared Sebastian was going to do something but all Sebastian did was shrink back and lean downwards to pick up the knife. The stare that Sebastian given him was one of the most intense moments of Blaine's life and in that moment, all Blaine saw was how capable Sebastian was of doing things, things that most people wouldn't have the heart to do.
"Are you going to eat?"
A slightly still stunned Blaine finally nodded his head. "Yeah," he swallowed. "Love your eggs." He added on to lighten the tension that Blaine felt built up.
Sebastian smirked. "They're my eggs so of course, they're sexy."
Even as Blaine ate Sebastian's fried eggs, all he can think about was that look that Sebastian had given him and that look was purely and utterly strange; it was so intense that Blaine's only purpose for those few moments was trying to decipher it. He was just about to leave for school but Sebastian's piercing gaze made him give up and finally go back to bed. He thought of staying awake and sneaking out, and crafted everything perfectly but ended up falling asleep before his head even touched the pillowcase. He had woken up late afternoon only for Sebastian to make him eat again. He'd never seen Sebastian so engaged before.
All he does is order takeaway, he heard Sebastian's Mother once say, we're rarely home but when we are, we notice it's all he does. He eats crap and every two or three days, a maid comes over and tidies everything up – good as new. Even before Blaine's Father's death, about Sebastian stumbling on the abuse, he had made his Father threaten Joseph Anderson for everything he had until he coughed up Blaine. Blaine will be taken care for, provided, loved – Blaine had been sick with a fatal infection that nobody cared about in his family. Sebastian had noticed the jaundice on Blaine's skin and in his eyes and he'd noticed how sick he looked like as well. In a fit of concern and fury, Sebastian acted and now, Blaine lived with him and all he'd seen was Sebastian cook for him, clean for him, let him sleep in his bed, let him do whatever the fuck he wanted – if Blaine wanted it, Blaine had it.
Sebastian spoiled him. Sebastian would skip days of school just to make sure Blaine was okay, and he literally lived only for him, which made Blaine feel an abnormal amount of guilt for Sebastian's excessive pampering of him. It also frustrated him because Sebastian over exaggerated everything – Blaine had lost only five pounds; the scale confirmed that but Sebastian had been acting solely as if Blaine was emaciated, as if Blaine was this butterfly he just got and he worked so hard to get it that he can't let it die or break. Sebastian was obsessed, infatuated, and wanted to give everything to Blaine.
Blaine had never had someone love him that much and it was suffocating him at how much Sebastian loved him. On the other hand, it made him feel guilty, because all Sebastian did was for him. He didn't quite understand why. Even if Blaine didn't hate himself, he didn't understand how someone could be so completely and utterly devoted to him. He was so afraid of hurting Sebastian as well – of cheating on him too. Most people would suspect it to be the opposite but with the complete infatuation and dedication Sebastian was showing right now, Blaine would never believe that Sebastian would cheat on him. Even if he did, Blaine would honestly forgive him after all he'd done to try and keep Blaine as sheltered and safe as possible, reminding him of how flawless and perfect he was nearly all the time. It shocked him how badly Sebastian actually wanted him. It really did. Sebastian did hide behind his strong personality and malicious quips, but he usually sweet-talked Blaine even now.
It was after that Blaine was fed yet again by Sebastian that Blaine decided to go into his (actually it was Sebastian's) room. He had made the bed even though Sebastian would remind him that he could've done it himself, and he had gone off towards the bathroom to shower. Afterwards, he decided to actually put some effort into his hair today (he hadn't gelled it in days) and this led to a horrendously large search for hair-gel until he found himself standing in front of Sebastian's dresser, finding a black book that looked suspiciously old. It was then had Blaine realised he found Sebastian's diary. He had read and read until he had read the last word. By then, he had dropped the notebook, was glad the door was locked as he clamped his hand over his mouth to stop him from screaming.
