A/N: Surprise! Bet you weren't expecting this to be updated! I did say fair and square, though, that this would suffer from sporadic updating.

Anyway, before you read this, let me give you fair warning. It's not as clean as anything I've written previously. I don't think it warrants an M-rating, plus I don't want to change the main rating for the sake of one chapter, but just...reader discretion is advised.


Less Than Holy Deeds

Jacob probably wouldn't have even recognized the sound if he hadn't been all too familiar with it.

His knowledge of this particular sound certainly wasn't something he flaunted around like a prize-winning pig, but if asked, he wasn't afraid to admit it. Fox, on the other hand...

You might know this sound, too. Jacob would describe it as a "muted paddleball."

It's not a very loud sound, either. But at eight in the morning, when no one else is supposed to be awake, and when Wolf hasn't awoken to switch on the living room television yet, one could hear it all the way up the stairs and into the kitchen.

And that's how Jacob heard it that Thursday morning. It was still the summertime, still during summer vacation. The school break was certainly dwindling, though. Being that it was mid-August, the human twins had a little over a week to go until school started again.

But I digress. Back to the sound.

Jacob heard it as he was switching on the coffeemaker for his brother Josh and furries Fox McCloud and Wolf O'Donnell. As mentioned before, it was a muffled paddleball sort of sound; quiet yet strangely rhythmic. And, as mentioned before, he thought he recognized it. Whether it was the average morning brain-dead quality that a teenager has that compelled him to look down the stairs, or just the need to confirm a grim realization, nobody would ever know.

The simple fact is that he made the bad decision to look.

At the angle that the stairwell was at, he wasn't able to see the computer screen. He was able to see Fox, though; at least, enough of him to get the picture.

The vulpine was still in his nightclothes; a white T-shirt with red around the edges, and some green flannel shorts. None of that mattered, though. There were really only two details that gave it all away.

First, his white-tipped tail twitched right along with the sound whilst hanging over the edge of the computer chair. And second, his right elbow and arm moved just perceptibly right along with the rhythm. It was almost like a dance; a sickening, disgusting dance to a beat Fox himself was creating.

Any sane person's reaction would probably be to walk away and pretend like nothing ever happened. And while it's doubtful that the Chase twins could be considered entirely sane, it's still what Jacob should have done as well. Yet, he didn't. He continued to look on, hiding himself as best he could in case Fox turned around.

It could have been disbelief. It could have been shock. It could have been pure curiosity. It could have been any combination of the three. But whatever the reason, Jacob looked on at Fox's back, knowing all too well what was happening at the front.

He was still crouched by the stairwell when Wolf walked into the kitchen five minutes later. Dressed only in some blue shorts and his trademark cybernetic eye, he initially didn't notice the human. He just started digging around in the fridge for the Arnold Palmer he had saved from last week's road trip to Cedar Point. Only after he pulled his face out of the fridge did he notice Jacob's strange position on the wooden floor.

The lupine glanced sideways in thought for a moment, trying and failing to find an easy explanation for the human's behavior.

"Uh...Jake? What are you-?" Wolf tried to ask.

"Shhhh!" he hissed while motioning for the lupine to come over and find out for himself.

Wolf shrugged his bare shoulders and walked calmly towards the stairwell. Suddenly, his ears twitched to point in the downstairs direction, and Jacob knew that he had picked up the sound, too.

Right after hearing it, Wolf's face changed to look almost exactly like Jacob's had; that same confused, yet slightly sure of the gross possibility look. The lupine's steps became softer, his stride shortened, and he overall looked more like he was in a combat operation rather than a peaceful North Dakota house.

Just like he might check a room for enemies, he slowly poked his head around the corner and down the stairwell. It took no time flat for him to reach the same conclusion.

"Oh my God, he's pawing off," Wolf announced softly, eyebrows raised high.

Jacob began to nod in agreement until he fully realized what Wolf had said. Jacob looked again at the lupine, thinking he learned a new expression, but not quite sure.

Wolf picked up on the human's half-confused expression, and although he really didn't feel like saying it, he knew he had to clarify.

"It means he's mastur-"

"I get it," Jacob stopped him, squeezing his eyes shut. He understood what Wolf was trying to say as soon as he heard the first syllable.

Fox kept on going, unbelievably tuned to the outside world. Wolf and Jacob remained frozen in place, seemingly not able to comprehend the events before them. It was well known Internet knowledge that actions like that took place, but it was an entirely different situation altogether to catch someone in the act. Especially someone as supposedly good and heroic as Fox.

Then again, though, if the recent months have taught the Chase kids anything, it's that Fox isn't as perfect as the games make him out to be. From his addiction to Amp, to his over-abundance of criticisms on human technology, and now this new habit, the vulpine was a completely different furry outside of combat.

The paddleball sound continued. Jacob was starting to find his endurance both disgusting and impressive.

