To the people that asked, "Doctor Constantine" is in reference to Doctor Who ("The Empty Child"/"The Doctor Dances") which is one of my new favorite TV shows- I am a total Whovian ;)
Well, this is it guys! This is the LAST CHAPTER!
Dark cocoa or coffee color
EX: The girl found that the boy's brown eyes calmed and reassured her.
Leaving the hospital had been like waking up from a bad dream, only to realize that the nightmare was real. When it was just me and Freddie, I felt okay. But as soon as I walked out the doors, reality came back to me.
I had to tell my friends about it. Carly was saddened by the news, but hoped I'd heal quickly, both from the emotional and physical damage. Spencer seemed relieved that at least I was okay, but definitely stunned. I think it was hard for him to understand. Max was the hardest to tell. Right when he'd gotten used to the prospect of being a father, when he'd started to feel almost excited about it, he found out that he wasn't going to be a dad after all. He was the once who related to me most, but I didn't want to talk to him, and vice versa. It was all very somber and it left me feeling like I was dragging around a bunch of bricks. Freddie tried so hard to comfort me, but there was nothing he could do.
I was back in the real world. I felt a little cheated, to tell you the truth. Sure, I never wanted to get pregnant, but it gave me a purpose. All of a sudden, that purpose was gone, and I really didn't know what to do. I was quickly enveloped in a world of frustration and confusion, as I struggled to understand what I was supposed to do now. I had no future. I'd never get into college with my GPA, and I still didn't know what I wanted to do with my life. It made me resent everyone else. Spencer knew what he was, and even though he didn't make a lot from it, he was a great artist and he didn't mind working hard at it because he loved it. Max was off at college, working his hardest to do what he loved. Carly would be leaving in less than two months to study drama in Europe near where her dad was stationed. Even Freddie knew exactly what he would be doing.
Freddie was the person I grew to hate the most. It was almost like we'd started over, to be honest. I couldn't stand to be around him; he made my heart ache for what could have been and scream because I ruined it. I didn't see what he really meant to me until after he left, and then there was nothing I could do. We became friends while I was pregnant, and there were times I almost thought we might get back together, but it never happened. That made me resent him more than ever, and I avoided him at all costs. That was partially because of how mad I was at him, but also because I was still in love with him and it broke my heart to be right next to him and yet feel so far away. Ever since we left the hospital, we'd lost our connection. He wanted to be there to help me through the loss, and I told him I wanted distance. Eventually, he gave in, and that's what hurt the most. Inside, I wanted him to be with me, to ignore what I was saying and save me from the blackness that began to swallow me. Maybe it was stupid to be mad at him for doing what I asked, but one of the things I'd loved about him was that he never did what I told him, he did what he thought was best.
Eventually, I just closed myself off. I shut off my feelings and just did what needed to be done, much like a robot. I worked out daily to get back in shape and I kept doing iCarly. To all the people outside, it looked like nothing had changed, but inside I was a wreck. I felt empty and numb, and depression ate at the walls I used to shut everyone out. After a week, I started forgetting what it was like to feel joy or happiness. Admittedly, there was still a tiny part of my heart that warmed at the sight of Freddie, but it shattered whenever he walked away.
My mom finally figured out what was going on too. She saw all the pregnancy vitamins in my bathroom and the ultrasound pictures hidden in my dresser and threatened to throw me out. Fortunately for me, I miscarried, so I still had a place to sleep. If not for the loss of my twins, I probably would have been homeless.
But my mom still ignored me. Not that she and I had ever been close, but she just pretended I wasn't there. I was invisible to her and to everyone around me. Sure, the Shays and Freddie were around me every so often, but they didn't really see me either, they didn't look past the façade that I put up.