Blaine had stepped on his scale that morning to realise he was still stable at his weight from yesterday. He had smiled brightly to himself. "Sebastian," he tried to get Sebastian to look at him whom was standing in front of a mirror, holding a duster and dusting the boxes that were aligned on the dresser that were made of wood. His other hand had a piece of cloth he used to wipe mirrors and other surfaces. "Sebastian," he said again, sounding more excited this time.
Sebastian quickly turned his attention to Blaine. It shocked Blaine just how into cleaning and cooking Sebastian can get to the point where calling his name out a few times didn't take Sebastian out of his attention from the menial task. He was thinking again and thinking was never good around Sebastian anymore. Blaine was grinning as brightly as he could. His eyes lit up with the fact that he can finally prove to Sebastian that he wasn't as thin as once thought before. "Come here."
Sebastian had moved towards him, standing beside the scale, but he didn't look down. All Blaine wanted to do was for Sebastian to look down and see the number but he didn't. "Sebastian, look at—"
"No," Sebastian's voice was soft but it was seriously adamant. He didn't want to see and that was when Blaine realised how fixated Sebastian was at the idea that Blaine was in a horrific condition. He over exaggerated Blaine's sleeping habits, Blaine's eating habits, Blaine's depression, Blaine's weight – it was almost as if all Sebastian can see was nothing more than a shadow in place of Blaine.
"I'm fine," Blaine tried one last attempt but Sebastian had pulled his chin up to look at him more closely. It was that intensity again in Sebastian's eyes that made Blaine's skin crawl.
"You are not fucking fine. You cheated on your ex-boyfriend and you don't even fucking know why and it's been months and now you're with me? You are anything but fine, honey."
"You think that just because I love you that I'm not fine?" Blaine quickly quipped, his voice high as Sebastian's eyes burned even greener in the light. Shock seeped into those eyes and Blaine didn't even know why. He'd been calm and complied with everything with Sebastian because Sebastian had done so much for him. "Sebastian, I do love you. I've fallen for you, but you are explicitly irrational if you think that I'm still that boy that you offered to buy coffee for because he needed the littlest good thing in his life. Sebastian, I may not be perfectly okay, especially since my Dad just died… but I don't need you to treat me like I'm going to shatter any minute now."
"Don't lie to me, Blaine," Sebastian's voice was full of so much fury that Blaine was actually shocked. "Don't fucking lie to me."
Blaine's lower lip quivered. He nearly believed Sebastian when he heard that statement. His eyes were still intense as Sebastian placed a hand on Blaine's shoulder, rubbing it as softly as possible. He leaned down to kiss Blaine's cheek. Blaine was confused at this gesture especially since Sebastian was so angry only moments ago. Blaine had realised from then on that when Sebastian had an idea in his head, he will believe it no matter what statement or fact disproved it, and right now, Sebastian believed that Blaine was depressed. "Okay," he finally gave up.
Sebastian smirked and leaned down to kiss Blaine. In his confusion, Blaine didn't respond until a bit later, wrapping his arms around Sebastian's neck, as Sebastian pulled him closer. Sebastian continued to kiss him for a few more moments before he abandoned him to clean the rest of the room. Sebastian was obsessed with everything looking perfect right now. Blaine then smiled at him in the softest way. "I'm gonna go to school right now, Sebastian. The New Directions are plaguing up my inbox on Facebook, Twitter and tumblr and they've even started text messaging me. Also, a lot of teachers sent me emails asking me what's wrong. I sent a death certificate and you crafted up this strange reply about ulcers. I don't have an ulcer, Sebastian."
Sebastian laughed, shaking his head. "You aren't leaving this house, Blaine. You are sick, and depressed. Go back to bed." There was a near growl in Sebastian's voice at the end of the statement but then Sebastian's eyes suddenly lit up with some sort of epiphany and he was silent for a whole eight minutes without saying anything. Blaine had never been so aware of Sebastian breathing as a huge but insane smile broke out on Sebastian's face.
