It all started like any other day. Kotetsu and Izumo were doing gate duty...when four people and a pig arrived. Two blonds, a raven haired girl and a red head. One blond was very familiar, because she was the Sannin Tsunade. The raven haired girl was her apprentice Shizune. But it was the red head and other blond that had them staring.
"Holy crap...is that?" said Kotetsu.
"...I think it is...but aren't they dead?" said Izumo also gaping.
The fourth Hokage and his jounin girlfriend, who died twelve years ago during the Kyuubi attack, were walking into the gate with Tsunade. Both of them looking like they hadn't aged a day!
"But...you died! Both of you did!"
"Yeah...but remember when some idiots from Iwa tried to dig up his corpse? There wasn't anything in there, and the Civilian council raised one hell of a stink," said Izumo.
"...Come to think of it her body was never recovered either," said Kotetsu.
Kushina waited patiently before she spoke.
"So, since you two are clearly smart enough to figure something big is on, how about I ask one question? What's your opinion of Uzumaki Naruto?"
"The blond fox kid? He's a good brat, and his pranks are funny as hell," said Kotetsu. He couldn't help but feel like this was a test, one that he better get right or else.
"Yeah, he's always good for a laugh," said Izumo.
Kushina beamed at them both, handing them slips of paper with what appeared to be paws on them.
"What are these for?" asked Izumo.
"Trust me, you'll be glad to have them by tomorrow. I assume you know of how my son is treated around the village?"
The two sputtered. They didn't know he was her son! No wonder he liked pranks so much.
"What are they for though?" asked Kotetsu.
"Let's just say that those with the paws don't get the claws. If I were you I'd ask for time off though..." she said with an evil grin.
The two shuddered and made a note to avoid her tomorrow.
Sarutobi actually weeped when he saw Minato.
"Thank the kami's you came...!" he said.
"Afraid I would back out and leave you with the paperwork?" grinned Minato.
"Among others. Now how are we going to play this?" asked Sarutobi.
"Easily enough. I want one week to cause as much chaos in the village with no ANBU chasing me for the mental trauma. Tsunade will take over the hospital to insure I don't accidentally kill someone," said Kushina.
"I get it. Cause enough chaos and no one will question his reappearance. I like it. But what about Naruto?"
"Mind if I abduct him in your name? I can't wait to actually see his face!" she said.
"Go ahead. Ichiraku's hasn't moved, and it's his favorite place."
Kushina cackled, and put on her ANBU mask. She was out the window and to the Academy without saying a word in edgewise.
Iruka looked up when he heard the knock.
"Yes, ANBU-san?" he asked. It couldn't be good for an ANBU to be here.
"The Hokage wants to see Uzumaki-san."
"Can it wait until after class?" asked Iruka. This was unusual...unless Naruto played a big prank again.
"Come on Iruka-sensei, it's only history!" complained Naruto.
"Naruto, if you've played another big prank..." he warned.
Naruto smirked. But he was curious as to why the ANBU was there...since he didn't know they had a fox one. He grabbed his things and was out the door with the ANBU.
And found himself at Ichiraku's.
"Uzumaki, I've heard your a veritable black hole when it comes to ramen..."
"I challenge you to a ramen eating contest. A certain toad sage has agreed to foot the bill."
"Woohoo! FREE RAMEN!" yelled Naruto.
Two hours later, people were staring at the large stacks of ramen bowls. Naruto was beyond surprised to find out that the Fox ANBU could keep up with him. When he was finally full, the woman kept going for two more bowls before giving up.
"The winner is the ANBU over here," said Teuchi in surprise. No one beat Naruto at eating ramen.
"Ah, that hit the spot! Been far too long since I had your Ramen old man!" said the woman with a chirp.
Teuchi frowned. He recognized that voice.
"Lady who the hell are ya? You aren't like those stuck up ANBU at all!" said Naruto.
"You really want to know? How about we make a bet."
"You're on lady!"
"If I can get you to become speechless for a good five minutes, then you can't prank anyone for a week. You win, I'll treat you to another contest. I win, and you can't prank. Deal?"
