Satanic Robots from Space
6:52 AM - As the sanguine sun crawled above the peaceful African savanna, Elder McKinley blearily etched himself into consciousness in the mission infirmary, Elder Kevin Price and Elder Arnold Cunningham by his side.
"I really don't care what your thoughts are on it, Kevin," nagged Cunningham, "Han Solo/Princess Leia is the OTP to rule all OTPs."
"The only thing I've said to you is 'hello' and that was an hour ago!" Kevin snapped. He lifted his eyes to Connor and smiled. "You took quite a tumble there, Elder McKinley," he said.
Connor nodded. Then Arnold nodded. Then Kevin. They all nodded in eternal brotherhood.
"Why the heck did you jump out a third story window, Elder McKinley?" Cunningham questioned, "If the sophistication of British television has taught me anything, it's that heights are bad."
McKinley blushed and shrugged, realizing how ridiculous it would sound to Arnold and Kevin. "I was just really excited about the Magnificent Glowing Rectangles."
Arnold burst out in a fit of obnoxious, jolly laughter. Kevin glared at him with his laser vision, obviously not amused. (Arnold ignored Kevin's fantastic ocular power, just as everyone else did. In fact, it would be a miracle if anyone were to make mention of it again.)
"What Arnold is trying to tell you," explained Kevin, "is that you probably thought the lights we were setting up for the Bono concert were some sort of Heavenly Blessing."
A shadowy figure emerged from the curtains by the window. "Is Bono not a Heavenly Blessing?" he questioned in an unrecognizable Irish brogue.
Before any of the boys could respond to the ancient riddle, the figure vanished through the window and was carried on the breeze like dust to go to the next child who needed him.
"Look, you guys," Connor asserted himself, more sure of this than anything he had been before, "I don't know why the Magnificent Glowing Rectangles came here, or why we're having a Bono concert in an impoverished Ugandan village. All I know is that the Magnificent Glowing Rectangles came here for me, and I am the mother of the robotic kittens that emerged from them."
Kevin and Arnold sat silently.
Connor became enraged. "FINE, THEN. I'm the FATHER of the kittens, you heteronormative asshats!"
"ELDER CONNOR MCKINLEY," Kevin reprimanded in his best judgmental asshat voice, "Who taught you to talk like that?"
Connor was getting really concerned. Heteronormative? Asshat? He'd neither heard nor used any of those words in his life. Maybe falling on that pile of used hypodermic needles from a third story building wasn't the best idea.
"I…I don't know," he said, "I don't know what's wrong with me. I've never been like this before."
Kevin looked at the fear in Connor's eyes. Looked at it with his incredible laser eyes that everyone fails to mention. It was Super Mormon Showtime.
"Arnold," said Super Kevin, "Could you maybe excuse yourself while I speak with District Leader McKinley?"
Arnold nodded (eternal brotherhood). "Sure, Kevin. Naba and I were going to get ready for the Bono concert anyway."
"The concert doesn't start for 12 more hours," said Kevin.
"There is never enough preparation for Bonoooooo"
"Where is that Irish brogue coming from?" said Kevin.
"I don't know, but I better hurry!" said Arnold "I might miss the concert. Hope you feel better, Elder McKinley!"
"Thanks, Arnold." Arnold rushed out, slamming the door behind him. Kevin turned to Connor.
"Now, Connor," he said, "I know that some odd things are happening and you're very passionate and confused. But it's times like these that we need our faith the most. And to deviate from that is—"
"Really, Kevin?" sassed Connor, defiant. "You think I'm some sort of blasphemous maniac, don't you?"
"No, not at all! It's just—"
"You don't want me to be capable of my duties as District Leader," he continued, "This condescending bullsh—STUFF is just so you can take my position without it looking like a power grab, isn't it?"
"Connor, you're being para—"
"DON'T call me paranoid." Connor was yelling now. He adjusted his tone, lest he look like a crazy beeyotch. "And don't call me Connor. It's District Leader Elder McKinley and it's going to stay that way."
Kevin stopped trying. Super Mormon Showtime was postponed for a later date.
District Leader Elder McKinley ripped the IV out of his arm and walked defiantly out of the room.
"Now if you'll excuse me, Elder Price, I'm checking out."
Elder Price stared forlornly with his ignored laser eyes as Connor walked away from him, hospital gown flowing behind dat ass.
Senpai would not notice him.
Not this year.