What was more surprising, however, was the fact that Fox hadn't noticed either of them yet. For all the bragging he did about his "superior" senses, his awareness was very much lapsing.

"Hey, Wolf, how come he hasn't noticed us yet?" he whispered across the stairwell, looking for some input.

"Pawing off does crazy things to one's senses," the lupine whispered back. He continued with a laugh. "Considering you're a teenager, I figured you'd know that."

Jacob shrugged his shoulders, seeing both the logic and the minor insult. The human was also confused as to why Wolf hadn't gone elsewhere yet. Indeed, this was a strange thing to find in the morning. If anything, pawing off seemed more like an evening activity. But Wolf could certainly find something more interesting on digital cable, right?

Apparently not, because the lupine seemed just as transfixed as Jacob. He sat on his feet, watching Fox's back and taking intermittent sips of his Arizona drink.

I guess he never thought he'd find Fox fapping, either, the human reasoned whilst rolling his eyes.

Another morbid, repulsive, and yet strangely curious thought immediately followed in Jacob's head. He didn't want to think about it, and yet every time he pushed it away, it came right back. Here goes: What was Fox pawing off to?

Jacob wasn't an idiot. He knew there was enough...ahem...stuff, both human and furry, to keep anyone going for their entire life. And that's assuming 24-hours-a-day, nonstop action.

But...that question burned itself into the back of his head. No matter how terrible the answer might be, Jacob gained an irresistible desire to find it. The only thing he couldn't figure out, though, was how to get close enough to Fox to find out without completely scaring the shit out of him.

Jacob looked over at Wolf. The lupine was still staring down to the basement, his lone lavender eye completely focused and still. His tail stuck straight out behind him, also unmoving. The coffee maker started to gurgle as it performed its task, adding another layer of sound to the Chase household.

The human's eyes returned to Wolf's face, and the proverbial light bulb lit up above his own head. He recalled back to the day when Fox and Wolf had shown up. Both had been unconscious. Jacob and Josh had dragged them away from the smoldering Arwing, and the furries were both sprawled out across the living room furniture.

Somehow, the idea had gotten into Jacob's head to "borrow" Wolf's cybernetic eye and try it out for himself. Against Josh's objections and his own better judgment, he had succeeded in taking it off the lupine's head and putting it on his own. Now, it didn't last long, because Wolf began to stir, but he had had enough time to realize that it was much more powerful than it looked. Luckily for the human, the lupine never found out.

"Uhh...I know this is a strange question, but...is there any way you could use that cybernetic eye of yours and find out what has Fox so...happy?" Jacob spoke quietly and awkwardly. He could feel the butterflies slam against his stomach as Wolf eyed him back strangely.

"Jeez, how did I know you would ask that?" he replied equally quietly. Jacob responded with a guilty smile.

Wolf sighed. "Alright, let me see what I can do."

He grabbed a hold of the edge of the wooden floor with his paws. He leaned forward, following the slope of the stairs as best he could. The lupine's split-ended tail started to rise into the air, doing its best to give its owner a little extra balance. He wobbled around a little bit, then steadied himself with another swish of his tail.

Relative silence. Fox's paddleball noise was still audible, and so was the coffee maker's gurgling, but other than that, silence. Jacob inched a little closer so that Wolf could talk as quietly as possible when he got his answer.

"Alright...looks like..." the lupine began. He took a moment to come up with proper descriptive words, and then it all flew out. "Looks like some kind of blue...vixen, maybe? Blue, bordering on turquoise eyes, a rather small nose, some ornate jewelry...uh..."

"Thick strands of hair? And a yellow headband?" Jacob asked, thinking he knew the answer.

"...Yes, actually. How'd you know?" Wolf confirmed.

Jacob's body went entirely rigid. His eyes widened with realization and the strain of holding something powerful within his body. If he was a furry, his tail would have stuck straight out, as frozen as a dowel.

Robotically, Jacob rose to his full height and headed for the back door. While he did so, Wolf rose back up from the stairwell, noticing the human's sudden alarm and purpose.

"Hey, where are you going?!" he whispered tersely, but Jacob didn't care to listen. If he didn't make it to his destination, all would be lost.

The human slowly opened the back door. The summer's morning light started to stream into the nearby dining room, reflecting off the wooden surfaces. He made sure to still act quietly, at least for the moment. For once he got to the outdoors, all hell would break loose.

Jacob whirled his body through the doorway. He immediately felt the warm air of the Sun's rays against his skin and clothes, but he didn't care. Ever so slowly and silently, he shut the glass door behind him. He took a nice, deep breath, savoring the nice weather and the sunny skies for one brief moment.

And then, he broke out laughing. Laughing like an absolute madman. It was a laugh so powerful, so psychotic, and so loud that it would put even the best evil villain to shame. He fell over onto the concrete into a fetal position, keeping up the uncontrolled demented laughter.

Dogs two blocks away started barking back in response to Jacob's laughter. It echoed down the streets, through walls, and, of course, into Wolf's and Fox's ears.