"Actually, go. Go to your fucking stupid middle-class school," Sebastian sounded way too excited and now, Blaine was actually afraid – he didn't know if it was for himself, Sebastian's sudden response and the onset of insane delight crossing in those eyes. "Yes, yes, yes, Blaine, get out of the fucking house. It's like you're an inpatient in this house. You're starting to look like Hummel from a lack of sunlight."
Blaine smiled weakly, because more than anything, he did want to leave. Blaine had actually been so happy he had worn two different coloured socks, and didn't care, slipped into his shiny loafers and wore one of his favourite ensembles ever. He honestly looked as happy as a man whom had miraculously covered from an illness. He saw all of the fake hospital notes Sebastian had gotten for him on the table, and shoved them all inside of his shoulder bag. For the first time in months, he opened his phone to see all of those missed calls from the New Directions. His stomach dropped.
He had gone downstairs, seeing Sebastian had prepared him a huge breakfast of an omelette with feta, tomato and spinach leaves. He was shocked at how well-prepared it actually looked. It was like Sebastian was trying to impress a chef as even the presentation was amazing. He had sat down as Sebastian shoved his coffee towards him which smelled astoundingly good and had so much whip and Blaine's favourite thing on coffee – a dash of cinnamon and a bit of white chocolate powder. It smelled so heavenly. "Sebastian Smythe, definition of flawless chef," Blaine finally chose to comment.
"You look happy," Sebastian murmured, his voice a little dark.
Blaine looked up to stare at Sebastian's eyes and then finally realised. It was a spur of a moment realisation and he didn't know how to come up with it. "Sebastian, you can't protect me from everyone that's going to hurt me." That was the only reason Sebastian seemed to adamantly want him to leave Dalton. Sebastian had thrown the fork in his hand down towards the table.
"Yes, I can," he said this with a strict, loud voice as if he'd honestly believed it. His eyes then turned into a softer shade of green when that fear spun into Blaine again, as Sebastian moved towards him, cupping Blaine's face. "Do I scare you, Bee?"
"I'm fucking hurting you, aren't I?" Blaine knew that it would be futile to deny Sebastian, especially when it was partly true. Sebastian's overprotectiveness was hurting Blaine, making him feel senselessly guilty but Sebastian wouldn't have any of it if Blaine had told him as he would just senselessly blame himself as if he was at fault for everything wrong in Blaine's life. "I can't believe this! I'm such a damned fuck-up." He groaned in anger, and Blaine had seen Sebastian's eyes darken so badly at the amount of self-loathing that was in his voice. It was so alarming and shocking for Blaine to hear that.
Sebastian had buried his head in his hands, panting heavily as he slammed his fist towards the table after some time. "Well? Aren't you going to eat or did I screw that up too? Actually, don't eat. You might fucking die from food poisoning and if you lose another pound, Blaine, I will tear off my arm for—"
Before Sebastian can finish statement, Blaine was quick to shove a mouthful of egg down his throat. It was hot, and warm. It tasted extravagant, truly astounding but he was afraid to say that just in case Sebastian broke down again and started to explain about how he fucked everything up and how Blaine was lying to make Sebastian feel better about the whole ordeal. As far as Blaine knew, that was how Sebastian thought. It was like every conscious thought in Sebastian's mind was a delusion. When Sebastian was stuck on something, he was stuck on something, like he was stuck on chasing for Blaine – now, he was stuck on protecting him at all costs.
Blaine knew it was futile but he still wanted to say it out loud. "It's perfect," he said, motioning to the eggs.
"You're flawless," Sebastian breathed out, leaning towards him and placing a hand on Blaine's cheek and gave him a very soft and affectionate kiss.
Blaine smiled. Sebastian leaned back up to let Blaine eat. He wasn't late for school either but the minute he entered there, Blaine was pretty much bombarded with the New Directions and their questions. Blaine's overt happiness made them unable to stay mad at him for too long even though each of them (but Sam, Marley and Sugar) had a go at him for not being there. Even with being told that he wasn't taking anything seriously, Blaine was on cloud nine for most of the day. He honestly treasured it so badly because he'd been so pampered he thought he'd explode if Sebastian kept on smothering him with love. Actually, he was grinning when he was hit by that slushie – apparently for his mismatched socks being 'gay code' or something. By the time that the school day ended, he texted Sebastian that he had Glee and by the time that Glee ended (which made Blaine even happier to be able to sing again – Will and Finn weren't so pissed because they believed all of his medical excuses), he found Sebastian waiting for him. His Caddy was parked and Blaine hesitated before walking inside.