Freddie eventually became a problem. A bigger one, anyway. After two and a half weeks, he began trying again. He started trying to contact me, trying to be my best friend, trying to fix all my problems. The problem was, I was too far gone. I had spent so much time being numb that I was afraid of feeling something again, which would surely happen if I spent time alone with Freddie. I was so scared of getting hurt again that I stopped functioning altogether. I didn't leave the house at all. I worked out inside by jogging in place and doing situps. I told Carly that I was too sick to do the show. And most importantly, I avoided Freddie at all costs. At first, that just meant ignoring his texts, calls, and emails. Then he started stopping by at my house, knocking and calling out my name. I stuck in earplugs and hid myself in a closet. One day, he even came inside. Fortunately, I was in my mom's closet, and he didn't go in her room because he was still a little scared of my mom. After that, I made sure to lock the door all the time, and our spare key no longer resided under the mat where Freddie could find it.
I was a terrified mess, and I needed help.
Saturday (three weeks later)
It was the middle of the night and I'd fallen asleep on the couch watching Final Destination 3. I was twitching and crying because of the dreams. They haunted me every night, far worse that the dreams I had when I was pregnant. Every time I fell asleep, I saw two young boys that looked like someone I cared about. I don't know why it was always two boys, it just was. Maybe some part of me had hoped that my twins had been boys, or maybe I somehow knew it, subconsciously. They sometimes resembled Max or Spencer, and once they even looked like Gibby. Most nights though, I dreamed of Freddie and Garret. They always seemed to find a way into my dreams, the one place where I couldn't guard myself against fear or pain.
Every night, I watched those two boys die. Sometimes, they begged me to save them, though I couldn't do anything. Sometimes, despite my pleading, they committed suicide. The worst dreams were when I killed the two boys. It was always and accident, nothing I could fix after it happened, but it was horrible. I found myself staying up for more than two days just so I wouldn't have to face the dreams, but fatigue would finally overcome me and pull me into hellish nightmares.
"Garret, NO!" I was screaming, tears running down my face as, in my mind, I saw a ten-year-old Garrett running into a burning building with a ten-year-old Max. I saw the building collapse and I screamed again, tears pouring down my face.
Suddenly, I found myself in firm, familiar arms.
Back in reality, a voice whispered, "Shhh, shh. It was only a dream, Sam. I'm here now."
He had found a way to get to me. I was vulnerable, and I couldn't bear to leave the comfort of his arms.
I sobbed into Freddie's chest and he rocked me back and forth slowly, murmuring quietly to himself that he should never have listened to me.
"I'm so sorry, Sam", he said, "I should have come sooner."
I was shaking and Freddie was too.
I finally pulled away from Freddie when I heard a familiar purring getting closer. I looked down and pulled a very dirty Rabia into my lap. Her purring grew much louder as I pet her and I almost smiled.
I turned and looked at him, while scratching Rabia behind the ears.
"Freddie", I replied.
"I've been worried about you, Sam."
I sighed, suddenly wishing he hadn't come. I felt like I had the day Freddie found me crying about Frothy: stupid and embarrassed, not to mention angry at his intrusion.
"I just want to help you."
A sort of fear and pain twisted together in me and created what sounded a lot like anger.
"Well, I don't need your help! I don't need anyone's help!"
Freddie looked a little hurt, but more than that, he looked scared.
"Sam, please. Why are you trying to push us all away? Carly, Spencer and I have always been there to back you; that hasn't changed. Trust me. Come back."
I shook my head and turned my face away. It wasn't that I didn't trust him, it was just that after two weeks of being shut down, it seemed impossible to go back to a world where getting hurt was so easy and happened so often.
"Look at me!" cried Freddie.
He startled Rabia, and she jumped off my lap.
"Can't you see? I'm afraid of what you're doing to yourself! I'm scared that the Sam Puckett I knew is dead and gone forever. I want that girl back, Sam."
I wondered if he was right. The girl I once was, could she be dead with the twins she might've had?
"You shouldn't have come here, Freddie", I murmured. "Just leave me alone."
The girl I once was died the first time Freddie kissed me. A new Sam was born, one who was braver and happier, and she wasn't afraid to show what she was really feeling. Even after I found out I was pregnant, I embraced life because I had hope and I felt like I had a purpose.
