To: All staff members of the Stormcage Containment Facility
From: Doctor River Song, Occupant of Cell 426
Date: March 11, 5146
My dear, dear, guards,
I have been the occupant of cell 426 for nearly three years now, and will continue to be for twelve continuous life sentences, so I have decided to make myself comfortable. As you should know by now, today is my birthday, and I think I deserve a present.
Unless you are blind or unbelievably stupid, you have obviously noticed that this entire planet is ever so dull and unprecedentedly damp. What this containment facility needs is a little excitement. And I intend to provide it. Or rather, be provided it.
Might I point out- particularly to you, my dear warden- how atrociously bland and boring your uniforms are? We can't have that, can we? Now, obviously, you are wondering, 'What could I possibly do to make myself more visually stimulating for Doctor Song?' Well, the answer is simple, really:
First: No more bloody black. That's only appropriate on Death Row, of which, I am not.
Second: Why must you tease me with your endless amounts of fabric? Arm length sleeves? Buttoned-up collars? There's such a thing as leaving too much to the imagination, darlings. Show some skin; I promise I'll behave.
Third: I do love a man in uniform, but not when the uniform has been exactly the same for nearly three years. Why do you insist on wearing the same thing day after onerous day? Nestene Duplicates are more original than you lot. Granted, they do have particular body parts that they can exchange, but that's beside the point. Now, what I would really love to see you boys in is something more inventive. And oh, the mind races… Imagine: little, old me, sitting bored in my cell, when suddenly, who should appear, but my charming personal prison guard, clothed in Roman uniform? Or perhaps a visit at breakfast from a member of the Queen's guard? There's nothing more visually enticing than seeing that enormous, long, black hat atop a man's head, you know.
I expect this to be placed into effect immediately. Otherwise, I may just decide to escape. Again.
Well, that's all for now.
More to come.