Sebastian looked so heart-broken that it tore a whole at Blaine's heart. It was then that Blaine had honestly looked at Sebastian – and he realised in that moment, how distorted everything was between them, because Sebastian believed that Blaine was depressed, that Blaine was losing so much weight at once, that Blaine was losing sleep and his daily habits were questionable, but Blaine actually stared at Sebastian for some time now. He looked like death. He had lost a huge amount of weight. Blaine had been a way of Sebastian denying his problems because he projected the anxiety and fear to Blaine. It honestly shocked Blaine how sick Sebastian looked right now.
"Sebastian…" Blaine's voice was soft. "You look so bad right now."
Sebastian laughed and the laugh was insane. "I'm fucking sorry, Bee. Not everyone can be completely perfect, right?" his eyes were hard when he said those things. There was it again, that self-loathing that Blaine didn't know how to handle. He'd never seen Sebastian so sad and lonely. He'd never thought he'd ever have to.
"I'm not perfect, Sebastian."
Sebastian laughed again. "You're so fucking cute." He said, almost as if Blaine had told him a joke. That was the first time Blaine actually noticed Sebastian always made Blaine food but Blaine hadn't seen him eat anything proper and substantial in months now. It was actually worrying Blaine how he was noticing little things – like the fact that Sebastian was practically a robot that did everything for Blaine. He didn't sleep because he wanted to make sure Blaine was. He didn't eat because he wanted to make sure Blaine did. He bet that most of his days were spent frantically worrying. This time, Blaine had dropped the fork, refusing to eat until Sebastian did. Sebastian made himself a sandwich, and got a Pepsi.
"Sebastian, that's barely any food," Blaine commented, his eyes hard.
Sebastian glared back at his lover. "If I eat more than this, I'll probably upchuck." Because his body wasn't used to more than that at this current moment and that made Blaine stop talking for the moment as he noticed that Sebastian wasn't even looking or enjoying the food – his eyes were set on Blaine, making sure that Blaine actually ate those bites of food that was astoundingly good.
Blaine had never felt so guilty before in his life. Sebastian's obsession of him was just getting out of hand. Blaine had dropped the fork then and Sebastian had almost immediately stopped eating. Blaine pursed his lips. "Sebastian, I read your diary."
Sebastian stared at Blaine for the longest of time.
Blaine's lower lip was trembling. He had been avoiding the truth was so long. He'd learned how to especially because he was dating Kurt and Kurt was a master of denial. Now, he was denying this. All of that bad emotion burned through him as he looked down. "Why?" Blaine's voice was shaky. Blaine didn't want to sound so torn, knowing that in Sebastian's mind it was just another reason why he fucked everything up. "Why?" he repeated, his voice higher than normal.
"Because I have to fucking protect you from everyone that's hurting you. And he was hurting you." Sebastian coolly explained. He had no remorse for his actions, but his eyes were simply responding to Blaine's pain.
Blaine tried to steady himself, laughing an empty laughed. "So you killed my Father? What a lovely thing to do."
"He was fucking hurting you! Don't you get it?! You were going to die, Blaine! Die on the hands of that bastard- I had to fucking to do something. He can't get away with shit like that!" Sebastian bellowed out in anger, shocking Blaine as he looked away from Sebastian's eyes. Sebastian just took a deep breath and shook his head. "Dammit, Blaine. I love you. I love you and want to protect you. Why the fuck is it so bad that I made some abusive fucker die?"
Blaine finally stared at him with the iciest expression he could muster. "Because I loved him," his voice was low. "You're right. I would've died because he doesn't care about taking care of me…Sebastian, I'd rather have died instead of him."