But Freddie was right. That Sam was gone, maybe forever. I was alive, but not really living. I'd lost hope that my life would ever mean anything. I felt worthless.
Freddie grabbed my shoulders and stared at me boldly.
"Now you listen to me, Sam. I will never leave you alone. You got that? I swear to God, no matter how hard you try to push me away, I will fight to be here protecting you just like I always have, because I…"
He trailed off, staring into my eyes. Suddenly, unexpectedly, Freddie leaned forward and captured my lips in a kiss.
I was so stunned, so caught off guard, that I didn't even stop to think. I melted into the familiarity of Freddie's kiss, leaning into his warmth and passion.
And then, finally realizing what was happening, I pulled away and slapped Freddie hard across the face.
"HOW DARE YOU?! How DARE you torture me like this? How am I supposed to protect myself when you… when you do things like this?"
I stood up and turned to shut myself in my room, but Freddie grabbed my arm, gripping it too tightly for me to escape.
"I don't want you to protect yourself from me, Sam. You shouldn't have to. You DON'T have to."
I glanced back at my door, and he pulled me closer to him so that he was looking right into my eyes.
"Don't you think I've thought about it? Getting back together? Haven't you thought about it?"
He let go of my arm, but I didn't move.
"Do you think we could ever have what we used to have? Because I've never felt happier than I did when we were together and I could kiss you every day. I have hoped like mad for a sign that you felt the same. I want you to feel what I feel. I want… I want love that lasts until the end of time, and I can't imagine having that with anyone but you."
I stood there completely frozen. Warmth began seeping into my body. I began to feel things again. Hope, caring, longing. And love. I felt a lot of love.
But I also felt fear. I was afraid that I would mess it up all over again.
I looked into Freddie's eyes and saw a world free of fear, free of lies and pain and suffering. In him I saw a life with hope and meaning, and I realized that maybe he was all I needed after all.
"Give me a little time, Freddie. I think… I just need things to be simple right now."
Freddie looked hopeful.
"You want something simple?"
"Then how 'bout a date?"
I bit my lip, but a smile crept its way across my face. I couldn't help it.
"Okay. As long as you promise… nothing complicated. Deal?"
"Of course! We'll take it slow, keep it simple. I would love that."
My heart leapt and I felt not a blossom, but a blaze of happiness and excitement and hope.
The barriers I had built to protect myself were crumbling to dust; I didn't need them anymore. As it turned out, it was meaning that had been missing from my life. Freddie gave my life meaning. More than that, Freddie gave me hope, and he helped me see the love that was there all along.
Freddie stayed with me that night. He sat with me and promised to protect me from the nightmares.
And you know what? He did.
For the first night in three weeks, I slept soundly, dreaming only of worlds filled with chocolate and Fatcakes.
I wasn't afraid anymore. I knew that Freddie's watchful brown eyes were gazing down at me as I slept and he wouldn't let anything hurt me. Those damn brown eyes would be there when I got up in the morning and when I sat down to eat breakfast. They would be there watching me through the years with caring and maybe even love. They would always be there, looking after me.
I would never have to go far too see them.
Those damn brown eyes.
It may seem a little over-dramatic, but miscarriage is just one of those things... anyways.
"Those Damn Blue Eyes" (all in Freddie's POV) will begin being posted on Sunday, October 6th. That's two weeks from now. The sequel will be much shorter, kind of a mini story, hopefully about 14-16 chapters so it'll end before New Year's. It'll be kind of about how Sam and Freddie cope with being apart (college) and how they fall in love all over again. It may be somewhat angst-y but I'll try to add some fluff where I can.
Please REVIEW(!) and tell me what you think of this story and what you hope the sequel will include.
Did you like the ending? Did you think it was realistic?
What is in store for Sam and Freddie?
Best reviewer gets a preview of the sequel's first chapter a week in advance!
Thank you all for reading; I hope you've enjoyed my story!