As soon as it hit the lupine's ears, he stumbled and dove out of Fox's line of sight. After lying surprised on the floor for a moment or two, he shot an angry glance out the glass door. He saw Jacob rolling around on the ground like an idiot, or maybe like an epilepsy victim.

Holy shit, what is wrong with him? Wolf thought as he pulled himself up. The lupine began to storm towards the door, tearing it open viciously once he got there.

"What in the dark reaches of hell is so goddamn funny?!" he shouted at Jacob, literally slamming the door behind him and rattling the house.

"Hold…hold… hold on, dude…" Jacob choked out between laughs. The human worked on steadying himself on his hands and knees. His breathing was still heavy and strained, but he knew it was worth it. He held up one finger to the lupine in an attempt to prove that he really was about to give an explanation.

"Look, that…that vixen you described. That's not just any vixen!" the human began, but the memory started his laughing up once more. Wolf was left rolling his eye and drumming his claws on the small table in front of him.

"Oh…oh God…wow!" Jacob muttered, trying to calm himself back down. "Geez, alright, um…where was I…right. That vixen…Had Fox not have been teleported or whatever to Earth, he would have met that vixen! Not only that, but he would have fallen completely in love with her!"

A fresh round of laughter burst out of Jacob's lungs. He held his hand up again to try and tell Wolf that his explanation wasn't finished.

"Oh, if only Fox knew! If only Fox knew that he could've met that blue vixen in real life! And just the fact that out of all the yiff out there, he stumbles upon Krystal…Oh, the God-forsaken irony!"

To make a long story short, Wolf didn't find it that funny.

"You know what, enjoy your fucked up humor," the lupine replied, shaking his head. He unceremoniously went back inside and back to his room, leaving the human alone in the backyard.

Jacob was too busy laughing to care.


It was one o'clock in the afternoon the next day. Jacob, Fox, and Wolf were congregated in the living room, watching an Adam Sandler movie. Empty bowls of popcorn were strewn about, as were several empty cans of Mountain Dew. As the movie reached its end, Josh walked out of the hallway, bike helmet donned and keys in hand.

"Hey guys, anyone up for a bike ride?" he asked, nonchalantly tossing his keys into the air. There were a few moments of silence, and Josh's smile was about to fade away.

"Ah, hell. Better than sitting around all day watching mediocre comedies," Wolf said as he got out of the recliner. He took a few moments to stretch out his furry body before heading back to his room to grab some stuff.

"Anyone else?" Josh wondered out loud, not really caring about the answer. Wolf volunteering to go was already an amazing achievement in itself.

Fox shook his head, and when Jacob noticed this, so did he.

"I'd rather hang back this time. This Adam Sandler guy is great," he explained with a grin, but nobody listened. Josh was too busy glancing at his twin in amazement.

Wolf sauntered back out into the living room, having changed into some athletic shorts and a Slayer T-shirt. He slid his boots on in one swoop and started opening the front door.

"Well? Come on, Josh," he motioned, holding both the wooden front door and the screen door open with his body.

"Right, sorry," the human responded, shrugging his shoulders. They both left the house. One could hear Josh locking the door behind him, and then the dull hum of the garage door opening.

Fox was about as surprised as Josh was when Jacob declined the bike ride offer. As soon as Josh and Wolf left, he pointed this out.

"Why didn't you go with? I know you aren't the most active person, but you've never turned down a bike ride," the vulpine asked, his ears angled quizzically.

"Well, that's just it," Jacob replied, rubbing the back of his neck with his hand. "I wanted to talk to you about something."

"Oh, yeah? Shoot, my friend." He leaned forward on the couch, towards the human to express his interest.

"Look. I don't really care what you do on the computer, ok? You can play your games, watch YouTube, get on Facebook, whatever you want." The human paused here for some emphasis. Meanwhile, he stood up, looking diagonally towards the ceiling.

"I...I don't follow, but—" Fox started, but was cut off.

"But the next time you decide to do something…less than holy, could you at least make sure nobody's home, or at the very least, that we're all sound asleep? Is this acceptable?"

Fox stood up himself, eyeing Jacob in an even more befuddled manner.

"Jacob, what are you talking abou—?!" the vulpine started, but towards the end of that sentence, one would think he just looked Medusa herself in the eye. You could just see his entire body stiffen up, every single muscle freeze as he realized what Jacob meant. His shocking green eyes took on a shape reminiscent of a deer in headlights. Not even his tail twitched anymore. He just stood there, stiff as a board.

"Thanks, man. I knew you'd understand," Jacob went on, savoring the vulpine's expression. He patted Fox on the shoulder to end the conversation, which had gotten decidedly one-sided.

"Welp, I'm gonna go play some League of Legends. See ya later, Fox." He walked past the frozen vulpine, through the dining room, down the stairs and out of sight.

Fox just sat there in one spot. He couldn't believe he got caught like that.