"You better take that back," Sebastian's eyes hardened, crystallising into ice. "I'm not fucking around, Blaine! Take that back!"
Blaine just tried to maintain steady eye contact with Sebastian as he repeated. "I'd rather have died instead of him, Sebastian."
This led to Sebastian standing up as he left the room. Blaine felt a huge emptiness in his body. That morning, he had gotten up for school and saw no signs of Sebastian. He had actually found him asleep, which was a first. Blaine didn't know if that was good or bad. He had gone off to make his own food, and thought of how Sebastian was handling things. He thought of calling Kurt about everything but he didn't know where to start and it hurt him to have to tell Kurt that he was with Sebastian right now, especially if he was going to mention that Sebastian had murdered his Father. That day, he didn't have Glee after but Mr Schue wanted to talk to him and ask him what was really wrong. Blaine lied around it and left to go home, only to realise that Sebastian was sitting by the window, staring outside.
"Hey," Blaine moved towards him.
Sebastian didn't even turn to look at him. The whole house was so clean that Blaine swore he can see his reflections in every surface. When Blaine had entered the kitchen to make himself some coffee, he was shocked at finding a huge plate of homemade pizza and a flower in the middle of the table – in fact, a lavender rose. Blaine raked his mind for the meaning of the flower and remembered it to be love at first sight. His mind flashed back to Sebastian's googly eyes when he first saw him. They sat in that coffee shop like they were lovers, unaware of time, space, or anything else in the universe, just each other's words, hanging onto each other's sentences. It felt a lot like love, and was a lot like something more than friendship from the start of the first glance to that first coffee that Sebastian had offered to buy for Blaine.
Blaine had felt bad for eating without Sebastian standing there, looming and demanding things, but he felt even worse for taking Sebastian's hard work for granted, so he simply sat down to eat. It was the most tedious lunch ever even though – as always, the flavour from the potatoes and meat was so explosive Blaine was left breathless. Blaine ate and had gone upstairs to do his homework. By the time he had gone downstairs, the whole kitchen was clean and re-moped for what felt like too soon. Blaine was frantically worried over Sebastian whom seemed to not really exist.
That next day, when Blaine came home from school, the first thing on his agenda was trying to do something that would elect a bit of joy from Sebastian. It was then when he was stirring batter and putting sugar that he realised that the more Sebastian was in pain, the more it literally killed Blaine as well. He loved Sebastian and this made him realise just how much he actually loved him, panicking over him constantly and longing for that sweet, beautiful smile. All he wanted was Sebastian to be happy. By five pm, his lunch was untouched – Sebastian had made him some salmon and brown rice with peas, and today's flower was a mallow – Blaine had to Google this one but he knew Sebastian picked flowers especially because Blaine was so obsessed with them after watching a movie (Blaine had even forgotten what movie right now). It meant 'consumed by love' apparently.
Blaine had laid out his brownies, perfectly cutting them, before he cleaned up his own mess in the kitchen, humming show tunes under his breath. He had gone outside of the kitchen only to see Sebastian sitting by that stupid window, gazing out like there was something to reflect on. He looked so depressed it nearly killed Blaine as he went to his lover, offering him a brownie from the pan. Sebastian stared at the confection as if it was radioactive as Blaine took the dessert, bringing it to Sebastian's lips. Sebastian took a bite out of it and just as he was eating it, Blaine had leaned down to kiss him. It was a lovely chocolate-y kiss but had barely any proper response from Sebastian. "You don't hurt me," Blaine said, but it was so ironic because all Blaine had was hurt in his eyes.