"Deal! So who are you?"
Kushina was grinning widely under her mask...and as she revealed who was under it Naruto's eyes went so wide it was a miracle they didn't pop out entirely.
"Miss me squirt?" she asked.
Naruto didn't say a word. He just tackled her off the stool. The moment he didn't go through her he knew she was really there. Once his tears were finally dried up, he looked at her.
"I'm finally back, Naruto. And I plan to stay!" she grinned.
"It can't be, Kushina?!" said Teuchi.
"The same. I ended up getting dragged halfway cross the world...and then had to make a deal with Shinigami-sama just to get home. It took me six years to do it, but it was worth it just to see my son again," she said with a grin.
"Hokage-sama, why did you want to see Naruto?" asked Iruka once class was over.
Sarutobi looked up from his paperwork with amusement. Looks like Kushina had already picked up Naruto.
"I didn't ask for him. His mother did," Sarutobi said with amusement.
"Hokage-sama, I thought Naruto was an orphan?"
"His mother and father recently returned from a classified mission. It was easier to let people assume they were dead until they could return. Knowing Kushina, she probably took him out to Ichiraku's."
"Sir, how do we know that they're his parents?"
"Perhaps you should meet them at their house. They'll be there in an hour. From what I heard, Kushina has some plans to get payback for all the crap the village has put her son through in their absence."
Iruka paled. Somehow he knew this would end badly for those who hurt Naruto.
Kushina left her son with Minato, who had Naruto in complete awe that his dad was the Fourth. It didn't take long for his father to start showing him some real taijutsu, and helping Naruto practice.
Kushina went to every store, marking the ones that didn't try to overcharge or worse, throw him out without even looking at him in the eye. She was henged as her son the whole time.
It was rather sad that out of Konoha, only the brothels, a few bars and a select few food vendors didn't hate him on sight. Even worse, barely a handful of weapons stores allowed him to buy practice weapons at their proper price. As a result of her little experiment, she was dismayed by the sea of white in the village. Not that anyone really noticed the slips.
Though she was happy to find out that most of the ninja clans were at least neutral to Naruto. Particularly the Aburame clan, who knew what it was like to have something in you that everyone hated you for.
Every so often she would come across someone who not only knew of her son, but didn't hate him on sight. To them she handed over little seals with fox paws on them. Among those who got a fox seal was a newly made jounin named Kuranai, most of the ANBU, almost the entire T and I division (which wasn't that surprising since Naruto liked to come and visit his Aunt Anko, and he was such a little sweetheart. The sounds of torture didn't bother him one bit!), and occasionally stores that were run by outsiders who came after the Kyuubi attack.
Kushina was of the mind to put the fear of the fox into the village, and show them what idiots they had been.
Iruka was staring in disbelief when he saw what house he was sent to. He could see Naruto practicing with an older man whose hair was covered by the headband. Nearby was a young woman with pale blond hair and bright blue eyes. Those eyes were wide open, and he felt like they could see right through you.
"Well are you going to go in or what?" said a voice from behind him. He turned to find the woman from before, only this time the mask was on her side.
"Are you the ANBU who nabbed Naruto earlier?"
"Haven't been officially reinstated yet, but yes I am her. You must be Iruka."
She opened the blood sealed door with ease, which only proved that she either lived there or was keyed into the seal.
"It's good to know that my blood seal was still working even after all this time," she commented.
"You made that seal?!" he asked in surprise. It was the most complicated one he had ever seen!
She gave him an amused look.
"The Uzumaki clan has always been full of natural Seal Masters. As the Head of the clan, I should be at least as good to make something that simple," she said grinning.
She brought him into the kitchen, which had a clear view to the backyard. Iruka could see Naruto having a blast properly learning taijutsu under the older man's guidance.
Iruka drank the tea she handed him with grace.
"Why did you leave him alone? Why come back now?" he asked.
