Really, it was all Ben Rodden's fault.

Ben Rodden and his boyfriend, to be more specific. Dean was twelve and Ben was eighteen and they were neighbors and Dean always peered curiously through the window over summer holidays when Ben would kiss his boyfriend good night. And Dean would pretend to be disgusted when one of his sisters caught him staring and then go watch West Ham's latest match on the telly but even when the adverts full of pretty girls would come on his thoughts would always drift to how Ben seemed really happy and why couldn't Dean have a handsome boy to kiss good night too?

Then Dean blamed Stuart Kromer. Or was it Kramer?

Stuart was Seamus' first kiss with a bloke, and even the thought of it not being with Dean made him angry. But Seamus had come running up to Dean on the platform at King's Cross before the start of fifth year and dragged him away from saying good-bye to his mum and sisters and stepdad and pulled him onto the train and into an empty compartment and swore it didn't mean anything, they were just drunk and Stuart's got long hair anyway and did this mean he was gay?

And Dean promised Seamus he would keep it a secret because they were best mates, like brothers even and a good brother didn't care whether his brother fancied girls or blokes or even yellow-spotted hippogriffs, so long as they could still play Quidditch together on the weekends and call Malfoy names and take the mickey out of Ron for his mum's god-awful sweaters.

Gabriel Tate was the one who made everything really go to shit.

Because he called Dean a poof because he liked to draw and then Tate stole his sketchbook so Dean had to deck him because he had too many drawings of Seamus that nobody knew about, not even his best mate, and they were embarrassing because what kind of bloke drew pictures of another bloke all the time? But the rumor mill at Hogwarts was having a field day so by the time Seamus found out about it Dean had been the one to call Tate a poof and all of a sudden Dean's best mate wasn't talking to him anymore because Seamus didn't feel comfortable around a bloke who couldn't accept him for who he was and then Seamus and Tate are holding hands in the corridors and for some reason Dean finds himself always hugging his stomach because it's the only way to keep himself from falling apart.

But Seamus turned out to be the guilty one.

At least that's what he managed to choke out between sobs when Tate broke his heart and Dean was the one to pick up the pieces. Seamus wasn't good enough for Tate, that's why Tate had to cheat on him with a bloke from Beauxbatons he met over the winter holidays because Seamus couldn't give him what he needed, he left Tate with no choice, it was all Seamus' fault, it was all his fault, it was all his fault Dean it was all his fault. But Dean had to disagree as he looked at his best mate with sandy brown hair and tear-filled blue eyes that laughed off explosions in the Potions classroom and never passed up a treacle tart at the Gryffindor table and let his mum kiss him on the cheek with a reluctant smile.

No, it wasn't Seamus fault, not at all.

In the end, Dean had to take all the responsibility.

It was him who had kissed Seamus good night because he wanted to know if it was as nice as Ben Rodden had made it seem, him who came to the conclusion that Ben couldn't actually know exactly how wonderful a kiss good night was because he'd never done it with Seamus, him who put his hand on Seamus' knee under the table when they sat next to each other in the Great Hall, him who poured extra rum into Seamus' rum-and-coke when his mum and stepdad had gone out to see a play and his sisters were away at summer camp and Seamus was staying over so Seamus would touch him and feel him and be with him in a way he would be too scared to be with his best mate if he was sober, him who had told Seamus it was a mistake, it was all just a mistake and they were best mates and things like that just happened sometimes and it didn't mean anything, it didn't mean anything, it didn't mean anything even though Dean didn't think he would ever be able to love anyone else like he loved Seamus, like he loved his best mate, like he loved the boy who told corny jokes and took his tea like the Irish and unknowingly broke his heart over and over and over again.


Author's note: I've rekindled my obsession with Dean/Seamus fics, so I've decided to write a little one-shot of my own about them. It was composed in less than an hour, barely read over, and not shown love by a beta, so it's not my best work, but I couldn't not write it. Please leave a review and tell me what you think!