Sebastian's face spoke it all: he wasn't convinced that Blaine was okay, not even close to it. That morning, Blaine had caught Sebastian on Blaine's scale and Blaine's eyes widened at the number that was a lot lower than Blaine had anticipated, which only confirmed Blaine's theory. Sebastian snorted even though it was barely heard and turned away from the scale as Blaine still tried to process that number. It haunted him for the rest of the day as he went to school. His day was completely ruined as fear started to suppress him. It was so bad that the New Directions that were previously shunning him were asking him what was wrong (of course, Sam had been asking him what was wrong all along.) All Blaine had managed was a soft, sweet smile and mentioning something along the lines of not coping well but in reality, Blaine was horrifically anxious about Sebastian and if Sebastian was mentioned in the choir room, all Hell would break loose. He felt so confined, unable to tell anyone that wasn't the Warblers about his and Sebastian's relationship and he wasn't in Dalton. He wanted so desperately to go there right now as well but at the same time, New Directions was his home as well.
Blaine had then turned to eating and sleeping his emotions. He wanted Sebastian to call him out on it but Sebastian didn't speak anymore. He seemed so devoid of everything. Blaine mentioning those words had really struck him and Blaine had never felt guiltier about the whole ordeal. When Blaine had passed out from dehydration, Sebastian had torn the whole hospital in fretfulness and dread but even then he hadn't said a word. He swore he heard screaming and some of it may be Sebastian's but he was out of it then. Since then, Blaine was practically routinely hydrated by the clock as Sebastian would walk into his room to put up room temperature water bottles for Blaine to drink.
Just seeing Sebastian had made Blaine depressed, just seeing him because all he saw was the sorrow. One statement had ruined Sebastian's whole wide world. He still obsessively cleaned, placed those lavender roses and mallows on the table next to lunch that was frightfully good. He still did everything and even more obsessively so. It downed on Blaine that Sebastian was never at Dalton, not even for classes because he was so fixated on Blaine. Dalton wasn't home he realised because it would be so empty without Sebastian.
At some point, Blaine had started to throw up unintentionally from some sort of sickness. Blaine's Father had him so used to being sick and not cared for that Blaine didn't really pay attention to it even though halfway through performances, Blaine would puke up a storm. When Sebastian caught Blaine shakily pressed up against the sink, puking, all Sebastian did do was force Blaine bed, gave him a huge dosage of pills and the too-long sickness had left in days. It was during his sickness that Blaine realised he missed his Father – even if his Father didn't care, he missed his Father telling him to fucking suck it up. Strange wish but when he was sick, he was closer to his Father. He wondered when he stopped caring about how sick he got.
It was on a Monday evening when Blaine had walked into the kitchen and Sebastian was placing dinner on a plate. There were two plates – one Sebastian had used when preparing and one was for Blaine. He picked up the now empty preparation plate and turned around but in that instance, he was knocked down by the slick floor that he'd just cleaned and had crashed a plate. Blaine swore it was the loudest sound he heard. Sebastian wasn't physically hurt – but in that moment, for some reason that Blaine couldn't really understand, hot tears pooled into Sebastian's eyes as he uncontrollably shook, holding his head in his hands, weeping for something. Blaine's heart was hurting him so bad, because he'd never seen Sebastian so vulnerable and in that instant, he knew why Sebastian so quiet and distant, because he was in pain and Sebastian knew that Blaine loved him enough that if he was in pain, Blaine would be in pain as well.
"You can't protect me from hurting, Sebastian," Blaine whispered as he leaned down, cupping Sebastian's head in his hands. Sebastian had let him. Blaine was the only allowed to see that and with that knowledge in his mind, Blaine kissed his forehead. It was still and quiet for those few moments. Sebastian was shaking so badly that Blaine had gone off to get him a blanket, pull him to his feet and help him go to bed. Sebastian had actually been so exhausted he seemingly had fallen asleep the minute his head landed on that pillow. That night, Blaine couldn't sleep well, and that morning, he had gone off to look for his lover, finding Sebastian was still asleep. Blaine realised he'd gone up at five am, and with that, he went downstairs and made Sebastian some toast, eggs and tea. When Sebastian woke up to that breakfast, he had stared it for a few moments before he actually did eat under Blaine's watchful eye.
