Scorpia Complaints Desk

A/N: If Scorpia had a complaints desk...

The adverts were in all the papers. Scorpia had been forced to set up a complaints desk for all their victims now they had fallen. The villainous agency tried to hide the number, but that failed, as the papers gleefully added it to their articles.

Sixteen year old Alex Rider happened to come across the story on the front of the paper. He thought for a while, then picked up the phone and dialled the complaints hotline.

"Hello, this is Scorpia's Complaints Desk - home of the former top most villainous agency. How can I help you?" said the Scorpia agent on the other end.

"Hello, this is Alex Rider. I would like to enquire about your... methods," said Alex.

The Scorpia agent got a slight uneasy chill down his back. This was the Alex Rider, superspy and the one who had taken down Scorpia. He whispered to his fellow agent by his side.

"Get the assassins ready."

"Can't," replied his fellow agent.


"They left."

"OK, get a ninja then!"

"Can't. He left as well."

"No ninja? OK, get me a gunner then."

"No gunners."

The agent paused.

"Next you'll be telling me we don't have a person with a gun!" he shouted.

"We don't," replied his fellow.

"What do we have then?" yelled the agent.

"Erm... ten call centre personnel and a man with a pit bull terrier," said his fellow.

"Send the terrier!"


"My apologies," said the agent," Some urgent business. OK, which methods?"

"Firstly, the bugging of my house, including my bathroom. I find that creepy, and I could sue you for paedophilia," Alex said smoothly.

Crap, thought the agent. When did we get teenage lawyers coming in?

"OK, we can come to a deal. I can give you a tenner," said the agent.

"Right. That would be fine. Next, your killing of my family," said Alex.

The agent breathed a sigh of relief. The superspy/lawyer couldn't make them squirm on this one. There was a fixed compensation rate.

"OK, you may have £500,000 for each family member, which equates to 1.5 million pounds," said the agent," So far, we owe you £1,500,010 pounds."

Alex grinned at the other end. Not because he had the money, but because he could now finish his call with a bang.

"Send it over , and, by the way, your phone will explode in one second."

Alex ended up getting a lot of pocket money that week(and a new pit bull, which he named Scorpy), and the Scorpia centre was blown up by the malfunctioning telephone and power system. Alex decided to text Smithers the number...