*Author's Note: Don't take this too seriously, kids.


Satanic Robots from Space

Chapter 1 – The Magnificent Glowing Rectangles

4:32 AM – Elder Connor McKinley awakened from his slumber to a choir of florescent lights sent from God above.

Outside his window, they glow so soothingly, so mysteriously, lighting the night sky as each of Pat Boone's glowing white teeth light his winning American grin.

They hum like sweet cherubim. Though he was no longer at rest, he was indeed at peace.

Could it be…

"A blessing!" he shrieked. Throughout the mission, the Elders awakened to his ill-timed joy (particularly his saccharine-addled roommate, Elder Poptarts).

Poptarts woke with a start from his sugar coma. "ELDER MCKINLEY. There is no need to cause all this hullabaloo at—" Poptarts looked agitatedly at his wristwatch, which he had forgotten to take off after the most recent of his many sugar crashes—"FOUR THIRTY IN THE MORNING!"

Elder McKinley completely disregarded his concerns. He's nothing more than an addict. (Yes, ignore everything they tell you, Connor. You have a blessing to witness.)

Elder McKinley was too possessed with delight to worry about his fructose junkie of a roommate.

The Magnificent Glowing Rectangles had arrived.

"A blessing from the Lord!" he screamed.

In his excitement, Elder McKinley forgot the concept of doors. To make up for this lapse in fundamental human knowledge, he quickly climbed on his nightstand and leapt majestically out of the third story window, landing safely on the mission's collection of rusty pocket knives, broken glass, and hypodermic needles.

As Connor emerged from the pile of pointy objects, he sprinted toward the Magnificent Glowing Rectangles as they approached the ground. He slowed as they landed on the mission's collection of Beanie Babies, marshmallows, and Tempur-Pedic mattress toppers. He stood in awe as small, metallic kittens scampered out of the Magnificent Glowing Rectangles, toying innocently with the rusted pocket knives that were wedged in his ankles.

The first prophecy had thus been fulfilled.