That day, Blaine was late for school, had been slushied three times and Artie told him to shut up during Glee for projecting an obscure idea. He had gotten Sebastian some clothing because his didn't fit him after his abnormal weight loss and Sebastian seemed to be even more distant, colder – Sebastian did not want to be taken care of, he wanted to take care of Blaine but Sebastian was such in a lethargic state that Blaine couldn't dare let him keep on doing what he was doing. Blaine had thought of phoning his only-there-for-the-holidays-maybe-not-even-then parents, as he didn't want to end up in trouble after they'd go through all of the adopting business – they even let him keep his last name, which Blaine appreciated. Blaine was honestly horrified over what can happen to Sebastian, whom had overworked himself for far too long – whose only focus was Blaine even through this.
Blaine had got a text message from Sebastian nearing supper: if I ask you a question, will you give me the truth? Blaine looked up with sincere eyes and nodded his head. He hoped that Sebastian was actually asking him the question.
"Be honest with me, Bee. Does being me with fucking hurt you?"
Blaine had hoped it wasn't that question as he shut his eyes. "Not intentionally," his voice was soft. "I hurt when you hurt, Bas. And I hate being smothered. I don't want to depend on you. I was…honestly a bit annoyed when you kept on smothering me and doing everything for me. I felt so guilty because Sebastian, it's not fair to you."
Sebastian was silent for a few moments. "I love you," he unexpectedly said.
Blaine nodded his head and with a certain voice said, "I love you too."
Feeling like so much was solved, Blaine was about to leave when Sebastian had finally said. "Sleep," he murmured. "You gotta sleep, Bee. Gotta."
"Yeah, yeah," Blaine had found a small smile on his lips at this conversation. He had crawled onto bed with a little hope for tomorrow. He woke up, made breakfast for Sebastian and apparently, Sebastian had made breakfast for him. Blaine had put in the effort in doing the same for Sebastian. They just ate, sharing smiles at each other and grins – they didn't have to say any words really. Blaine was euphoric when he left. He thought of actually buying a few flowers for Sebastian. He hadn't actually shown Sebastian that he loved him too, that the pain didn't matter because the love was so much better. It was cheesy but Blaine had been thinking about it all day. Sam pointed out his too brilliant smile and he aced an assignment. On his way home, he had gone to the florist.
When he was home, his first thing to do was find Sebastian, and then he realised that he was probably showering, he opened the bathroom and found out that Sebastian was in the water-filled tub. There were huge amounts of rues in the bathroom – Blaine knew what this one meant: regret. He remembered that and with that, his bouquet of red roses fell from his hands as he had gone off to look at Sebastian, realising that the rues were floating in crimson water and Sebastian was far too pale for life.
"You know, I'd do anything to make sure that nobody in this fucking world hurts you. I do fucking everything for you, Bee. I'd even fucking kill the bastard that ever tried to hurt you," those words were repeated into Blaine's mind. Sebastian had killed before, and he'd done it ruthlessly so. He had just done it again, just as carelessly, without thinking of the consequences. Sebastian had truly thought he'd hurt Blaine, made him depressed, lonely, anxious – all the things that Sebastian, things that Sebastian saw bits and pieces of in Blaine and over-exaggerated him, ignoring his own pain and projecting the intensity of it on Blaine.
Blaine knew he was not allowed to feel any sadness or pain. He needed not to, because Sebastian had killed himself just because he believed he'd been a cause of pain in Blaine's life. Sebastian wanted to end Blaine's suffering so he ended himself. Blaine refused to let himself hurt. He will cry only now, and during the funeral – he will put red roses on Sebastian's grave and tell him that he was perfect, because Sebastian was perfect – he just didn't realise how perfect he was because he was so fixated on Blaine's flawlessness.
"Sleep," Blaine whispered, voice strong but mind reeling with an abnormal amount of pain that Blaine tried to suppress, placing a hand on his dead lover's cold cheek as hot tears filled his eyes, already falling without warning. "You gotta sleep, Bas. Gotta."
xo Peanut Butter/Sam