"We didn't leave him by choice. We were supposed to die the day he was born, but something intervened at the last second. I was grabbed by someone performing an odd ritual seal that dragged me halfway cross the world. My husband was brought back from the dead as a newborn infant to act as my back up by Shinigami-sama. All in exchange for retrieving three items that shouldn't have existed in the first place," said Kushina.
Iruka nearly choked on his tea.
"Shinigami-sama personally had you do a mission for him? Why not do it himself?"
"Normally he would have, but the part of the world I was in wasn't normally part of his jurisdiction. So he needed someone to act for him...since I was stuck there because of the ritual and an annoying old man, he asked me to do it in exchange for a ride home."
As she told Iruka the tale (since Sarutobi was told as it happened, and had kept a book with all she told him just to be sure he could remember it all) his eyes got bigger and wider. He almost didn't notice the fact that Naruto had come in for something to drink.
"Iruka-sensei! What are you doing here?"
"I invited him in," said Kushina, drinking another cup of tea.
"Iruka-sensei is awesome!" said Naruto with conviction.
Kushina laughed, and messed up his hair.
"I'm sure he is, if you like him so much. Tell you what, why don't you and Minnie start moving your things here while I go shopping for supper. You can bring your friend Sasuke too," she said with a grin.
"You aren't going to make something as dangerous as Uncle Sirius did are you? The old man banned him from cooking his specialty ever again."
"Oh, I have to hear about this! You'll have to tell me over dinner, okay? I'm making spaghetti."
And like that, a thought hit her.
"Minnie, go find that scarecrow you used to teach and bring his ass over here! I haven't been able to find his annoying ass!" yelled Kushina.
"What kind of parent names their son Minnie?" asked Iruka.
"It's Kaa-san's nickname for dad. The old man said it was easier than letting me know who he was until he came back."
"Why would he say a thing like that?" asked Iruka, curious.
Naruto decided to answer that question with one of his own.
"Let me put it this way... Did you ever wonder why the old man had all the official pictures of the Fourth destroyed?"
"Actually, yes, but that doesn't answer my question," said Iruka.
"...Perhaps it would be a better idea to stop by the Nara clan, last I heard Shikamaru's dad had a good picture of the Fourth after he was elected Hokage..."
Iruka was utterly confused at this point, but he actually fainted later. Naruto took that time to get some blackmail on the man, because this was honestly the first time he ever saw his favorite teacher faint from shock and not the Sexy Jutsu. Shikamaru found the whole thing amusing, but asked for his own copies.
Minato took great pleasure tormenting Kakashi. I mean seriously, who wouldn't after learning their only surviving student became a notorious pervert?
Kakashi kept using his Sharingan to assure himself that it was actually his sensei and not some sort of genjutsu...or Naruto using a henge, which defied even his copying skills for some odd reason.
"How?" he finally asked.
"Kushina was dragged halfway cross the world by some meddling old geezer, and Shinigami-sama decided I would be the perfect back up since I was already stuck with him. In exchange for helping her complete the mission, we got to come home with living bodies. He actually let us take pictures of the look on Jiraiya's face when he realized I was still alive...and Sarutobi's when I finally told him how to kill the evil paperwork."
"...Do you have copies?" Kakashi asked hopefully.
Minato reached into his coat and held out one, and Kakashi grabbed it without thinking. He was soon laughing his ass off at the expression...before he realized that the picture was moving.
"What the hell?"
"The place Kushina was dragged to? It was full of Madoushi. One of their favorite tricks is a jutsu that allows pictures to move on their own," said Minato with amusement.
Seeing the incredulous look on his face, Minato took great pleasure giving Kakashi pink hair. Hearing the shriek the man gave off once he realized what his sensei had done had been particularly satisfying.
"Coincidentally Kushina wants you over for dinner. Something about insuring you don't accidentally get caught up in her little scheme..."
"Dear kami...what scheme?"
"The one to raise absolute hell for the way the civilians treated our son...and get me back in my position as Hokage with minimal fuss. From what she has said about her plans, we're going to need a new civilian council."
Kakashi said nothing, but you could feel the grin behind the mask.